So why do I even bother?

Yesterday and today have been highly productive days for me, even with Jaycee home with me yesterday. I feel that I have accomplished a lot in the way of getting things done. The house is put back in order, laundry is circulating frequently, the house is cleaned up, and I have enjoyed some relaxation time with a good book.

However, I think some of this is a cover-up for what I am really feeling. And this is a very honest blog, so if you don't want to know about my trying to conceive issues, or my issues with my husband, then you might want to go ahead and read elsewhere. I am having to reach out the only way I can right now, which is through writing, because he just doesn't get it.

This is my fourth month in a row on clomid, the most I've been on a higher dosage in 3 years. This is the fourth month in a row I've had to struggle to get my husband to even come near me during the peak ovulation times. Guess how many nights we've "practiced" this month and last month? THREE. THREE. THREE. How do you get pregnant with three nights out of two months? Yes, they were all in peak ovulation times, but with how good my numbers looked last month, it should have been about TEN. But no, he's too tired, doesn't feel good, or just pissy. Sounds like a damn woman.

He doesn't understand the emptiness I feel each day without a baby to hold in my arms. He doesn't understand how I cry every night after he is long asleep because he won't even touch me, his wife. It makes me feel hideous, disgusting, and unwanted. It makes me feel lonely and empty... and it hurts. "I don't know why I don't want to" or "I'm sorry, I was tired." Those two excuses make me want to vomit. Do you not want anymore children?

It also pisses me off beyond belief because I am wasting money and time because he won't do anything. I try to talk to him about it and it becomes a big argument because he doesn't see the big deal or the bigger picture. He doesn't realize that my body is ticking away... and he's the one telling everyone that he doesn't want to limit the children he has now, that he will take as many as he can get. How the hell is that going to work if you won't do what you need to with your WIFE so she can GET pregnant?

I'm over this. I'm over the hurt, the anxiety, the pain, and the heartbreak. I am over crying myself to sleep every night because he gets in bed, rolls over, and falls asleep. He doesn't take any initiative, and he doesn't show any concern for how I feel about it. I mean, my god, it took five years to conceive Kylie. At this rate, I'll never conceive again.

I am staying so angry at him, so stressed about this, and he won't even talk to me. He ends up yelling and pissed off no matter how I approach it: calmly, tearfully, angrily. No matter what, I can't get it through to him.

I give up. I give up completely. I am done. I can't do anything else!

Christmas 2010

Christmas has come and gone, and admittedly, this year was much easier to get through than last year. Last year, I was so raw. This year, I was able to hold in a lot of my emotion, which is kind of funny to say, since a few gifts got me good, and I ended up a crying mess.

Christmas Eve was full of tears for me compared to Christmas Day. I spent most of Friday morning just bawling my eyes out. I guess it's good that I got it out before then, because I might have cried through every part of Christmas if not. It didn't help that my parents weren't exactly getting along. That distracted me, too.

Christmas morning, we woke up before Jaycee and then went to wake her around 6:30. The sight of snow just thrilled me- there were at least 2 inches already, and you couldn't see the road at all. It was absolutely breath-taking. When I said "Jaycee, it's snowing!" she didn't even move. When I said "Jaycee, Santa came to see you!!!"... she jumped straight up and said "YAY!". =)



This was the part I had been looking forward to for over a month- Jaycee's face when she saw all of her presents. She noticed the kitchen first, and then she was just in awe- there was so much more! She picked things up, dumped her stocking, and made a big to-do over her gifts. She said "Oh, I wanted this!" and "I love it!" and "Santa brought me this!". We then handed out presents and opened our gifts.

From us, Jaycee got some clothes, a V-tech laptop, some books for her TAG reader, some regular books, a littlest Pet Shop play set, a princess CD player... man, we just went a bit overboard!

I got Chris his hot chocolate machine that he really wanted, and that was a lot of fun to do! I also got Chris some new Tim McGraw Southern Blend cologne, and a new trimmer/shave set.

Chris was so good to me and got me pretty much EVERYTHING on my list- butterfly earrings, a nice day planner, a new sticker for my car in memory of Kylie, and Eclipse... I felt really special!

After all that... Jaycee had to find a special present in the tree from Santa- a ballerina necklace!




As we finished unwrapping, Santa was outside our driveway! Chris held Jaycee up to see him, and we talked to him. Jaycee said THANK YOU, SANTA! MERRY CHRISTMAS! =) It was a beautiful addition to the day, and a memory that will not be soon forgotten. To be honest, it was quite magical, and it had me excited and giddy!



We then headed to my mom's. A trip that should take 7-8 minutes took over 20!!! But the scenery was absolutely perfect- it was just like it had come straight from a postcard. The snow sitting on the branches of trees... I was truly lost in a Winter Wonderland.



My parents never cease to amaze me. I wasn't expecting much this year, but they went above and beyond to give us the best gifts ever. I was okay until I opened the gift from my mom that was a Hallmark Willow Tree gift set... the wording was just such that I knew it was for Kylie. Then, my sister gave me my pink Kylie tree... 4 ft pre-lit with white lights... I am so thankful for all my gifts. No one forgot to include Kylie again.. and that meant so much. Jaycee got a tricycle and a Leapster 2, along with all kinds of cute clothes, pajamas, and other toys. She was so gracious for all of it... and that meant so much.



Mom bought all the guys Nerf dart guns... man oh man, that was something else! She also got my dad an Auburn #2 jersey- and he was SHOCKED with that one =).

At that point, Jaycee and Chris left to go to his mother's house, as I do not go to any of his family's events. This is due to the fact that last year, we had a very big falling out. It just makes it easier for me to get through the holidays without having to deal with them. There are lots of bad memories and feelings there.

This year, we did a lot of things different. Because of the snow and other things, we ate dinner at almost 2, compared to 12. We also did Dirty Santa for the adults instead of eveyrone buying for everyone else. It really made it worth while, and started some new, fun traditions. My Uncle Frank bought Jaycee the Dancing/singing Dora- and you would have thought she won the lottery! Between Dora and the Baby Alive that my grandparents bought her, she didn't know what to play with first. Jaycee also got all of the stuff to give her a complete theme for her bedroom: Tinkerbell!!!!!

It was also a blessing to have my grandparents there. Granny's dementia and Parkinson's has gotten so much worse, and sometimes, I wonder if she really recognizes us or knows who we are. It is heart breaking to see her struggle to talk, to remember, to finish a sentence, to walk, to move. It is so hard to watch her struggle to eat, struggle to drink.. and it is equally as difficult to see my granddaddy's reaction to her condition...

But Granny didn't forget one important part of Christmas tradition, which is one of her FAVORITE things: our paper ball fight! =) She threw paper at us kids... and she struggled so hard to throw it, but she knew what she was doing. At one point, Jon and Uncle Mark dumped the whole bag of paper on Daddy's head...

Then, we played in the snow. The wind wasn't terrible, so it was very bearable outside. The guys had a serious snowball fight, and then Jaycee teamed up with Ashley, Jon, and her daddy to build Herman the snowman...


By the time we got home, we were full, exhausted, and overwhelmed.


There was not a moment in the day that Kylie wasn't in the back of my mind. We didn't get to go visit her because of the snow, but we saw her Christmas Eve, and then we saw her in the snow yesterday. My little princess sent us a beautiful gift that lasted the weekend, and it was such a sweet blessing to receive.

So, we made it. It was tolerable, but I still ache for my little girl. It is important that no one forgets her, and my family showed me that she was just as much on their minds and hearts as she was on mine.

I hope everyone else had a good Christmas...

Christmas Eve and Kylie Brielle

Christmas is so hard. It's hard to think about in some ways, because Chris insisted that we would be in the hospital on Christmas, meeting our beautiful new baby girl, and she would be a beautiful Christmas gift to us. That didn't happen...

It's so hard because my due date was January 1, 2010. It's almost been a year since my due date, and so many things are still so difficult to stomach/handle. I think about what she would look like, who she would look like, what she would be learning, who she would act like...

It's so hard to live my life without my beautiful angel. It's so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other without Kylie here to hold my heart together. I feel so vulnerable, so weak, and so broken. It's like I'm the broken toy that is forgotten in the corner, the one that can't really be fixed, but no one has the heart to just throw it away. I feel fragile...

I miss my sweet girl so much today. I ache for her to be in my arms. I ache for another child. I ache for my draems to come true. I ache to wake up from this nightmare that is parenting from Earth to a child in Heaven.

I just wish my story had turned out the way I had planned... why was that too much to ask?

Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant just upsets me these days, because they are just kids having kids, and they are bringing children into poor environments without money, a safe place, etc. (for the most part), and I just wanted ONE baby, healthy to bring home,a nd I can't even get that... it's not fair.

so this Christmas, remember those parents who have empty arms, who are longing to reunite with their babies who have gone to Heaven... remember those parents who have struggled for years with infertility to bring a child of their own into the world... and remember those who are never able to bring home the baby they have always dreamed of.

Now, I fall into two categories... infertility and empty arms from a baby gone to Heaven.

I hate my body, and I hate this fate that has been bestowed upon me. If Kylie was here, everything would be fine.

Everything would be fine.

I love you, Kylie Brielle, more than you will ever know, and I anxiously await the day when I once more hold you close to me.

Almost January 1...

So January first is just around the corner. I am having a hard time with it already, because I am still not done with the one year marks...

January 1 marks one year from my original due date with Kylie. The day she should have been born, the day she should have entered the world happy and healthy with no complications.

January 1 will always be another one of those days. It's hard because there are so many days for me.

The first of each month, because that was when she was born, and also, her due date.

The fifteenth of each month because that is the day she passed.

The eighteenth of each month because that is the day we laid her to rest.

October 1, October 15, October 18, and January 1 will always be hard regardless.

Yes, I know Christmas is coming, and don't worry- I'm dreading that too.

My mom has put a few bugs in a few ears that I wanted a pink Christmas tree for Kylie for Christmas- I want a pink tree with a lime green bow... I think it will be perfect, so I am really hoping that I get it.

Just one day at a time, I guess... one day at a time.

14 months

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

Sweet angel, fourteen months ago today, you left pain and suffering to enter eternal happiness. Unfortunately, as you became safe forever, I entered my own realm of pain, emptiness, and suffering. Please don't think I blame you, because I would NEVER do that. Nothing is your fault, sweet baby. You are the most innocent, perfect child, and I am so thankful for the gift of your life.

For 26 weeks, 5 days, I carried you. I carried you, nourished you, and loved you endlessly. I felt you move and grow, and I talked to you day in and day out. I made plans for you, I picked out things for you to have, and I prepared for a newborn baby, a perfect little bundle of joy in pink.

For two weeks exactly, I watched you grow in the NICU. I watched you kick your long legs, open your gorgeous blue eyes, and breathe through a ventilator. I heard your heart beat, I fed you through a feeding tube, and I took your temperature. I did not get to change your diaper, bathe you, or feed you a bottle. I didn't get to hear your cry, see your smile, or hold you close to me and feel your heart beat with mine.

For fourteen months exactly, I have missed you, loved you, and ached for you. I have wondered countless times who you would look like now, what you would be like, and what new things you would be doing. I have prayed, begged, pleaded, cried, screamed, and yelled. Not one day has gone by that I haven't thought about you.

As a parent, I hoped for several things. One was that I would be able to teach you the things you needed to know to make it in this world. Another was that you would be able to make a name for yourself and become an important contributor to society in your own way. Also, I wanted you to be YOU, and to be an individual, who is unique and wonderful.

Instead, you have taught me some things that I needed to know to make it in this world. What, you might ask? You have taught me a mother's love, a love that I would not know in such depth if it weren't for you. You have taught me to help others, to reach out if I need help, and to believe in special organizations who gave you a chance at a life. You have definitely made a name for yourself; you are touching so many lives, and it is just amazing to see what kind of impact you, my child, have on others. It is truly breath-taking. And, of course, you are YOU, an individual, who is unique and wonderful in more ways than I could ever tell you.

I wish I could tell you that things are easier for me. I wish I could tell you that I have accepted that it is what it is, and move on. I wish I could tell you that it doesn't hurt as bad as it did fourteen months ago, and that I know I can make it the rest of my life. I just can't do that. The pain sometimes hurts so desperately that I don't know what to do, how to handle it, or where to turn.

No matter how I feel, or where my grief is on any particular day, I am ALWAYS thankful for you. I am always thankful for your life, your love, and your birth. You will NEVER, EVER be forgotten, and I will ALWAYS love you more than you will ever know.

You are my heart and soul, and I love you so, so much. I miss you every day.

Thank you for coming to bake cookies with us on Friday. It was the most special thing to see you in so many of our pictures. You are truly, truly a blessing. Thank you for being mine.

Love forever and ever,

Your Mommy

Does anyone understand?

After last night's post, there were several sweet comments made to me, and I greatly, greatly appreciate that. However, I did realize that some took it as a "God-bashing" session, or that they felt the need to witness to me because they didn't think I knew who God really was.

Unless you have walked in my shoes and have gone down the path of losing a child, especially your newborn, premature baby that you tried for FIVE years to conceive, then you don't get to decide where my faith is or where it was. I understand you want to help, but that only makes it WORSE.

There are stages of grief, and unfortunately, the stages are not neat stairs with even steps. You go back and forth, you go to good days and bad days, and your emotions are everywhere. I am 14 months tomorrow from losing my daughter. That's just a little over a year. I am entitled to have bad days. I am entitled to feel how I feel. I am entitled to be mad at God.

What really troubles me is that some people feel that telling me that a child is not really a "gift" but a "loan from God" will make me feel better. That doesn't explain why some people keep their children and others don't. It certainly doesn't help ease my pain.

What I need from everyone is to understand that I am not going to be fixed over night. I am not going to be all of a sudden fine when an invisible timer goes off and says "Okay, you're done grieving now." I am living with a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and if I can't use my own blog to vent how I feel and get some of that pressure off my chest and relieve some stress and anxiety, then where am I supposed to be able to do it? I want you to look at what you have done: you have judged me based on a life-altering experience. You don't know where my faith was before, you don't really know where it is now, and you don't know where it will be when the anger goes away.

I feel very judged and picked on.... I feel like the only thing most everyone pays attention to is the fact that I am mad at God. Doesn't anyone realize that I'm trying to sort my feelings out, that I'm trying to get a handle on my miserable, lonely life? Doesn't anyone care that there is more to my blog post than God?

Now I'm afraid to post anymore...

Where's my miracle?

Every day, we hear of miracles. We hear of people surviving plane crashes, fires, and car crashes. We hear of life-altering surgeries, overnight cures of deadly diseases, and guardian angels protecting people from harm.

We hear of babies being born against all odds. We hear of babies surviving against all odds. We hear about miracle children who overcome huge obstacles, people who walk when they were told they never would, and moms and dads who live ten years past a diagnosis of 5 months...

So while everyone else gets their miracle, it just makes me wonder... what happened to mine? Did I use all my "miracle" up when I conceived and gave birth to Kylie? Because I do consider her a complete and total miracle- and I am so grateful for her...

But still I wonder. Why couldn't I have been given a miracle to save her, so that my life would not be down this spiraling, miserable path? Why couldn't I have just one more miracle? Why was Kylie's life not important enough to save, but so many other parents get their miracle prayers answered and then some?

