Ramblings

The holidays are fast approaching, and with it comes the anxiety and fear of last year. My mind keeps wandering to images of what I think Kylie would look like... what I think she would be doing. How fast she would be growing... what my life would be like with her here. I try to keep my life busy with things about and for Kylie, because it kind of helps me think that even if she isn't here, I can still make life close to as busy as it would be if she were with me. I know it sounds corny, but I can't help it.


Though I seem to be doing okay on the outside, on the inside, I hurt deeply still. I cry a lot, though it might be for a minute here, or tearing up when I see a newborn baby girl, or crying myself to sleep with a memory of her. Anything can trigger it, and anything can stop it, but it just happens, and so I kind of always have to be ready. Numerous times, in the middle of class, someone has said something or asked a question (or we were reading something) that really might not have anything to do with Kylie at all, but it triggers an emotion or memory, and I have to stop and collect myself. Will this ever go away?


I used to be afraid that I would forget Kylie, that I would forget things about her, that I would forget her story, etc. However, I know now with all of my heart that that will never be possible. I will never forget the details of Kylie's life. I will never forget those precious, priceless memories. How could anyone forget those deep, dark baby blues? How could anyone forget she had deep wrinkles in her forehead that match her daddy's? I could never forget those long legs she kept crossed at the ankles, just like her mommy and her Gramps. I could never forget those long little slender fingers, or that adorable button nose (that she got from her mommy... hehehe). I could never in a million years forget that wavy brown hair, or those tiny, perfect little ears that were also like mine. I could never forget any of it. I don't cling so tightly to those memories now, because they are forever embedded in my mind. I know they won't be going anywhere, so I don't stress about trying to focus on the details so much. If I need to recall them, they are always right there.


My mom was right when she said there would be a place in my heart to keep Kylie tucked away in. She owns a piece of my heart. However, my mom wasn't right when she said I'd be able to tuck her away out of sight and pull her out when I needed/wanted to or when the time was right. There will never be a time for me to tuck her away or put her up somewhere. Her life, however short, will always be my inspiration and my reason for living. If I can't be here, then how will her life have any purpose? Her life's purpose will only be what I make of it, and I can never let her just sit in my heart. I have to share her with the world! She has made such an impact on so many, and there are so many more people I know she will reach.

Next Tuesday, I am the ambassador for Huntsville High's fundraiser for the March of Dimes. It is a dinner and auction, and I will be sharing Kylie's story and why the MOD is so important to me. It is an honor and a blessing to be asked to participate in such an event. Any opportunity to share Kylie with anyone is a huge deal to me, but this is so near and dear to my heart. Because Kylie was a 26 weeker, from the start she benefitted from MOD. Premature babies need special medical care and treatment, and her very first moment in this world made her a recipient of MOD research benefits. After becoming active with the MOD, I discovered that MOD has raised almost a million dollars to fund reasearch on NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis). I am so glad to be a part of this organization and all it stood for. If it weren't for the March of Dimes, Kylie never would have had a chance to live. It is truly amazing to me that they have helped with so many diseases, including research on Alzheimer's and asthma!
This Thursday (in two days) I am the facilitator for our RTS bereavement group. I'm a little anxious, I have to admit, but I know it will be fine. We all need one another so desperately, and it is so important for bereaved parents to be around other people who know and understand the situation. I am thankful for my friends I have met there. I hate the circumstances that brought us together, but I could not make this journey in one piece without them by my side.

If you haven't yet, check out the Hospital Edition of Valley Babies magazine; Kylie's story is the centerfold article =). Now, moms everywhere can read about our sweet angel and know her story... and know that there is hope at the end of the storm.

I thought I would end with a few pictures...

This is us at the end of the October 15th event. Kylie is with us in the photos in my bracelet. Happy 1 year in Heaven, sweet angel.

This photo is a newly updated photo done by our NILMDTS photographer. I love the quote she embedded in the photo!


This is my favorite picture right now. Jaycee loves her baby sister so, so much!