16 months in Heaven

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

Today it has been sixteen long, agonizingly painful months since I last held you in my arms. It has been so hard for me to comprehend that so much time has passed. In two short months, we will be at a year and a half... and then after that... it will soon be two years since you blessed my life in more ways than I could ever count. This terrifies me. It fills me with fear and dread, and it makes it seem so much more real than I ever realized.

Your daddy and I want desperately to have another baby sister or brother for you and Jaycee. Jaycee is so ready to have a baby to help love and care for, and we are both wanting to include another baby in our home. You will NEVER be replaced, but we do want a big family so that you have even more support and love, and because we want to be parents. We love our roles as Mommy and Daddy; there is not a job in the world more rewarding and wonderful. We would give anything to have you here with us, but we realize that that can't happen. I guess it sounds a little selfish to want more children, but we really do wish to have more children.

We're very nervous about our appointment next week. Please help us be calm, strong, and able to listen without emotions, reservation, or anger. Please allow the doctor to listen to us and understand our positions as well. I am truly grateful for all you have done for us and all you continue to do for us. Please just be with us so we can be strong. It's a lot of emotions and feelings ...

We want so desperately to bring honor and respect and good deeds to your name. Your name is your legacy, and your legacy is your mark on the world. I want your footprint to be larger than anyone ever imagined, larger than even I imagined it to be in your lifetime that I had wanted to last for 80-100 years, not 2 weeks. I want others to know you by name, know what you mean to the world, and know how you have helped others. I want everyone to know that you have a purpose and that your life, however short it was, is just as important as anyone else's.

Yesterday, I took you your Valentine's Day balloon, and I just crumbled. I sat for ten minutes with my head on your headstone, sobbing... the release felt good, but it just hit me that I shouldn't even have to be there, that this should not be my life. It isn't fair that you didn't get a chance to live, to see your home, to have a bath, to have your nails clipped. It isn't fair that you didn't get a chance to ride in my car, or to sit in a carseat, or to swing or bounce. It isn't fair that you didn't get to meet your sister, that you didn't get to try real food, that you didn't get a chance to go to school. It isn't fair that you didn't get to attend Kindergarten... middle school... high school... or college. It isn't fair that you didn't get to attend an Auburn football game, that you didn't get to buy a prom dress, that you didn't get to put on a pair of ballet shoes. It isn't fair that you didn't get to walk across a stage, or walk down an aisle, or become a mother yourself. None if it makes sense, and none of it seems fair. I felt so badly for you at that moment, that all of those things I got to do and took for granted, you will not. You won't get a new car, you won't get a boyfriend, your first kiss. Those things seem so silly to be upset over, but that is LIFE, and life is something you don't have anymore. Yes, you have eternity, but you didn't get the earthly experiences that we all have come to expect. You didn't get to live life with us, and I didn't get to teach you anything.

I know I sound like a broken record, but all the time, I think of you and the life you didn't get and how we were all robbed of the chance to know you. How in the world do I go on knowing that each day I move forward is one day further away from you, your life, and your face? How do I continue knowing that your life is forgotten by some, and that it is one day closer to the day when people are going to tell me to stop talking about you? How do I keep going when I know there are those out there who truly do not understand this pain, and instead of feeling for me, they attack me and belittle me?

Kylie, I am trying so desperately to be strong for you, so desperately to make your life meaningful in all the ways I know how. That is why we walk for the March of Dimes. That is why we are making your fund at the hospital. That is why we want to help other parents. We do it for you and because we know how much help and guidance and advice we need, and we know others will need it as well.

I hope that I am making you proud. I want to do all things for you. I love you so much, my little angel. You are my whole heart and soul, and I love you and miss you deeply. You are everything to me.

Happy angelversary, sweet girl. Be sweet.

Love always and forever,

Your Mommy