18 months

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

If words could express how much I miss you right now, I don't think they would ever be enough. It is so, so very hard to grasp that you were born 18 months ago... 1 1/2 years ago. It seems like so long ago, yet sometimes, like it was only yesterday.

I often lay in bed and close my eyes to remember your face... to remember those beautiful blue eyes, to remind myself of the smiles you put on my face every time I laid eyes on you. I could never forget anything about you; I spent two full weeks memorizing your features so that they would forever be etched in my memory. No matter what, I will always see a beautiful angel when I think of you.

I am a pretty lucky Mommy. I mean, I have Jaycee, I have you, and I have our little Butterfly on the way. I have so much, and I owe a lot of it to you. I would give the world and then some to have you back, but I know that is impossible. I know you are in a much safer, better place, but it doesn't change how badly my heart still aches for you. I know it always will; it is the mother in me, I suppose. However, I do not wish you to suffer the earthly pains that would have consummed your life, and so I am thankful that you are in a place where you know no pain, no suffering, and no sadness. It gives me a sense of peace and happiness that I won't ever have to think of you hurting over boys, friends, or life in general. I know that you have a pure heart of gold, and that you have a kindness and understanding of others that I will never, ever know.

Today, I want to thank you for this blessing you have sent to us. I am so, so grateful for this pregnancy and the new rainbow baby you have helped send our way. You are helping heal an empty hole in my soul; I have such a desire to be a Mommy, and this is helping me fulfill that on earth. Sweet girl, do not think that I want to replace you, because that will NEVER happen, but I do want to add to our family. And I will teach Butterfly all about you; you will ALWAYS be just as important in our family as if you were here with us on Earth. Every one of your siblings will know you, love you, and honor your memory as we have started.

Every day, I am touched by the miracle of your life. I share you with others to help babies have a better chance at living; I share you with others to help raise awareness, and I share you most of all because I am PROUD to be your Mommy. I am honored that you were chosen to be my daughter, my first born, my angel. As much as I miss you and love you, I am still the proudest Mommy in the world. Your name is doing so much good for everyone else. I couldn't be more proud.

We are doing okay right now. I'd like to tell you I was worry free, but of course, that isn't the case. I'm terrified of losing again, of going home empty handed, of living  my worst nightmare over again. I'm afraid of what might happen, though I know that I'm doing all I can. I am just nervous, I guess, which is understandable, but having a hard time getting through the worry. We are excited, of course, but the reality of things I guess makes it impossible to be naive about things. We are hopeful that things will come out okay, but you just never know. We go for our first ultrasound on Thursday, so we are anticipating that!

Sweet girl, the walk is coming up in just less than two weeks. We are at $5,000+, and I couldn't be more thrilled with how well we've done. I hope you know we're doing this all for you. I love you so much.

With deepest love,

Your Mommy