Why do some parents get told to prepare for surgeries with life-altering consequences, only to be told later that "by a miracle" their child doesn't need the surgery anymore and is doing wonderful... why do some parents get told that their child won't make it through the surgery, and years later, they are still living life with their child?

If those things can happen, why could God not answer my simple prayer: please don't take my baby from me. I begged and pleaded... I cried and I screamed. I asked a million times NOT to take her away from me. And yet, the prayers, the begging, the pleading, the hoping... it was all in vain, because she is gone, and yet, I am stuck here in my miserable existence, broken into two million pieces, unable to be whole ever again. My prayers were ignored, pushed to the side, not listened to, and unanswered. Kylie, my most precious gift, and the most beautiful child I could have ever imagined, was taken from me unfairly and all too soon, and yet, I am expected to keep going like nothing ever happened. I am expected to NOT be angry with God, and I am expected to accept the fact that he took my child and she isn't coming back.

I would give my life, my blood, and everything I have and then some to have Kylie back in my arms. I would give the world to have her. I would beg, borrow, steal, and plead to have her. I just don't understand why some prayers are answered and others are not. I don't care if God needed or wanted her in Heaven, because I can guarantee I want her and need her more. There are plenty of angels already there, and I just want my angel with me. I really don't understand why my request to keep my child was any more difficult to handle than all the millions of other parents who never have experienced a loss or had trouble having children. Why is my request so hard to handle, and others are not?

I know that everyone is different and every situation is different, but what I want to know is what I did to offend God so much that he thought to punish me with the most excruciating, terrifying pain and punishment that could ever be created. Yes, I believe it is God. I don't believe it is Satan, because God is supposed to be able to STOP the bad from happening, and I just don't understand why God would allow an innocent, helpless baby to die like that... just say "Oh, you don't have to live your life, you can come with me now." To me, that is a selfish thing. You dont' need my baby because you have plenty of adults who live a full life and then pass... you can use them. Why my baby, who had no chance to live, to learn, to grow up, to become a young lady with hopes, dreams, and a life of her own? How dare you take away her future and mine?!

I am so angry tonight because EVERY damn day, someone gets a miracle, and I couldn't have mine. It is unfair, and I am not happy with it. I hate my miserable life. I just want my baby.

Remembering my angel

Today has already been a bittersweet day. Today, we celebrated Christmas with our group of friends. Santa even played a visit after we had a delicious brunch with all kinds of special treats...

When I was watching the kids open their gifts, my heart was breaking inside because I wanted so desperately for my Kylie to be ripping paper right along with them. It is just so damn unfair. She should be here, growing and living, learning and experiencing. I felt so desperate to see her at that moment, and my mind began racing.

After the kids opened their gifts, the girls pulled me to another room and handed me some gifts. They wanted to remember Kylie in some way, and they remembered that I said I wanted a Kylie tree, so they all picked out an ornament that reminded them of her so we could have a jump start on her tree. It was the most beautiful, heart-felt gesture anyone could have ever made, and I just bawled my eyes out as I opened each gorgeous ornament and saw the heart and thought that was put into each one... I'm still having a hard time holding it together.

I am so grateful for such amazing, thoughtful friends. I know that Kylie will never be forgotten by them, and it means the world to me that they remember her like I do.

Here are her ornaments:

This ornament came from the Crutchers. Thank you for such a personalized, special ornament to remember our baby girl.



This ornament came from the Salazars. I must say, this one brought the most tears, as this particular ornament is an awareness angel holding the Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness ribbon. It is truly a special, special ornament, and I thank you so much for choosing this.



This ornament is one of two from the Kelleys. It is a Hallmark ornament (which I have always held near and dear to my heart because of my grandparents), and it is gorgeous. The back of the box says: The world wouldn't be the same beautiful and wondrous place without your unique contributions to it. You bring more than you realize to every day simply by being you. Directly below is another ornament from the Kelleys. It is Kylie's birthstone angel, with the body of the angel being opal. It is just perfect! Thank you, guys, for these very heart-felt ornaments.



This ornament is from the Johnsons. Emily told me it reminded her of Kylie's cross that we use in a lot of our photos, so that is why she chose it. It is simply beautiful, and it DOES remind me of her cross, too. I am so grateful for this ornament, Emily, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Grief and the power of best friends...

Last night was our monthly RTS meeting. Because of the pending holiday, we decided to bring food and do an ornament exchange. We knew that there would be at least one new couple, but when we arrived, there was another new couple, as well. For the first time EVER, there were 13 of us in the room, and it was an amazing thing to see. There were all stages of grief there: old and new, and everything in between. Two of us are 1 year, 2 months into our losses, and others were earlier this year, and some as early as 3 weeks and 5 weeks ago. I look at the newly bereaved mothers, and my heart just breaks in two, because I realize that that raw, scary pain is just never going to completely go away. For anyone to have to understand my pain, the grief that I am going through, and the significance of my loss means that they have to have lost, and I don't wish this journey on ANYONE. I just wanted to fix it for them, and to make it okay, because I realize now how difficult it is to see someone in that much pain.

I also feel bad because when I got home, I looked at myself and remembered that I was in their shoes at one time, a year ago, when the pain was so raw, so fresh, so numbing, so confusing... and I realize that I have come a very, very long way. I did not realize that I had gone from point A to point B... it doesn't mean that I am fixed or healed, because I am not, by any means, but it does mean that in baby steps, each day is easier to get through than the day before. I want to just wrap my arms around each new angel parent and guide them safely to the next stage, so they don't have to hurt like I did... but I know it can't be done. The pain is real, the grief is real, and the loss is real. It has taken me this long to realize that for myself.

Though I have often blogged about experiences that are negative, or people who have taken a negative view to what has happened in my life, there are positive people who help me with positive things in life.

Tonight, my best friend Jessica came over with her two boys. Jaycee and Micah are BEST friends, and they play so, so well together. They always hold hands and have conversations only they understand, and they have always been best of buds. Gavin is just the sweetest baby ever, and of course, I could go on forever with telling how great Jessica is.

Out of everyone outside of my family, Jessica and I have bonded and become so close over this past year. Not that my other friends haven't been there, because they have, but with Jessica's NICU and surgery experience with Gavin, we have a better understanding of one another.

When I was wheeled out of recovery in the wee hours of the morning on October 1, 2009, Jessica was the first person I saw. She had come, in the middle of the night, knowing she had to work in a few hours, to make sure I was okay. She was on her way to see my little angel, and then she was going to bed. Even in my drugged up state, I knew she was there, and I thought of how much that meant to me, for her to be there. She came as much as she could while I was in the hospital and while Kylie was in the NICU. The day of Kylie's passing, when she got the message that the doctors didn't expect Kylie to make it, she was there for me immediately. She left work, and came straight to the hospital. When my world was crashing down in front of me, she was there, already ready to pick up the pieces as they fell. That day, she didn't leave my side. It meant the world to me to know that she was able to hold Kylie and tell her goodbye. I know that Jess would have spoiled her so, so much. She just couldn't wait to get her hands on the first girl born into our group of friends.

Over the months that followed, Jessica never gave up on me. She continued to call, to message, and when i came out of my funk, she was there. When Gavin was born and was immediately rushed to the hospital's NICU at Crestwood, then Huntsville, then Vandy, I was there for her-- and I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.

