Some poems for my angel mommy friends...

On rainy yucky days like this, I am reminded of the day Kylie passed. That whole morning was grey, rainy, and miserable, until we pulled into my mom's driveway after leaving the hospital without our sweet baby- the sun shone through the clouds as we got out of the car, and I found it so odd that it was that easy for the sun to shine when my heart was all but dead.

Today, I find comfort in writing and in the writing of others, so I hope this helps you, my angel mommy friends, in remembering your little one(s) and their precious lives. I was just searching for helpful poems.

You never said I'm leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone befor we knew it
and only God knew why,

A million times I needed you
A million times I cried
if love alone could have saved you
you never would have died

In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In our hearts I hold a place
that only you can fill

It broke my heart to lose you
but you didn't go alone
as part of me went with you
the day God took you home.

--- Unknown


"What makes a Mother "


I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
And I know I heard Him say...

“A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby`s not with you?

“Yes, you can,” He said
with confidence in His voice.
“I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
Some I send to feel your womb
But there`s no need to stay.”

I just don`t understand this, God.
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

“I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,

“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear,
“Mommy, don`t be sad today.
I’m your baby and I’m here”

So, you see, my dear sweet one,
Your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home
And this is where she`ll stay.

She`ll wait for you with me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day you come home,
She`ll be at the gate waiting there for you

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It`s the feeling in your heart.
It`s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not see
You`re a mother with a daughter.
They`ll be up here with me one day
And know you`re the best Mother.”


(Author unknown...)

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Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.


She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

-Author Unknown-

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The Mention of His Name
The mention of my childs name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart,
And it sings to my soul.
~~Author Unknown~~

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THE BROKEN CHAIN
We little knew that morning, that God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly, In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you, You did not go alone;
For part of us went with you, The day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories, Your love is still our guide;
And though we cannot see you, You are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken, And nothing seems the same;
But as God call us one by one, The chain will link again.
~author unknown~

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ASK MY MOM HOW SHE IS

My mom, she tells a lot of lies, she never did before,
but from now until she dies she'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my mom how she is and because she can't explain,
she will tell a little lie becasue she can't describe the pain.

Ask my mom how she is, she'll say, "I'm alright"
If that's the truth then tell me, why does she cry each night?

Ask my mom how she is she seems to cope so well,
she doesn't have a choice you see nor the strength to yell.

Ask my mom how she is, "I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping",
For God's sake mom, just tell the truth, just say your heart is braking.

She'll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine,
But if you ask her how she is, she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in heaven I cannot hug from here,
If she lies to you don't listen, hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again I'll smile and I'll be bold,
I'll say, "You're lucky mom to get in here with all the lies you told!"


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THE MASK

I have a face I put in place; It's what I wear when folks are there.

For those only who want to see the way they think I ought to be.

I live in times that have no light, just cloudy darkness, endless night.

I no longer see the sun, I laugh but never feel the fun.

When I arise to start a day, I stumble as I make my way.

I don't know who's really me, I'm not the one I used to be.

I have no heart to fill with joy, I lost it when I lost my boy.

the future is so bleak to me, I choose to not let others see.

So when people stop to ask, I hide behind my smiling mask.

written by Dianna J. Brendle


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Think Before You Speak - by Gwen Flowers

Dear Friend, Today you broke my heart,
In a place that was unbroken.
You did it with your thoughtless words
That should not have been spoken.

You know that I am grieving,
That my pain is deep and real.
Your hurtful words pierced like a knife.
How do you think I feel?

You may not suffer from my loss
Or share this lonely grief,
But I'm mourning my Baby,
Who's life was much too brief.

I'm sure you don't know how I feel,
I don't expect you to.
Don't ask me to get over it....
That's something I can't do.

Without grief, there's no healing
It's a journey I must make.
It's not the path that I would choose,
But one I'm forced to take.

No matter how you choose to see
What I am going through,
I need compassion and support....
I'd do the same for you.

Life's a circle...

but mine feels broken. My whole life, I've wanted to be a mother. That desire has been strong in my life. Everything in life is connected. Everything is related.

A little over a year ago, the worst thing that could possibly happen in any person's life happened to me. The thing that I prayed so hard against... it happened anyway. I prayed every day of Kylie's life: PLEASE GOD, heal her, make her better. Please God, make me stronger, make me wiser, and help me help her. Please God, let the doctors and nurses help her. Please God, let me keep my baby. The most painful: Please God, don't let my daughter die.

