14 months

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

Sweet angel, fourteen months ago today, you left pain and suffering to enter eternal happiness. Unfortunately, as you became safe forever, I entered my own realm of pain, emptiness, and suffering. Please don't think I blame you, because I would NEVER do that. Nothing is your fault, sweet baby. You are the most innocent, perfect child, and I am so thankful for the gift of your life.

For 26 weeks, 5 days, I carried you. I carried you, nourished you, and loved you endlessly. I felt you move and grow, and I talked to you day in and day out. I made plans for you, I picked out things for you to have, and I prepared for a newborn baby, a perfect little bundle of joy in pink.

For two weeks exactly, I watched you grow in the NICU. I watched you kick your long legs, open your gorgeous blue eyes, and breathe through a ventilator. I heard your heart beat, I fed you through a feeding tube, and I took your temperature. I did not get to change your diaper, bathe you, or feed you a bottle. I didn't get to hear your cry, see your smile, or hold you close to me and feel your heart beat with mine.

For fourteen months exactly, I have missed you, loved you, and ached for you. I have wondered countless times who you would look like now, what you would be like, and what new things you would be doing. I have prayed, begged, pleaded, cried, screamed, and yelled. Not one day has gone by that I haven't thought about you.

As a parent, I hoped for several things. One was that I would be able to teach you the things you needed to know to make it in this world. Another was that you would be able to make a name for yourself and become an important contributor to society in your own way. Also, I wanted you to be YOU, and to be an individual, who is unique and wonderful.

Instead, you have taught me some things that I needed to know to make it in this world. What, you might ask? You have taught me a mother's love, a love that I would not know in such depth if it weren't for you. You have taught me to help others, to reach out if I need help, and to believe in special organizations who gave you a chance at a life. You have definitely made a name for yourself; you are touching so many lives, and it is just amazing to see what kind of impact you, my child, have on others. It is truly breath-taking. And, of course, you are YOU, an individual, who is unique and wonderful in more ways than I could ever tell you.

I wish I could tell you that things are easier for me. I wish I could tell you that I have accepted that it is what it is, and move on. I wish I could tell you that it doesn't hurt as bad as it did fourteen months ago, and that I know I can make it the rest of my life. I just can't do that. The pain sometimes hurts so desperately that I don't know what to do, how to handle it, or where to turn.

No matter how I feel, or where my grief is on any particular day, I am ALWAYS thankful for you. I am always thankful for your life, your love, and your birth. You will NEVER, EVER be forgotten, and I will ALWAYS love you more than you will ever know.

You are my heart and soul, and I love you so, so much. I miss you every day.

Thank you for coming to bake cookies with us on Friday. It was the most special thing to see you in so many of our pictures. You are truly, truly a blessing. Thank you for being mine.

Love forever and ever,

Your Mommy