Nineteen months without her...

Yesterday marked nineteen long months without my beautiful first-born baby girl.

Today marks nineteen long months of heavy, numb grieving. On the fifteenth last year, I was to numb to even grieve or believe. The 16th was when it first set in. The 16th was the first day I didn't go to the NICU first thing in the morning. The 16th was the first time I didn't call the nurse to see how Kylie's night was. The 16th was the first time I didn't pump when I woke up. The 16th was the first time I woke up with an empty, hollow heart. The 16th was the first time I woke up as the parent of an angel. So many firsts...

I don't think I'll ever forget the things that happened during Kylie's too-short lifetime. I don't think I'll ever forget the days right after, leading up to her funeral... Those 2 and 1/2 weeks will be etched in my heart and burned in my mind forever. While so many people bring healthy babies home, I never took my baby anywhere. While so many people pick out carseats, clothes, and other necessities, I was picking out a casket, funeral songs, memoribilia, a cemetery plot, and a headstone. While other parents were paying for doctor's visits, formula, diapers, and wipes, I was paying for a NICU stay, funeral plots for me and Chris, and a headstone.

None of this seems fair at all, especially when you type it out, or you really think about it. NO parent should have to do this. NO parent should have to say goodbye when others get to say "hello" and only say goodbye when the parents are old in age and ready to go on to Heaven.

I said "goodbye" against my will. I was forced to end my earthly relationship with Kylie. I had no choice. She had no choice. We were told "this is it, this is how it will be," and it was. That is how it was.

Yesterday in church, Brother Randy must have been preaching directly too me. I realized when I walked in the door what the date was, and I knew that it was not going to be easy. Then, we had a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace... and I completely fell to pieces. I can NEVER hear that song without falling apart- it was one of the songs we played for sweet Kylie, because honestly, who doesn't feel compelled to play that song at a funeral? It was a beautiful version as well... but I just sobbed, while thinking of my beautiful baby with the life that was ripped away so soon...

And then, the message "Where is God?" If you read Psalms 42 and 43 (I think that was it), basically it gives a message that in times of darkness, it is natural to ask "Where are you? Where is God?" and that your spirit and faith must overcome and realize that He has not completely left you... and I felt that he was speaking to me. Brother Randy told me when Kylie died that it was okay to be mad at God... "he's God. He can handle it." Those words were my comfort, and my permission to be mad. I know it's sad to look at it that way, but I felt that I needed permission to be pissed off, and to an extent, I am still mad.

However, I do realize that Kylie's life, however short it was, was a true gift and blessing from God. God knew that I (and Chris) was needed to help other parents, and He knew that we would use Kylie's life to help others and raise awareness for infant and pregnancy loss. That is why he took her from us on October 15. I knew from that moment that it was not just a coincidence that Kylie passed on National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. There's just no way; that day was meant for me to bring Kylie's life into the limelight, to bring hope to other parents. That is why, just one year to the day after losing my baby girl, I stood in front of about 120+ people at our first annual October 15th ceremony and shared Kylie's story and her impact on my life.

God and I are still in a shaky relationship, but I am still so grateful and thankful that he chose us to be Kylie Brielle's parents. I am in awe that He gave me such a beautiful, perfect baby girl, and that he felt that we deserved an honor of parenting a true, real angel. I am appreciative of the faith that He has in me and the belief that I am strong enough to survive it.

I am thankful that He let Kylie hand-pick Butterfly for us, that he let her choose her brother or sister. I am thankful that He rocks Kylie in his arms and has her in a world of nothing but love, acceptance, and understanding.

I am still, however, in pain. I miss my daughter, and I still have the question "why?"... I still ache for her, still wish desperately that I didn't have to continue living my life without my miracle baby. I am still sad, still depressed... I miss my angel every day, and even though I may seem "okay," I still have a lot going on. I haven't seen my daughter's face in almost 19 months. I haven't held her in 19 months and one day. I haven't kissed her sweet skin or smelled her sweet baby smell... I haven't heard her cry... and I haven't been able to teach her things or watch her grow. I miss her. So. Badly.

I love my daughter more than any words or emotions could ever express. There aren't enough words in the dictionary, there aren't enough stars in the sky, and there aren't enough feelings in the world to express how deeply I love Kylie. I loved her before I knew I was pregnant, I loved her even more when I found out I was pregnant, and I loved her even more than that when she was born... and today, I love her more than I did the day before. I know my love will grow every day, as a mommy's love should, and no one can ever take that away from me.

Don't get me wrong; I love Butterfly more than words can say, as well (and Jaycee, of course- I love her more than anyone would ever know), but just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I can't miss Kylie and love her too. Kylie will always be a part of our family, and our children will always know who Kylie is and will have pictures of her. They will always know they have a big sister (or little sister in Jaycee's case) in Heaven, and that they all have  special angel with them every step of every day. I don't know about you, but if I would have known that when I was growing up, I would have felt pretty darn special...

Kylie, I love you and miss you so, so much. You are my heart, my soul, my world. Thank you for being my first-born, my miracle baby, who made me a mommy and showed me what a mother's love is about.