As I was able to hold Gavin for the first time, in the NICU at Vandy a week after his birth, Jessica and I shared one of the most understanding, precious moments our friendship has ever had. At that moment, we had an understanding of one another that we never had before. For the first time, someone in my friends understood the fear and uncertainty that always comes with a NICU stay, and though I would NEVER wish it on anyone, I believe that in some weird way, God wanted us to share this connection. I honestly believe that Kylie was Gavin's guardian angel, and that she guided him through surgery. She knew that we could not handle anything else, and she protected him and helped him heal. She also stood by Jessica and helped her be strong, because I know first hand that it is hard to keep from crumbling.

Now, I don't know where I'd be without her. I can talk to her about Kylie. I can cry for no reason, and she doesn't judge me. I can tell her how I feel, straight up, and I can be honest with her with no fear of an argument, hurt feelings, or anger. I can be myself. Not many people ever find someone like that, someone who is so like them in so many ways, but yet brings out the best in you all the time. I am so blessed to have an earthly angel in Jessica, because I don't know how I would have made it this far without her support.

Don't get me wrong- I have wonderful friends who are here for me and who let me talk about Kylie freely. I love them to pieces, and they have done so much for me, whether it be chipping in to get bracelets made from Kylie's funeral flowers, or just joining the March for Babies and walking with us. Everyone has done some pretty awesome things for us.

I just wanted JEssica to know that I have never forgotten for one bit her part in Kylie's life, and how much I am thankful to have her now.

Kylie is a very lucky girl to have so many people who love her and miss her daily. I am proud to say that I have a very special angel.

Doctor news = Good news

So I talked to Dr. H today.... I had my progesterone drawn on Friday of last week, and I called to check on it and to see what would be happening.

Last month, in November, my progesterone was 7.4, showing no signs of ovulation. Actually, that's down right terrible.

This month, in December, my progesterone was... 12.6!!!! It almost DOUBLED in one month's time. =) He still wants it to be 15 or above, but he said you can most definitely conceive at a 12.

This month, since the meds worked, we will do another dose of 100 mg a day of clomid for 5 days, if I am not pregnant this month. He feels strongly that I had a pretty good ovulation cycle. He was very pleased that my ovualation surge was almost exactly right- day 15, instead of day 19-22 like it had been. We are definitely on the right track.

He was very encouraging to me and feels that we can conceive soon going down this path with our numbers continuing to rise. What a good thing! He was also very encouraging because he said he knows that heartbreak happens each month it is a no-- he doesn't want me to get discouraged because we know that I CAN get pregnant and carry a child.

Please cross all your fingers and toes for us, as this is some HUGE positive news, and I haven't had such good numbers in quite a while. My progesterone will need to be supplemented in a pregnancy for sure, but we know that we can definitely get there. Time and patience: two things I definitely lack, but I will do my best.

I love Dr. H. He is AMAZING.


On other news... I am very excited because tonight is our RTS Decemember meeting. I think we have a new couple coming, and I also am excitd about seeing all my angel parent friends. We are having finger foods together, and we're doing an ornament exchange. I am so blessed to have people in my life who know how hard this holiday season is and how much we miss our little angel.

I have to say that I am less and less tolerant of ignorant rude people. I had a situation with a fellow Publix customer in Madison on Monday- I was talking to the bagger, who is an old friend of mine, and Kylie came up, so the cashier asked me what happened. Briefly, I told her Kylie was born early and had a bowel disease that caused her to have surgery, and she didn't make it long after that.

A woman in the other line just blew up and was so pissed off that I had the nerve to talk about my "dead child," and that "NO ONE cared or wanted to hear about that." It took everything I had to not go off... everything I had.

I am thankful for the support of my friends and family and understanding how terrifyingly upsetting that was. Every day living without Kylie is hell. I would give my life, my whole being and existence just to have her back. I would love to watch her grow, learn, and become a beautiful young woman, but it was not meant to be. Why, I don't know. I guess I will have to find that out when I meet her at the gates of Heaven.

I had a young lady approach me last spring and tell me this: Mrs. Keith, I am Muslim, and in my faith, we believe that if a baby dies, the baby waits for its mother. The baby is cared for and loved by all in Heaven, but it won't grow up or go anywhere until the mom is there to join them, and that the true cycle of life will continue when mother and baby are reunited. We also believe that the baby loves its mother with more love than can ever be imagined, and the baby is anxious for the day it can be held by its mother again. When you reunite in Heaven, it will be a beautiful meeting.

Those words stand out to me so much- that someone with such different faith, different raising, and such a young look on life could say such a profoundly beautiful thing. That is the image I hold on to- that Kylie does remember me and love me, and that even now, no one can quite care for her with the same kind of care that comes from a mother's touch. It gives me great solace to know that she loves me still, and that she is waiting on me to raise her, so that she doesn't grow up without me. It will be beautiful to watch her grow up in Heaven- she will never have a bad childhood experience, and Heaven will be blessed with the most beautiful angel child as she grows and becomes a woman. I am looking forward to the day that I can hold her in my arms once more, this time, while she looks up at me with those beautiful deep blue eyes.

What a miracle baby I have birthed, and what a joy to call her mine. I am a blessed angel mother. Those who don't understand are just jealous that they don't have such a perfect angel watching over them.

I love you, my dearest Kylie Brielle. You are my heart and soul.

Below are a few pictures from my 27th birthday, spent with my wonderful family:

Pictures

Jaycee came home today after being with her mom for a week, so needless to say, I was very happy to see my sweet girl. She has been so affectionate this evening! It was so great just to hear her laughing and talking... I didn't have to hear any kind of music, tv... just her voice. SHe is the best medicine for when I'm feeling down. She is such an amazing child, and I am so lucky to have her with us.

Tonight, my sis came over and took our Christmas photos so we could get our Christmas cards out by the weekend. The pictures are AMAZING! =) I have such a photogenic little girl! And yes, we were able to include Kylie in the photos, too. Jaycee was so sweet sharing her photos with her "baby tister". I love my girls!

Here's just a few...

Christmas

Christmas is a time of the year that used to be full of giddy excitement for me. I would put my tree up faithfully before my birthday (Because face it, Christmas trees ALWAYS make your birthday seem better!), I would deck the house out in Christmas deco, and Chris would slather on layers of Christmas lights outside. (When I was a child, it was my daddy who choose to make their house look like a freakin' airplane landing strip... and we LOVED it!) I would bake, make delicious goodies like haystacks, sugar cookies, and chocolate dipped pretzels (anyone else having problems with their mouths watering?) Hot chocolate was a staple, and presents overflowed from the tree.

Rewind one year: 2009. It took every ounce of strength I had to put up the tree, for Jaycee. Chris forced himself to put a few lights around the door and window on the front of the house. I hung up a wreath, and I put a few trinkets out. Wrapping presents was just another chore, and it took a lot of strength to gather at my mom's to make sugar cookies and oreo balls. Shopping lost its thrill, and I was so, so sad. Think about it- I was only 2 months away from saying goodbye to Kylie, and my due date was January 1, so I was imagining what I would have been like, hugely pregnant, delivering a happy, healthy baby... and preparing for a new baby among the Christmas cheer. I was devestated.

This year, Christmas hurts a little less. It makes it easier for me to get through each day to have little things to remind me of Kylie and the impact she is making on so many people. We put up the tree together as a family- Jaycee LOVED helping. We followed our normal tradition, because that is one little tradition that I don't mind keeping: Chris and I always take our two "First Christmas Together" ornaments and put them on together, first. Since last year, Jaycee has put on one of her ornaments at the same time. After that, we put all of Kylie's ornaments on the tree together. Then, we just got to work. I didn't even get to put ALL of my ornaments on because I ran out of room!

Chris will put up some lights today- not much, but enough for Jaycee to enjoy. My snowmen are all over the house: on the curio cabinet, kitchen counters, in the bathroom, on the entertainment center. Jaycee even has a little light-up tree in her room.

