Grief and Relationships

Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find one good you must one hundred try. -- Claude Mermet

Ahhh... yes, I have come to a topic that is a bit touchy for some, a bit "taboo" for others, and yet, eerily important to a select few.

You see, grief is an all-consumming, life-changing thing. It's funny how I can talk about grief like I know it so well, because in all seriousness, it surprises ME every day. One day it sits quietly behind the door, and the next, it jumps out in front of me... some days it stays patiently at my heel, and others it crawls right into my skin. Some days it whispers to me softly, and others it screams inside my head. It is an unpredictable, ever-changing, very difficult process. It is not easy to explain, so I won't try, but what I do know is that my new grief has changed me. It has changed who I am, who I was going to be, who I want to be, and who I was. That person I was in September of 2009 does not exist anymore... well, maybe pieces of her exists, but that person as a whole is no longer with us. Even the person I was from October 1-15 is someone different. In September, I was a mommy-to-be, getting ready to start a new journey in my life. From October 1-15, I was Kylie's Mommy, a NICU mommy, and a mommy to the most perfect earthly daughter.

October 15-present, I am a grieving mommy to a Heavenly daughter, still Kylie's Mommy, but no longer a NICU mommy, no longer a mommy-to-be, no longer with all the same hopes and dreams. On October 15, part of my heart left me and went peacefully with my daughter as she joined the numerous ranks in Heaven... and that part of me will be empty until I join her. Ah, but what is the point you ask?

Because I am changed, because I am still changing, so have my relationships, and so have my friendships. I have become closer to some, and I have slipped further away from others. I have made new friends, and I have completely lost old friends. I have received such wonderful sympathy and empathy from so many people, but yet, some people cannot handle me needing so much, and that has affected relationships. People don't know what to do with me- they really didn't know what to do with me right after, but now that some time has passed, they are even more unsure... "Should we tell her we think she needs to move on?" or "Should we still tell her we are thinking of her?" or "She must want some time to herself. I'll leave her alone." Those are only a few of the thoughts I know people have had. It's fine; I don't know what to do with me either.

I used to be a really good friend. I would do anything for my friends, would do for them even if it meant I had to go without. Since losing Kylie, I'm a crappy friend, I think, because I have to be selfish. If I can't even take care of myself, there is no way I can take care of someone else or be there for them the way I used to. I do expect a lot of my close friends, because they were THERE. They met Kylie, they saw her live, they saw her after life. They saw me become a mom and then have my life-long dream ripped away from me. How could you not watch something like that and be affected? I'm sure i couldn't. I'm sure that if, god forbid, something like this happened to one of them, it would rip my heart out again for them- because this pain, this agony, this never-ending rollercoaster is pure HELL. It sucks.

I say this to say that I am feeling quite alone these days. It's hard to keep faith in anything or anyone anymore... because it feels like I've been let down in so many ways. God has let me down, people I care about have let me down, I have let myself down, and I'm sure there's more there... I'm tired of being let down because I expect too much, but I guess thats the thing. I should expect a lot from my friends and family, right? I should expect that they will help take care of me, since sometimes I feel I'm barely hanging on. Isn't that what friends do??

Does any of this make sense at all, or do I sound like a huge rambling mess? I just have a ton on my mind, I guess....

"If every tear we shed for you became a star above; you’d stroll in
Angel’s garden, lit by everlasting love."
~Author Unknown