So the anonymous poster on my last blog just really set me off. I understand people are trying to help, but my God, could you be any LESS supportive? The last thing anyone in my position wants or needs to hear is "You need to be positive. Maybe the world doesn't want to bring another child into your life if it is so negative."
Do you know what that makes me feel like? That makes me feel like I am unfit to be a good mother. That makes me feel like you think that I am not capable of being a good mother because I am so upset. Did you lose your first born child? Did you watch your child suffer through an agonizing, painful disease and surgery? Did you watch your child die in your arms? Did you try everything you possibly could to keep it from happening? Don't you dare judge me. This is MY BLOG, and I can write whatever I want. I shouldn't have to worry about people who try to bring me down even more. I am entitled to feel any way I want, and it is really hard to be positive when your life has been completely ripped out from underneath you.
If you don't want to read my negative posts, then don't. If you don't think I'm in the right state of mind, condition, or position to have another child, then keep it to yourself. I have enough on my plate to worry about. I can't be upset even more by people putting me down more. I look to my comments for solace, comfort, and support, not for putting me down and degrading me and making me feel worthless, which is what you have done.
I guess I'm just not mother-material. I guess it is not meant to be. I guess I'll just accept the fact that I am not going to be a mother again, and just live my life in silence, since I can't even be free to post what I want here. Everything is so crappy. If you lived my life, you might understand. I wouldn't wish this constant pain and agony on anyone, not even you or my worst enemy. Do me a favor and don't be helpful if all you have are comments like that. I'm going through enough.
This will probably be my last publicly noted post for awhile. If anyone wants to keep up with me, you'll have to do it by following and checking every so often. I don't want anymore comments like that one.
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Amber PLEASE DON"T STRESS yourself right now. This is your last month on the clomid for a while and well I know it is hard not to stress. But stress is not good for baby making...stress can mess up you cycle and not even that it just messes your whole body up not just your mind and probably your BP. I am not trying to hurt you in anyway. I want to see you get what you have been longing for. Maybe for a while don't read your comments anymore. Not till that baby comes and than you came laugh at all the asses who put you down!! Good Luck This month Amber. I hope it happens!!
ReplyDelete((hugs)) i'm so sorry that you have to deal with people not being supportive. amber, you are right, any person who would tell you "just be positive," has never lost a child. you are grieving your precious Kylie, you are grieving your hopes of quickly being a mom (not to say that it won't happen, but i understand the feeling of it not happening as soon as we want it to, i'm in the midst of feeling this myself). you have every right to write whatever you want, whenever you want in YOUR blog. and those that don't want to simply give you a shoulder to cry on should be cut out.
ReplyDeleteshame on whoever "anonymous" poster is for not allowing you to grieve/vent, etc the way you want. continue to express yourself fully, amber. those who care will be there - like me. ((hugs))
you are your own worst emeny. Amber you are always about ME,ME,ME,Drama Queen is what a lot of people call you but won't say it to your face.You blame God and everyone else around you for Kylie's death,you need to look within yourself. You know you had medical problems before you ever got pregnant,then on top of that your blood pressure got high,but did you ever plan ahead and say to yourself,I know I have problems,let me make sure I'm healthy before I get pregnant. You were overweight,knew you were not in the best of health but did you do anything to better yourself before trying to carry a child ? At this time you are trying to conceive again and what have you done to get yourself in shape to carry another child,you haven't lost any weight to try and better your bood pressure at all,thats why I say you should look within yourself. Stop blaming the world and take some blame for your own actions. Your not the first , nor will you be the last to lose a baby. Another child ,you are not stable enough right now for another child,instead of looking at all your friends for pity,you truly need to search for Gods help and not just say you do.Some therapy would do you a great deal of good and not from other greiving friends.Most of your friends are not being honest with you anyway,they tell you what you want to hear,they would be more honest to tell you what they say behind your back.Your own family won't be honest with you cause everyone is afraid of hurting your feelings so they sugarcoat it for you,I've heard it to many times. I'm also concerned how this is affecting your teaching,do you honestly think this is fair to your students,your frame of mind all the time.How many times have I noticed your writing this while you are at school and that time is suppose to be for your students.I'm not sure as others are , if you should of ever returned to school untill you could handle Kylie's death.You are being very unfair to Jaycee but I do notice you never refer yourself as her Mother,even though you have taken on that role,so I'm not sure why you have her there except Chris does act like a true father to her. I know you think this letter is to hurt you cause thats the way you will see it but truly its to open your eyes up,get yourself some serious help.Only wishing the best for you.
ReplyDeleteAmber. Hang in there. I believe it will happen! You are definitely mommy material. I believe that any one that could suffer a loss like yours and NOT be upset and distraught and confused and devastated... and and and .... If they are NOT feeling like that then that person is NOT mommy material.
ReplyDeletethe fact that you care so much, that you have so much love, that you are working so hard to help others even during your time for mourning, and healing.... THAT lets me know that you are mommy material. YOU have more compassion than many people I know, and absolutely more sense and love in your being that the 'anonymous poster.'
