A glimpse of who I am

I am not always an easy person to read. I will tell you about me, the me minus the grief, and then I'll add in the me with the grief, if that makes any sense.

I am and always have been a very emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I get my feelings hurt easily. I have always cried when reading, watching TV, or watching a movie. I have always been this way.

I have a big heart. I will give and give and give, even if that means I have to go without, because I can't stand for someone to be in a bad place or situation. I have a really hard time saying "no," and even if I do say "no," I feel terribly guilty and let it eat at me for a long time after. I will do for those I care about, not because I have to or because I feel obligated, but because I WANT to. That is how I was raised- my mom will do and do and do for people and will go without. She never does anything for herself.

I have a hard time dealing with confrontations. I don't do well with being in an argument or fight with someone, and for me, it is embarrassing and hurtful. I tend to shy away or walk away- a heated argument is not for me. I also tend to avoid verbal confrontations more than any kind- I would much rather tell you how I feel in writing, because it is "safe" for me.

I am very trusting (if you're not a medical professional working on me). I trust people more than I should; it is just in my nature (again, like my mom). I will let people use me as a door mat all day long, and really, if you tell me you're going to do something, then I expect that you will.

In the same sense, I don't take my friendships lightly. I take friendships very seriously, and I do expect a LOT out of my closest friends, because I would hope that they would expect a lot from me. Close friends should be just that- CLOSE friends. I don't take my part of the bargain lightly, and I don't think others should, either.

I worry a LOT. I guess you could call it serious anxiety, and that is probably right. I will stay awake at night worrying that I didn't pay a bill, that I didn't shut the windows to my classroom, if what I said to someone sounded mean, if someone thinks I'm a bitch, etc. Stupid stuff worries me, serious stuff worries me.. it keeps me up and it keeps my stomach in knots. I worry about everything, literally.

I also take a lot of things personal. It is just how I've been. I think it has to do with how emotional and anxious I've always been. I worry what people think of me all the time, and then if something changes or is different than normal, I take it as a personal issue. I can't help it- it's just me. That in turn causes my anxiety to keep me up all night again. Things just really get to me.

I am a writer, in a ceratin sense. Writing is where I feel comfortable, where I feel I can put my words down safely, and where I feel like my words matter. Because, see, I can take the words in my mind and put them on paper and never have to speak them, but still feel like I have vocalized what was weighing on my mind. When I'm in the writing mood or the feeling just comes to me, I can spit out a poem in 10 minutes or less. When I'm in the writing mood, the words just flow.

I am a reader. I love books. I love to read and get lost in a novel, to pretend that I am part of the action. I love to become emotionally invested and so deep into a book that no one can bring me out of it. It is my escape from reality, my fantasy world. I can visualize what the author describes, and I can place myself in the action, as one of the characters, or as a bystander. I love the feeling of finishing a good book and being satisfied, or eager to read more. I am a hungry reader, I guess you could say.

I have always loved kids. My goal was to be a teacher from the time I could talk, and to also be amother. My biggest fear as I got older was the fear that I would never be able to be a mother. It was alwyas in the back of my mind (I know- what 14 year old thinks they can't be a mom? Me. That's my anxiety working in on me). When I was diagnosed with PCOS at 21, that fear became much more real to me. However, with that being said, it has always been second nature to me to be around kids, especially babies. I am not bragging, but I do have a way with kids, and they are drawn to me. I can quiet and calm the fussy babies, I can make even the rowdiest kids quiten down. I can rock and soothe, and I am a pro at putting babies to sleep. Kids are special, special people- and they need so much love and care. That has always been easy for me.

Now take all of those things (which, by the way, just give you a glimpse of me), and multiply some by 10- my anxiety, my fears, my emotional state, my taking things personally, etc... and that is who I am now. I am even more emotional, even more anxious, even more easily hurt than before. i expect even mor eout of my relationships because I need my friends.

I feel like I can't count on anyone anymore. What I need from my friends and family is to be there for me, to check in on me, to not be a "fair-weather" friend. I feel like so many people avoid me now because they don't want to be brought down by my grief or sadness, like it is too hard or depressing to be around me or to listen to me. All I need are ears to listen- I know a lot of people do not and will not ever understand what I am going through, but is it too much to ask to have people listen?

