Another New Chapter

A new year means a new chapter. A new chapter means a new mindset. A new chapter means new feelings, emotions, and ideas.

2011 has started a new chapter in my life, though my life, since April 30, 2009, has had many chapters... This chapter is bittersweet in several ways.

The negatives of this new chapter, are obvious of course. The negatives include getting further away from Kylie's short life, from having to live this "new normal" in the first place, and from dealing with the negativity from other people in how I choose to grieve, remember my daughter, and raise awareness. Infertility still reigns, and my broken heart is still broken.

The positives include the ability to put one foot in front of the other to make it through the day in one piece. My heart is broken, but my spirit is still somewhat intact, and with my spirit, I carry Kylie's legacy.

I know I say this a lot, but one thing I have always wanted for my children is to make an impact on the world. My goal growing up was to impact as many young people as possible through the teaching profession, and I wanted my kids to have positive impacts on others... and through Kylie's short life, she has already touched more lives than I ever imagined possible. I swell with pride when I think of the fact that her name will not soon be forgotten, that her name is LITERALLY set in stone forever and ever, and that one day, people will hopefully see her picture and say "That's the little girl who lived long after her heart stopped beating. THat's the little girl that made it possible for parents to deal with their own grief. That little girl changed MY life."

Kylie changed my life in numerous ways.. so many ways that I could not list them here in the given space. She has made me a better person, and she gave me the gift of motherhood. She is so special to me, and she is so important in my life.

Just because Kylie isn't here physically doesn't mean her spirit and memory can't continue on to my other chapters, because in all actuality, there will never be another chapter in my life without her. She is a part of me, forever, and where I go, she goes. Where I am, she is. What I do, she does. Kylie is my heart, and so my heart beats for two of us.

My new chapter isn't completely defined yet. I don't really even have an outline for it, but I do know that my life is taking on some very specific paths in honor of Kylie and all other babies lost too soon. She will mold a future for other babies and parents, and I cannot wait to see what happens this year in her name, honor, and memory.

However, I have decided that some characters are no longer a significant part of my novel. These characters have chosen to be cut out of the chapters, chosen to be left out of the ultimate story. For that, I am deeply saddened, but I am not going to lose sleep over choices that others make. These people are the ones who unfairly feel that I am selfish enough to use Kylie's life for attention. These people do not belong in my story, as they encourage me to feed off the negative. Kylie only knows innocence, love, and purity, and I will not have yet another memory tainted with the negativity of others who cannot put someone before themselves.

So today, I take charge, as much as I can, of this new chapter in my life. I take charge of the paths that I will walk down, and I start mending the fences that have fallen along the way. My novel may not be the happy story that most people like to read, but my novel has depth, love, and the struggle for all things good and pure. My novel has character, class, and heart ache. My novel has truth, pain, and raw emotion. My novel is real, true, and unforgiving. My novel is life, death, and afterlife. My novel is MY story, and My story is good enough for me.

So watch out world, because I'm jumping in with both feet. If you don't like it, move over, because I'm not swerving or stopping for you to move. You can take care of yourself.

To my Kylie: this is for you. Everything I do, think, say and feel... it's for you and your sweet big sister. Everything I decide in life is with yours and Jaycee's best interest at heart. I hope you will stay close as I try to sort out which way is which in my life, and I hope that you will help me share your life and memory with others. I love you, deeply and truly, and I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine.