A Conglomeration...

So much is going through my mind right now that I'm not sure where to begin, where this will go, or where or when it will end. All I know is I am so, so super emotional. I think that is partly to do with the clomid, since it makes you a nutcase and hormonal. Well, the rest is self-explanatory.

I have not yet addressed the issue of the anonymous poster that has gotten me to this point in my FB and blogging situations. Due to the fact that the anonymous poster made it clear that she has a lot of ill feelings toward me, and due to the fact that she made it clear that she is very close to my family and friends, I feel the need to respond now. I have had several days to stew over this information, and I have some things to get off my chest.

First of all, you, anonymous poster, are a coward, a bully, and an overall heartless person. You want to blast me publicly, while spelling incorrectly and getting your facts all wrong and mixed up, and sharing personal information that not everyone knew. Thanks to you, I know that I am a much better person than that. I don't go "anonymously" on a "friend's" blog and blast them and say hateful, rude, distasteful things.

I don't care about attention for me. You know who I want attention for? KYLIE. I want KYLIE to be remembered by everyone. I want Kylie to have a positive impact on every single person I can possibly contact. Seems like you're a little jealous of the attention that Kylie gets. What a sick person that makes you.

Second of all, if my doctors felt that my weight was the issue, they would not be prescribing me medicine and helping me to achieve pregnancy. Thank you, I conceived Kylie all on my own without the help of fertility drugs. I have a condition called PCOS that causes my body to over-produce insulin, which creates excess body fat. It is a difficult condition to control, and a difficult condition to treat. Doctors are still trying to find the best diets, medicines, and treatments for this condition. Losing Kylie had nothing to do with my weight, and it had nothing to do with me. My placenta did not form completely, due to the insulin resistance that was created by my condition. Kylie also died because my OB/GYN did NOT give me the care I deserved and did not listen to the warning signs a specialist would have found. I know what I can and can't do, so I don't need you to pretend you have a medical degree to "diagnose" me.

And of course, no one appointed you speaker of all, because my friends and family (my REAL friends) can speak for themselves. And I will be DAMNED if I will let you think I am not a mother to Jaycee. Jaycee has two mommies and one daddy, and it works for us. I don't always call myself her mommy, and I don't have to. Jaycee knows how much I love her and how much my every day life revolves around her. No one who sees me with Jaycee can say that I don't love her or treat her like she's my own. She is such a big part of our lives, and Chris and I parent equally. If it weren't for Jaycee, I would not have made it through the past 16 months.

As for my teaching... well, let's just say that it is none of your damn business. I do my job, and I have a good repor with my students. I do not ever post blogs while teaching. I do it before school or after I am done with kids. I am done with kids at 1:45 each day, so it's not really up to you to tell me when or where I post. You don't know me and my teaching abilities.

I know what you tried to do. You tried to plant seeds of doubt in my mind. You wanted me to doubt myself, my family, my friends, my children. You wanted me to doubt my ability to teach, my ability to do positive things, and my ability to be a friend and a mommy. You tried to tear me down just to make yourself feel better. Well, I hope that you are happy. I think you achieved the opposite of what you wanted. My true friends and family rallied around me, and it has made me a stronger person.

I just wish you would come out of hiding and tell me who you are so I can officially write you out of my life forever. I won't argue with you, I won't fight you, I won't do anything. I will just be done, because you are not a true friend. The truth WILL come out. It will.

I know where I stand, and I am a mommy, a teacher, a friend, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a writer, an advocate. I am important as a person.

So what if I am still grieving? The experts say real, heavy grief can last anywhere from 18-24 months. I am not even to 16 months yet, so it's okay for me to be sad when I want, negative when I want, and depressed when I want. It is normal.

Seems like I am having some success with my body cooperating this month, and I go for progesterone check on Monday of next week. I am anxious to see what my numbers look like, as it has been since December since I had my numbers checked last. I hope the medicine is doing the trick, because it surely had me in some pain this weekend.

So, to my true friends and family, thank you for standing by me no matter what. Thank you for defending me, and thank you for standing up for me. Thank you for loving me and for not being a heartless person. Thank you for being you.

To my Kylie: I love you more than any words can say. You are so beautiful that you make people jealous of you, and I think that's pretty special! I miss you sweet angel!

To my Jaycee: You have brought me so much joy and happiness since we first brought you home. You make me smile every single day, and I am forever grateful for that. I love you with all my heart.

To my husband: You have been such a rock for me through this huge ordeal, and your comforting words and hugs have been so important in helping me heal and deal with this I love you. I love you. I love you.

To my Murphy: You were truly the best dog in the world. You always knew how to give the best kisses, and you always knew the right way to make me feel loved. I love you and miss you so much.

To my REAL friends: You guys are truly amazing. You are my rocks, and I don't know how I would have gotten through the past 16 months without you. For friends old and new, I am thankful for your friendship and your love.

To my family: I think it goes without saying that I love you and care for you so much. Your unconditional love and support is what I desperately needed to make it this far. I have a long way to go, but your love for Kylie, me, Chris, and Jaycee will definitely get us through it. I love you.