A never ending pain

My pain is never-ending,
It will always be.
You may not always see it,
but it is now a part of me.
It lives deep within me,
and resides within my heart,
This deep, life-long grieving,
with which I'll never part.
This pain is hard to describe,
It changes every day,
But it affects who I am,
in every single way.
It makes me stay up at night
so I can cry myself to sleep;
It keeps me from having fun,
for it makes me constantly weep.
It often sits quietly
Hiding behind my eyes
So that others may not see it
when it takes me by surprise.
This pain it is all-consuming,
It never goes away.
It pulls and tugs at all my bones
and reminds me it's here to stay.
It often keeps me from smiling,
and it often keeps me sad.
It has made me a different person,
and it makes me feel so bad.
This pain is hard to describe
as it is now a part of me
It lives and breathes within my soul
even if no one else sees.
I know it's there each moment
of every single day
Because it tugs and pulls at my heart
and won't ever go away.
It makes me force a smile,
when my heart is breaking in two,
and it makes me push back a cry,
if it thinks the tears are too soon.
It follows me through my day,
it always hangs over my head;
It makes me a different person,
one I almost dread.
I wish it would go away,
and leave me alone for a while,
because for once, just once, I say,
I'd like to "mean" my smile.