Desperately wanting a new beginning

I have had a lot of decisions to make lately regarding my health, my care, my doctors, and my fertility. Unfortunately, my fertility issues are more than my OB/GYN can treat. I kind of saw this coming, but I had a promising rise in my progesterone from October to November, so that gave me hope. After all, I did get pregnant with Kylie with absolutely no fertility treatments!

Today, I got a phone call from Dr. Harper's office telling me my appointment on April 21 could be moved up to NEXT WEEK. Of course, I jumped on the opportunity! I started my period on Saturday, so it really made me feel good that I would be in there before my next cycle and I would know what was going on immediately. I am very anxious to have an ultrasound done, as I haven't had one since June. It will be interesting to see what my ovaries look like right now.

I  have had mixed opinions given to me considering Dr. Harper, but after all that I have been through, I think I can handle this. I have really taken control of my destiny, so to speak. I don't take no for an answer, and I will be heard by ALL of my doctors and medical professionals. I will be asking lots of questions and I will not be satisfied easily. I know this is ridiculous sounding to some, but when you have been through what I have, you really do have to be this way. I am not going to let any more doctors ruin my life because they have decided not to listen to me and to listen to what I have to say.

I know my body so well, and I know what's going on in there better than most doctors. I know when I am going to start, I know when I am ovulating... I know when my ovaries are fighting with cysts. I know it all. I feel it all, and it is NOT fun.

I am also wanting to make sure that Dr. Harper knows that what happened with Kylie was due to lack of care on the part of the doctor, not by negligence on my behalf or my problems, so to speak. If Dr. Conrad had put me in the hospital immediately when he found my very low amniotic fluid, we might not be in this situation. If Dr. Conrad had done an ultrasound earlier, or if he would have changed my medicine much sooner, we might not have been here. It is just ridiculous to me that a doctor would let his patient have uncontrolled high blood pressure, despite coming into the office numerous times a week, and NOT do anything about it. I do blame him for that.

So, I am having some mixed emotions, but I am looking forward to a new beginning. I think I need a new start, a new place to be. I need to be somewhere that is easy to get to from here, and somewhere that will be flexible with my work schedule. I don't have the days nor the money to go back and forth from Birmingham all the time. I am just now about to start earning back sick leave days. I used all of mine plus 15 from the sick leave bank when I was out with Kylie. However, that couldn't be helped, and I needed that time to heal.

I am doing much better these days, but I am so, so sad that I don't have Kylie with me. I shouldn't even be going through this right now. If KYlie was here, I wouldn't be worried about fertility treatments and getting pregnant. I have lost so much already... I'm afraid of it happening again. And if I was 100 lbs, I'd STILL Be worried about it happening again. That's just the nature of the beast.

I want to thank all of you for your well-wishes and positive feelings. I am so thankful that so many of you have encouraged my visit to Dr. Harper, and I am so glad that you guys are supporting me in my endeavors to have another child. It is hard enough with everything that has happened in the past 16 months, and I just feel strongly that this path is what I need. I have so much fertility medication waiting on me (just GIVEN to me- wow!), and I hope to use it before it expires.

Thanks to my friends and family for being so supportive. I am so lucky to have you guys.