Today is January 1, 2011 (as if you didn't already know). So much on my mind and heart right now...
Today is the one year anniversary of my due date with Kylie. In all actuality, I should be celebrating the first birthday of my first child on the first day of the new year... but, I am not. I can only look at her pictures, her empty nursery, and close my eyes and focus on the memories of a life that was all too short... and it breaks my heart in a million pieces that I am now into another year without her. 2009 seems so far away today... her two weeks on earth with me seem even further. I still remember almost everything like it was yesterday, but that doesn't help ease any pain I feel from not having her. I just miss her so badly, and I would give anything to have her with me. My new normal is NOT the normal I had planned for my life.
There are so many things that I want to happen in 2011, and so many things that NEED to happen in 2011.
First step is to create a non-profit in Kylie's honor so that parents will be provided with a vital resource when they leave the hospital with empty arms. This is my number one goal, even if it is just getting started with the Foundation first at Huntsville Hospital. This WILL happen.
Second step is to begin working closely with the Foundation on getting some features added into the hospital for a memorial place for parents to visit. Some parents do not have a grave to visit, or do not have a place that is dedicated to angel babies in general, and so I want to work on that with the hospital. The more support we get for this, the better chances of it happening. I would like to ask all of my friends to write a letter to Huntsville Hospital encouraging them to do a memorial garden for lost babies and pregnancies. If you write this, I'd like for you to send it to my home address so I can compile them. Please message me on Facebook, or email angelkyliesmommy@gmail.com for my address. I want them to know that even friends and family members need a quiet, beautiful place to go to remember and honor their angel baby. I would love to have a park bench or something special donated in Kylie's name so her life will continue to live on. I am hoping to get going with this in a few months, so please let me know if you plan to write a letter for me. =)
Third step (and these are in no particular order, just things I want to get done) is the March of Dimes and the March for Babies 2011. The walk is April 16, 2011 at Bridgestreet. Angel Kylie's Hope for Gavin's Miracle will be teaming up this year, and Jessica and I (along with our husbands) will be the co-heads of the team, as we are walking in memory of Kylie, and in honor of Gavin, who received his healing heart surgery within a few weeks of life. It is an honor to be able to be a part of this with my best friend. I hate that she had to walk down a path of uncertainty on the way, but I am so glad to have such a deeper connection with her. We both understand the NICU experience, and we both understand how many sacrifices NICU parents must make. We also understand the importance of funding for the MOD, because without donations, the life-saving surgery Gavin had would not have been possible, because research would not have been performed, and Kylie would not have even had a chance to live. So we are both eternally grateful for the MOD and what they have given us and our families. Look for more info on our website soon, and how to donate/join. Our initial goal will be $5,000 this year, and then we will try to exceed our last year's total of $8,049. I know we can do it!
Fourth is the obvious- to conceive our 2nd child to expand our family. A second child would be such a blessing to us, and would mean more than anyone could ever imagine. I cannot wait for the day that I can hold my own beautiful precious newborn against my chest and have the experience of motherhood that I have not yet have the honor to have.
Other things:
- We have a lot of work to do with our grief and our marriage. After my last blog, we had a very long 2 1/2 hour conversation late that night and I think that we listened to one another to get out what we needed to get out. I think it was a positive step in the right direction, but I am having some real issues trusting and believing. I guess when you've been promised something for so long, and it never happens, you become one of those "I'll believe it when I see it" kind of people. So much negative has happened in the past 2 years that that is what I've become regardless of what is going on in my marriage or personal life.
- I want to get things to a better point in my life, and I want to continue doing things to remember and memorialize my sweet baby girl. I want to focus on the beauty her life has brought and the huge impact she has made on others. I want to continue her legacy in beautiful ways. I will continue to donate to the NICU, and I want to learn how to sew so I can make blankets to donate to the NICU as well. The NICU is in desperate need of all supplies, because they have so many babies rotating through the doors... and it would be wonderful to keep them supplied with beautiful things to give to parents to offer a bit of comfort and hope.
