Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Our big girl!

Our big girl!
Growing so fast!

Kylie 1 day old

Kylie 1 day old
Curling up

Bryleigh Addison

Bryleigh Addison
Our youngest miracle


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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Just some thoughts

Today is the 19th. Today, I've had a lot on my mind. I've been thinking of my beautiful princess in Heaven a lot lately, and how much this pregnancy makes me miss her. I remember how I felt and how excited I was: I was finally going to be a mommy to a beautiful baby that is my own flesh and blood! I was finally going to have a nursery and a baby to hold... I had a future all planned out.

I find myself having a hard time planning out any kind of future for Butterfly, because I'm so afraid that future will be ripped away from me too. I am excited, don't get me wrong, but the reality of things prevents me from being overly thrilled. I want so badly for this to go right, and I know my doctors are doing everything they can, but let's face it. The doctors can't save and prevent everything. What happens if I lose this baby too? How will I survive? How will I live? What would God be trying to tell me? That I'm not a fit mother? That I don't deserve a baby on earth?

I know that it's ridiculous to think about the what if's that might not even happen, but any bit of naivity about pregnancy and giving birth has been ripped away from me. Everything that other women gush over for pregnancy--- that is not a "given" or a "promise" to me.

I love this new baby more than life itself, but I'm so scared of losing him/her. I just hate having these feelings...

Friday, April 15, 2011

Dr. Visits Galore! and ... 18 months in Heaven

So I've had THREE appointments this week! Tueday I met with Dr. Gonzalez. He put me on some additional folic acid tablets, and asked me to send him my blood sugars every week for the entire week. He also had me meet with a nutritionist (which I did Tuesday), and they have me on a gestational diabetes diet to prevent me from getting gestational diabetes wiht my PCOS and insulin resistance. He is going to do the first trimester screen on me, starting with bloodwork next Wednesday, as well as a 12 week ultrasound with Dr. G on May 10- this will measure all kinds of stuff and will tell risk factors for heart defects, down's, spinobifida, and most important, it will tell the strength of my placentaand the risks of abrupting again.

I saw Dr. Harris on Thursday, and got a second ultrasound in a week. =) Butterfly looks like a little lima bean! Dr. Harris said I'd be getting plenty of ultrasounds, and that i will go back in 4 weeks (May 12) for an appointment with Dr. H for another ultrasound and such. He said that with my classical uterine incision, the earlier the better for delivery, so no later than 37 weeks, because I am high risk for a uterine rupture the longer i go. He also prepared me for pre-term birth, and said he'd do everything in his pwoer to prevent it, but it would be a good idea to limit my activities now and slow it down some. I got my "mommy" bag- that huge bag of stuff with a ton of prental vitamin samples, and i had to go today and get all that beginning bloodwork done. Whew! A lot going on!

Today is 18 months since my little princess went to Heaven. One and a half years... one and a half years. I am so sad today, though I'm trying not to focus on the sadness due to my pregnancy- it's a guilty thing too. I feel guilty for being happy and guilty for being sad. I know there's nothing that I can do about what hashappened and what our lives are like, but I still have that empty hole in my heart that will never be filled. I miss her terribly... just wonder what life would be like with an 18 month old around...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Grrr.... Frustrations

Well, of course being so hormonal has not helped me control my temper or my patience. However, this mistake has cost me TIME getting in to see a specialist, so I am pretty pissed.

On WEdnesday, after my phone conversation with the nurse (not my usual nurse), Dr. Harper's office sent a referral to my maternal/fetal specialist, Dr. Gonzalez, out of Brookwood in Birmingham. Well, I waited, and waited, and waited for a call. I knew that he was pretty booked, but I was expecting to get a phone call. Today, 6 days later, I get a phone call from his office, and this is how it goes:

"Hello, is this Amber Keith?"

a "yes" from me..

"This is so-and-so from Brookwood Maternal Fetal Medicine. I am calling to schedule your pre-conception appointment. (pause) You are not pregnant, right?"
"Uh, actually, yes ma'am, I am pregnant. I am about 7 weeks today."