And yet, I watched her die in my arms. And yet, I wasn't strong, and I'm still not strong. I am broken. She wasn't healed, and the doctors and nurses still couldn't do enough to save her.

The holidays remind me of my difficult past, and they remind me of my missing link, the link that broke the circle and will prevent my circle from ever being whole.

I take everything personally. I take everything seriously. Auburn is my life. I grew up going to games. I envisioned Kylie going to games, and one day, going to Auburn to graduate on the same stage that I walked across, that her Gramps walked across... I imagined her future as an Auburn Tiger, and it was beautiful. I imagined her having a beautiful future and a beautiful life, and I was willing to do ANYTHING TO GIVE THAT TO HER.

So, the reason that I got so upset today and that I can tie it back to my lack of faith in God and everything else is because EVERYTHING in my life is connected. Kylie, Auburn, holidays, my birthday. Kylie is in everything and everything is a reminder of what I don't have.

I saw a baby girl in an Auburn cheerleader dress today. I cried in the car on the way home, because I wish that Kylie would be here to wear that same dress. That's what started the day off wrong.

I can't believe in anything anymore because nothing fantastic has happened to me. The only thing I ever asked God for, he took away from me. The only thing I ever wantd, he took and didn't even think twice about how much it would hurt me and affect me. I am so fed up of people judging me and telling me how things should go in my life.

If you have NOT walked in my shoes, or shoes similar to mine, you do not get to judge me, say crap about me and how I am living my life, and you don't get to tell me what should and shouldn't bother me. I don't know why I worry what people think of me, but I have always been that way. I can't help it. It shows that I care, I guess, and that's better than not caring at all. I have a heart, and I wear it on my sleeve.

Everything is affected by losing Kylie. Everything. My entire life is consummed with reminders of who is missing, why she's missing, and where she might be/what she might be doing. I am unable to get way from the what if's, the how comes, and the whys. It just is always on my mind.

I wouldn't wish this journey on my WORST enemy. Not at all. I just don't understand. Why would anyone want to try to make me feel WORSE about my situation and my life? Why would anyone wish me more pain or hurt? I hate my life and what it has become. I hate the cards that have been dealt to me.

Yes, so today is a pity party. My birthday is Sunday, and I'll have an even bigger pity party.

I am so miserable without my child, and so it affects everything. My family, my friends, football, my whole life. If you don't like it, I'm sorry. This is who I am now.

Kylie,
I miss you so, so much. I miss you more than any words can say. I love you, and I would give my whole life to be with you. You are my sweet angel, and you mean the world to me. Please try to help Mommy through this really tough time. I miss you deeply.

Love,
Your Mommy

Why?

Why...
Do bad things happen to good people?
Do good things get covered up by the bad?
Is there pain and suffering for those who don't deserve it?
Is every day a struggle?
Do people not understand grief?
Does it seem like no one cares after a certain period of time?
Do people feel the need to make others feel bad about their grief?
Do people take their children for granted?
Do doctors feel they shouldn't listen to their patients?
Does good news sometimes get shoved away to sudden bad news?
Are the holidays so difficult to get through?
Did I have to say goodbye to my child, when others make it through the same thing?
Do I have to wear several different masks for several different situations?
Do people have to judge me for what this has made me?
Do people feel I should be "over" it?
Can't I get pregnant again?
Does my body have to make my life more difficult?
Do I have to have an empty nursery?
Can't I sleep at night?
Do parents have to say goodbye to their children ever?
Is life so complicated?
Does the world seem to fall apart every time I see my sweet baby's face?
Does Jaycee have to live without her baby sister?
Did Chris and I have to try for so hard to get Kylie, only to lose her?
Are prayers unanswered?
Do we pray at all, if our most important ones are ignored?
Is it so hard to talk to someone who has had a loss?
Did God put me here, in this place, right now?
Do babies have to suffer horrible diseases, defects, and birth problems?
Did Kylie have to suffer?
Can't my life just be normal?

Why?

My life, my child, and my feelings

My life is different today than it was on September 30, 2009. That was the last day of "normal" in my life, as I knew it. That was the last day Kylie was tucked away safely in my womb, protected from the terrible world and all it had to throw at her.