- I want to focus on sweet Jaycee and give her the love, attention, and home she deserves. I want to help her grow and learn, and I want to get her enrolled in Pre-K. I want her to have wonderful experiences, and I want to provide her with more opportunities than imagineable.. I want her to have the best time of her life in 2011.
I don't really want to look at this as a list of New Year's Resolutions. I want to look at it as a list of hopes, dreams, and accomplishments. Regardless of the New Year, i want to do these things, so for now, I'll focus on these things and get as far as I can in 2011.
I miss you and love you so much, sweet baby girl. You are my whole heart.
Happy 15 month birthday today, Kylie Brielle!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
So why do I even bother?
Yesterday and today have been highly productive days for me, even with Jaycee home with me yesterday. I feel that I have accomplished a lot in the way of getting things done. The house is put back in order, laundry is circulating frequently, the house is cleaned up, and I have enjoyed some relaxation time with a good book.
However, I think some of this is a cover-up for what I am really feeling. And this is a very honest blog, so if you don't want to know about my trying to conceive issues, or my issues with my husband, then you might want to go ahead and read elsewhere. I am having to reach out the only way I can right now, which is through writing, because he just doesn't get it.
This is my fourth month in a row on clomid, the most I've been on a higher dosage in 3 years. This is the fourth month in a row I've had to struggle to get my husband to even come near me during the peak ovulation times. Guess how many nights we've "practiced" this month and last month? THREE. THREE. THREE. How do you get pregnant with three nights out of two months? Yes, they were all in peak ovulation times, but with how good my numbers looked last month, it should have been about TEN. But no, he's too tired, doesn't feel good, or just pissy. Sounds like a damn woman.
He doesn't understand the emptiness I feel each day without a baby to hold in my arms. He doesn't understand how I cry every night after he is long asleep because he won't even touch me, his wife. It makes me feel hideous, disgusting, and unwanted. It makes me feel lonely and empty... and it hurts. "I don't know why I don't want to" or "I'm sorry, I was tired." Those two excuses make me want to vomit. Do you not want anymore children?
It also pisses me off beyond belief because I am wasting money and time because he won't do anything. I try to talk to him about it and it becomes a big argument because he doesn't see the big deal or the bigger picture. He doesn't realize that my body is ticking away... and he's the one telling everyone that he doesn't want to limit the children he has now, that he will take as many as he can get. How the hell is that going to work if you won't do what you need to with your WIFE so she can GET pregnant?
I'm over this. I'm over the hurt, the anxiety, the pain, and the heartbreak. I am over crying myself to sleep every night because he gets in bed, rolls over, and falls asleep. He doesn't take any initiative, and he doesn't show any concern for how I feel about it. I mean, my god, it took five years to conceive Kylie. At this rate, I'll never conceive again.
I am staying so angry at him, so stressed about this, and he won't even talk to me. He ends up yelling and pissed off no matter how I approach it: calmly, tearfully, angrily. No matter what, I can't get it through to him.
I give up. I give up completely. I am done. I can't do anything else!
However, I think some of this is a cover-up for what I am really feeling. And this is a very honest blog, so if you don't want to know about my trying to conceive issues, or my issues with my husband, then you might want to go ahead and read elsewhere. I am having to reach out the only way I can right now, which is through writing, because he just doesn't get it.
This is my fourth month in a row on clomid, the most I've been on a higher dosage in 3 years. This is the fourth month in a row I've had to struggle to get my husband to even come near me during the peak ovulation times. Guess how many nights we've "practiced" this month and last month? THREE. THREE. THREE. How do you get pregnant with three nights out of two months? Yes, they were all in peak ovulation times, but with how good my numbers looked last month, it should have been about TEN. But no, he's too tired, doesn't feel good, or just pissy. Sounds like a damn woman.
He doesn't understand the emptiness I feel each day without a baby to hold in my arms. He doesn't understand how I cry every night after he is long asleep because he won't even touch me, his wife. It makes me feel hideous, disgusting, and unwanted. It makes me feel lonely and empty... and it hurts. "I don't know why I don't want to" or "I'm sorry, I was tired." Those two excuses make me want to vomit. Do you not want anymore children?