"Oh, you are pregnant. Well, I guess we will need to see you before July. (pause) I guess he will want to go ahead and schedule an appointment with the nutritionist since you are diabetic."

"No, ma'am, I'm not diabetic. I am insulin resistant, but my A1C level was in the normal range. I am on metformin."

"Oh, well then, I guess I'll talk to the nurse and she'll call you back later."

This was like 11:30.

At 2:00, I called back, and was told the nurse had called Dr. Harper's office. I then called Dr. Harper's office, because apparently the referral from that office had said those things, and left a message. Both places were supposed to call me back this afternoon, and yet, it is almost 7 and no one did. It's not an "emergency," but the longer it goes, the longer I have to wait to get seen. I want to be seen soon and I want to be taken care of. I am nervous enough, and I'm frustrated about all of this.

I'm sorry to be complaining, but I just feel that I am the one (and this baby) suffering from a miscommunication that shouldn't have happened int he first place. How do you confuse "pregnant" with "preconception"? It's a bit obvious. Sheesh.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

18 months

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

If words could express how much I miss you right now, I don't think they would ever be enough. It is so, so very hard to grasp that you were born 18 months ago... 1 1/2 years ago. It seems like so long ago, yet sometimes, like it was only yesterday.

I often lay in bed and close my eyes to remember your face... to remember those beautiful blue eyes, to remind myself of the smiles you put on my face every time I laid eyes on you. I could never forget anything about you; I spent two full weeks memorizing your features so that they would forever be etched in my memory. No matter what, I will always see a beautiful angel when I think of you.

I am a pretty lucky Mommy. I mean, I have Jaycee, I have you, and I have our little Butterfly on the way. I have so much, and I owe a lot of it to you. I would give the world and then some to have you back, but I know that is impossible. I know you are in a much safer, better place, but it doesn't change how badly my heart still aches for you. I know it always will; it is the mother in me, I suppose. However, I do not wish you to suffer the earthly pains that would have consummed your life, and so I am thankful that you are in a place where you know no pain, no suffering, and no sadness. It gives me a sense of peace and happiness that I won't ever have to think of you hurting over boys, friends, or life in general. I know that you have a pure heart of gold, and that you have a kindness and understanding of others that I will never, ever know.

Today, I want to thank you for this blessing you have sent to us. I am so, so grateful for this pregnancy and the new rainbow baby you have helped send our way. You are helping heal an empty hole in my soul; I have such a desire to be a Mommy, and this is helping me fulfill that on earth. Sweet girl, do not think that I want to replace you, because that will NEVER happen, but I do want to add to our family. And I will teach Butterfly all about you; you will ALWAYS be just as important in our family as if you were here with us on Earth. Every one of your siblings will know you, love you, and honor your memory as we have started.

Every day, I am touched by the miracle of your life. I share you with others to help babies have a better chance at living; I share you with others to help raise awareness, and I share you most of all because I am PROUD to be your Mommy. I am honored that you were chosen to be my daughter, my first born, my angel. As much as I miss you and love you, I am still the proudest Mommy in the world. Your name is doing so much good for everyone else. I couldn't be more proud.

We are doing okay right now. I'd like to tell you I was worry free, but of course, that isn't the case. I'm terrified of losing again, of going home empty handed, of living  my worst nightmare over again. I'm afraid of what might happen, though I know that I'm doing all I can. I am just nervous, I guess, which is understandable, but having a hard time getting through the worry. We are excited, of course, but the reality of things I guess makes it impossible to be naive about things. We are hopeful that things will come out okay, but you just never know. We go for our first ultrasound on Thursday, so we are anticipating that!

Sweet girl, the walk is coming up in just less than two weeks. We are at $5,000+, and I couldn't be more thrilled with how well we've done. I hope you know we're doing this all for you. I love you so much.

With deepest love,

Your Mommy