I'd like to think that I am strong, I really would. Maybe it seems that way to others, since my biggest way of communication is through facebook. Facebook is a good way to communicate for me because it enables me to hide the tears. I can be playing any of my games on the computer, and sit here and bawl my eyes out the entire time, and no one is none the wiser.
I think it also hurts me though, because people see me on FB and they don't know what I'm really like or feeling, and so they assume that I'm good, that I'm okay, but I am so far from that... truly I am. I hurt every second of every day. When I'm talking to you about something, my mind instantly turns to Kylie: what would she be doing right now? Would I be holding her on my hip as I talk to you? Would I be holding her bottle with my chin while trying to type my response? Would she be cooing softly from her swing in the corner, or sleeping peacefully in her crib? Those things are always on my mind.
I look for her all the time... look for a flash of light that is unexplained, for an image of her face, for an orb in all photos... I look for her and desperately hope that she will show herself to me, to let me know she is with me and okay, and that she is close. Is that crazy? Maybe so.
With everything that is going on with us lately, I just think back to September and how so many things went wrong at one time... how no one would listen to me and give me teh care I needed and deserved... and since September, my life has been in a downward spiral. I really feel like I've been treading water for days, and I'm so exhausted that I can barely keep my head above the water long enough to take a deep breath... it feels like I will completely tire any minute, and then I'll sink to the bottom. I just can't handle anything else going wrong or happening....
I want to be a mom. I have always wanted to be a mom, but even now, I have my doubts. No other baby will replace my Kylie. No other baby will come close to being her. I even am afraid I won't love them like I love her, that I might build some kind of resentment towards them because they are not her. I know- what a terrible thing to think. I'm sure that when the time comes, it won't be like that, but right now, I miss her so terribly and love her so deeply and WANTED her so badly... well, I just can't help but think of those things. I didn't want a Sarah or a Mandy... I wanted Kylie... my Kylie. We picked her name for her because it was just so perfect... we were having a little princess. My life-long dream had come true, and my dream to be the first one to have a girl out of all the boys.. that came true, too... I had my daughter. I was going to be a mommy, and my life was going to be complete. I had my husband, my goddaughter, and my daughter on the way. Life was not going to get any better than that (unless of course, we were blessed with more children).
It's strange how our plans have chagned so drastically. We went from being happy-go-lucky, to trying to make it to 30 weeks, to trying to save Kylie's life, to saying goodbye, to learning to cope with the loss, to being completely lost ourselves. Now, I don't know where I'm going... I feel kind of blind.
The journey of a mother to an angel child is so much different than the journey of a mom to an earthly child, and it is so much more difficult and painful than anyone could ever imagine. I'm not saying that just to say it- I am saying it because I mean it. I would give anything to be able to wake up five times in the middle of the night with Kylie, to pick her up at every opportunity possible... I would give anything for every moment on this earth with her.
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