It also pisses me off beyond belief because I am wasting money and time because he won't do anything. I try to talk to him about it and it becomes a big argument because he doesn't see the big deal or the bigger picture. He doesn't realize that my body is ticking away... and he's the one telling everyone that he doesn't want to limit the children he has now, that he will take as many as he can get. How the hell is that going to work if you won't do what you need to with your WIFE so she can GET pregnant?
I'm over this. I'm over the hurt, the anxiety, the pain, and the heartbreak. I am over crying myself to sleep every night because he gets in bed, rolls over, and falls asleep. He doesn't take any initiative, and he doesn't show any concern for how I feel about it. I mean, my god, it took five years to conceive Kylie. At this rate, I'll never conceive again.
I am staying so angry at him, so stressed about this, and he won't even talk to me. He ends up yelling and pissed off no matter how I approach it: calmly, tearfully, angrily. No matter what, I can't get it through to him.
I give up. I give up completely. I am done. I can't do anything else!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Christmas 2010
Christmas has come and gone, and admittedly, this year was much easier to get through than last year. Last year, I was so raw. This year, I was able to hold in a lot of my emotion, which is kind of funny to say, since a few gifts got me good, and I ended up a crying mess.
Christmas Eve was full of tears for me compared to Christmas Day. I spent most of Friday morning just bawling my eyes out. I guess it's good that I got it out before then, because I might have cried through every part of Christmas if not. It didn't help that my parents weren't exactly getting along. That distracted me, too.
Christmas morning, we woke up before Jaycee and then went to wake her around 6:30. The sight of snow just thrilled me- there were at least 2 inches already, and you couldn't see the road at all. It was absolutely breath-taking. When I said "Jaycee, it's snowing!" she didn't even move. When I said "Jaycee, Santa came to see you!!!"... she jumped straight up and said "YAY!". =)
This was the part I had been looking forward to for over a month- Jaycee's face when she saw all of her presents. She noticed the kitchen first, and then she was just in awe- there was so much more! She picked things up, dumped her stocking, and made a big to-do over her gifts. She said "Oh, I wanted this!" and "I love it!" and "Santa brought me this!". We then handed out presents and opened our gifts.
From us, Jaycee got some clothes, a V-tech laptop, some books for her TAG reader, some regular books, a littlest Pet Shop play set, a princess CD player... man, we just went a bit overboard!
I got Chris his hot chocolate machine that he really wanted, and that was a lot of fun to do! I also got Chris some new Tim McGraw Southern Blend cologne, and a new trimmer/shave set.
Chris was so good to me and got me pretty much EVERYTHING on my list- butterfly earrings, a nice day planner, a new sticker for my car in memory of Kylie, and Eclipse... I felt really special!
After all that... Jaycee had to find a special present in the tree from Santa- a ballerina necklace!
As we finished unwrapping, Santa was outside our driveway! Chris held Jaycee up to see him, and we talked to him. Jaycee said THANK YOU, SANTA! MERRY CHRISTMAS! =) It was a beautiful addition to the day, and a memory that will not be soon forgotten. To be honest, it was quite magical, and it had me excited and giddy!
We then headed to my mom's. A trip that should take 7-8 minutes took over 20!!! But the scenery was absolutely perfect- it was just like it had come straight from a postcard. The snow sitting on the branches of trees... I was truly lost in a Winter Wonderland.
My parents never cease to amaze me. I wasn't expecting much this year, but they went above and beyond to give us the best gifts ever. I was okay until I opened the gift from my mom that was a Hallmark Willow Tree gift set... the wording was just such that I knew it was for Kylie. Then, my sister gave me my pink Kylie tree... 4 ft pre-lit with white lights... I am so thankful for all my gifts. No one forgot to include Kylie again.. and that meant so much. Jaycee got a tricycle and a Leapster 2, along with all kinds of cute clothes, pajamas, and other toys. She was so gracious for all of it... and that meant so much.
Mom bought all the guys Nerf dart guns... man oh man, that was something else! She also got my dad an Auburn #2 jersey- and he was SHOCKED with that one =).