I can't call people and beg them to listen to me, or demand them to listen, but I don't feel like I can call and tell them how I feel without them asking, because apparently, I can't even talk about how I feel to some of my family members. I just don't understand why I have to tiptoe around others if I am the one who suffered the loss of MY child--why should I have to stop grieving in my own way to make someone else's grief a little easier? Why aren't people worried about how I am grieving or doing?

And even if it isn't to talk about Kylie or my grief- just normal stuff- people still avoid me because they are either 1.) afriad of Kylie coming into the conversation, 2.) afraid of upsetting me, or 3.) just not sure what to do or say anymore. I don't understand why people can't just be honest and up front with me. I've already had the worst hurt in my life, and nothing you can say or do can possibly make me feel any worse than the thought that I have to live my entire life without my daughter, that sh ewill never get to go to school, get married, and have babies. I will never get to see what her children will look like or how I will feel as a grandmother to her children, or how I will feel while planning her wedding, or the pride I would have watching her walk across teh stage to get her diploma. Nothing can hurt worse than the reality that I live in, so why won't people communicate with me? It seems that it is easier to avoid me altogether, but is that really necessary?

And you know, maybe people think I am being immature, and maybe people think that I need to "grow up." However, I have not tried to hide any of my feelings or emotions, and I am not going to alter who I am and how I deal with this horrible reality just to make someone else happy. It may sound incredibly selfish, but I cannot worry about someone else's grief while dealing with my own. I'm not saying that I don't want other people to grieve. What I am saying is that if the way I grieve upsets someone, I can't help it, because I shouldn't have to alter what I am doing to heal for someone else, because this happned to a lot of people, but no one else is Kylie's mommy. No one else carried her for 7 months, and no one else loves her like I do. I cannot try to please everyone.

And this leads me to some rambling of the night... I hate it when people do stupid things.
Co-sleeping with your baby before 2 years old is extremely dangerous. So many babies have died due to SIDS from co-sleeping. I know that there are people I know who co-sleep regularly, and it upsets me so much, because they are just toying with fate. Why would you WANT to go through the pain of losing a child? I don't care if your baby sleeps better that way or not- if you can avoid the death of a child, then AVOID IT. I just want to hit something when I hear of this stuff. I didn't get a choice. People who co-sleep with their babies do get a choice. You can put your baby in the crib/bassinett/pack-n-play/etc. You do NOT have to sleep with your child. If you get a few sleepless nights, aren't they worth the alternative? I would give anything to have my baby with me and do things the right way, and you just test fate every time you sleep with your infant.

It also upsets me when people compare their losses to mine. As a mother who has suffered a loss, it is important to me that my baby was considered a viable preemie. There was nothing "miscarriage" about it- a miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy (normally, there is not a baby to hold through that). This is no offense to anyone who has suffered a miscarriage or any other type of loss- because I'm sure you feel the same way. Kylie was alive for two weeks, and had things been different, she could still be here with us now and forever. She was born early, and would have had to do all of her growing outside the womb, but she had an 80% survival rate when born. Please don't tell me "I had a miscarriage, too, and it just broke my heart." I did NOT have a miscarriage. I had a child here, born alive, who lived for two weeks.

Also, I have a really hard time when you compare my child and yours, when it comes to "My baby was that size at 22 weeks," or "I bet my baby looks like she did at that time." Please understand I am not mad- it just breaks a piece of my heart whenever I hear things like that. I don't want to think of those things- because you have what I don't- your child.

Do pepole always say stupid things to the grieving? I hear a lot "well at least you know you can have kids!" or "you're young- you have plenty of time" or "it just wasn't mean to be." How can you say those things? I mean, come on! That's why I say "You can't fix stupid." I could never tell someone those things, especially now as I am walking down this path. None of those things will help. Also, things like "well I guess you would rather her have died then instead of living a long miserable life." I can say things like that, but you cant- because if you want to be honest, I would rather not be in this situation at all. I would have rather her been born close to her due date and living a healthy, happy life.

Love your children. Cherish the time you have with them. Don't jeopardize their lives or futures. Don't complain about parenting, because one day, you may wish you could complain. I know I will never take one of my children for granted.