Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Our big girl!

Our big girl!
Growing so fast!

Kylie 1 day old

Kylie 1 day old
Curling up

Bryleigh Addison

Bryleigh Addison
Our youngest miracle


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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Been awhile...

So many things have gone on lately that it has been difficult to find time to write.

Last weekend, on Friday, Feb 18 to be exact, on my nephew's second birthday, my daddy suffered a mild heart attack and had a stint put in the LAD artery of his heart to correct a 99% blockage. It was a very scary situation that was definitely unexpected. My daddy is so important to me, and it was a very difficult thing. However, I didn't really cry or have a moment, because there was no time, and with my mom handling everything with Dad, I had to run things around here. You can't take control and run things if you're a blubbering mess. Now that isn't to say I wasn't extremely upset or scared out of my mind... but as the oldest, I felt it necessary to take control. When I got the call, I was at a fundraiser event at Spoiled Rockin Kidz Salon for Beiber Fever night.

Saturday, when dad had his procedure, we had our Thirty-One party, and then Sunday afternoon was Nicholas's birthday party. My grandmother came up from out of town, and so my mom wanted us to keep everything as normal as possible. Daddy was transferred Saturday at lunch from Crestwood to Huntsville, so it was a frazzled weekend. Daddy came home on Monday, and we were able to come have dinner with him. It was such a relief to have him home!

Thursday, my dad's older brother had a heart cath done. He's been very sick since he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure in July of last year. The doctors have sent him to every specialist known to man, and they finally realized he was sooooo terribly sick, that they did a heart cath. Lo and behold, they find three blockages in two arteries: 2 in the LAD where my dad's were, 1 in the opposite artery. These blockages weren't 99%, but were in the 70s and 80s. They are treating it with medicine. He was so anemic they had to give him three units of blood. He felt much better after, so we are hoping this is the start of getting some good fixes for him as well.

We're still in our fundraising pushes for the March for Babies, but I doubt I will raise as much as last year due to the sheer fact of the things that have been going on.

I saw my new fertility specialist, Dr. Harper, on Thursday, and I go in Tuesday for my first Ultrasound and bloodwork. I'm excited about the opportunity to work with such a knowledgeable doctor. We've got a good plan in place, so hopefully, good things will happen.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

16 months in Heaven

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

Today it has been sixteen long, agonizingly painful months since I last held you in my arms. It has been so hard for me to comprehend that so much time has passed. In two short months, we will be at a year and a half... and then after that... it will soon be two years since you blessed my life in more ways than I could ever count. This terrifies me. It fills me with fear and dread, and it makes it seem so much more real than I ever realized.

Your daddy and I want desperately to have another baby sister or brother for you and Jaycee. Jaycee is so ready to have a baby to help love and care for, and we are both wanting to include another baby in our home. You will NEVER be replaced, but we do want a big family so that you have even more support and love, and because we want to be parents. We love our roles as Mommy and Daddy; there is not a job in the world more rewarding and wonderful. We would give anything to have you here with us, but we realize that that can't happen. I guess it sounds a little selfish to want more children, but we really do wish to have more children.

We're very nervous about our appointment next week. Please help us be calm, strong, and able to listen without emotions, reservation, or anger. Please allow the doctor to listen to us and understand our positions as well. I am truly grateful for all you have done for us and all you continue to do for us. Please just be with us so we can be strong. It's a lot of emotions and feelings ...

We want so desperately to bring honor and respect and good deeds to your name. Your name is your legacy, and your legacy is your mark on the world. I want your footprint to be larger than anyone ever imagined, larger than even I imagined it to be in your lifetime that I had wanted to last for 80-100 years, not 2 weeks. I want others to know you by name, know what you mean to the world, and know how you have helped others. I want everyone to know that you have a purpose and that your life, however short it was, is just as important as anyone else's.

Yesterday, I took you your Valentine's Day balloon, and I just crumbled. I sat for ten minutes with my head on your headstone, sobbing... the release felt good, but it just hit me that I shouldn't even have to be there, that this should not be my life. It isn't fair that you didn't get a chance to live, to see your home, to have a bath, to have your nails clipped. It isn't fair that you didn't get a chance to ride in my car, or to sit in a carseat, or to swing or bounce. It isn't fair that you didn't get to meet your sister, that you didn't get to try real food, that you didn't get a chance to go to school. It isn't fair that you didn't get to attend Kindergarten... middle school... high school... or college. It isn't fair that you didn't get to attend an Auburn football game, that you didn't get to buy a prom dress, that you didn't get to put on a pair of ballet shoes. It isn't fair that you didn't get to walk across a stage, or walk down an aisle, or become a mother yourself. None if it makes sense, and none of it seems fair. I felt so badly for you at that moment, that all of those things I got to do and took for granted, you will not. You won't get a new car, you won't get a boyfriend, your first kiss. Those things seem so silly to be upset over, but that is LIFE, and life is something you don't have anymore. Yes, you have eternity, but you didn't get the earthly experiences that we all have come to expect. You didn't get to live life with us, and I didn't get to teach you anything.

