Kylie's First Year Birthday

~This was from October 3, 2010- my birthday letter to Kylie~

My dearest Kylie,

So many times, I have started this letter and then stopped. I have struggled with what to say, how to say it, and even where to begin. I guess I should just start, so I will go back to the beginning.

One year ago, I gave birth to you (quite suddenly), but once I knew you were okay, a small part of me was excited. I was giddy- I was a parent, and it was official. There was no guessing about what you looked like, who you favored, or when you would arrive, because you were HERE. I was nervous, but all I could think about was that you were here and you were perfect, and I was your MOMMY. This time last year, I was in amazement with you. You were just as sweet as pie (actually, sweeter), and I reveled in every move you made, every little sound I "thought" I heard... I cried when Miss Carolyn gave you your first shots. I cried when someone tried to tell me I couldn't speak with you. I smiled when you opened your eyes, and I nearly cried with joy when you responded to my touch. I was still in the hospital at this time last year (October 3). Tomorrow is the day last year I had to leave you at the hospital, but it is also the day I fed you for the first time, which was amazing! It was also the day of your first poop. =) Yes, Kylie, even though you aren't with me, it is my job as your mother to embarrass you. Don't worry. I also took pictures of it!

So much has happened in a year. Some days, I still wish i could stay in bed all day and cry myself to sleep. I wish I could take away this pain and replace it with you back in my arms. I am sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes a mix. Sometimes, I'm even numb. It is so hard to explain, but that is how grief works. I am confident that I am better in many ways today than I was 6 months ago, but sometimes, it feels like I am taking 100 steps back. My life is not the same as it was before you were born, and that is the truth. However, you have made such a positive impact on my life. Don't view that change as negative, because it isn't. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't want you to ever think anything different.

Because of you, Kylie Brielle, I want to help others. I do often think about what you would be doing now, who you would look like, etc. I am sure you would still look so much like your daddy, with my nose (hehehe... I won't ever let that down!). I bet you would have been a very inquisitive child, a very happy child. You were so content your two weeks with us, despite your situation. It didn't take much to make you happy, and for that, we are grateful. We didn't want you to suffer or be in a lot of discomfort when you were here. That would crush us.

I hope you enjoyed your birthday celebrations we had here on Earth, and that you had a special birthday party with the angels in Heaven. I can imagine that a birthday on Heaven is better than anything here, but I tried to make it a memorable weekend for you and for us.

Your big sister was able to go to the NICU today and see the place where you lived. She was able to step inside those doors for the first time and meet the doctor who helped bring you into the world, and she was able to step inside the little family room where we held you and introduced you to your family. I wish so badly she could have been there that day to meet you, as I know she would have handled it beautifully. Your sister is a very proud sister, and I am so glad that she loves you so much. I know she would be such a good helper to Mommy, and I know that you love her too. She talks about you often, and as long as we can all talk about you in this house, your memory and legacy will never fade.

I want you to know that I could never be more proud to have you as my child. Your story and life inspires everyone I meet. You bring hope, faith, and courage to those who need it, and you guide others who are lost. You bring such joy to everything I am doing, and you are a true inspiration for so many. It makes me so proud to know that your life is impacting more people in ONE YEAR (and 2 short weeks of life) than I could imagine impacting in a lifetime. How blessed your Daddy and I are to have you in our lives!

I want you to know that Daddy and I will always, always miss you, and we will forever love you more than any words could express. You are a very, very special angel, and there is nothing in this world that could ever make me stop talking to you, about you, or for you.

I have to admit, it hasn't been as easy for me as I like. On your actual birthday, I went to your bedroom to get your blanket and teddy bear to sleep with, and I just completely lost it. I fell to the floor and cried for half an hour... just cried my eyes out. I don't think I've cried like that in 8 or 9 months, but when I finished, I felt so much more at peace, like it was easier to breathe. I truly felt your presence with me that night, which soothed me and my broken heart. Thank you for taking care of Mommy. I try to be so strong sometimes that my weak moments take my breath away. I'm trying to do better, but that got the best of me.

Not a day, hour, minute, or second goes by that you aren't on my mind in some way. I love you with every ounce of me.

I miss you, sweet girl. I am sending all my love to Heaven.



Forever love,

Your Mommy