I am different now than I was on October 14, 2009, as that was my last full day with my angel. Being a mom is the greatest blessing in my life, and those two weeks with Kylie are two weeks that no one can ever take away from me.

I am different now than I was on October 15, 2009, as that was the single most painful day of my existence. Nothing else will ever hurt so badly as watching my daughter pass away in my arms.

Today, I am one year, one month, and one week past saying goodbye to my baby. I am one year, one month, and three weeks past saying hello to my baby girl. Sounds so unfair, doesn't it?

That is just it. I am no where near healed. My life IS unfair. My life is still a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days are good, some are bad, some just mediocre. If you think I should be "fine" by now, then you don't know me very well or grief. I know that sounds harsh, but I don't need anyone telling me when I should be okay or when I should stop hurting.

If you have a problem with how I choose to live my life, and how I choose to honor and remember my child, then you can step out. I do not have the time or energy to try to please anyone but myself. If you can't handle that I still talk about Kylie all the time, or if you can't handle me talking about her at all, then maybe you need to rethink our friendship. I will not censor my facebook, my blog, or my conversation. She is just as much a part of me as anyone else's child. Just because she isn't living doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be included in everything I do.

I am so tired of trying to please everyone else. I am Kylie's mother, first and foremost, and Jaycee's godmother. Then comes the duties of being a wife, a sister, a friend, a grandchild, a daughter, etc. But my job as MOMMY comes first, and I will not alter my role as a mom to please anyone else or make someone else feel better.

If talking about my child and my grief makes me selfish, then I'm sorry you feel that way. Grief can sometimes be a selfish thing. True friends realize when I need someone to lean on or when certain events bother me.

It's hard to see all of the kids together, like at Thanksgiving, when my gut and heart are screaming at me that someone is missing. That someone is my Kylie. That someone will never participate in all of these things. That person will not play with the other children. I won't hear her laughter with the others, won't hear her voice calling "Mommy" when they are fighting, won't hear her cry when her feelings are hurt.

If you get these things in any way, don't take it for granted. Don't judge me for trying to keep Kylie's memory and life alive.

And yes, I am a different person than I used to be. I am different, and I will NEVER be the same. If that is a different you can't live with, please let me know, because we don't have to pretend to be friends. I don't have time for playing around. I still need friends and support.

If you are my friend, it is because I made a conscious choice to have you in my life. If I am your friend, it is because you made a conscious choice to have me in your life. If you mean more to me than I mean to you, then it is time to re-evaluate things and make amends and move on. I can't continue to worry my life over what people think of me, my grief, and my child. My healing process is mine alone, and I won't apologize for it. I won't let you bring me down, especially over my child.

I find strength in her memory and her life, and that can't be taken away. I love my sweet girl so much, and SHE is so important to me.

With that being said, this isn't directed toward anyone in particular, and it is in no way discussing family. Not any one person is guilty alone, but several people have made it clear that they don't like who I am or what this grief has made me. Terrible, huh?

My life, my child, and my feelings. This is who I am.

All for you, baby girl!

I'm addressing this to Kylie, as I feel that sometimes it expresses emotions and words that blogging alone doesn't express. I love talking to Kylie, and I don't get to often.

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

It has been quite a while since Mommy has written to you. Please don't think it is because I have forgotten you, because I haven't. I would write to you every day, quite honestly, if I could.

So much has been going on, all because of you, and my mind is consummed day in and day out with the image of your sweet little face. It is a blessing to remember you so vividly, to remember your little movements, and to remember those gorgeous baby blues. I am thankful for my good memory, though even if my memory were bad, I know I would never forget you. You are the light of my entire life.

I was able to speak and share your story with others, to help motivate them to donate to the March of Dimes. I think your story definitely inspired many. I had such sweet comments after speaking; they were thankful for me sharing your life with them, and it really helped them see the impact the MOD has on people. You are such a blessing to everyone who hears your story, Kylie, and it makes my heart swell with pride!

I am going to co-head the family teams with another sweet lady who also has an angel in Heaven. I am thankful for the opportunity to help with such an important charity and group. The March of Dimes is the reason you were with Mommy and Daddy for two whole weeks, and for that, I am forever grateful. I will always be a MOD supporter! I know that you are happy to have your family support such an important cause, and I know you would support it too, if you were here with us.

