On days like today, I could curl up in a corner somewhere and literally cry all day long. Some days, it seems like I've cried so much I can't cry anymore, and then other days I feel like Alice in Wonderland and the flood from Alice's tears...
You see, I feel like I'm jinxed with some bad curse, that my life has become a very cruel, yet very real, joke.
Nearly 9 months ago, I became a mommy to a precious, beautiful, perfect child. Nearly 9 months ago, I became a mommy to a precious, beautiful, perfect angel.
Since then, the medical bills haven't stopped.
Since then, my husband has had a hard time with work: he got punished (though they assured him that he was not being punished- but how do you move someone who worked his way up to his own mower back down to a weedeater all day and call that "not punishment"? Apparently, he's being harrassed by a grown man at work- and they want to blame all of what is going on at work on Chris losing Kylie! It has been so awful), and because they knowingly took him from a mower to a weedeater, fully aware of his severe allergy to poison ivy (he's been treated at the city clinic numerous times), within 3 days of him being on that crew, he was out on workman's comp for a week with severe poison ivy ALL over. Then, apparently the steroid shots they give you for the poison ivy make your immune system low, and within 3 days of being back at work, Chris had double pink eye and possibly borderline bronchitis (for the 2nd time in 2 months). And now, he's been out of work, by the time it is all over, for an additional 7 days, with NO pay. This is stressing me out a ton.
Less than two weeks ago, Chris's motor went out in his truck that we're still paying on... over $3,000 to replace it...
This week, we have discovered a HUGE water leak and mold in our house- so much so that we are now having to stay at my mom's... the insurance company called out the water restoration company, who have de-humidifiers going in the kitchen and bath- it is almost certain that the leak is in our shower. We know for sure it has ruined ALL of our lower kitchen cabinets, and it has ruined some of the drywall in the laundry room and closet- the more we search, the worse it gets. The guy who came out said it is going to be a huge claim- they even think we have a separate water leak in our spare bathroom. It looks like we will be with my parents for about a month or so- and it is so frustrating. While cleaning out my bathroom vanity, I just broke down. Just lost it.
Dealing with all of this on top of my already broken heart has just really brought me to the breaking point I haven't been at in a while. I have to be out of my home, my comfort zone, and of course, all of this is going to set us back greatly in our desire to move. Oh- another thing to upset me... the house we really wanted has been rented for at least a year- in that time, I'm sure I will find another option that I like just as much if not better... but I did love that house.
So, all of these things going on has really brought me to a new low. I just hate all these bad things that keep happening to me.
To top all that off, I didn't ovulate last month. Why did everyone tell me my PCOS symptoms would get better after having a baby? I don't see it getting better for me: I see it getting worse! I've been really swollen in my belly lately, and no period since May 1 (until today- I started today, which is not helping my emotional state or hormones)... and it just seems that I notice more or stronger symptoms every day.
All I ever wanted was to be a mom... a mom. And now, my life is such a mess I don't know which way is up.
The picture sums up me right now- you see, I am desperately trying in that photo to smile, because I am holding my baby.... but those tears are building and building, and inside, I am a wreck... a horrible, broken, mangled wreck that can't be fixed or repaired... and again, now, I feel that way... I miss Kylie terribly, and all of this other stuff on top of it, well, it just makes it ten times harder to get up in the morning.
Right now, I hate life. Not the "suicidal" type of hate- no guys, I'm not that crazy. Just the- "I'm-fed-up-what-else-can-go-wrong" hating right now... Ugh.
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