Within the next two years, I anticipate having enough ornaments to make our very own "Kylie Tree". I want to purchase a pink tree, because pink is the very color that defines my little girl the most, and then cover it with Kylie's ornaments, angels, and butterflies. What a beautiful tree it will be!

We actually got excited about shopping, and I am thrilled for Jaycee to see all of her gifts- she is very spoiled, and I have a hard time STOPPING shopping for her... haha.

However, it doesn't change that my body and mind and heart knows Kylie is missing, and each day this holiday season, I have cried, sobbed, and ached. My arms feel heavy because I should be celebrating a baby who is almost one, instead of a baby who is 1 year, 2 months old, and living in Heaven instead of here. Everything makes me cry, but I guess that is to be expected.

I miss my Kylie so much... Does anyone have a time machine so we can go back and fix everything that went wrong?

Some people

As if I don't have enough to deal with in my life, I have people who want to bring me down. The bad thing is, they don't want to tell me to my face, and I have to figure it out from A.) How they are acting, and B.) from what others think based on words and actions.

First of all, I do not EVER try to get attention through my loss of my child. I didn't ask for this. I would give my life not to be in this situation. It is what it is, and that is all I can deal with. If you are jealous because of me losing my child, then you are truly a sick, sick person. If your jealousy is because you know you won't ever be in a similar situation, and you won't get the "attention" I am getting, then you're equally as sick. Do you honestly think I want this attention, for a negative thing that has happened in my life? Do you honestly think that I am happy that Kylie died? Do you have any common sense at all? COME ON! I hate every minute of my life that I don't have Kylie with me. I feel guilty, angry, hurt, betrayed, broken-hearted, and broken in general. You're jealous of that? Get a life.

I will continue to talk about my child WHENEVER, WHEREVER, HOWEVER, and to WHOMEVER I choose, and you will NOT make me feel bad about it. I'm through with letting people get to me so easily. I should not be dealing with this. I am allowed to grieve in my own way, in my own time, and however I see fit. I don't do anything for you. I do it for me, my family, and my baby girl.

If you have such a problem with doing things for me, then just don't do them. If you have a problem with me talking about Kylie, don't talk to me. If you have a problem with any "attention" I get because of my grief, then don't bother with me anymore. I'm through with your crap.

Some poems for my angel mommy friends...

On rainy yucky days like this, I am reminded of the day Kylie passed. That whole morning was grey, rainy, and miserable, until we pulled into my mom's driveway after leaving the hospital without our sweet baby- the sun shone through the clouds as we got out of the car, and I found it so odd that it was that easy for the sun to shine when my heart was all but dead.

Today, I find comfort in writing and in the writing of others, so I hope this helps you, my angel mommy friends, in remembering your little one(s) and their precious lives. I was just searching for helpful poems.

You never said I'm leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone befor we knew it
and only God knew why,

A million times I needed you
A million times I cried
if love alone could have saved you
you never would have died

In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In our hearts I hold a place
that only you can fill

It broke my heart to lose you
but you didn't go alone
as part of me went with you
the day God took you home.

--- Unknown


"What makes a Mother "


I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
And I know I heard Him say...

“A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby`s not with you?

“Yes, you can,” He said
with confidence in His voice.
“I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
Some I send to feel your womb
But there`s no need to stay.”

I just don`t understand this, God.
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

“I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,

“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear,
“Mommy, don`t be sad today.
I’m your baby and I’m here”

So, you see, my dear sweet one,
Your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home
And this is where she`ll stay.

She`ll wait for you with me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day you come home,
She`ll be at the gate waiting there for you

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It`s the feeling in your heart.
It`s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not see
You`re a mother with a daughter.
They`ll be up here with me one day
And know you`re the best Mother.”


(Author unknown...)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.


She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

-Author Unknown-

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Mention of His Name
The mention of my childs name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart,
And it sings to my soul.
~~Author Unknown~~

---------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BROKEN CHAIN
We little knew that morning, that God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly, In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you, You did not go alone;
For part of us went with you, The day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories, Your love is still our guide;
And though we cannot see you, You are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken, And nothing seems the same;
But as God call us one by one, The chain will link again.
~author unknown~

------------------------------------------------------------------

ASK MY MOM HOW SHE IS

My mom, she tells a lot of lies, she never did before,
but from now until she dies she'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my mom how she is and because she can't explain,
she will tell a little lie becasue she can't describe the pain.

Ask my mom how she is, she'll say, "I'm alright"
If that's the truth then tell me, why does she cry each night?

Ask my mom how she is she seems to cope so well,
she doesn't have a choice you see nor the strength to yell.

Ask my mom how she is, "I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping",
For God's sake mom, just tell the truth, just say your heart is braking.

She'll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine,
But if you ask her how she is, she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in heaven I cannot hug from here,
If she lies to you don't listen, hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again I'll smile and I'll be bold,
I'll say, "You're lucky mom to get in here with all the lies you told!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



THE MASK

I have a face I put in place; It's what I wear when folks are there.

For those only who want to see the way they think I ought to be.

I live in times that have no light, just cloudy darkness, endless night.

I no longer see the sun, I laugh but never feel the fun.

When I arise to start a day, I stumble as I make my way.

I don't know who's really me, I'm not the one I used to be.

I have no heart to fill with joy, I lost it when I lost my boy.

the future is so bleak to me, I choose to not let others see.

So when people stop to ask, I hide behind my smiling mask.

written by Dianna J. Brendle


--------------------------------------------------------------

Think Before You Speak - by Gwen Flowers

Dear Friend, Today you broke my heart,
In a place that was unbroken.
You did it with your thoughtless words
That should not have been spoken.

You know that I am grieving,
That my pain is deep and real.
Your hurtful words pierced like a knife.
How do you think I feel?

You may not suffer from my loss
Or share this lonely grief,
But I'm mourning my Baby,
Who's life was much too brief.

I'm sure you don't know how I feel,
I don't expect you to.
Don't ask me to get over it....
That's something I can't do.

Without grief, there's no healing
It's a journey I must make.
It's not the path that I would choose,
But one I'm forced to take.

No matter how you choose to see
What I am going through,
I need compassion and support....
I'd do the same for you.

Life's a circle...

but mine feels broken. My whole life, I've wanted to be a mother. That desire has been strong in my life. Everything in life is connected. Everything is related.

A little over a year ago, the worst thing that could possibly happen in any person's life happened to me. The thing that I prayed so hard against... it happened anyway. I prayed every day of Kylie's life: PLEASE GOD, heal her, make her better. Please God, make me stronger, make me wiser, and help me help her. Please God, let the doctors and nurses help her. Please God, let me keep my baby. The most painful: Please God, don't let my daughter die.

And yet, I watched her die in my arms. And yet, I wasn't strong, and I'm still not strong. I am broken. She wasn't healed, and the doctors and nurses still couldn't do enough to save her.

The holidays remind me of my difficult past, and they remind me of my missing link, the link that broke the circle and will prevent my circle from ever being whole.

I take everything personally. I take everything seriously. Auburn is my life. I grew up going to games. I envisioned Kylie going to games, and one day, going to Auburn to graduate on the same stage that I walked across, that her Gramps walked across... I imagined her future as an Auburn Tiger, and it was beautiful. I imagined her having a beautiful future and a beautiful life, and I was willing to do ANYTHING TO GIVE THAT TO HER.

So, the reason that I got so upset today and that I can tie it back to my lack of faith in God and everything else is because EVERYTHING in my life is connected. Kylie, Auburn, holidays, my birthday. Kylie is in everything and everything is a reminder of what I don't have.

I saw a baby girl in an Auburn cheerleader dress today. I cried in the car on the way home, because I wish that Kylie would be here to wear that same dress. That's what started the day off wrong.

