My entire life, I have always wanted to be a mom. I have always wanted children, and at least 3. I have also, since I was a teenager, had a huge fear of not being able to have children. Why, I don't know. It was odd- I would always think about having children, and then the thoughts would pop up: "what if I can't have children?".
It makes me wonder what my body has been trying to tell me myentire life... what my mind knew that my heart cannot grasp. I am beginning to think that I've been trying to prepare myself for the fact that I will not have children of my own here on earth with me.
I am so depressed, so broken, so lost... in so much pain. I want to have a baby so badly. I want to have my OWN baby, and I would give anything to have Kylie back. I cannot have her back, so I do want another child to fill this void in my heart- my yearning to be a mother. This child would never replace my Kylie, but it would help fill my desire to become a mother.
In April of 2010, when I could finally start trying again, my body decided to wage war on me again. April to June, things went haywire. June is when I started seeing my new doc, Dr. H. He was so kind and so great-- he worked with me for June, July, and August to get my cycles on track and coming on their own. In August, I started back on clomid (50 mg) and again in September. In October, I started on 100 mg a day, and have been on it ever since. This month is the last month I can take clomid for awhile. It would be the fifth month.
I am so scared, so frustrated... it's 3 years ago all over again. The "no's" each month are killing my soul. The empty nursery is a constant reminder, but I cannot bear to take it down. The inability for my body to regulate itself is so frustrating and draining. I feel worthless, useless, hopeless. Others get pregnant right away. Others say it's easier to conceive the second child once you have had your first. Why do people say that?
It isn't easier. It sucks. It royally sucks. I shouldn't even have to be trying to have a baby. I should be caring for an almost 16 month old preemie who needs her Mommy more than others. I should be looking at a house full of baby toys, clothes, and tiny socks. I should not be buying ovulation kits, clomid, and prenatal vitams in hopes that I will conceive this month.
Why me? Why has my whole journey to motherhood been full of pain and suffering? Why is my whole life consummed with NO to every thing I ever wanted with all my heart? Why am I being forced to live this life of uncertainty and heartbreak? Haven't I suffered enough? I just want to be a mommy again. I want another child. I want to have an opportunity at a full 40 week pregnancy. I want a baby to love, to raise, to teach, and to guide. I want to complete my family. At this rate, I'll be happy with just one more sweet angel to add to my home. BUt, I can't even get that.
This is emotionally, mentally, physically draining. It brings out every emotion I ever had before I got pregnant with Kylie, and it brings back every memory of my pregnancy with Kylie, every memory of my life with her, and every memory of my living hell since losing her.
I am not okay today. I am not okay right now. It is so hard for anyone to understand my desires and my pain, and to top it off, I am still grieving, which makes this process all the more difficult. I just want things to work out in my favor for once.
Everyone keeps saying "Well, you know you can get pregnant." Well, tell my body that. Yes, I got pregnant with Kylie. Yes, it happened on its own. But apparently, it isn't happening now. How in the world is that supposed to comfort me?
Fertility issues suck. Being unable to conceive sucks. Being a mother who has lost her baby... well, it stinks to be in this position.
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((hugs)) you are right, it all just sucks. i'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you have to go through all of that Amber. I really wish things would get better for you. I can in no way so that I understand how you fill in the area of the loss of your baby, but I have had many infertility issues. I haven't taken birth control pills in over 8 years now and I have only been able to get pregnant once. I am truly grateful for my daughter and thank God that I was blessed with her. I really don't understand how it is so easy for some people to get pregnant and so hard for others. I have given up on trying to have another baby because I guess it just isn't in the cards for me. It really hurts my heart though when so many people around me can just get pregnant at the drop of a hat and then have abortions like it is nothing. It just rips my heart out. I also know so many people that have several children that they don't even have custody of because they are on drugs, but yet they can still get pregnant time after time. It just makes no sense whatsoever. I get tired of people asking me all the time, when are you going to have another baby? Why don't you have a sibling for Savannah? I get asked that so much that I am tired of hearing it. I finally told someone the other day that when I decide to quit my job, live off welfare and start doing crack is when Savannah will get a sibling because those seem to be the only types of people that have no problems getting pregnant. I didn't mean to go into all that but I will pray for you that things will get better. I really hope that you are given the opportunity to be a Mom like your heart desires. But in the meantime, just know that I totally agree with you FERTILITY ISSUES SUCK!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThere is a saying that "positive receives positive". Stay Positive instead of so negative and just see what evolves. No matter the many reasons to be negative and the reasons not to be positive, just try staying absolutely positive and see what the cards hold. No matter how much you do not want too. Maybe the world feels your to negative on yourself and your world right now to bring another into it. Just food for thought my friend....
ReplyDeleteDarlene and Tiffany, thank you so much for your KIND words. I am so thankful I have some support and people who understand that it's not fair. Thank you for being there for me.
ReplyDeleteI agree that not being able to see any good or be positive can and does bring negativity into your life. I know this from personal situations. No, I didn't lose a child but I have had other major things go wrong. I was always coming down on myself, my entire life, and everything around me. I decided I had to change because I was slowly killing myself (in spirit) and any meaningful relationship in my life. Maybe you should try your best to be more positive and try to think about the good your baby has helped you do since then every time you start feeling bad. Not trying to upset you but give you a different perspective. So many people just agree and say it's ok and I know but sometimes you need to hear something different. Again I'm not trying to offend you or anyone that reads this. Best of luck with your future!
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