Life's a circle...

but mine feels broken. My whole life, I've wanted to be a mother. That desire has been strong in my life. Everything in life is connected. Everything is related.

A little over a year ago, the worst thing that could possibly happen in any person's life happened to me. The thing that I prayed so hard against... it happened anyway. I prayed every day of Kylie's life: PLEASE GOD, heal her, make her better. Please God, make me stronger, make me wiser, and help me help her. Please God, let the doctors and nurses help her. Please God, let me keep my baby. The most painful: Please God, don't let my daughter die.

And yet, I watched her die in my arms. And yet, I wasn't strong, and I'm still not strong. I am broken. She wasn't healed, and the doctors and nurses still couldn't do enough to save her.

The holidays remind me of my difficult past, and they remind me of my missing link, the link that broke the circle and will prevent my circle from ever being whole.

I take everything personally. I take everything seriously. Auburn is my life. I grew up going to games. I envisioned Kylie going to games, and one day, going to Auburn to graduate on the same stage that I walked across, that her Gramps walked across... I imagined her future as an Auburn Tiger, and it was beautiful. I imagined her having a beautiful future and a beautiful life, and I was willing to do ANYTHING TO GIVE THAT TO HER.

So, the reason that I got so upset today and that I can tie it back to my lack of faith in God and everything else is because EVERYTHING in my life is connected. Kylie, Auburn, holidays, my birthday. Kylie is in everything and everything is a reminder of what I don't have.

I saw a baby girl in an Auburn cheerleader dress today. I cried in the car on the way home, because I wish that Kylie would be here to wear that same dress. That's what started the day off wrong.

I can't believe in anything anymore because nothing fantastic has happened to me. The only thing I ever asked God for, he took away from me. The only thing I ever wantd, he took and didn't even think twice about how much it would hurt me and affect me. I am so fed up of people judging me and telling me how things should go in my life.

If you have NOT walked in my shoes, or shoes similar to mine, you do not get to judge me, say crap about me and how I am living my life, and you don't get to tell me what should and shouldn't bother me. I don't know why I worry what people think of me, but I have always been that way. I can't help it. It shows that I care, I guess, and that's better than not caring at all. I have a heart, and I wear it on my sleeve.

Everything is affected by losing Kylie. Everything. My entire life is consummed with reminders of who is missing, why she's missing, and where she might be/what she might be doing. I am unable to get way from the what if's, the how comes, and the whys. It just is always on my mind.

I wouldn't wish this journey on my WORST enemy. Not at all. I just don't understand. Why would anyone want to try to make me feel WORSE about my situation and my life? Why would anyone wish me more pain or hurt? I hate my life and what it has become. I hate the cards that have been dealt to me.

Yes, so today is a pity party. My birthday is Sunday, and I'll have an even bigger pity party.

I am so miserable without my child, and so it affects everything. My family, my friends, football, my whole life. If you don't like it, I'm sorry. This is who I am now.

Kylie,
I miss you so, so much. I miss you more than any words can say. I love you, and I would give my whole life to be with you. You are my sweet angel, and you mean the world to me. Please try to help Mommy through this really tough time. I miss you deeply.

Love,
Your Mommy