I can't believe in anything anymore because nothing fantastic has happened to me. The only thing I ever asked God for, he took away from me. The only thing I ever wantd, he took and didn't even think twice about how much it would hurt me and affect me. I am so fed up of people judging me and telling me how things should go in my life.

If you have NOT walked in my shoes, or shoes similar to mine, you do not get to judge me, say crap about me and how I am living my life, and you don't get to tell me what should and shouldn't bother me. I don't know why I worry what people think of me, but I have always been that way. I can't help it. It shows that I care, I guess, and that's better than not caring at all. I have a heart, and I wear it on my sleeve.

Everything is affected by losing Kylie. Everything. My entire life is consummed with reminders of who is missing, why she's missing, and where she might be/what she might be doing. I am unable to get way from the what if's, the how comes, and the whys. It just is always on my mind.

I wouldn't wish this journey on my WORST enemy. Not at all. I just don't understand. Why would anyone want to try to make me feel WORSE about my situation and my life? Why would anyone wish me more pain or hurt? I hate my life and what it has become. I hate the cards that have been dealt to me.

Yes, so today is a pity party. My birthday is Sunday, and I'll have an even bigger pity party.

I am so miserable without my child, and so it affects everything. My family, my friends, football, my whole life. If you don't like it, I'm sorry. This is who I am now.

Kylie,
I miss you so, so much. I miss you more than any words can say. I love you, and I would give my whole life to be with you. You are my sweet angel, and you mean the world to me. Please try to help Mommy through this really tough time. I miss you deeply.

Love,
Your Mommy

Why?

Why...
Do bad things happen to good people?
Do good things get covered up by the bad?
Is there pain and suffering for those who don't deserve it?
Is every day a struggle?
Do people not understand grief?
Does it seem like no one cares after a certain period of time?
Do people feel the need to make others feel bad about their grief?
Do people take their children for granted?
Do doctors feel they shouldn't listen to their patients?
Does good news sometimes get shoved away to sudden bad news?
Are the holidays so difficult to get through?
Did I have to say goodbye to my child, when others make it through the same thing?
Do I have to wear several different masks for several different situations?
Do people have to judge me for what this has made me?
Do people feel I should be "over" it?
Can't I get pregnant again?
Does my body have to make my life more difficult?
Do I have to have an empty nursery?
Can't I sleep at night?
Do parents have to say goodbye to their children ever?
Is life so complicated?
Does the world seem to fall apart every time I see my sweet baby's face?
Does Jaycee have to live without her baby sister?
Did Chris and I have to try for so hard to get Kylie, only to lose her?
Are prayers unanswered?
Do we pray at all, if our most important ones are ignored?
Is it so hard to talk to someone who has had a loss?
Did God put me here, in this place, right now?
Do babies have to suffer horrible diseases, defects, and birth problems?
Did Kylie have to suffer?
Can't my life just be normal?

Why?

My life, my child, and my feelings

My life is different today than it was on September 30, 2009. That was the last day of "normal" in my life, as I knew it. That was the last day Kylie was tucked away safely in my womb, protected from the terrible world and all it had to throw at her.

I am different now than I was on October 14, 2009, as that was my last full day with my angel. Being a mom is the greatest blessing in my life, and those two weeks with Kylie are two weeks that no one can ever take away from me.

I am different now than I was on October 15, 2009, as that was the single most painful day of my existence. Nothing else will ever hurt so badly as watching my daughter pass away in my arms.

Today, I am one year, one month, and one week past saying goodbye to my baby. I am one year, one month, and three weeks past saying hello to my baby girl. Sounds so unfair, doesn't it?

That is just it. I am no where near healed. My life IS unfair. My life is still a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days are good, some are bad, some just mediocre. If you think I should be "fine" by now, then you don't know me very well or grief. I know that sounds harsh, but I don't need anyone telling me when I should be okay or when I should stop hurting.

If you have a problem with how I choose to live my life, and how I choose to honor and remember my child, then you can step out. I do not have the time or energy to try to please anyone but myself. If you can't handle that I still talk about Kylie all the time, or if you can't handle me talking about her at all, then maybe you need to rethink our friendship. I will not censor my facebook, my blog, or my conversation. She is just as much a part of me as anyone else's child. Just because she isn't living doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be included in everything I do.

I am so tired of trying to please everyone else. I am Kylie's mother, first and foremost, and Jaycee's godmother. Then comes the duties of being a wife, a sister, a friend, a grandchild, a daughter, etc. But my job as MOMMY comes first, and I will not alter my role as a mom to please anyone else or make someone else feel better.

If talking about my child and my grief makes me selfish, then I'm sorry you feel that way. Grief can sometimes be a selfish thing. True friends realize when I need someone to lean on or when certain events bother me.

It's hard to see all of the kids together, like at Thanksgiving, when my gut and heart are screaming at me that someone is missing. That someone is my Kylie. That someone will never participate in all of these things. That person will not play with the other children. I won't hear her laughter with the others, won't hear her voice calling "Mommy" when they are fighting, won't hear her cry when her feelings are hurt.

If you get these things in any way, don't take it for granted. Don't judge me for trying to keep Kylie's memory and life alive.

And yes, I am a different person than I used to be. I am different, and I will NEVER be the same. If that is a different you can't live with, please let me know, because we don't have to pretend to be friends. I don't have time for playing around. I still need friends and support.

If you are my friend, it is because I made a conscious choice to have you in my life. If I am your friend, it is because you made a conscious choice to have me in your life. If you mean more to me than I mean to you, then it is time to re-evaluate things and make amends and move on. I can't continue to worry my life over what people think of me, my grief, and my child. My healing process is mine alone, and I won't apologize for it. I won't let you bring me down, especially over my child.

I find strength in her memory and her life, and that can't be taken away. I love my sweet girl so much, and SHE is so important to me.

With that being said, this isn't directed toward anyone in particular, and it is in no way discussing family. Not any one person is guilty alone, but several people have made it clear that they don't like who I am or what this grief has made me. Terrible, huh?

My life, my child, and my feelings. This is who I am.

All for you, baby girl!

I'm addressing this to Kylie, as I feel that sometimes it expresses emotions and words that blogging alone doesn't express. I love talking to Kylie, and I don't get to often.

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

It has been quite a while since Mommy has written to you. Please don't think it is because I have forgotten you, because I haven't. I would write to you every day, quite honestly, if I could.

So much has been going on, all because of you, and my mind is consummed day in and day out with the image of your sweet little face. It is a blessing to remember you so vividly, to remember your little movements, and to remember those gorgeous baby blues. I am thankful for my good memory, though even if my memory were bad, I know I would never forget you. You are the light of my entire life.

I was able to speak and share your story with others, to help motivate them to donate to the March of Dimes. I think your story definitely inspired many. I had such sweet comments after speaking; they were thankful for me sharing your life with them, and it really helped them see the impact the MOD has on people. You are such a blessing to everyone who hears your story, Kylie, and it makes my heart swell with pride!

I am going to co-head the family teams with another sweet lady who also has an angel in Heaven. I am thankful for the opportunity to help with such an important charity and group. The March of Dimes is the reason you were with Mommy and Daddy for two whole weeks, and for that, I am forever grateful. I will always be a MOD supporter! I know that you are happy to have your family support such an important cause, and I know you would support it too, if you were here with us.

I often think about you and what you would look like now, what your personality would be like, and it just seems so hard to believe you're gone and not coming back. The holidays are so difficult, because everyone else is all happy and merry without a care in the world, and they think everything is so perfect... but for me, life won't ever achieve perfection again, because you will always be missing. I know it's not healthy to dwell on the what if's, but I can't help but wonder how different my life would be if you were with me.

