A statement

This blog is a place for me to share my feelings, valid or not. This is a place for me to write down how I feel, how I perceive things, and to work through my grief. It is a place for me to feel free to say things that I have a hard time saying out loud, that I have to work through in words that are written, since writing is my comfort zone.

Yes, I am overly emotional. But I am entitled to my own opinion.

You just don't realize- I would not wish this pain and suffering on my own worst enemy, possibly even Satan himself. This pain is a terrible awful, searing pain- a pain that feels like it eats away my insides every single day, and it takes all my energy and all I have to just get through each day in one piece. It takes everything I have to get to the night and make it through that- because when I am sleeping, the nightmares commence.

If someone can prevent going through this pain, if someone can prevent this agonizing reality, then they should. You just don't realize how terrible it is until you're going through it, and I can't make people understand enough how important it is to protect your children as much as possible from things like SIDS, etc. Over 50% of SIDS deaths occur due to co-sleeping. The odds are just too risky for me. I myself move a LOT when I sleep. I could not do that. I'm not saying someone is stupid for doing it, but I'm saying they are risking a whole lot- a lifetime, really. It breaks my heart in two when I see people make these decisions, because I don't have the opportunity to make my own about it, because Kylie is not here. I never knew anyone in my immediate family did that, so it wasn't like I was giving a personal attack. It's just that I see it too much. Take the Kardashian girl, Kourtney I think, who says every night she co-sleeps with her son Mason. That is what sparked this whole thought process, because that is just a risk too great to handle. Every night she risks losing her son, when she could prevent it.

Also, I have this blog because I need to feel like I can have a safe place to grieve in the way I need to. I have been dealing with people being critical of me because they feel I need to see a therapist or someone, because I'm not really grieiving as I should, or because they feel I'm not dealing the way I should. I'm sorry, but no parent grieves the same, and I don't think I should have to meet someone else's criteria of how to grieve over my own child. Just because it seems unhealthy to you doesn't mean it is wrong for me, because if you haven't lost your child, then you won't know. I never said anyone in my immediate family has said stupid things to me, because they haven't. People in general say stupid things all the time- hurtful things. No one in my family has done that before- they know not to say "well at least you know you can have kids now."

I guess that I was right about some things. If you haven't been through it, you can't understand what is going on in my head, or how things seem to me, because lately, I have felt very put down, picked on, and not listened to. I guess these things aren't for me to share here, either, because no one will ever truly understand unless they've been through it, and again, I am having to worry about hurting other's feelings when my own are completely crushed. I thought I had found my safe place.

This grief is killing me. This grief consumes me. This pain is raw and real and fresh, and it starts new every day when i wake up, because all I want in this world is to have my duaghter here with me like most other people. I would give anything to have her here. I would trade places with her in a heart beat, and I would give my life to have hers back. She is my everything, and I now have lost her. Now that we are past the 9 month mark and fastly approaching the 10-month mark, that reality is even more painful, that I am less than 3 months away from my daughter's 1 year birthday and 1 year angelversary... and I don't even want to think about that.

And to clarify one more thing, I have not asked for much. All I have asked for is to be listened to, to be sensitive to my feelings/grief, and to be there for me, and to acknowledge Kylie's special days. It is so important to me, and that is all I have asked. I didn't think that was too much.