Does anyone understand?

After last night's post, there were several sweet comments made to me, and I greatly, greatly appreciate that. However, I did realize that some took it as a "God-bashing" session, or that they felt the need to witness to me because they didn't think I knew who God really was.

Unless you have walked in my shoes and have gone down the path of losing a child, especially your newborn, premature baby that you tried for FIVE years to conceive, then you don't get to decide where my faith is or where it was. I understand you want to help, but that only makes it WORSE.

There are stages of grief, and unfortunately, the stages are not neat stairs with even steps. You go back and forth, you go to good days and bad days, and your emotions are everywhere. I am 14 months tomorrow from losing my daughter. That's just a little over a year. I am entitled to have bad days. I am entitled to feel how I feel. I am entitled to be mad at God.

What really troubles me is that some people feel that telling me that a child is not really a "gift" but a "loan from God" will make me feel better. That doesn't explain why some people keep their children and others don't. It certainly doesn't help ease my pain.

What I need from everyone is to understand that I am not going to be fixed over night. I am not going to be all of a sudden fine when an invisible timer goes off and says "Okay, you're done grieving now." I am living with a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and if I can't use my own blog to vent how I feel and get some of that pressure off my chest and relieve some stress and anxiety, then where am I supposed to be able to do it? I want you to look at what you have done: you have judged me based on a life-altering experience. You don't know where my faith was before, you don't really know where it is now, and you don't know where it will be when the anger goes away.

I feel very judged and picked on.... I feel like the only thing most everyone pays attention to is the fact that I am mad at God. Doesn't anyone realize that I'm trying to sort my feelings out, that I'm trying to get a handle on my miserable, lonely life? Doesn't anyone care that there is more to my blog post than God?

Now I'm afraid to post anymore...