Well, hello, 2011...

Today is January 1, 2011 (as if you didn't already know). So much on my mind and heart right now...

Today is the one year anniversary of my due date with Kylie. In all actuality, I should be celebrating the first birthday of my first child on the first day of the new year... but, I am not. I can only look at her pictures, her empty nursery, and close my eyes and focus on the memories of a life that was all too short... and it breaks my heart in a million pieces that I am now into another year without her. 2009 seems so far away today... her two weeks on earth with me seem even further. I still remember almost everything like it was yesterday, but that doesn't help ease any pain I feel from not having her. I just miss her so badly, and I would give anything to have her with me. My new normal is NOT the normal I had planned for my life.

There are so many things that I want to happen in 2011, and so many things that NEED to happen in 2011.

First step is to create a non-profit in Kylie's honor so that parents will be provided with a vital resource when they leave the hospital with empty arms. This is my number one goal, even if it is just getting started with the Foundation first at Huntsville Hospital. This WILL happen.

Second step is to begin working closely with the Foundation on getting some features added into the hospital for a memorial place for parents to visit. Some parents do not have a grave to visit, or do not have a place that is dedicated to angel babies in general, and so I want to work on that with the hospital. The more support we get for this, the better chances of it happening. I would like to ask all of my friends to write a letter to Huntsville Hospital encouraging them to do a memorial garden for lost babies and pregnancies. If you write this, I'd like for you to send it to my home address so I can compile them. Please message me on Facebook, or email angelkyliesmommy@gmail.com for my address. I want them to know that even friends and family members need a quiet, beautiful place to go to remember and honor their angel baby. I would love to have a park bench or something special donated in Kylie's name so her life will continue to live on. I am hoping to get going with this in a few months, so please let me know if you plan to write a letter for me. =)

Third step (and these are in no particular order, just things I want to get done) is the March of Dimes and the March for Babies 2011. The walk is April 16, 2011 at Bridgestreet. Angel Kylie's Hope for Gavin's Miracle will be teaming up this year, and Jessica and I (along with our husbands) will be the co-heads of the team, as we are walking in memory of Kylie, and in honor of Gavin, who received his healing heart surgery within a few weeks of life. It is an honor to be able to be a part of this with my best friend. I hate that she had to walk down a path of uncertainty on the way, but I am so glad to have such a deeper connection with her. We both understand the NICU experience, and we both understand how many sacrifices NICU parents must make. We also understand the importance of funding for the MOD, because without donations, the life-saving surgery Gavin had would not have been possible, because research would not have been performed, and Kylie would not have even had a chance to live. So we are both eternally grateful for the MOD and what they have given us and our families. Look for more info on our website soon, and how to donate/join. Our initial goal will be $5,000 this year, and then we will try to exceed our last year's total of $8,049. I know we can do it!

Fourth is the obvious- to conceive our 2nd child to expand our family. A second child would be such a blessing to us, and would mean more than anyone could ever imagine. I cannot wait for the day that I can hold my own beautiful precious newborn against my chest and have the experience of motherhood that I have not yet have the honor to have.

Other things:
- We have a lot of work to do with our grief and our marriage. After my last blog, we had a very long 2 1/2 hour conversation late that night and I think that we listened to one another to get out what we needed to get out. I think it was a positive step in the right direction, but I am having some real issues trusting and believing. I guess when you've been promised something for so long, and it never happens, you become one of those "I'll believe it when I see it" kind of people. So much negative has happened in the past 2 years that that is what I've become regardless of what is going on in my marriage or personal life.

- I want to get things to a better point in my life, and I want to continue doing things to remember and memorialize my sweet baby girl. I want to focus on the beauty her life has brought and the huge impact she has made on others. I want to continue her legacy in beautiful ways. I will continue to donate to the NICU, and I want to learn how to sew so I can make blankets to donate to the NICU as well. The NICU is in desperate need of all supplies, because they have so many babies rotating through the doors... and it would be wonderful to keep them supplied with beautiful things to give to parents to offer a bit of comfort and hope.

- I want to focus on sweet Jaycee and give her the love, attention, and home she deserves. I want to help her grow and learn, and I want to get her enrolled in Pre-K. I want her to have wonderful experiences, and I want to provide her with more opportunities than imagineable.. I want her to have the best time of her life in 2011.

I don't really want to look at this as a list of New Year's Resolutions. I want to look at it as a list of hopes, dreams, and accomplishments. Regardless of the New Year, i want to do these things, so for now, I'll focus on these things and get as far as I can in 2011.

I miss you and love you so much, sweet baby girl. You are my whole heart.

Happy 15 month birthday today, Kylie Brielle!