I understand that often times it is harder to express in your everyday life how sad and upset and angry you are. I would bet that anon. only reads your blogs and is not in touch with you in real life. Happiness is so easy to share in the company of others. I don't think that you are a depressing person (in fact I have known you to light up a room by just being there), or that 'you need to be more positive' I believe that this blog is the place that you feel safest expressing your darker emotions, and your frustrations,and that outlet is a good one,. so YES you can post what you want, and be negative if you want to be!!!!!
be mad Amber, that's your right. i love you.
wow. ((hugs)) i just read the last anonymous post. amber, i'm so sorry you have to deal with such rude hateful people. i'm so sorry that you, a wonderful mother who unfortunately had your baby taken from you too soon, have to deal with people like that. i'm sending you all of my love...
ReplyDeleteTo the anonymous blogger,
ReplyDeleteWhether people agree with you or not, there is no need to say it in such a hurtful manner as you did. You will never truly understand her pain until you have experienced it yourself. You have no right to put words in her family's or friends mouth. If they are truly her friends then they ARE telling her the truth about how they feel. You didn't even have the guts to put your name to your words. If you cared about amber you should have spoken to her in person. Looks like you might need to take a good long look in the mirror.
Amber, I know you are in a lot of pain right now and I am praying for you!
In His Love,
Bethany
Amber
ReplyDeleteFirst you have to realize that you are posting to a public blog. With that comes other peoples opinions. If you don't want that then you need to have a private journal or make this blog private.
I think the anony. poster yesterday wasn't being as mean or hateful as you took it. They have a very good point though. Being "negative", depressed, and stressed has a very real, negative physical impact on the body. Not saying you should feel sadness but really trying to focus on the AMAZING things that have happened through Kylie's birth would be good for you.
For today's anony. poster there was some definite truth to the things said but the ugly tone was not necessary. I have also tried to have a truthful conversation with you Amber and you did get mad/ignore me because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. But for the poster to attack your teaching abilities (and mothering Jaycee) is going too far. There is a thing called a planning period where teachers can do whatever they need to do.
This is Christina from RTS. Pardon me as I have never blogged or even commented on one. Hey anonymous, you sound like you are one of Amber's close personal friends that know her whole life, and know her every move and daily routine. Why not come out and tell her who you are so she can stop being friends with you? You obviously aren't helping her. And to the comment that her bereaved friends aren't helping her, that's B.S. We are probably the only people who can help her right now. I lost my daughter Aubrey 3 days before Amber and I can tell you that I joined 3 grief support groups and they have helped me more than anything else. The people are wonderful and know just what I am going through. Some of these people are 10, 15, 20 years bereaved and it helps so much seeing that there is Hope for us that we can continue on in life when sometimes if feels like we can't even make it to the next day. Knowing these people are only a phone call away and would listen to us talk and cry, that is the best feeling ever. That is true support. A therapist as you suggested, if they aren't a bereaved parent, you're wasting your money going to see them. You can't teach what it feels like to lose a child, only mothers and fathers can know what that feels like. A therapist would just ask, "and how does that make you feel?" Well my answer would be,"down right shitty!" Amber is having good and bad days as we all do, but she doesn't need a friend like you. Please tell her who you are so she can stop the contact with you. You are doing more harm than good.
ReplyDeleteLove and Hugs Amber,
Christina Livingston
I was the last Anon. poster and accidently hit send before i meant to.
ReplyDeleteAlso meant to say that you are doing a great job with Jaycee. And she is lucky to have people in her life that love her so much.
I know that you are working through your grief in your own way. But what they said about going to talk with a professional might be a good idea for you and Chris. These are trained professionals that can truly help you. Friends are good listeners but don't really know how to help get you through this. I hate how people think that going to talk to a counselor makes them weak or that they can help themselves. Please think about it. I say this from experience.
The elivated stress and the unability of Chris to cooperate I think is a great time to set some other goals in your life. Not saying that babymaking is out of the question but a year or two of healing and becoming as healthy as you can become will be great for you, Chris and Jaycee. Grief sucks, waiting on a ticking bio clock sucks, being unhealthy sucks. Ultimately Chris should be your #1 support center and he is dealing with all this it sounds like by shutting down. He may fear making a baby again will have a similar outcome. He may feal he has failed you in some way and also alot of men cant perform under that type of presure and in such a state of unknowing in his life. In the end it all sucks but there is more you can do. Getting out of bed every morning and being a mother to Jayce and Kylie, a wife to Chris and a teacher to so many children is making such a difference in this world right now and if that is all you get to be in this world I am proud of you and thankful for you. I wish you the best of luck.(Sorry if my spelling or grammar is bad I know that drives you crazy)
ReplyDeleteIt's me again Amber, Christina:)
ReplyDeleteTo the anonymous that posted this part,I hate how people think that going to talk to a counselor makes them weak or that they can help themselves. Please think about it. I say this from experience."