I often think about you and what you would look like now, what your personality would be like, and it just seems so hard to believe you're gone and not coming back. The holidays are so difficult, because everyone else is all happy and merry without a care in the world, and they think everything is so perfect... but for me, life won't ever achieve perfection again, because you will always be missing. I know it's not healthy to dwell on the what if's, but I can't help but wonder how different my life would be if you were with me.

Some nights are still lonely and difficult. Some days, I miss you so much more than others. It is a difficult, difficult journey. I ache to hold you one more time... I miss you deeply, terribly, painfully. My heart still feels like it has a hole, a hole that will never be filled. I am not the same person I was before you left, and I never will be completely the same.

Kylie, you changed my life in so many positive ways, and you continue to make me strive to be a better person. Your tiny life was a miracle in more ways than one, and nothing could ever take that away from us. You have made me stronger, more passionate, and more giving. You have made me more cautious, more questioning, more concerned. You have helped me find a way to help others, and you have helped me become a better person with an even bigger heart. You have inspired me in countless ways. You are my light, my life, my hope, my heart. You are everything I wish to be and more. You are perfect. You are mine. You are loved. You are missed.

I could go on forever telling you how much I love you, miss you, and ache for you. I could use every word in the English language to tell you how much I wish to have you back in my arms. I would give anything for another cuddle, for another kiss, for another chance to touch your sweet face and kiss your precious nose. I would give my life so that you could have yours.

Please keep close to Mommy and Daddy in the next few weeks and months, as the holidays are so hard, as they serve as a reminder of how much we miss you. I wish so much that you were opening presents with us this year, having some table food with us at Thanksgiving...

Sweet baby, you are the most loved angel in Heaven. I love you with every fiber of my being, and I miss you equally as much. I love you, I love you, I love you.

You are my heart, my tiny angel.

Love always and forever,

Your Mommy

March of Dimes and personal goals

Before I get into my post for the day, I wonder if anyone really even reads my blog? It doesn't really matter, I guess, but I never have any comments or responses, and so I just wonder how many people actually see it. I write it to help myself, but I do share it publicly to let others know. I always wonder how many people comment and post to other people's blogs- I don't get the opportunity much, but I would like to do more of that myself.

Okay, on to the REAL post. =)

Today, I had the opportunity to speak on behalf of the March of Dimes. Huntsville High's FBLA did their annual March of Dimes dinner and silent auction fundraiser, and I was asked to be the speaker for this event. It was such an honor to speak. Out of all the parents who support and assist the MOD here in our area, I was chosen to speak. It makes me so happy, and I am blessed to have had the opportunity.

Standing before those people who willingly donated their time, money, and hearts to the event today... it just made me well up with pride. Though I miss her terribly, and though my life without her is so, so difficult... her life was not in vain. She serves so many purposes, and today, I think she helped some people realize just how important MOD is. Good job, baby girl! Mommy is so, so proud of you!

In the same instance, I was also asked about being the Family Teams captain for this year's March for Babies. Well, DUH! =) You didn't even have to ask, Benita! I am honored to have this opportunity to work closely with other family teams and help in any way possible. This organization is important.

On a different note, I am finally ready to get my non-profit started. I am starting a non-profit to provide parents with resources when they lose a pregnancy or their baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, prematurity, full-term illness, etc. This is in addition to the resources the hospital gives. I have met a wonderful person (Amy Salter!), who I am just so blessed to know, and who is going to help me get started with the right information and on the right track. This will prevent me from using Huntsville Hospital Foundation, and it will give me my own rights to figure out how to run this thing. When this gets going, Kylie's name will be all over the world. I am so, so grateful! I want to also use the non-profit to generate donations to go towards finding a cure for NEC, because gosh knows something MUST be done to prevent other babies from losing their battles to this disease.

So much in my life has yet to be done. I'm about to start my recruiting again for the March for Babies- who is interested in staying on the team, who isn't. I will be coaching everyone this year on how to set up their page and encourage more online donations than anything. We will be printing off receipts faster. I will be keeping up with totals. T-shirts will come early. We will be having our Thirty-One fundraiser party again, and there will be good incentives for buying! The fundraiser will be in February, and that is when the new catalog comes out, and it should be $1 monogramming again!!!!! Whooo hoo for an awesome time to do a fundraiser! =) If anyone has any fundraising ideas, you should let me know! I don't want to over-kill the fundraisers, but you know, our goal will start at $5,000 this year, so I want to pass last year's $8,000!!!!! I know we can do it. If you already know I can count on you to be on team Angel Kylie's Hope, just let me know. This year, we are also walking for my sweet honorary nephew, Gavin, who spent the first few weeks of his life in the NICU and hospital for heart surgery. He is a living miracle, and Kylie is our Heavenly miracle. How perfect =) I'm working on this year's t-shirt design, so if you have any suggestions, let me know. I know it's just November, but we'll start campaigning in January, so you have to start thinking ahead. The walk is April 16, 2011 at Bridgestreet again. =)