I know I sound like a broken record, but all the time, I think of you and the life you didn't get and how we were all robbed of the chance to know you. How in the world do I go on knowing that each day I move forward is one day further away from you, your life, and your face? How do I continue knowing that your life is forgotten by some, and that it is one day closer to the day when people are going to tell me to stop talking about you? How do I keep going when I know there are those out there who truly do not understand this pain, and instead of feeling for me, they attack me and belittle me?

Kylie, I am trying so desperately to be strong for you, so desperately to make your life meaningful in all the ways I know how. That is why we walk for the March of Dimes. That is why we are making your fund at the hospital. That is why we want to help other parents. We do it for you and because we know how much help and guidance and advice we need, and we know others will need it as well.

I hope that I am making you proud. I want to do all things for you. I love you so much, my little angel. You are my whole heart and soul, and I love you and miss you deeply. You are everything to me.

Happy angelversary, sweet girl. Be sweet.

Love always and forever,

Your Mommy

Monday, February 14, 2011

Desperately wanting a new beginning

I have had a lot of decisions to make lately regarding my health, my care, my doctors, and my fertility. Unfortunately, my fertility issues are more than my OB/GYN can treat. I kind of saw this coming, but I had a promising rise in my progesterone from October to November, so that gave me hope. After all, I did get pregnant with Kylie with absolutely no fertility treatments!

Today, I got a phone call from Dr. Harper's office telling me my appointment on April 21 could be moved up to NEXT WEEK. Of course, I jumped on the opportunity! I started my period on Saturday, so it really made me feel good that I would be in there before my next cycle and I would know what was going on immediately. I am very anxious to have an ultrasound done, as I haven't had one since June. It will be interesting to see what my ovaries look like right now.

I  have had mixed opinions given to me considering Dr. Harper, but after all that I have been through, I think I can handle this. I have really taken control of my destiny, so to speak. I don't take no for an answer, and I will be heard by ALL of my doctors and medical professionals. I will be asking lots of questions and I will not be satisfied easily. I know this is ridiculous sounding to some, but when you have been through what I have, you really do have to be this way. I am not going to let any more doctors ruin my life because they have decided not to listen to me and to listen to what I have to say.

I know my body so well, and I know what's going on in there better than most doctors. I know when I am going to start, I know when I am ovulating... I know when my ovaries are fighting with cysts. I know it all. I feel it all, and it is NOT fun.

I am also wanting to make sure that Dr. Harper knows that what happened with Kylie was due to lack of care on the part of the doctor, not by negligence on my behalf or my problems, so to speak. If Dr. Conrad had put me in the hospital immediately when he found my very low amniotic fluid, we might not be in this situation. If Dr. Conrad had done an ultrasound earlier, or if he would have changed my medicine much sooner, we might not have been here. It is just ridiculous to me that a doctor would let his patient have uncontrolled high blood pressure, despite coming into the office numerous times a week, and NOT do anything about it. I do blame him for that.

So, I am having some mixed emotions, but I am looking forward to a new beginning. I think I need a new start, a new place to be. I need to be somewhere that is easy to get to from here, and somewhere that will be flexible with my work schedule. I don't have the days nor the money to go back and forth from Birmingham all the time. I am just now about to start earning back sick leave days. I used all of mine plus 15 from the sick leave bank when I was out with Kylie. However, that couldn't be helped, and I needed that time to heal.

I am doing much better these days, but I am so, so sad that I don't have Kylie with me. I shouldn't even be going through this right now. If KYlie was here, I wouldn't be worried about fertility treatments and getting pregnant. I have lost so much already... I'm afraid of it happening again. And if I was 100 lbs, I'd STILL Be worried about it happening again. That's just the nature of the beast.

I want to thank all of you for your well-wishes and positive feelings. I am so thankful that so many of you have encouraged my visit to Dr. Harper, and I am so glad that you guys are supporting me in my endeavors to have another child. It is hard enough with everything that has happened in the past 16 months, and I just feel strongly that this path is what I need. I have so much fertility medication waiting on me (just GIVEN to me- wow!), and I hope to use it before it expires.

Thanks to my friends and family for being so supportive. I am so lucky to have you guys.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Heavy on my mind

I've always tried to be a person that was always there for others. I've tried giving my whole heart and soul to my friendships, my family, and just others in general. In giving of myself to others, I often neglect my own needs, emotions, feelings, etc. I've always let myself be treated as a doormat- a place for people to keep coming back to over and over. No matter what, I would forgive them, make amends, and go right back to where we left off. In many cases, it has just made me more hurt, damaged, and broken.

