Yesterday and today have been highly productive days for me, even with Jaycee home with me yesterday. I feel that I have accomplished a lot in the way of getting things done. The house is put back in order, laundry is circulating frequently, the house is cleaned up, and I have enjoyed some relaxation time with a good book.
However, I think some of this is a cover-up for what I am really feeling. And this is a very honest blog, so if you don't want to know about my trying to conceive issues, or my issues with my husband, then you might want to go ahead and read elsewhere. I am having to reach out the only way I can right now, which is through writing, because he just doesn't get it.
This is my fourth month in a row on clomid, the most I've been on a higher dosage in 3 years. This is the fourth month in a row I've had to struggle to get my husband to even come near me during the peak ovulation times. Guess how many nights we've "practiced" this month and last month? THREE. THREE. THREE. How do you get pregnant with three nights out of two months? Yes, they were all in peak ovulation times, but with how good my numbers looked last month, it should have been about TEN. But no, he's too tired, doesn't feel good, or just pissy. Sounds like a damn woman.
He doesn't understand the emptiness I feel each day without a baby to hold in my arms. He doesn't understand how I cry every night after he is long asleep because he won't even touch me, his wife. It makes me feel hideous, disgusting, and unwanted. It makes me feel lonely and empty... and it hurts. "I don't know why I don't want to" or "I'm sorry, I was tired." Those two excuses make me want to vomit. Do you not want anymore children?
It also pisses me off beyond belief because I am wasting money and time because he won't do anything. I try to talk to him about it and it becomes a big argument because he doesn't see the big deal or the bigger picture. He doesn't realize that my body is ticking away... and he's the one telling everyone that he doesn't want to limit the children he has now, that he will take as many as he can get. How the hell is that going to work if you won't do what you need to with your WIFE so she can GET pregnant?
I'm over this. I'm over the hurt, the anxiety, the pain, and the heartbreak. I am over crying myself to sleep every night because he gets in bed, rolls over, and falls asleep. He doesn't take any initiative, and he doesn't show any concern for how I feel about it. I mean, my god, it took five years to conceive Kylie. At this rate, I'll never conceive again.
I am staying so angry at him, so stressed about this, and he won't even talk to me. He ends up yelling and pissed off no matter how I approach it: calmly, tearfully, angrily. No matter what, I can't get it through to him.
I give up. I give up completely. I am done. I can't do anything else!
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Maybe he is scared? Men cant express themselves the way that us women do. They internalize their hurt or fear. Maybe he is afraid of losing another child, or Lord forbid, you. Him not wanting to be intimate enough might be a symptom of the underlining issue. Have you thought about sitting down with your pastor or counselor? Or maybe he needs a good friend he can confide in to get to the root of the issue. Only then will yall be able to get past this hurdle and move forward with trying to concieve. We will be praying for yall
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel, and after working through the loosing our baby between our oldest and the next we had a similar issue. You are both trying to deal with the same issue- but no two people do the same. You need to first get back to the point were it is not baby making work, but just the act of love. No person just wants to work, it must be a complete giving of you to him and him to you just because you love each other, not because you want another baby. once you have both relaxed and are able to do that, with the help of the medication you will hopefully have some success. What I had to do was ask myself if I only wanted another baby, or if I was OK spending the rest of my life with the family I currently have if that is all that God wanted to bless me with. I hope my comment helps you in some way. Remember, we all love you and care about you- and having a baby is a major goal for you and we understand that, it is a wonderful feeling to see your heart outside of you body in the form of a new life- I hope you are able to experience this again.
ReplyDeleteI think kari hit the nail on the head. Me and my wife have been trying for almost two years with the same meds. I just came to a point where I was sick and tired of the same disappointment every month so instead of expressing how I felt I just avoided it all together. It wasnt that I didnt love my wife or want her. It was just my way of avoiding pain. Most men, including myself have problems just admitting we are scared and dont know what to do. We want control and in this situation we have very littleif any.Amber, please dont think I am making excuses for him. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I will be praying for you both and hope everything works out.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys... it helps to see other perspectives, and it helps that you guys are listening and are here for me.I appreciate the time you have taken to let me know you're here. It means so much.
ReplyDeletejust wanted to send you some ((hugs)). i'm sorry. feelings can get even more complicated after you've experienced a loss. :(
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