So yes, so much to post, and so much going through my head... I hope this didn't go overboard or overwhelm anyone. My life is busy and full with Jaycee and Kylie, and that is just the way I like it. I love the fact that my children occupy my life. I love them both deeply!

Blah!

Well, I feel very "Blah!" today because I got two shots yesterday (one in each hip) due to a severe ear infection and a sinus infection. I feel better than I did, but I'm still pretty crummy feeling. :( Of course, it would come the day I start my cycle, so that was no fun.

I start back on my clomid today, since today is officially day 2, and I take it for the next four days after. I am not nervous about the clomid, but I ahve a very "negative" feeling about it. I feel like my progesterone isn't going to change at all, and I feel like this is a little pointless, since it was so low last time.

If it doesn't go well this month, I think Dr. Harris is going to refer me back out to my fertility doc. I have means to obtain one whole month of injectibles, which is AMAZING. I am a little nervous, though, because injectibles increase the chance of multiples. Not that I would complain with twins or triplets, but I'm nervous about any more than that. I don't think me or my body could handle it. Chris and I will gladly take whatever is given, but we don't want to push our luck.

That brings me to another topic: To tell or not to tell? I know a lot of people who said they are going to wait until they are past the 12 week mark to tell, just to be safe, but I think I'm going to be the opposite. I think I need to tell as soon as I find out, because if something does happen, I will need my friends to be there for me. I think it woudl be hard to ask people to be there for me if I happened to miscarry or something, and they didn't even know I was pregnant.

What do you guys think?

And yet my broken heart still beats...

Despite all that I have gone through... despite all that I have endured... despite all the pain that I still feel... my broken heart continues to beat.

Some days, it is a blessing. Some days, a curse. Some days, it just intensifies the pain.

Don't take this the wrong way; I don't wish to die. I used to. I used to beg for Chris to let me go be with Kylie, to let me go live with her in Heaven and take care of her, but I am beyond that part of my grief. Jaycee needs me. Chris needs me. Kylie needs me HERE on earth. I am not finished letting the world know about Kylie and how to help other babies like her.

There's so much to do.

And my heart still beats. Broken, mangled, and torn, it beats to a different sound than most. It is low, mournful, and irregular, but it is there.

Today has been a rough day. It started off completely wrong, and it just got worse.

To top it off, I started my period this evening. I knew it would be soon, but I was hoping somewhere deep down that the low progesterone level wouldn't prevent a pregnancy. I want this so badly, and I just feel that stabbing pain that I thought I'd never worry about again-- the thought that I might not ever have a child. That pain stabbed at me for 5 years of marriage, and it also stabbed at me as a teenager... and then Kylie graced our lives with her creation, and then she left... and now I'm hopeless again. I hate this feeling that my body has failed me. I hate having a medical condition that gives you so little to be positive about. I hate having a medical condition that changes from day to day... I mean hello? Three years off and on of fertility treatments, and then she comes on her own about 6 months later... and now I can't get my body to even respond to meds.

I feel like I've been thrown into this never-ending, always repeating nightmare... like the cycle continues on forever, and I can't get out of it. This circle keeps going, and it expands, and it starts to curve, giving me hope, and then it's like it laughs in my face and pushes me back into the circle, telling me it just won't end.

When will life stop picking on me? Why can't good people like us, people who love children and desperately want to be parents, have children? Why do bad things happen to good people? I'm not saying i'm perfect, but I feel like I deserve good things, and that I don't deserve this horrible fate that has been bestowed upon me.

My life is so screwed up.

Ramblings

The holidays are fast approaching, and with it comes the anxiety and fear of last year. My mind keeps wandering to images of what I think Kylie would look like... what I think she would be doing. How fast she would be growing... what my life would be like with her here. I try to keep my life busy with things about and for Kylie, because it kind of helps me think that even if she isn't here, I can still make life close to as busy as it would be if she were with me. I know it sounds corny, but I can't help it.


