Christmas Eve and Kylie Brielle

Christmas is so hard. It's hard to think about in some ways, because Chris insisted that we would be in the hospital on Christmas, meeting our beautiful new baby girl, and she would be a beautiful Christmas gift to us. That didn't happen...

It's so hard because my due date was January 1, 2010. It's almost been a year since my due date, and so many things are still so difficult to stomach/handle. I think about what she would look like, who she would look like, what she would be learning, who she would act like...

It's so hard to live my life without my beautiful angel. It's so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other without Kylie here to hold my heart together. I feel so vulnerable, so weak, and so broken. It's like I'm the broken toy that is forgotten in the corner, the one that can't really be fixed, but no one has the heart to just throw it away. I feel fragile...

I miss my sweet girl so much today. I ache for her to be in my arms. I ache for another child. I ache for my draems to come true. I ache to wake up from this nightmare that is parenting from Earth to a child in Heaven.

I just wish my story had turned out the way I had planned... why was that too much to ask?

Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant just upsets me these days, because they are just kids having kids, and they are bringing children into poor environments without money, a safe place, etc. (for the most part), and I just wanted ONE baby, healthy to bring home,a nd I can't even get that... it's not fair.

so this Christmas, remember those parents who have empty arms, who are longing to reunite with their babies who have gone to Heaven... remember those parents who have struggled for years with infertility to bring a child of their own into the world... and remember those who are never able to bring home the baby they have always dreamed of.

Now, I fall into two categories... infertility and empty arms from a baby gone to Heaven.

I hate my body, and I hate this fate that has been bestowed upon me. If Kylie was here, everything would be fine.

Everything would be fine.

I love you, Kylie Brielle, more than you will ever know, and I anxiously await the day when I once more hold you close to me.