On January 27, someone VERY close to me chose a very weak, broken moment on my part to stick a knife in my heart and dig very, very deep. Since that day, that post and those words are stuck in my head, rotating around, migrating around, and festering inside. The defamation, the lack of concern, the lack of tact... the lack of any remote idea of friendship... it all has really caught up to me, and I have to tell you, I guess the anonymous poster succeeded in what they were trying to do.

They have put a seed of doubt in my mind, a seed of doubt in my heart. Now, I look around me and say: "Who can I trust?" I'm not sure anymore. This isn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings, but I think you can understand when you've had someone so horribly and humiliatingly degrade you in such a public way... well, it's just too difficult to put into words how I feel.

This person, whoever they are, is close enough to me to know my friends and family. They are close enough to know my deepest fears, regrets, and faults. They are close enough to know how guilty I already felt over the loss of Kylie. They are close enough to know things that others have said/done to me. They are close enough to know ME and my heart, and they knew exactly where to stick the knives so it would hurt the most.

And it has worked. I'm so afraid to trust. So afraid to open up like I once did. In a place that was my way of healing and dealing, someone has turned my entire world, entire heart, and entire mind... upside down. This person has broken me in more ways than I thought imagineable.

To know that someone actually thinks it is my fault that Kylie died... I think that is the worst part of it. A mother who has lost her baby already has so much blame. Every day, I think: "What more could I have done?" "What did I miss?" "What could have been done differently?". This person obviously read my comment about writing a letter to my doctor, as they mentioned I didn't need to blame my doctor. This person feels that it is honestly my fault for not having Kylie with me. How could someone be so heartless? How could someone be so cold? AND to be anonymous on top of that... how could someone be so full of hate that they would kill what was left of my soul?

Another thing that truly bothers me is the fact that she had the nerve to say I wasn't a mother to Jaycee, yet Chris was a good father-figure for her, so she didn't know why I even had her here. I love Jaycee with all of my heart, and I couldn't love her more if I had given birth to her myself. Every day, I take Jaycee to school, and we talk and sing together. Every night, I put Jaycee to bed, and she clings to my arms... Mommy, stay with me and watch TB (tv)... Every day, I am welcomed by her sweet hugs and priceless kisses, and I thank God and everyone else for this reason to live. If it weren't for Jaycee, I would not be here. Losing Kylie would have killed me, because I would have had nothing else to live for. Jaycee gives me reasons to keep putting one foot in front of the other. She is truly a very, very special girl.

Right now, I am at a loss for words to describe how broken I am from what anonymous has done to me. I want anonymous to be the "true friend" they say they are trying to be by stepping up and being honest with me. I saw something someone posted: "Would you rather your friends tell you what you want to hear, or be brutally honest whether or not it hurts your feelings?" I would definitely rather my friends be honest with me, but I want them to be honest with me to my FACE. Not anonymously on a blog that attacks, breaks, and demeans. IF you are anonymous or know who anonymous is, why don't you step up and be the friend you said you were trying to be? Come to ME, tell ME how you feel about me and why. We can talk about it. We can hash it out. I want to know who you are so that I can know why you feel that way and what made you feel that way. I want to know so that I don't have to lose sleep every single night, so I don't get sick to my stomach every time I post something, so I don't lose my mind with worry, heart break, and agony. Tell me who you are, please, so this can end now. You get to feel "better" by getting all that off your chest, and apparently, you don't really care about me at all.

I wish this would all go away... i wish it never would have happened. I just wish that things were not so complicated...

Saturday, February 5, 2011

March of Dimes and March for Babies 2011: Fundraising is ON!

I am in full March for Babies mode for our March of Dimes fundraisers. Wow- you would not BELIEVE all the heck I'm going through to get this stuff planned! I thought that it would be easier this year, but of course, I had to add something HUGE to our fundraising, so now I'm just in over my head =). However, it is for an amazing, wonderful cause, and I would not want to be doing anything else at this time of the year. I love my sweet Kylie and Gavin so much, so I know that this is important to do for THEM.

This year, we are doing all kinds of things. We are, this weekend, getting out collection bins to our local places from last year: El Paso, Hank's store, Cuts By Us... etc. =) We are THRILLED that more businesses will be allowing us to place collection bins. And this year, there are two gorgeous babies on our collection bins. =) All for you, Kylie and Gavin. All for you!

We are also still holding our business sponsorships to be included on the back of our shirts. Business sponsors were great last year!

We are soliciting through Facebook, email, word of mouth, etc, which is great, but we really have to get out and visit more in person this year. It's hard to do with a 3-year-old and limited time, but we'll get it done somehow. =) We always do.