Though I seem to be doing okay on the outside, on the inside, I hurt deeply still. I cry a lot, though it might be for a minute here, or tearing up when I see a newborn baby girl, or crying myself to sleep with a memory of her. Anything can trigger it, and anything can stop it, but it just happens, and so I kind of always have to be ready. Numerous times, in the middle of class, someone has said something or asked a question (or we were reading something) that really might not have anything to do with Kylie at all, but it triggers an emotion or memory, and I have to stop and collect myself. Will this ever go away?


I used to be afraid that I would forget Kylie, that I would forget things about her, that I would forget her story, etc. However, I know now with all of my heart that that will never be possible. I will never forget the details of Kylie's life. I will never forget those precious, priceless memories. How could anyone forget those deep, dark baby blues? How could anyone forget she had deep wrinkles in her forehead that match her daddy's? I could never forget those long legs she kept crossed at the ankles, just like her mommy and her Gramps. I could never forget those long little slender fingers, or that adorable button nose (that she got from her mommy... hehehe). I could never in a million years forget that wavy brown hair, or those tiny, perfect little ears that were also like mine. I could never forget any of it. I don't cling so tightly to those memories now, because they are forever embedded in my mind. I know they won't be going anywhere, so I don't stress about trying to focus on the details so much. If I need to recall them, they are always right there.


My mom was right when she said there would be a place in my heart to keep Kylie tucked away in. She owns a piece of my heart. However, my mom wasn't right when she said I'd be able to tuck her away out of sight and pull her out when I needed/wanted to or when the time was right. There will never be a time for me to tuck her away or put her up somewhere. Her life, however short, will always be my inspiration and my reason for living. If I can't be here, then how will her life have any purpose? Her life's purpose will only be what I make of it, and I can never let her just sit in my heart. I have to share her with the world! She has made such an impact on so many, and there are so many more people I know she will reach.

Next Tuesday, I am the ambassador for Huntsville High's fundraiser for the March of Dimes. It is a dinner and auction, and I will be sharing Kylie's story and why the MOD is so important to me. It is an honor and a blessing to be asked to participate in such an event. Any opportunity to share Kylie with anyone is a huge deal to me, but this is so near and dear to my heart. Because Kylie was a 26 weeker, from the start she benefitted from MOD. Premature babies need special medical care and treatment, and her very first moment in this world made her a recipient of MOD research benefits. After becoming active with the MOD, I discovered that MOD has raised almost a million dollars to fund reasearch on NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis). I am so glad to be a part of this organization and all it stood for. If it weren't for the March of Dimes, Kylie never would have had a chance to live. It is truly amazing to me that they have helped with so many diseases, including research on Alzheimer's and asthma!
This Thursday (in two days) I am the facilitator for our RTS bereavement group. I'm a little anxious, I have to admit, but I know it will be fine. We all need one another so desperately, and it is so important for bereaved parents to be around other people who know and understand the situation. I am thankful for my friends I have met there. I hate the circumstances that brought us together, but I could not make this journey in one piece without them by my side.

If you haven't yet, check out the Hospital Edition of Valley Babies magazine; Kylie's story is the centerfold article =). Now, moms everywhere can read about our sweet angel and know her story... and know that there is hope at the end of the storm.

I thought I would end with a few pictures...

This is us at the end of the October 15th event. Kylie is with us in the photos in my bracelet. Happy 1 year in Heaven, sweet angel.

This photo is a newly updated photo done by our NILMDTS photographer. I love the quote she embedded in the photo!


This is my favorite picture right now. Jaycee loves her baby sister so, so much!

New Frustrations

So all that catching up has brought me back to the purpose of my blog post today.

Fertility treatments= more pain.

We've been trying to conceive (TTC from here on in) since March (since my gallbladder surgery clearance). In April, I had my last period regularly. In June, I still had not had one, and so I changed OBs and moved to Dr. Harris's office. He started me on Provera, got my period started, and we waited for my period to come again. I had to take Provera again in August. :( September, I started clomid, 50 mgs a day, and I finally had a period on my own. YIPPEEE!! This hadn't happened in nearly five months!

This month, we moved to 100 mgs of clomid a day, and I ran an over-the-counter ovulation kit. I didn't ovulate until day 22, but I did get a surge, so I called in, and a progesterone test was scheduled for this past Thursday.

