Today is the 19th. Today, I've had a lot on my mind. I've been thinking of my beautiful princess in Heaven a lot lately, and how much this pregnancy makes me miss her. I remember how I felt and how excited I was: I was finally going to be a mommy to a beautiful baby that is my own flesh and blood! I was finally going to have a nursery and a baby to hold... I had a future all planned out.
I find myself having a hard time planning out any kind of future for Butterfly, because I'm so afraid that future will be ripped away from me too. I am excited, don't get me wrong, but the reality of things prevents me from being overly thrilled. I want so badly for this to go right, and I know my doctors are doing everything they can, but let's face it. The doctors can't save and prevent everything. What happens if I lose this baby too? How will I survive? How will I live? What would God be trying to tell me? That I'm not a fit mother? That I don't deserve a baby on earth?
I know that it's ridiculous to think about the what if's that might not even happen, but any bit of naivity about pregnancy and giving birth has been ripped away from me. Everything that other women gush over for pregnancy--- that is not a "given" or a "promise" to me.
I love this new baby more than life itself, but I'm so scared of losing him/her. I just hate having these feelings...
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i think you are only human, to worry. you are very concerned and in love with the new baby and i think that make you an awesome mommy =)
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