At that point, Jaycee and Chris left to go to his mother's house, as I do not go to any of his family's events. This is due to the fact that last year, we had a very big falling out. It just makes it easier for me to get through the holidays without having to deal with them. There are lots of bad memories and feelings there.
This year, we did a lot of things different. Because of the snow and other things, we ate dinner at almost 2, compared to 12. We also did Dirty Santa for the adults instead of eveyrone buying for everyone else. It really made it worth while, and started some new, fun traditions. My Uncle Frank bought Jaycee the Dancing/singing Dora- and you would have thought she won the lottery! Between Dora and the Baby Alive that my grandparents bought her, she didn't know what to play with first. Jaycee also got all of the stuff to give her a complete theme for her bedroom: Tinkerbell!!!!!
It was also a blessing to have my grandparents there. Granny's dementia and Parkinson's has gotten so much worse, and sometimes, I wonder if she really recognizes us or knows who we are. It is heart breaking to see her struggle to talk, to remember, to finish a sentence, to walk, to move. It is so hard to watch her struggle to eat, struggle to drink.. and it is equally as difficult to see my granddaddy's reaction to her condition...
But Granny didn't forget one important part of Christmas tradition, which is one of her FAVORITE things: our paper ball fight! =) She threw paper at us kids... and she struggled so hard to throw it, but she knew what she was doing. At one point, Jon and Uncle Mark dumped the whole bag of paper on Daddy's head...
Then, we played in the snow. The wind wasn't terrible, so it was very bearable outside. The guys had a serious snowball fight, and then Jaycee teamed up with Ashley, Jon, and her daddy to build Herman the snowman...
By the time we got home, we were full, exhausted, and overwhelmed.
There was not a moment in the day that Kylie wasn't in the back of my mind. We didn't get to go visit her because of the snow, but we saw her Christmas Eve, and then we saw her in the snow yesterday. My little princess sent us a beautiful gift that lasted the weekend, and it was such a sweet blessing to receive.
So, we made it. It was tolerable, but I still ache for my little girl. It is important that no one forgets her, and my family showed me that she was just as much on their minds and hearts as she was on mine.
I hope everyone else had a good Christmas...
Christmas Eve was full of tears for me compared to Christmas Day. I spent most of Friday morning just bawling my eyes out. I guess it's good that I got it out before then, because I might have cried through every part of Christmas if not. It didn't help that my parents weren't exactly getting along. That distracted me, too.
Christmas morning, we woke up before Jaycee and then went to wake her around 6:30. The sight of snow just thrilled me- there were at least 2 inches already, and you couldn't see the road at all. It was absolutely breath-taking. When I said "Jaycee, it's snowing!" she didn't even move. When I said "Jaycee, Santa came to see you!!!"... she jumped straight up and said "YAY!". =)
This was the part I had been looking forward to for over a month- Jaycee's face when she saw all of her presents. She noticed the kitchen first, and then she was just in awe- there was so much more! She picked things up, dumped her stocking, and made a big to-do over her gifts. She said "Oh, I wanted this!" and "I love it!" and "Santa brought me this!". We then handed out presents and opened our gifts.
From us, Jaycee got some clothes, a V-tech laptop, some books for her TAG reader, some regular books, a littlest Pet Shop play set, a princess CD player... man, we just went a bit overboard!
I got Chris his hot chocolate machine that he really wanted, and that was a lot of fun to do! I also got Chris some new Tim McGraw Southern Blend cologne, and a new trimmer/shave set.
Chris was so good to me and got me pretty much EVERYTHING on my list- butterfly earrings, a nice day planner, a new sticker for my car in memory of Kylie, and Eclipse... I felt really special!
After all that... Jaycee had to find a special present in the tree from Santa- a ballerina necklace!
As we finished unwrapping, Santa was outside our driveway! Chris held Jaycee up to see him, and we talked to him. Jaycee said THANK YOU, SANTA! MERRY CHRISTMAS! =) It was a beautiful addition to the day, and a memory that will not be soon forgotten. To be honest, it was quite magical, and it had me excited and giddy!