Yesterday, I talked to Dr. Harris, and though I didn't get an exact number, he said it "wasn't good." I'm showing no signs of ovulation again. My progesterone has always been a problem.

We are going one more month on Clomid at 100 mgs, with the ovulation kits, and the progesterone test. If the progesterone isn't any better, we have to consider new routes... which is what I was afraid of.

Dr. Harris also mentioned that he feels a lot of what happened with Kylie was due to that uncontrolled BP that my doctor kept upping my meds on... and if that is the case, oh man, I am just devestated. That could mean my doctor killed Kylie, in a way. And that is NOT okay with me. I wish I had proof. It won't bring her back, but it would help me heal.

So, I am depressed. I didn't want to walk this path again. It just "happened" with Kylie, and I don't understand why it can't just "happen" now. My body sucks. I hate it.

How about this? If I had my Kylie here with me, I wouldn't be going through this, and life would be good.

Life sucks sometimes.

Kylie's One Year Heavenly Birthday Events

Kylie's first angelversary/Heavenly birthday was just as difficult as her first, but there were also more things to think about for that day.

October 15th is National Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. That is also the day I lost Kylie. Ironic? I think not, now that I see how important that day has become for me. I think Kylie wanted me to make note of that day and help honor her life and the lives of all other babies/pregnancies lost too soon. So, that is what I've tried to do.

October 10, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, the organization that did Kylie's professional photos, held a balloon release to honor babies lost that they have specifically served since coming to Huntsville in 2008. It was a beautiful reception and release. Here is a picture of all the balloons:

The ceremony was beautiful, sweet, and appropriate. Live singers/musicians, and a beautiful speech by a special mom. I have met so many people through my endeavors to help parents, and Amy Salter is no exception. All of these wonderful people that I have met have become near and dear to my heart, and they all want the same thing I do. They hurt like I do, and they understand where I am coming from. I feel that Amy and I have a lot in common as we are both trying to do something for parents in honor of our children. (Amy Salter lost one of her twins, and is in the process of getting a room made for parents to say goodbye to their babies. The current room at the NICU is a small, cramped, office-like space that is not appropriate for such a situation.) This event gave me a chance to meet her face-to-face, finally, and to lean on other parents who have gone down the same path.

On October 15th, we spent the day working on things for the first annual National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day ceremony. The slide show had to be finalized, music had to be finalized, etc. Set-up, greeting guests... and the event went off beautifully. I did not make it to the cemetery that day, though, and it broke my heart, but I honored Kylie through being the speaker for the event. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to tell parents that one year later, though you aren't fixed or healed, you can have HOPE. And that, my friends, is about all we can ask for.

Kylie's first birthday photos and stories

The memory boxes I made for parents who have lost a baby in the NICU. For Kylie's birthday party, we got together and decorated memory boxes. We made 16 total, and they were truly gorgeous. We took them to the NICU the next day, and they were so well-received. What a blessing to offer parents a gift of comfort, as our memory box is a priceless gift we have been given to hold Kylie's things.

Daddy made THREE memory boxes and did a GREAT job at it. He was very proud to make boxes in honor of his special baby girl. What a good husband I have, huh? =) I think his turned out better than mine, to be quite honest.

This is the absolutely gorgeous cake my sister baked for Kylie's birthday party. Isn't it just amazing? I know Kylie is smiling down on her Aunt Ashley every day, just in awe of her creativity and her ability to create beautiful cakes. Just an amazing talent my sissy has.

Kylie's first birthday decorations at her headstone. One year later, the grass is finally covering the entire place that was once dirt and barren. The flowers on top and in her vase are from her Grammy and Gramps (my parents), the bird house is from her Aunt Ashley, Uncle Jon, and Nick-Nick, and the sign and balloon are from Mommy, Daddy, and Jaycee. I think it was a beautiful way to decorate for her!

October 1 was a hard, difficult day for me and us. We spent the day buying scrapbooking items for Kylie's party, and we went to lunch with Miss Carolyn, Kylie's sweet primary care nurse from the NICU. Miss Carolyn, ironically, took care of Kylie on October 2nd for the first time (the day of Kylie's party) and she was also Kylie's nurse on the day Kylie passed (and several, several days in between!). That night for dinner, we went as a family to Olive Garden, as it was the place Mom and Chris and I went to eat the first day I was out of the hospital and we left the NICU to go home for the night. It just had some sentimental value to us.

