My life, my child, and my feelings

My life is different today than it was on September 30, 2009. That was the last day of "normal" in my life, as I knew it. That was the last day Kylie was tucked away safely in my womb, protected from the terrible world and all it had to throw at her.

I am different now than I was on October 14, 2009, as that was my last full day with my angel. Being a mom is the greatest blessing in my life, and those two weeks with Kylie are two weeks that no one can ever take away from me.

I am different now than I was on October 15, 2009, as that was the single most painful day of my existence. Nothing else will ever hurt so badly as watching my daughter pass away in my arms.

Today, I am one year, one month, and one week past saying goodbye to my baby. I am one year, one month, and three weeks past saying hello to my baby girl. Sounds so unfair, doesn't it?

That is just it. I am no where near healed. My life IS unfair. My life is still a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days are good, some are bad, some just mediocre. If you think I should be "fine" by now, then you don't know me very well or grief. I know that sounds harsh, but I don't need anyone telling me when I should be okay or when I should stop hurting.

If you have a problem with how I choose to live my life, and how I choose to honor and remember my child, then you can step out. I do not have the time or energy to try to please anyone but myself. If you can't handle that I still talk about Kylie all the time, or if you can't handle me talking about her at all, then maybe you need to rethink our friendship. I will not censor my facebook, my blog, or my conversation. She is just as much a part of me as anyone else's child. Just because she isn't living doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be included in everything I do.

I am so tired of trying to please everyone else. I am Kylie's mother, first and foremost, and Jaycee's godmother. Then comes the duties of being a wife, a sister, a friend, a grandchild, a daughter, etc. But my job as MOMMY comes first, and I will not alter my role as a mom to please anyone else or make someone else feel better.

If talking about my child and my grief makes me selfish, then I'm sorry you feel that way. Grief can sometimes be a selfish thing. True friends realize when I need someone to lean on or when certain events bother me.

It's hard to see all of the kids together, like at Thanksgiving, when my gut and heart are screaming at me that someone is missing. That someone is my Kylie. That someone will never participate in all of these things. That person will not play with the other children. I won't hear her laughter with the others, won't hear her voice calling "Mommy" when they are fighting, won't hear her cry when her feelings are hurt.

If you get these things in any way, don't take it for granted. Don't judge me for trying to keep Kylie's memory and life alive.

And yes, I am a different person than I used to be. I am different, and I will NEVER be the same. If that is a different you can't live with, please let me know, because we don't have to pretend to be friends. I don't have time for playing around. I still need friends and support.

If you are my friend, it is because I made a conscious choice to have you in my life. If I am your friend, it is because you made a conscious choice to have me in your life. If you mean more to me than I mean to you, then it is time to re-evaluate things and make amends and move on. I can't continue to worry my life over what people think of me, my grief, and my child. My healing process is mine alone, and I won't apologize for it. I won't let you bring me down, especially over my child.

I find strength in her memory and her life, and that can't be taken away. I love my sweet girl so much, and SHE is so important to me.

With that being said, this isn't directed toward anyone in particular, and it is in no way discussing family. Not any one person is guilty alone, but several people have made it clear that they don't like who I am or what this grief has made me. Terrible, huh?

My life, my child, and my feelings. This is who I am.