Grief, Hope, and Happily? Ever After: 15 months....

Today, it has been fifteen long, agonizing months since I said goodbye to my first-born daughter as she grew her wings. Today, it has been fifteen months since my future crumbled in front of my eyes, and a new one began to slowly form. Today, it has been fifteen months since I watched my daughter take her last breath. Today, it has been fifteen months since I held my precious girl for the first, and last, times.

My heart is heavy with grief, though I cover it much better than I used to. I sometimes lie awake at night and wonder if it will ever get any easier to breathe without her, if it will ever get any easier to put one foot in front of the other and just make it through the day. I try to imagine a day when things are easier, better, more bearable, and that day just blurs in front of me. There is no way that this can get easier... is there?

Why this fate was chosen for me, I don't know. Why my child was taken, I'll never know. Why the world seems to be so unfair, so cruel... well isn't that what our parents tried to teach us when we were younger?

Today, we made more boxes for the NICU. At the hockey game last weekend held as a benefit for the Melissa George Neonatal Fund, and it was mentioned that they were running low on memory boxes again. So today, ironically, we met to make more boxes to donate to the NICU in your sweet honor and memory. It was so much fun to work with my close friends to make boxes we felt were sweet and innocent, and boxes that we felt parents would cherish forever. I know I cherish Kylie's box.. and it always gives me a very good feeling to know that I'm doing something for others.

I also did a few pages of Kylie's scrapbook. I've never really had the patience, time, or ability to work on scrapbooking pages very creatively. I often end up frustrated, and seem to think that my pages look AWFUL (and they normally do look pretty rough). However, I am MORE than thrilled with my pages. I put three photos and her name on the cover of her scrapbook (there was a spot for them), and then I made three full pages for her. I am so, so proud of them. I have a feeling I can actually make the prettiest, sweetest scrapbook for her... and it just really gives me something to look forward to.

Jaycee has been sick for a week now. She started off Sunday sick, and then she ended up getting better, then she got sick again. We had a quick trip to Huntsville Hospital Women's and Children's Pediatric ER yesterday, and we were stunned with how efficient, kind, and fast they were. No one in the waiting room when we arrived, no wait anywhere, and we were in and out with diagnosis, prescriptions, and a smile. Absolutely amazing. Kudos to the Pediatric ER and the staff there- wonderful experience.

So, I say all this to say, things are just difficult right now, though I am trying to put my best face on and get through the day. Grin and bear it, right? I do have happy moments, but the stresses of fertility treatments, grief, work, home life... it all is getting to me desperately. I started my period yesterday, and started clomid again today.. and if I don't get pregnant this month, I can't take clomid anymore. I will have to go on to the next steps, which is a little scary... why does everyone else get their rainbow babies, or just to be pregnant and have a baby, when I have wanted nothing more than that for my entire life?????????

This is a picture of 12 boxes we made today