Kylie's First Year Birthday

~This was from October 3, 2010- my birthday letter to Kylie~

My dearest Kylie,

So many times, I have started this letter and then stopped. I have struggled with what to say, how to say it, and even where to begin. I guess I should just start, so I will go back to the beginning.

One year ago, I gave birth to you (quite suddenly), but once I knew you were okay, a small part of me was excited. I was giddy- I was a parent, and it was official. There was no guessing about what you looked like, who you favored, or when you would arrive, because you were HERE. I was nervous, but all I could think about was that you were here and you were perfect, and I was your MOMMY. This time last year, I was in amazement with you. You were just as sweet as pie (actually, sweeter), and I reveled in every move you made, every little sound I "thought" I heard... I cried when Miss Carolyn gave you your first shots. I cried when someone tried to tell me I couldn't speak with you. I smiled when you opened your eyes, and I nearly cried with joy when you responded to my touch. I was still in the hospital at this time last year (October 3). Tomorrow is the day last year I had to leave you at the hospital, but it is also the day I fed you for the first time, which was amazing! It was also the day of your first poop. =) Yes, Kylie, even though you aren't with me, it is my job as your mother to embarrass you. Don't worry. I also took pictures of it!

So much has happened in a year. Some days, I still wish i could stay in bed all day and cry myself to sleep. I wish I could take away this pain and replace it with you back in my arms. I am sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes a mix. Sometimes, I'm even numb. It is so hard to explain, but that is how grief works. I am confident that I am better in many ways today than I was 6 months ago, but sometimes, it feels like I am taking 100 steps back. My life is not the same as it was before you were born, and that is the truth. However, you have made such a positive impact on my life. Don't view that change as negative, because it isn't. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't want you to ever think anything different.

Because of you, Kylie Brielle, I want to help others. I do often think about what you would be doing now, who you would look like, etc. I am sure you would still look so much like your daddy, with my nose (hehehe... I won't ever let that down!). I bet you would have been a very inquisitive child, a very happy child. You were so content your two weeks with us, despite your situation. It didn't take much to make you happy, and for that, we are grateful. We didn't want you to suffer or be in a lot of discomfort when you were here. That would crush us.

I hope you enjoyed your birthday celebrations we had here on Earth, and that you had a special birthday party with the angels in Heaven. I can imagine that a birthday on Heaven is better than anything here, but I tried to make it a memorable weekend for you and for us.

Your big sister was able to go to the NICU today and see the place where you lived. She was able to step inside those doors for the first time and meet the doctor who helped bring you into the world, and she was able to step inside the little family room where we held you and introduced you to your family. I wish so badly she could have been there that day to meet you, as I know she would have handled it beautifully. Your sister is a very proud sister, and I am so glad that she loves you so much. I know she would be such a good helper to Mommy, and I know that you love her too. She talks about you often, and as long as we can all talk about you in this house, your memory and legacy will never fade.

I want you to know that I could never be more proud to have you as my child. Your story and life inspires everyone I meet. You bring hope, faith, and courage to those who need it, and you guide others who are lost. You bring such joy to everything I am doing, and you are a true inspiration for so many. It makes me so proud to know that your life is impacting more people in ONE YEAR (and 2 short weeks of life) than I could imagine impacting in a lifetime. How blessed your Daddy and I are to have you in our lives!

I want you to know that Daddy and I will always, always miss you, and we will forever love you more than any words could express. You are a very, very special angel, and there is nothing in this world that could ever make me stop talking to you, about you, or for you.

I have to admit, it hasn't been as easy for me as I like. On your actual birthday, I went to your bedroom to get your blanket and teddy bear to sleep with, and I just completely lost it. I fell to the floor and cried for half an hour... just cried my eyes out. I don't think I've cried like that in 8 or 9 months, but when I finished, I felt so much more at peace, like it was easier to breathe. I truly felt your presence with me that night, which soothed me and my broken heart. Thank you for taking care of Mommy. I try to be so strong sometimes that my weak moments take my breath away. I'm trying to do better, but that got the best of me.

Not a day, hour, minute, or second goes by that you aren't on my mind in some way. I love you with every ounce of me.

I miss you, sweet girl. I am sending all my love to Heaven.



Forever love,

Your Mommy