Grief and the power of best friends...

Last night was our monthly RTS meeting. Because of the pending holiday, we decided to bring food and do an ornament exchange. We knew that there would be at least one new couple, but when we arrived, there was another new couple, as well. For the first time EVER, there were 13 of us in the room, and it was an amazing thing to see. There were all stages of grief there: old and new, and everything in between. Two of us are 1 year, 2 months into our losses, and others were earlier this year, and some as early as 3 weeks and 5 weeks ago. I look at the newly bereaved mothers, and my heart just breaks in two, because I realize that that raw, scary pain is just never going to completely go away. For anyone to have to understand my pain, the grief that I am going through, and the significance of my loss means that they have to have lost, and I don't wish this journey on ANYONE. I just wanted to fix it for them, and to make it okay, because I realize now how difficult it is to see someone in that much pain.

I also feel bad because when I got home, I looked at myself and remembered that I was in their shoes at one time, a year ago, when the pain was so raw, so fresh, so numbing, so confusing... and I realize that I have come a very, very long way. I did not realize that I had gone from point A to point B... it doesn't mean that I am fixed or healed, because I am not, by any means, but it does mean that in baby steps, each day is easier to get through than the day before. I want to just wrap my arms around each new angel parent and guide them safely to the next stage, so they don't have to hurt like I did... but I know it can't be done. The pain is real, the grief is real, and the loss is real. It has taken me this long to realize that for myself.

Though I have often blogged about experiences that are negative, or people who have taken a negative view to what has happened in my life, there are positive people who help me with positive things in life.

Tonight, my best friend Jessica came over with her two boys. Jaycee and Micah are BEST friends, and they play so, so well together. They always hold hands and have conversations only they understand, and they have always been best of buds. Gavin is just the sweetest baby ever, and of course, I could go on forever with telling how great Jessica is.

Out of everyone outside of my family, Jessica and I have bonded and become so close over this past year. Not that my other friends haven't been there, because they have, but with Jessica's NICU and surgery experience with Gavin, we have a better understanding of one another.

When I was wheeled out of recovery in the wee hours of the morning on October 1, 2009, Jessica was the first person I saw. She had come, in the middle of the night, knowing she had to work in a few hours, to make sure I was okay. She was on her way to see my little angel, and then she was going to bed. Even in my drugged up state, I knew she was there, and I thought of how much that meant to me, for her to be there. She came as much as she could while I was in the hospital and while Kylie was in the NICU. The day of Kylie's passing, when she got the message that the doctors didn't expect Kylie to make it, she was there for me immediately. She left work, and came straight to the hospital. When my world was crashing down in front of me, she was there, already ready to pick up the pieces as they fell. That day, she didn't leave my side. It meant the world to me to know that she was able to hold Kylie and tell her goodbye. I know that Jess would have spoiled her so, so much. She just couldn't wait to get her hands on the first girl born into our group of friends.

Over the months that followed, Jessica never gave up on me. She continued to call, to message, and when i came out of my funk, she was there. When Gavin was born and was immediately rushed to the hospital's NICU at Crestwood, then Huntsville, then Vandy, I was there for her-- and I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.

As I was able to hold Gavin for the first time, in the NICU at Vandy a week after his birth, Jessica and I shared one of the most understanding, precious moments our friendship has ever had. At that moment, we had an understanding of one another that we never had before. For the first time, someone in my friends understood the fear and uncertainty that always comes with a NICU stay, and though I would NEVER wish it on anyone, I believe that in some weird way, God wanted us to share this connection. I honestly believe that Kylie was Gavin's guardian angel, and that she guided him through surgery. She knew that we could not handle anything else, and she protected him and helped him heal. She also stood by Jessica and helped her be strong, because I know first hand that it is hard to keep from crumbling.

Now, I don't know where I'd be without her. I can talk to her about Kylie. I can cry for no reason, and she doesn't judge me. I can tell her how I feel, straight up, and I can be honest with her with no fear of an argument, hurt feelings, or anger. I can be myself. Not many people ever find someone like that, someone who is so like them in so many ways, but yet brings out the best in you all the time. I am so blessed to have an earthly angel in Jessica, because I don't know how I would have made it this far without her support.

Don't get me wrong- I have wonderful friends who are here for me and who let me talk about Kylie freely. I love them to pieces, and they have done so much for me, whether it be chipping in to get bracelets made from Kylie's funeral flowers, or just joining the March for Babies and walking with us. Everyone has done some pretty awesome things for us.

I just wanted JEssica to know that I have never forgotten for one bit her part in Kylie's life, and how much I am thankful to have her now.

Kylie is a very lucky girl to have so many people who love her and miss her daily. I am proud to say that I have a very special angel.