February 19 is our Thirty-One Fundraiser at 5:00 PM at the daycare. I am so excited; our goal is a $3,000 party this year. We did a little over $2,000 last year, with JUST me as the hostess! Now that Jessica and I are working together, I KNOW we can do over that. =) If you want to order something, you can order online and have it shipped straight to you! For every $31 you spend, you get 31% off!!!! You can also order through me or Jessica; we each have catalogs! We will be feeding you if you attend!

March 19 is our Family Fun Day community event. This is free to the public and will be a donation-only event. Food will cost, and there will be a tip jar for the face painting (that paint gets expensive!). Also, there will be a silent auction with some AMAZING items to bid on: Premiere jewelry gift certificate, photography sessions, Mary Kay baskets, Scentsy baskets, $70 (2 seats) gift certificate to My Spirited ARt, a free face painting party session, etc. There will be hopefully demonstrations by some kids taking Taekwondo, and by Jessica's Dance Company. Carnival games will be held by different businesses, and there will be a cake walk as well!

If you know of a business who would like to donate $50 to set up a booth that advertises their business, while running a carnival game for kids with small prizes (like candy), please get them in contact with me ( or (256) 690-7604). Also, if you know of someone who can donate an item for the silent auction, we would like that too! We are looking for a "big ticket" item for a raffle to sell tickets for $1.00.

All proceeds go to our team. =)

March 8, 2011, we will have a fundraising event at Pizza Inn in Ardmore. We will be working for tips that night, and all of that money goes to our team, as well! This will be from 5 to 8 PM, so plan to come out and have dinner to support a good cause! They have a GREAT buffet!

And as always, we take just plain old personal donations, too. I am really anxious to surpass our $8,049 total from last year.

If you want, you can visit our team page: .

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Sixteen months

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

Today marks sixteen months since your birth. At this very moment, I was getting very anxious to see you; I had already seen you once, and I was so desperate for rest time to be over so I could get to you again. You, my princess, were all that mattered to me. I wanted to see you and be in awe of your tiny little body and the miracle that you represented...

Sixteen months ago today, you became the sweetest gift I have ever been given. Though you were early, tiny, and unstable... your life was priceless to me and I knew I would do and give anything for you. You looked so much like your daddy, and I was just amazed by how lucky we were to have such a beautiful, precious baby girl like you. Your name fit you perfectly. You became Kylie Brielle Keith. All those years of wondering if I would be able to have a baby, wondering if I would ever be a mother to a child of my own blood... all those years of uncertainty were temporarily erased from my memory. There was you, your daddy, and me... and Jaycee, of course... but you guys were all I needed.

I could never tell you enough how much I admire your strength and your will. I'd like to say you got some of your powerful desire to fight from me... but a big pang in my heart tells me it's your daddy's hard-headed nature that you had. =) I'd like to say that you were laid back like me, and I think that is true. Very little upset you in the NICU- a shot made me cry, and you didn't even flinch. So laid back... And of course, you had some of the sweetest facial expressions. When you raised your eyebrows, your daddy's face was undeniable!

With all that said, it is hard for me to sit here at 16 months and not wonder what you would be doing now, who you would look like, who you would act like. It is hard to imagine that you would possibly be walking... that you could be mobile and starting to chatter and talk. It's hard to imagine how different life would be with you here, and how much our lives would be improved by just a smile from you every day. I often wonder if you would have my love for learning, if you would have been creative... I have always wondered if you would have been a singer, a teacher, an actress... I know that whatever you chose, you would have been the best at it, because of course, you are amazing.

I know that sometimes I am down on myself, and sometimes I am angry with God, with my doctor, with myself... but none of that changes how much I love you and how much I miss you. I am NEVER angry with you. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You, little one, are perfect. Sometimes, the emotions and feelings of sadness I have are overwhelming, and I just ache for you so badly. The what if's get to be too much sometimes... and nothing will ever take away this deep, stabbing pain of having to live my life without my first-born child. I will never be upset with you or at you; I will always have a tad bit of guilt myself. I know that it's not my fault, but I wouldn't be very motherly if I didn't have that feeling.

On Friday, you gained your very first pet in Heaven. Murphy is the best dog in the world; she will protect you, love you, and adore you. She gives the best doggie kisses, and she loves to have her butt scratched. Make sure you keep her fresh on sitting, shaking, and high-fiving. Also, don't let her get into the trash (she makes a big mess). Please tell her that Mommy loves her oh-so-much, and that I miss her deeply. Take good care of her, and give her lots of treats. I know you two will take good care of each other.

Baby girl, there are so many things I want to say to you, teach you, and do with you. I am so sorry that things did not work out the way I wanted them to; I tried so hard to save you.

I hope that your birthday in Heaven was beautiful, sunny, and care-free. I hope you know how much I love you and miss you, and that I adore everything about you. You are my heart, princess.

Happy, happy birthday, Kylie Brielle.

Love forever,