Happy 9 month birthday, Kylie Brielle!

9 months ago right now, at this very moment, at 10:20 PM on October 1, 2009, I was in a hospital bed in the antepartum unit of Huntsville Hospital while my daughter approached her one-day mark in a Giraffe bed in the NICU, depending on ventilators, medication, and nurses for her survival.

9 months ago right now, I was a basket case of emotions; I was excited, because despite the situation, I was actually a mommy. A real mommy that gave birth and delivered a little girl that my husband and I created. I was scared because so much could go so wrong, and my little girl had a long, hard road ahead of her. I was exhausted because of the lack of sleep over the course of the past month while dealing with hospitals, doctors, and severe pain. I was hormonal, because I had just given birth and my body was going through all kinds of crazy stuff. I was happy because my dream of motherhood came true and because despite everything, Kylie had a good first day. I was on cloud nine because I got to touch my little girls hand, a hand that I never truly imagined I'd see, ever. I was so many things at this moment.

9 months ago right now, my world was so different. I was planning the future, looking ahead at the obstacles we would have to overcome, making plans for therapists, and preparing my friends and family for the long road we were embarking upon. I knew things wouldn't be easy, but I never imagined that my path would become what it has.

Fast forward to the present...

I am still a basket case with emotions. I am happy that my daughter is no longer suffering, that she has eternal peace and happiness. I am happy that I am a mom, in all aspects of the word, and that I have two weeks of beautiful memories with my daughter. I am thankful for the blessings she has shown me and for the blessing of her life. I am thankful for the impact she is having and will continue to have on others, this community, and the world. I am sad, so sad, that I have to mother her from earth while she resides in Heaven, and I am sad that I cannot watch her grow into the woman I always imagined her to be. I am grieving for the life that will never be, the boyfriends she'll never have, the opportunities that will never come, the wedding I'll never help plan... I am grieving for the life I had planned for my little family and the future that is forever altered. I am angry with God, with doctors, with nurses, for taking my daughter, or not doing what I thought they should do to help her, or not giving me options to protect her. I am angry that medical professionals did not take me seriously and did not listen to what was going on. I am angry that I have to continue my life without my child. I am hurt, deeply, by all that has happened and that will happen because of losing my daughter. I am hopeful, hopeful that Kylie's memory will help others have a chance at life, cope with losing their own children, and/or raise awareness to prematurity, NEC, and baby loss.

Right now, I miss my daughter more than I have missed anyone in my entire life. My heart aches, constantly, for her. I know I say it every day, and many times a day, but my life is empty and missing a piece without her. This pain is nothing I would wish on my worst enemy. I am constantly beating myself up with guilt, with pain, with anger, with hurt. I am constantly analyzing and asking the "what ifs..." I am lost without her. Sure I have projects and things to occupy my time, but it doesn't mean that I am okay deep down inside.

Days like today show up every month... her birthday and her angelversary. 2 days of a month that just tear me down and depress me more than I have been in a while. Just when I feel I am able to cope better, to handle it better, I fall to pieces, like today.

My dearest Kylie,

You are the light of my life, sweet angel. My world exists because of you. I always knew I would love my children, but until I actually had you, I had no clue of the power of a mother's love. It far surpasses any love that you can have for someone. Yes, my baby girl, I am so sad that you will never experience a love such as that. I know, despite how short your life was, that you would have been a beautiful, fantastic, loving mother. Your heart is so pure, and I know that your heart would have always been pure. The ability to love purely, deeply, and honestly would have made you an even better mother than me.

My love for you is so overwhelming at times, that I just cannot seem to put it into words. Of course I love your daddy, and I could not bear to be without him, but even my love for you is different from that. Your daddy and I both agreed that though we love one another, we love you MORE than we love each other. It doesn't make us love each other any less, but both of us would do absolutely anything and everything for you. Kylie, it is hard to explain in words... just trust me on this one. You are a creation that came out of love, mutal respect, honor, and trust. Your daddy and I wanted a child of our own more than anything, and we have always wanted to be parents. When we found out we were going to have you, nothing else mattered. YOU and your life were what mattered. It is our job to protect you, to love you, to teach you, to care for you, and to respect you. The fact that you are a combination of us, well, that makes you so special. Even more special than daddy and I are to each other.

I want you to know that very few children are wanted more than you were. Not that others were not wanted, but no one could love you and want you like me and your daddy. Today, I celebrate the life you were given, the life you gave to me, and the gift of you. It saddens me more than you could ever comprehend, to have to celebrate your life when you no longer have an earthly one, but I will always celebrate you. You, my daughter, are perfection. You are love. You are what life is all about.

Kylie Brielle, I hope today was a beautiful day in Heaven, and I hope the night stars shine brightly upon you, bathing you in light, warmth, and love. I hope that you had the most delicious chocolate cake, and I hope that you felt close to me and daddy today. I miss you dearly, and I love you with every fiber of my being. You, sweet baby girl, are my life, and I don't every want you to forget that. Happy 9 month birthday, angel. You are mommy's heart.

As always, be sweet.

Love forever and ever,

Mommy