Heavy on my mind

I've always tried to be a person that was always there for others. I've tried giving my whole heart and soul to my friendships, my family, and just others in general. In giving of myself to others, I often neglect my own needs, emotions, feelings, etc. I've always let myself be treated as a doormat- a place for people to keep coming back to over and over. No matter what, I would forgive them, make amends, and go right back to where we left off. In many cases, it has just made me more hurt, damaged, and broken.

On January 27, someone VERY close to me chose a very weak, broken moment on my part to stick a knife in my heart and dig very, very deep. Since that day, that post and those words are stuck in my head, rotating around, migrating around, and festering inside. The defamation, the lack of concern, the lack of tact... the lack of any remote idea of friendship... it all has really caught up to me, and I have to tell you, I guess the anonymous poster succeeded in what they were trying to do.

They have put a seed of doubt in my mind, a seed of doubt in my heart. Now, I look around me and say: "Who can I trust?" I'm not sure anymore. This isn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings, but I think you can understand when you've had someone so horribly and humiliatingly degrade you in such a public way... well, it's just too difficult to put into words how I feel.

This person, whoever they are, is close enough to me to know my friends and family. They are close enough to know my deepest fears, regrets, and faults. They are close enough to know how guilty I already felt over the loss of Kylie. They are close enough to know things that others have said/done to me. They are close enough to know ME and my heart, and they knew exactly where to stick the knives so it would hurt the most.

And it has worked. I'm so afraid to trust. So afraid to open up like I once did. In a place that was my way of healing and dealing, someone has turned my entire world, entire heart, and entire mind... upside down. This person has broken me in more ways than I thought imagineable.

To know that someone actually thinks it is my fault that Kylie died... I think that is the worst part of it. A mother who has lost her baby already has so much blame. Every day, I think: "What more could I have done?" "What did I miss?" "What could have been done differently?". This person obviously read my comment about writing a letter to my doctor, as they mentioned I didn't need to blame my doctor. This person feels that it is honestly my fault for not having Kylie with me. How could someone be so heartless? How could someone be so cold? AND to be anonymous on top of that... how could someone be so full of hate that they would kill what was left of my soul?

Another thing that truly bothers me is the fact that she had the nerve to say I wasn't a mother to Jaycee, yet Chris was a good father-figure for her, so she didn't know why I even had her here. I love Jaycee with all of my heart, and I couldn't love her more if I had given birth to her myself. Every day, I take Jaycee to school, and we talk and sing together. Every night, I put Jaycee to bed, and she clings to my arms... Mommy, stay with me and watch TB (tv)... Every day, I am welcomed by her sweet hugs and priceless kisses, and I thank God and everyone else for this reason to live. If it weren't for Jaycee, I would not be here. Losing Kylie would have killed me, because I would have had nothing else to live for. Jaycee gives me reasons to keep putting one foot in front of the other. She is truly a very, very special girl.

Right now, I am at a loss for words to describe how broken I am from what anonymous has done to me. I want anonymous to be the "true friend" they say they are trying to be by stepping up and being honest with me. I saw something someone posted: "Would you rather your friends tell you what you want to hear, or be brutally honest whether or not it hurts your feelings?" I would definitely rather my friends be honest with me, but I want them to be honest with me to my FACE. Not anonymously on a blog that attacks, breaks, and demeans. IF you are anonymous or know who anonymous is, why don't you step up and be the friend you said you were trying to be? Come to ME, tell ME how you feel about me and why. We can talk about it. We can hash it out. I want to know who you are so that I can know why you feel that way and what made you feel that way. I want to know so that I don't have to lose sleep every single night, so I don't get sick to my stomach every time I post something, so I don't lose my mind with worry, heart break, and agony. Tell me who you are, please, so this can end now. You get to feel "better" by getting all that off your chest, and apparently, you don't really care about me at all.

I wish this would all go away... i wish it never would have happened. I just wish that things were not so complicated...