Christmas

Christmas is a time of the year that used to be full of giddy excitement for me. I would put my tree up faithfully before my birthday (Because face it, Christmas trees ALWAYS make your birthday seem better!), I would deck the house out in Christmas deco, and Chris would slather on layers of Christmas lights outside. (When I was a child, it was my daddy who choose to make their house look like a freakin' airplane landing strip... and we LOVED it!) I would bake, make delicious goodies like haystacks, sugar cookies, and chocolate dipped pretzels (anyone else having problems with their mouths watering?) Hot chocolate was a staple, and presents overflowed from the tree.

Rewind one year: 2009. It took every ounce of strength I had to put up the tree, for Jaycee. Chris forced himself to put a few lights around the door and window on the front of the house. I hung up a wreath, and I put a few trinkets out. Wrapping presents was just another chore, and it took a lot of strength to gather at my mom's to make sugar cookies and oreo balls. Shopping lost its thrill, and I was so, so sad. Think about it- I was only 2 months away from saying goodbye to Kylie, and my due date was January 1, so I was imagining what I would have been like, hugely pregnant, delivering a happy, healthy baby... and preparing for a new baby among the Christmas cheer. I was devestated.

This year, Christmas hurts a little less. It makes it easier for me to get through each day to have little things to remind me of Kylie and the impact she is making on so many people. We put up the tree together as a family- Jaycee LOVED helping. We followed our normal tradition, because that is one little tradition that I don't mind keeping: Chris and I always take our two "First Christmas Together" ornaments and put them on together, first. Since last year, Jaycee has put on one of her ornaments at the same time. After that, we put all of Kylie's ornaments on the tree together. Then, we just got to work. I didn't even get to put ALL of my ornaments on because I ran out of room!

Chris will put up some lights today- not much, but enough for Jaycee to enjoy. My snowmen are all over the house: on the curio cabinet, kitchen counters, in the bathroom, on the entertainment center. Jaycee even has a little light-up tree in her room.

Within the next two years, I anticipate having enough ornaments to make our very own "Kylie Tree". I want to purchase a pink tree, because pink is the very color that defines my little girl the most, and then cover it with Kylie's ornaments, angels, and butterflies. What a beautiful tree it will be!

We actually got excited about shopping, and I am thrilled for Jaycee to see all of her gifts- she is very spoiled, and I have a hard time STOPPING shopping for her... haha.

However, it doesn't change that my body and mind and heart knows Kylie is missing, and each day this holiday season, I have cried, sobbed, and ached. My arms feel heavy because I should be celebrating a baby who is almost one, instead of a baby who is 1 year, 2 months old, and living in Heaven instead of here. Everything makes me cry, but I guess that is to be expected.

I miss my Kylie so much... Does anyone have a time machine so we can go back and fix everything that went wrong?