We then headed to my mom's. A trip that should take 7-8 minutes took over 20!!! But the scenery was absolutely perfect- it was just like it had come straight from a postcard. The snow sitting on the branches of trees... I was truly lost in a Winter Wonderland.
My parents never cease to amaze me. I wasn't expecting much this year, but they went above and beyond to give us the best gifts ever. I was okay until I opened the gift from my mom that was a Hallmark Willow Tree gift set... the wording was just such that I knew it was for Kylie. Then, my sister gave me my pink Kylie tree... 4 ft pre-lit with white lights... I am so thankful for all my gifts. No one forgot to include Kylie again.. and that meant so much. Jaycee got a tricycle and a Leapster 2, along with all kinds of cute clothes, pajamas, and other toys. She was so gracious for all of it... and that meant so much.
Mom bought all the guys Nerf dart guns... man oh man, that was something else! She also got my dad an Auburn #2 jersey- and he was SHOCKED with that one =).
At that point, Jaycee and Chris left to go to his mother's house, as I do not go to any of his family's events. This is due to the fact that last year, we had a very big falling out. It just makes it easier for me to get through the holidays without having to deal with them. There are lots of bad memories and feelings there.
This year, we did a lot of things different. Because of the snow and other things, we ate dinner at almost 2, compared to 12. We also did Dirty Santa for the adults instead of eveyrone buying for everyone else. It really made it worth while, and started some new, fun traditions. My Uncle Frank bought Jaycee the Dancing/singing Dora- and you would have thought she won the lottery! Between Dora and the Baby Alive that my grandparents bought her, she didn't know what to play with first. Jaycee also got all of the stuff to give her a complete theme for her bedroom: Tinkerbell!!!!!
It was also a blessing to have my grandparents there. Granny's dementia and Parkinson's has gotten so much worse, and sometimes, I wonder if she really recognizes us or knows who we are. It is heart breaking to see her struggle to talk, to remember, to finish a sentence, to walk, to move. It is so hard to watch her struggle to eat, struggle to drink.. and it is equally as difficult to see my granddaddy's reaction to her condition...
But Granny didn't forget one important part of Christmas tradition, which is one of her FAVORITE things: our paper ball fight! =) She threw paper at us kids... and she struggled so hard to throw it, but she knew what she was doing. At one point, Jon and Uncle Mark dumped the whole bag of paper on Daddy's head...
Then, we played in the snow. The wind wasn't terrible, so it was very bearable outside. The guys had a serious snowball fight, and then Jaycee teamed up with Ashley, Jon, and her daddy to build Herman the snowman...
By the time we got home, we were full, exhausted, and overwhelmed.
There was not a moment in the day that Kylie wasn't in the back of my mind. We didn't get to go visit her because of the snow, but we saw her Christmas Eve, and then we saw her in the snow yesterday. My little princess sent us a beautiful gift that lasted the weekend, and it was such a sweet blessing to receive.
So, we made it. It was tolerable, but I still ache for my little girl. It is important that no one forgets her, and my family showed me that she was just as much on their minds and hearts as she was on mine.
I hope everyone else had a good Christmas...
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Eve and Kylie Brielle
Christmas is so hard. It's hard to think about in some ways, because Chris insisted that we would be in the hospital on Christmas, meeting our beautiful new baby girl, and she would be a beautiful Christmas gift to us. That didn't happen...
It's so hard because my due date was January 1, 2010. It's almost been a year since my due date, and so many things are still so difficult to stomach/handle. I think about what she would look like, who she would look like, what she would be learning, who she would act like...
It's so hard to live my life without my beautiful angel. It's so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other without Kylie here to hold my heart together. I feel so vulnerable, so weak, and so broken. It's like I'm the broken toy that is forgotten in the corner, the one that can't really be fixed, but no one has the heart to just throw it away. I feel fragile...
I miss my sweet girl so much today. I ache for her to be in my arms. I ache for another child. I ache for my draems to come true. I ache to wake up from this nightmare that is parenting from Earth to a child in Heaven.
