Lately

So I know I keep saying I'm going to do better, but I guess I'll just stop promising that and just write what I want when I want.

Lately, I have been really throwing myself at things to help other parents. It is when I feel the best about myself, about Kylie, about the past year and all the things that have happened. This week last year is when things started going downhill for me, and I am just so scared about what I am going to start feeling, how I'm going to be, how the month is going to play out, etc.

I am less than one month away from the most priceless day of my life, but I am also right at a month away from the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. Isn't it strange how the happiest day and the worst day of my life happened within 2 weeks of the same month, in the same year? :(

It's hard to believe that we are fast approaching Kylie's first birthday, a day that I once imagined to be full of smiles, photos, a cake-covered baby, and tons of presents. I imagined a blue-eyed baby girl dressed in a pink "I'm ONE!" onesie, clapping and smiling and having a blast. My reality is much different.

There isn't a sweet little girl to wake up and sing happy birthday to while I change her diaper. There isn't a pair of tiny hands trying to rip open paper on all the presents. There isn't a smile to show off to the camera, and there isn't going to be a face to cover in cake.

So many people may mistake my enthusiasm for helping others as a sign that I am feeling better about it, that I am doing okay, but inside, my mind is screaming at me.

I was criticized earlier about putting all my "shit out there" to everyone. Someone said that to me... that everything I post and put out is "shit." Well, they crossed the line with me there. When most of my posts are about my daughter, and about what I'm going through, and what I'm doing to help others, you don't get to call it or them shit. That is degrading to what I'm doing, to other parents, and to my child. If you don't like what I post, delete me. Maybe I take things to personally, but seriously?

I need my computer/Internet outlets for a lot of what I'm going through. I need to just vent sometimes, to tell how much I miss my sweet baby, to remind everyone that I still need to be checked on sometimes. I am very loyal to my friends and to those who need me, but when you slap me in the face, I don't forget. I have had a lot of people let me down lately, and all I ever want from anyone is for them to be honest with me. I feel like I've been lied to, and that upsets me. If you can't be honest with me, then don't talk to me.

Everything that I do, I try to do with the outcome in mind. When it comes to bereavement services, and all of the things I have set as goals to help parents walking down this similar path, my number one goal is to help others in their healing process. At the same time, it is helpful for me to have something to work on, something tangible to have to do. It is therapeutic.

I dont' want people to think of me as a selfish brat, because I'm not. Sometimes, I may come across as pushy or a little overbearing, but I honestly don't realize it, and I honestly don't mean anything by it. I get overly excited about the projects I am working on. I thought that was a good thing?

I don't understand how things blew up the way they did with someone, but I am beginning to feel like it is beyond repair. Some really hurtful things were said, and I am not sure that we will ever understand one another. I hope that person, wherever they may be, knows and understands that I do hope that he/she finds what they are looking for and that healing may happen. I just guess we are too different to get along.

I want everyone to know that I am entering a time that gets harder to get through each day without tears again... I have cried every day for about 2 weeks now. Not during the day in class, or with others, but at night, in the shower, in the car... the next month will be the hardest month since this time last year. I know that I have come a long way, but I stll have a long long way to go.

For those who continue to stand by me each and every day, regardless of how I am feeling, how I am acting, or what I am saying, thank you. For those who continue to love Kylie, miss her, and think of her as I do, thank you. For those who are holding my hand down this path because you, too, understand the loss of a child, thank you. I know that we don't thank people as much as we should, and if it weren't for you guys, I wouldn't be able to do what I need to do. I will say that I am going to continue to need you in the days, weeks, and even months ahead.

As a side note- Chris and I have begun the very emotionally draining process that is fertility treatments. My body has decided to do everything BUT cooperate naturally, so after struggling with my cycles since April 25, having to use Provera to restart my cycles twice, it has brought about the need for Clomid. The last time I took Clomid was September 2008, which was the last month of fertility treatments before "giving up," and of course, we know the little miracle that came to us 7 months later. We need lots of prayers going up right now for us and hte journey that we have decided to travel yet again. I took my Clomid earlier this month, so we are waiting on things to happen now.

Sorry to blab, jsut needed to get that off my chest.