I think this could be a good idea for their relationship issues, but for the loss of Kylie, not so much. She is where she needs to be, in support groups and with other mothers and fathers that have and are going through the same thing. I have been in counseling before also, not for our loss, but for relationship issues. It can help with that if the couple wants the relationship to work. For me, one of us didn't and we ditched counseling and split up. So this can be good, yes. Just wanted to say that in case you thought I was meaning counseling is horrible, because it isn't. But if she is just going for the loss of Kylie, don't waste your money Amber. A couple from Athens that is in another group we're in ditched their counselor because they said the group helped more than the counselor and we were free:)
See you soon girly:)
Christina
OH Amber I am so sorry to hear about people being so rude to you about what you post about YOUR feelings, YOUR thoughts. People shouldn't judge you for any reason especially if they haven't been in the position that you have been put in. Seems like the anonymous person (the one that was very very rude not the others below it) needs to take a good look at her or his self. How do they know what they would do, feel, think if they lost their child that they tried so hard to have? I have never lost a child so I can not imange what you are going through Amber but I do know it is a living hell for you! And as far as this person saying you aren't a good momma to Jaycee is so far from crap, you talk about her a lot, but this blog is FOR KYLIE on dealing with her loss and Ambers feelings about that!!! Yes Amber wants HER OWN baby and there is nothing wrong with that, doesn't mean she doesn't love Jaycee and since I have biological children of my own and children that aren't mine biologically I speak from experience, I don't love my kids any differently BUT there is a different bond you have with your own biological children!!! Amber please don't stop posting because of small minded people, I know it hurts you and cuts you so deep. But you are entitled to speak as freely as you want on here and anywhere else about YOUR DAUGHTER because she is a special little angel and should be talked about ALWAYS!!!! Take care Amber!!
ReplyDeleteWow. So I just noticed that I was part of the "purge". For the record I was not the anonymous poster. I will always use my name when I talk to you. That's why I use facebook usually. I have never posted here before so I am not sure what that was about.
ReplyDeleteDenise Landrith
Sissy,
ReplyDeleteI have been sitting here re-reading all of these posts trying to find the right words to say to who. As a family member, I care so deeply about you, Chris, Jaycee, AND Kylie. I know that I, as well as the rest of our family, have tried our best to be as supportive as possible to you and your feelings. It is difficult for us to understand EXACTLY what you're going through. In my eyes, you are the strongest person to be able to continue on with your life after such a traumatic experience. I know I was always the strong one, you've even said so yourself, but you're not giving yourself enough credit. Had it been me, I would have crumbled. Anyone who thinks any differently of you should be ashamed of themselves. You have every right to grieve, to be angry with God, to be angry with certain people, to be hurt, to be depressed, to be sad, and at the same time to be happy for all that Kylie has done with her short little life, and for all that you have accomplished in her memory. I am very upset with this anonymous blogger, because by the words spoken it is someone very close to you and our family and it pains me to think that i've given this person, at some point, some of the time of my life, some of the air around me, and they surely deserve NONE of it. This person should admit who they are that way they will NEVER have to listen to anything you or your friends or your family has to say again. Because they don't don't deserve any ounce of respect or politeness in the world, and you are way too good of a person to waste your time with them. I am proud of you for how you've made it through so many difficult experiences in your life. You've turned painful moments into amazing things, and only you could do that. You are the greatest mommy to Jaycee (Jaycee has a mom and obviously some people don't understand the situation very well) but you are her caregiver and you and chris provide her with all of the tools that she needs to be an amazing young woman some day. If it weren't for you guys, she wouldn't have so many opportunities in this life, and to me that is the greatest gift you could have given her. I can't sit here and tell you that you'll get pregnant again, or that your issues will get better, because life is so unexpected..we have no idea what is going to happen next. All you can do is continue to try and when the trying gets to tough, take a break, regroup, and start again. Don't you ever give up on your dreams because they are too important for you to forget about, and most importantly at the end of the day the only words that matter are the words in your heart and in the hearts of those that love you and care about you. I have faith in your abilities to do great things with this life you've been given. You have changed so many lives for the better, through kylie's memory, by being a teacher, and for simply just being you. You can't put a time limit on grief, everyone handles it differently, and its not okay for someone to slam you for how you deal with yours..even if they have been through the same situation, they're a different person and grief is never the same. Do not feel guilty or bad, and don't let anyone let you feel that way. You keep handling this the best way you know how and the way that makes you feel better. Your family, and the select friends that have been supportive and understanding will always stand beside you. If you look over and they're not there, then they didn't deserve that spot. I love you, Jon loves you, and Nick Nick loves his Aunt Ambuhr too! I know that you know in your heart what kind of person the Anonymous poster was and that they don't deserve to know how great of a person you are!
Ok, I'm super Pissed. Why would anyone be so cruel? Some things are meant to be kept to yourself. NO ONE deserves to be publicly or privately bashed!
ReplyDelete