I just wish my story had turned out the way I had planned... why was that too much to ask?
Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant just upsets me these days, because they are just kids having kids, and they are bringing children into poor environments without money, a safe place, etc. (for the most part), and I just wanted ONE baby, healthy to bring home,a nd I can't even get that... it's not fair.
so this Christmas, remember those parents who have empty arms, who are longing to reunite with their babies who have gone to Heaven... remember those parents who have struggled for years with infertility to bring a child of their own into the world... and remember those who are never able to bring home the baby they have always dreamed of.
Now, I fall into two categories... infertility and empty arms from a baby gone to Heaven.
I hate my body, and I hate this fate that has been bestowed upon me. If Kylie was here, everything would be fine.
Everything would be fine.
I love you, Kylie Brielle, more than you will ever know, and I anxiously await the day when I once more hold you close to me.
It's so hard because my due date was January 1, 2010. It's almost been a year since my due date, and so many things are still so difficult to stomach/handle. I think about what she would look like, who she would look like, what she would be learning, who she would act like...
It's so hard to live my life without my beautiful angel. It's so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other without Kylie here to hold my heart together. I feel so vulnerable, so weak, and so broken. It's like I'm the broken toy that is forgotten in the corner, the one that can't really be fixed, but no one has the heart to just throw it away. I feel fragile...
I miss my sweet girl so much today. I ache for her to be in my arms. I ache for another child. I ache for my draems to come true. I ache to wake up from this nightmare that is parenting from Earth to a child in Heaven.
I just wish my story had turned out the way I had planned... why was that too much to ask?
Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant just upsets me these days, because they are just kids having kids, and they are bringing children into poor environments without money, a safe place, etc. (for the most part), and I just wanted ONE baby, healthy to bring home,a nd I can't even get that... it's not fair.
so this Christmas, remember those parents who have empty arms, who are longing to reunite with their babies who have gone to Heaven... remember those parents who have struggled for years with infertility to bring a child of their own into the world... and remember those who are never able to bring home the baby they have always dreamed of.
Now, I fall into two categories... infertility and empty arms from a baby gone to Heaven.
I hate my body, and I hate this fate that has been bestowed upon me. If Kylie was here, everything would be fine.
Everything would be fine.
I love you, Kylie Brielle, more than you will ever know, and I anxiously await the day when I once more hold you close to me.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Almost January 1...
So January first is just around the corner. I am having a hard time with it already, because I am still not done with the one year marks...
January 1 marks one year from my original due date with Kylie. The day she should have been born, the day she should have entered the world happy and healthy with no complications.
January 1 will always be another one of those days. It's hard because there are so many days for me.
The first of each month, because that was when she was born, and also, her due date.
The fifteenth of each month because that is the day she passed.
The eighteenth of each month because that is the day we laid her to rest.
October 1, October 15, October 18, and January 1 will always be hard regardless.
Yes, I know Christmas is coming, and don't worry- I'm dreading that too.
My mom has put a few bugs in a few ears that I wanted a pink Christmas tree for Kylie for Christmas- I want a pink tree with a lime green bow... I think it will be perfect, so I am really hoping that I get it.
Just one day at a time, I guess... one day at a time.
January 1 marks one year from my original due date with Kylie. The day she should have been born, the day she should have entered the world happy and healthy with no complications.
January 1 will always be another one of those days. It's hard because there are so many days for me.
The first of each month, because that was when she was born, and also, her due date.
The fifteenth of each month because that is the day she passed.
The eighteenth of each month because that is the day we laid her to rest.
October 1, October 15, October 18, and January 1 will always be hard regardless.
Yes, I know Christmas is coming, and don't worry- I'm dreading that too.
My mom has put a few bugs in a few ears that I wanted a pink Christmas tree for Kylie for Christmas- I want a pink tree with a lime green bow... I think it will be perfect, so I am really hoping that I get it.