Some nights are still lonely and difficult. Some days, I miss you so much more than others. It is a difficult, difficult journey. I ache to hold you one more time... I miss you deeply, terribly, painfully. My heart still feels like it has a hole, a hole that will never be filled. I am not the same person I was before you left, and I never will be completely the same.

Kylie, you changed my life in so many positive ways, and you continue to make me strive to be a better person. Your tiny life was a miracle in more ways than one, and nothing could ever take that away from us. You have made me stronger, more passionate, and more giving. You have made me more cautious, more questioning, more concerned. You have helped me find a way to help others, and you have helped me become a better person with an even bigger heart. You have inspired me in countless ways. You are my light, my life, my hope, my heart. You are everything I wish to be and more. You are perfect. You are mine. You are loved. You are missed.

I could go on forever telling you how much I love you, miss you, and ache for you. I could use every word in the English language to tell you how much I wish to have you back in my arms. I would give anything for another cuddle, for another kiss, for another chance to touch your sweet face and kiss your precious nose. I would give my life so that you could have yours.

Please keep close to Mommy and Daddy in the next few weeks and months, as the holidays are so hard, as they serve as a reminder of how much we miss you. I wish so much that you were opening presents with us this year, having some table food with us at Thanksgiving...

Sweet baby, you are the most loved angel in Heaven. I love you with every fiber of my being, and I miss you equally as much. I love you, I love you, I love you.

You are my heart, my tiny angel.

Love always and forever,

Your Mommy

March of Dimes and personal goals

Before I get into my post for the day, I wonder if anyone really even reads my blog? It doesn't really matter, I guess, but I never have any comments or responses, and so I just wonder how many people actually see it. I write it to help myself, but I do share it publicly to let others know. I always wonder how many people comment and post to other people's blogs- I don't get the opportunity much, but I would like to do more of that myself.

Okay, on to the REAL post. =)

Today, I had the opportunity to speak on behalf of the March of Dimes. Huntsville High's FBLA did their annual March of Dimes dinner and silent auction fundraiser, and I was asked to be the speaker for this event. It was such an honor to speak. Out of all the parents who support and assist the MOD here in our area, I was chosen to speak. It makes me so happy, and I am blessed to have had the opportunity.

Standing before those people who willingly donated their time, money, and hearts to the event today... it just made me well up with pride. Though I miss her terribly, and though my life without her is so, so difficult... her life was not in vain. She serves so many purposes, and today, I think she helped some people realize just how important MOD is. Good job, baby girl! Mommy is so, so proud of you!

In the same instance, I was also asked about being the Family Teams captain for this year's March for Babies. Well, DUH! =) You didn't even have to ask, Benita! I am honored to have this opportunity to work closely with other family teams and help in any way possible. This organization is important.

On a different note, I am finally ready to get my non-profit started. I am starting a non-profit to provide parents with resources when they lose a pregnancy or their baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, prematurity, full-term illness, etc. This is in addition to the resources the hospital gives. I have met a wonderful person (Amy Salter!), who I am just so blessed to know, and who is going to help me get started with the right information and on the right track. This will prevent me from using Huntsville Hospital Foundation, and it will give me my own rights to figure out how to run this thing. When this gets going, Kylie's name will be all over the world. I am so, so grateful! I want to also use the non-profit to generate donations to go towards finding a cure for NEC, because gosh knows something MUST be done to prevent other babies from losing their battles to this disease.

So much in my life has yet to be done. I'm about to start my recruiting again for the March for Babies- who is interested in staying on the team, who isn't. I will be coaching everyone this year on how to set up their page and encourage more online donations than anything. We will be printing off receipts faster. I will be keeping up with totals. T-shirts will come early. We will be having our Thirty-One fundraiser party again, and there will be good incentives for buying! The fundraiser will be in February, and that is when the new catalog comes out, and it should be $1 monogramming again!!!!! Whooo hoo for an awesome time to do a fundraiser! =) If anyone has any fundraising ideas, you should let me know! I don't want to over-kill the fundraisers, but you know, our goal will start at $5,000 this year, so I want to pass last year's $8,000!!!!! I know we can do it. If you already know I can count on you to be on team Angel Kylie's Hope, just let me know. This year, we are also walking for my sweet honorary nephew, Gavin, who spent the first few weeks of his life in the NICU and hospital for heart surgery. He is a living miracle, and Kylie is our Heavenly miracle. How perfect =) I'm working on this year's t-shirt design, so if you have any suggestions, let me know. I know it's just November, but we'll start campaigning in January, so you have to start thinking ahead. The walk is April 16, 2011 at Bridgestreet again. =)

So yes, so much to post, and so much going through my head... I hope this didn't go overboard or overwhelm anyone. My life is busy and full with Jaycee and Kylie, and that is just the way I like it. I love the fact that my children occupy my life. I love them both deeply!

Blah!

Well, I feel very "Blah!" today because I got two shots yesterday (one in each hip) due to a severe ear infection and a sinus infection. I feel better than I did, but I'm still pretty crummy feeling. :( Of course, it would come the day I start my cycle, so that was no fun.

I start back on my clomid today, since today is officially day 2, and I take it for the next four days after. I am not nervous about the clomid, but I ahve a very "negative" feeling about it. I feel like my progesterone isn't going to change at all, and I feel like this is a little pointless, since it was so low last time.

If it doesn't go well this month, I think Dr. Harris is going to refer me back out to my fertility doc. I have means to obtain one whole month of injectibles, which is AMAZING. I am a little nervous, though, because injectibles increase the chance of multiples. Not that I would complain with twins or triplets, but I'm nervous about any more than that. I don't think me or my body could handle it. Chris and I will gladly take whatever is given, but we don't want to push our luck.

That brings me to another topic: To tell or not to tell? I know a lot of people who said they are going to wait until they are past the 12 week mark to tell, just to be safe, but I think I'm going to be the opposite. I think I need to tell as soon as I find out, because if something does happen, I will need my friends to be there for me. I think it woudl be hard to ask people to be there for me if I happened to miscarry or something, and they didn't even know I was pregnant.

What do you guys think?

And yet my broken heart still beats...

Despite all that I have gone through... despite all that I have endured... despite all the pain that I still feel... my broken heart continues to beat.

Some days, it is a blessing. Some days, a curse. Some days, it just intensifies the pain.

Don't take this the wrong way; I don't wish to die. I used to. I used to beg for Chris to let me go be with Kylie, to let me go live with her in Heaven and take care of her, but I am beyond that part of my grief. Jaycee needs me. Chris needs me. Kylie needs me HERE on earth. I am not finished letting the world know about Kylie and how to help other babies like her.

There's so much to do.

And my heart still beats. Broken, mangled, and torn, it beats to a different sound than most. It is low, mournful, and irregular, but it is there.

Today has been a rough day. It started off completely wrong, and it just got worse.

To top it off, I started my period this evening. I knew it would be soon, but I was hoping somewhere deep down that the low progesterone level wouldn't prevent a pregnancy. I want this so badly, and I just feel that stabbing pain that I thought I'd never worry about again-- the thought that I might not ever have a child. That pain stabbed at me for 5 years of marriage, and it also stabbed at me as a teenager... and then Kylie graced our lives with her creation, and then she left... and now I'm hopeless again. I hate this feeling that my body has failed me. I hate having a medical condition that gives you so little to be positive about. I hate having a medical condition that changes from day to day... I mean hello? Three years off and on of fertility treatments, and then she comes on her own about 6 months later... and now I can't get my body to even respond to meds.

