Where's my miracle?

Every day, we hear of miracles. We hear of people surviving plane crashes, fires, and car crashes. We hear of life-altering surgeries, overnight cures of deadly diseases, and guardian angels protecting people from harm.

We hear of babies being born against all odds. We hear of babies surviving against all odds. We hear about miracle children who overcome huge obstacles, people who walk when they were told they never would, and moms and dads who live ten years past a diagnosis of 5 months...

So while everyone else gets their miracle, it just makes me wonder... what happened to mine? Did I use all my "miracle" up when I conceived and gave birth to Kylie? Because I do consider her a complete and total miracle- and I am so grateful for her...

But still I wonder. Why couldn't I have been given a miracle to save her, so that my life would not be down this spiraling, miserable path? Why couldn't I have just one more miracle? Why was Kylie's life not important enough to save, but so many other parents get their miracle prayers answered and then some?

Why do some parents get told to prepare for surgeries with life-altering consequences, only to be told later that "by a miracle" their child doesn't need the surgery anymore and is doing wonderful... why do some parents get told that their child won't make it through the surgery, and years later, they are still living life with their child?

If those things can happen, why could God not answer my simple prayer: please don't take my baby from me. I begged and pleaded... I cried and I screamed. I asked a million times NOT to take her away from me. And yet, the prayers, the begging, the pleading, the hoping... it was all in vain, because she is gone, and yet, I am stuck here in my miserable existence, broken into two million pieces, unable to be whole ever again. My prayers were ignored, pushed to the side, not listened to, and unanswered. Kylie, my most precious gift, and the most beautiful child I could have ever imagined, was taken from me unfairly and all too soon, and yet, I am expected to keep going like nothing ever happened. I am expected to NOT be angry with God, and I am expected to accept the fact that he took my child and she isn't coming back.

I would give my life, my blood, and everything I have and then some to have Kylie back in my arms. I would give the world to have her. I would beg, borrow, steal, and plead to have her. I just don't understand why some prayers are answered and others are not. I don't care if God needed or wanted her in Heaven, because I can guarantee I want her and need her more. There are plenty of angels already there, and I just want my angel with me. I really don't understand why my request to keep my child was any more difficult to handle than all the millions of other parents who never have experienced a loss or had trouble having children. Why is my request so hard to handle, and others are not?

I know that everyone is different and every situation is different, but what I want to know is what I did to offend God so much that he thought to punish me with the most excruciating, terrifying pain and punishment that could ever be created. Yes, I believe it is God. I don't believe it is Satan, because God is supposed to be able to STOP the bad from happening, and I just don't understand why God would allow an innocent, helpless baby to die like that... just say "Oh, you don't have to live your life, you can come with me now." To me, that is a selfish thing. You dont' need my baby because you have plenty of adults who live a full life and then pass... you can use them. Why my baby, who had no chance to live, to learn, to grow up, to become a young lady with hopes, dreams, and a life of her own? How dare you take away her future and mine?!

I am so angry tonight because EVERY damn day, someone gets a miracle, and I couldn't have mine. It is unfair, and I am not happy with it. I hate my miserable life. I just want my baby.