Just one day at a time, I guess... one day at a time.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
14 months
My dearest Kylie Brielle,
Sweet angel, fourteen months ago today, you left pain and suffering to enter eternal happiness. Unfortunately, as you became safe forever, I entered my own realm of pain, emptiness, and suffering. Please don't think I blame you, because I would NEVER do that. Nothing is your fault, sweet baby. You are the most innocent, perfect child, and I am so thankful for the gift of your life.
For 26 weeks, 5 days, I carried you. I carried you, nourished you, and loved you endlessly. I felt you move and grow, and I talked to you day in and day out. I made plans for you, I picked out things for you to have, and I prepared for a newborn baby, a perfect little bundle of joy in pink.
For two weeks exactly, I watched you grow in the NICU. I watched you kick your long legs, open your gorgeous blue eyes, and breathe through a ventilator. I heard your heart beat, I fed you through a feeding tube, and I took your temperature. I did not get to change your diaper, bathe you, or feed you a bottle. I didn't get to hear your cry, see your smile, or hold you close to me and feel your heart beat with mine.
For fourteen months exactly, I have missed you, loved you, and ached for you. I have wondered countless times who you would look like now, what you would be like, and what new things you would be doing. I have prayed, begged, pleaded, cried, screamed, and yelled. Not one day has gone by that I haven't thought about you.
As a parent, I hoped for several things. One was that I would be able to teach you the things you needed to know to make it in this world. Another was that you would be able to make a name for yourself and become an important contributor to society in your own way. Also, I wanted you to be YOU, and to be an individual, who is unique and wonderful.
Instead, you have taught me some things that I needed to know to make it in this world. What, you might ask? You have taught me a mother's love, a love that I would not know in such depth if it weren't for you. You have taught me to help others, to reach out if I need help, and to believe in special organizations who gave you a chance at a life. You have definitely made a name for yourself; you are touching so many lives, and it is just amazing to see what kind of impact you, my child, have on others. It is truly breath-taking. And, of course, you are YOU, an individual, who is unique and wonderful in more ways than I could ever tell you.
I wish I could tell you that things are easier for me. I wish I could tell you that I have accepted that it is what it is, and move on. I wish I could tell you that it doesn't hurt as bad as it did fourteen months ago, and that I know I can make it the rest of my life. I just can't do that. The pain sometimes hurts so desperately that I don't know what to do, how to handle it, or where to turn.
No matter how I feel, or where my grief is on any particular day, I am ALWAYS thankful for you. I am always thankful for your life, your love, and your birth. You will NEVER, EVER be forgotten, and I will ALWAYS love you more than you will ever know.
You are my heart and soul, and I love you so, so much. I miss you every day.
Thank you for coming to bake cookies with us on Friday. It was the most special thing to see you in so many of our pictures. You are truly, truly a blessing. Thank you for being mine.
Love forever and ever,
Your Mommy
Sweet angel, fourteen months ago today, you left pain and suffering to enter eternal happiness. Unfortunately, as you became safe forever, I entered my own realm of pain, emptiness, and suffering. Please don't think I blame you, because I would NEVER do that. Nothing is your fault, sweet baby. You are the most innocent, perfect child, and I am so thankful for the gift of your life.
For 26 weeks, 5 days, I carried you. I carried you, nourished you, and loved you endlessly. I felt you move and grow, and I talked to you day in and day out. I made plans for you, I picked out things for you to have, and I prepared for a newborn baby, a perfect little bundle of joy in pink.
For two weeks exactly, I watched you grow in the NICU. I watched you kick your long legs, open your gorgeous blue eyes, and breathe through a ventilator. I heard your heart beat, I fed you through a feeding tube, and I took your temperature. I did not get to change your diaper, bathe you, or feed you a bottle. I didn't get to hear your cry, see your smile, or hold you close to me and feel your heart beat with mine.
For fourteen months exactly, I have missed you, loved you, and ached for you. I have wondered countless times who you would look like now, what you would be like, and what new things you would be doing. I have prayed, begged, pleaded, cried, screamed, and yelled. Not one day has gone by that I haven't thought about you.
As a parent, I hoped for several things. One was that I would be able to teach you the things you needed to know to make it in this world. Another was that you would be able to make a name for yourself and become an important contributor to society in your own way. Also, I wanted you to be YOU, and to be an individual, who is unique and wonderful.