I feel like I've been thrown into this never-ending, always repeating nightmare... like the cycle continues on forever, and I can't get out of it. This circle keeps going, and it expands, and it starts to curve, giving me hope, and then it's like it laughs in my face and pushes me back into the circle, telling me it just won't end.

When will life stop picking on me? Why can't good people like us, people who love children and desperately want to be parents, have children? Why do bad things happen to good people? I'm not saying i'm perfect, but I feel like I deserve good things, and that I don't deserve this horrible fate that has been bestowed upon me.

My life is so screwed up.

Ramblings

The holidays are fast approaching, and with it comes the anxiety and fear of last year. My mind keeps wandering to images of what I think Kylie would look like... what I think she would be doing. How fast she would be growing... what my life would be like with her here. I try to keep my life busy with things about and for Kylie, because it kind of helps me think that even if she isn't here, I can still make life close to as busy as it would be if she were with me. I know it sounds corny, but I can't help it.


Though I seem to be doing okay on the outside, on the inside, I hurt deeply still. I cry a lot, though it might be for a minute here, or tearing up when I see a newborn baby girl, or crying myself to sleep with a memory of her. Anything can trigger it, and anything can stop it, but it just happens, and so I kind of always have to be ready. Numerous times, in the middle of class, someone has said something or asked a question (or we were reading something) that really might not have anything to do with Kylie at all, but it triggers an emotion or memory, and I have to stop and collect myself. Will this ever go away?


I used to be afraid that I would forget Kylie, that I would forget things about her, that I would forget her story, etc. However, I know now with all of my heart that that will never be possible. I will never forget the details of Kylie's life. I will never forget those precious, priceless memories. How could anyone forget those deep, dark baby blues? How could anyone forget she had deep wrinkles in her forehead that match her daddy's? I could never forget those long legs she kept crossed at the ankles, just like her mommy and her Gramps. I could never forget those long little slender fingers, or that adorable button nose (that she got from her mommy... hehehe). I could never in a million years forget that wavy brown hair, or those tiny, perfect little ears that were also like mine. I could never forget any of it. I don't cling so tightly to those memories now, because they are forever embedded in my mind. I know they won't be going anywhere, so I don't stress about trying to focus on the details so much. If I need to recall them, they are always right there.


My mom was right when she said there would be a place in my heart to keep Kylie tucked away in. She owns a piece of my heart. However, my mom wasn't right when she said I'd be able to tuck her away out of sight and pull her out when I needed/wanted to or when the time was right. There will never be a time for me to tuck her away or put her up somewhere. Her life, however short, will always be my inspiration and my reason for living. If I can't be here, then how will her life have any purpose? Her life's purpose will only be what I make of it, and I can never let her just sit in my heart. I have to share her with the world! She has made such an impact on so many, and there are so many more people I know she will reach.

Next Tuesday, I am the ambassador for Huntsville High's fundraiser for the March of Dimes. It is a dinner and auction, and I will be sharing Kylie's story and why the MOD is so important to me. It is an honor and a blessing to be asked to participate in such an event. Any opportunity to share Kylie with anyone is a huge deal to me, but this is so near and dear to my heart. Because Kylie was a 26 weeker, from the start she benefitted from MOD. Premature babies need special medical care and treatment, and her very first moment in this world made her a recipient of MOD research benefits. After becoming active with the MOD, I discovered that MOD has raised almost a million dollars to fund reasearch on NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis). I am so glad to be a part of this organization and all it stood for. If it weren't for the March of Dimes, Kylie never would have had a chance to live. It is truly amazing to me that they have helped with so many diseases, including research on Alzheimer's and asthma!
This Thursday (in two days) I am the facilitator for our RTS bereavement group. I'm a little anxious, I have to admit, but I know it will be fine. We all need one another so desperately, and it is so important for bereaved parents to be around other people who know and understand the situation. I am thankful for my friends I have met there. I hate the circumstances that brought us together, but I could not make this journey in one piece without them by my side.

If you haven't yet, check out the Hospital Edition of Valley Babies magazine; Kylie's story is the centerfold article =). Now, moms everywhere can read about our sweet angel and know her story... and know that there is hope at the end of the storm.

I thought I would end with a few pictures...

This is us at the end of the October 15th event. Kylie is with us in the photos in my bracelet. Happy 1 year in Heaven, sweet angel.

This photo is a newly updated photo done by our NILMDTS photographer. I love the quote she embedded in the photo!


This is my favorite picture right now. Jaycee loves her baby sister so, so much!

New Frustrations

So all that catching up has brought me back to the purpose of my blog post today.

Fertility treatments= more pain.

We've been trying to conceive (TTC from here on in) since March (since my gallbladder surgery clearance). In April, I had my last period regularly. In June, I still had not had one, and so I changed OBs and moved to Dr. Harris's office. He started me on Provera, got my period started, and we waited for my period to come again. I had to take Provera again in August. :( September, I started clomid, 50 mgs a day, and I finally had a period on my own. YIPPEEE!! This hadn't happened in nearly five months!

This month, we moved to 100 mgs of clomid a day, and I ran an over-the-counter ovulation kit. I didn't ovulate until day 22, but I did get a surge, so I called in, and a progesterone test was scheduled for this past Thursday.

Yesterday, I talked to Dr. Harris, and though I didn't get an exact number, he said it "wasn't good." I'm showing no signs of ovulation again. My progesterone has always been a problem.

We are going one more month on Clomid at 100 mgs, with the ovulation kits, and the progesterone test. If the progesterone isn't any better, we have to consider new routes... which is what I was afraid of.

Dr. Harris also mentioned that he feels a lot of what happened with Kylie was due to that uncontrolled BP that my doctor kept upping my meds on... and if that is the case, oh man, I am just devestated. That could mean my doctor killed Kylie, in a way. And that is NOT okay with me. I wish I had proof. It won't bring her back, but it would help me heal.

So, I am depressed. I didn't want to walk this path again. It just "happened" with Kylie, and I don't understand why it can't just "happen" now. My body sucks. I hate it.

How about this? If I had my Kylie here with me, I wouldn't be going through this, and life would be good.

Life sucks sometimes.

Kylie's One Year Heavenly Birthday Events

Kylie's first angelversary/Heavenly birthday was just as difficult as her first, but there were also more things to think about for that day.

October 15th is National Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. That is also the day I lost Kylie. Ironic? I think not, now that I see how important that day has become for me. I think Kylie wanted me to make note of that day and help honor her life and the lives of all other babies/pregnancies lost too soon. So, that is what I've tried to do.

October 10, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, the organization that did Kylie's professional photos, held a balloon release to honor babies lost that they have specifically served since coming to Huntsville in 2008. It was a beautiful reception and release. Here is a picture of all the balloons:

The ceremony was beautiful, sweet, and appropriate. Live singers/musicians, and a beautiful speech by a special mom. I have met so many people through my endeavors to help parents, and Amy Salter is no exception. All of these wonderful people that I have met have become near and dear to my heart, and they all want the same thing I do. They hurt like I do, and they understand where I am coming from. I feel that Amy and I have a lot in common as we are both trying to do something for parents in honor of our children. (Amy Salter lost one of her twins, and is in the process of getting a room made for parents to say goodbye to their babies. The current room at the NICU is a small, cramped, office-like space that is not appropriate for such a situation.) This event gave me a chance to meet her face-to-face, finally, and to lean on other parents who have gone down the same path.

On October 15th, we spent the day working on things for the first annual National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day ceremony. The slide show had to be finalized, music had to be finalized, etc. Set-up, greeting guests... and the event went off beautifully. I did not make it to the cemetery that day, though, and it broke my heart, but I honored Kylie through being the speaker for the event. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to tell parents that one year later, though you aren't fixed or healed, you can have HOPE. And that, my friends, is about all we can ask for.