Sixteen months

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

Today marks sixteen months since your birth. At this very moment, I was getting very anxious to see you; I had already seen you once, and I was so desperate for rest time to be over so I could get to you again. You, my princess, were all that mattered to me. I wanted to see you and be in awe of your tiny little body and the miracle that you represented...

Sixteen months ago today, you became the sweetest gift I have ever been given. Though you were early, tiny, and unstable... your life was priceless to me and I knew I would do and give anything for you. You looked so much like your daddy, and I was just amazed by how lucky we were to have such a beautiful, precious baby girl like you. Your name fit you perfectly. You became Kylie Brielle Keith. All those years of wondering if I would be able to have a baby, wondering if I would ever be a mother to a child of my own blood... all those years of uncertainty were temporarily erased from my memory. There was you, your daddy, and me... and Jaycee, of course... but you guys were all I needed.

I could never tell you enough how much I admire your strength and your will. I'd like to say you got some of your powerful desire to fight from me... but a big pang in my heart tells me it's your daddy's hard-headed nature that you had. =) I'd like to say that you were laid back like me, and I think that is true. Very little upset you in the NICU- a shot made me cry, and you didn't even flinch. So laid back... And of course, you had some of the sweetest facial expressions. When you raised your eyebrows, your daddy's face was undeniable!

With all that said, it is hard for me to sit here at 16 months and not wonder what you would be doing now, who you would look like, who you would act like. It is hard to imagine that you would possibly be walking... that you could be mobile and starting to chatter and talk. It's hard to imagine how different life would be with you here, and how much our lives would be improved by just a smile from you every day. I often wonder if you would have my love for learning, if you would have been creative... I have always wondered if you would have been a singer, a teacher, an actress... I know that whatever you chose, you would have been the best at it, because of course, you are amazing.

I know that sometimes I am down on myself, and sometimes I am angry with God, with my doctor, with myself... but none of that changes how much I love you and how much I miss you. I am NEVER angry with you. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You, little one, are perfect. Sometimes, the emotions and feelings of sadness I have are overwhelming, and I just ache for you so badly. The what if's get to be too much sometimes... and nothing will ever take away this deep, stabbing pain of having to live my life without my first-born child. I will never be upset with you or at you; I will always have a tad bit of guilt myself. I know that it's not my fault, but I wouldn't be very motherly if I didn't have that feeling.

On Friday, you gained your very first pet in Heaven. Murphy is the best dog in the world; she will protect you, love you, and adore you. She gives the best doggie kisses, and she loves to have her butt scratched. Make sure you keep her fresh on sitting, shaking, and high-fiving. Also, don't let her get into the trash (she makes a big mess). Please tell her that Mommy loves her oh-so-much, and that I miss her deeply. Take good care of her, and give her lots of treats. I know you two will take good care of each other.

Baby girl, there are so many things I want to say to you, teach you, and do with you. I am so sorry that things did not work out the way I wanted them to; I tried so hard to save you.

I hope that your birthday in Heaven was beautiful, sunny, and care-free. I hope you know how much I love you and miss you, and that I adore everything about you. You are my heart, princess.

Happy, happy birthday, Kylie Brielle.

Love forever,

Mommy