So a little blah...

So today is the final day of our weekend-long 4th of July celebrations. Today is our family cook out with my grandparents, aunt, uncles, etc. The morning has been pretty slow-go, but at least a lot of the cleaning was done before hand. The party on Saturday went off well, but it drained all of us, and we needed yesterday to recover.

For the remodel, mom and I got a new door knob for the pantry in the kitchen and a new faucet for the spare bathroom to match the new light fixture we just had put in a few months ago. Dad and Chris are at the house now getting some more measurements and such. I can't wait for things to start tomorrow so that I can be closer to getting back in my house.

Saturday was a hard day for me. Last year at the party, I was 4 months pregnant. This year, I am 9 months without my child. I was grumpy, upset, and hurt all day. It seemed like everyone had plans to go somewhere else or do something, and very few people wanted to be up front with me and tell me they weren't coming or whatever. My feelings were really hurt, because out of all days, I really needed people around me on that day, and so few people were there for me. I am thankful for Caitlin, because just knowing she was right there, and that she KNEW how much I was hurting, well, that meant a lot to me. I had a hard time watching everyone else with their children, knowing that I should have been the one tracking down my baby because everyone wanted to play "pass the baby" with her... knowing that won't ever happen with my Kylie just breaks my heart. Having those people around me who know me best and know how to make me laugh was so important to me, and I felt so abandoned, yet again. The worst part was that most people just didn't even tell me they weren't or were coming. They just ignored me. Am I that miserable to be around, that you don't want to even talk to me or be honest with me anymore?

So many people decided they wouldn't come because they didn't want their children exposed to alcohol. Oh my freaking goodness- it was quiet and tame, and you didn't see anyone drink! Some people didn't even have the nerve to tell me that that was the reason they didn't come. I had to figure it out, or someone else had to tell me for them. You know what? All of this is part of life. The more children are shielded from things instead of being TAUGHT about things, well, just wait til they get older. My parents never shielded us from people smoking or drinking- they informed us from day one that it is something that adults do and it is bad for children and can make you really sick, and that you have to be old enough to handle the responsibility of those things. By my dad and mom sharing that with me, and by them teaching me to respect those things, I did not go buck wild as a teenager, and I still, to this day, respect alcohol and such. I have been drunk very few times in my life, and I have never been a clubbing type person. It really offends me when people say they dont want to attend the party because of the drinking, because they make me feel ashamed of drinking anything at all, or that I am an alcoholic, or that my family is full of alcoholics because we like to enjoy a beverage every now and then. I think it's wrong to make someone feel that way. Just because you don't like to drink or don't want to doesn't mean you have to embarrass and talk down to someone who does.

So yes, I'm frustrated, because I am beginning to see more and more that those who I thought so much of don't think as much of me as I do them. If they did, they'd be honest with me and give me the benefit of the doubt, and I wouldn't have to keep begging for someone to talk to, someone to show me some care and concern, and I wouldn't have to feel embarrassed or ashamed.

Why me?