Instead, you have taught me some things that I needed to know to make it in this world. What, you might ask? You have taught me a mother's love, a love that I would not know in such depth if it weren't for you. You have taught me to help others, to reach out if I need help, and to believe in special organizations who gave you a chance at a life. You have definitely made a name for yourself; you are touching so many lives, and it is just amazing to see what kind of impact you, my child, have on others. It is truly breath-taking. And, of course, you are YOU, an individual, who is unique and wonderful in more ways than I could ever tell you.
I wish I could tell you that things are easier for me. I wish I could tell you that I have accepted that it is what it is, and move on. I wish I could tell you that it doesn't hurt as bad as it did fourteen months ago, and that I know I can make it the rest of my life. I just can't do that. The pain sometimes hurts so desperately that I don't know what to do, how to handle it, or where to turn.
No matter how I feel, or where my grief is on any particular day, I am ALWAYS thankful for you. I am always thankful for your life, your love, and your birth. You will NEVER, EVER be forgotten, and I will ALWAYS love you more than you will ever know.
You are my heart and soul, and I love you so, so much. I miss you every day.
Thank you for coming to bake cookies with us on Friday. It was the most special thing to see you in so many of our pictures. You are truly, truly a blessing. Thank you for being mine.
Love forever and ever,
Your Mommy
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Does anyone understand?
After last night's post, there were several sweet comments made to me, and I greatly, greatly appreciate that. However, I did realize that some took it as a "God-bashing" session, or that they felt the need to witness to me because they didn't think I knew who God really was.
Unless you have walked in my shoes and have gone down the path of losing a child, especially your newborn, premature baby that you tried for FIVE years to conceive, then you don't get to decide where my faith is or where it was. I understand you want to help, but that only makes it WORSE.
There are stages of grief, and unfortunately, the stages are not neat stairs with even steps. You go back and forth, you go to good days and bad days, and your emotions are everywhere. I am 14 months tomorrow from losing my daughter. That's just a little over a year. I am entitled to have bad days. I am entitled to feel how I feel. I am entitled to be mad at God.
What really troubles me is that some people feel that telling me that a child is not really a "gift" but a "loan from God" will make me feel better. That doesn't explain why some people keep their children and others don't. It certainly doesn't help ease my pain.
What I need from everyone is to understand that I am not going to be fixed over night. I am not going to be all of a sudden fine when an invisible timer goes off and says "Okay, you're done grieving now." I am living with a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and if I can't use my own blog to vent how I feel and get some of that pressure off my chest and relieve some stress and anxiety, then where am I supposed to be able to do it? I want you to look at what you have done: you have judged me based on a life-altering experience. You don't know where my faith was before, you don't really know where it is now, and you don't know where it will be when the anger goes away.
I feel very judged and picked on.... I feel like the only thing most everyone pays attention to is the fact that I am mad at God. Doesn't anyone realize that I'm trying to sort my feelings out, that I'm trying to get a handle on my miserable, lonely life? Doesn't anyone care that there is more to my blog post than God?
Now I'm afraid to post anymore...
Unless you have walked in my shoes and have gone down the path of losing a child, especially your newborn, premature baby that you tried for FIVE years to conceive, then you don't get to decide where my faith is or where it was. I understand you want to help, but that only makes it WORSE.
There are stages of grief, and unfortunately, the stages are not neat stairs with even steps. You go back and forth, you go to good days and bad days, and your emotions are everywhere. I am 14 months tomorrow from losing my daughter. That's just a little over a year. I am entitled to have bad days. I am entitled to feel how I feel. I am entitled to be mad at God.
What really troubles me is that some people feel that telling me that a child is not really a "gift" but a "loan from God" will make me feel better. That doesn't explain why some people keep their children and others don't. It certainly doesn't help ease my pain.
What I need from everyone is to understand that I am not going to be fixed over night. I am not going to be all of a sudden fine when an invisible timer goes off and says "Okay, you're done grieving now." I am living with a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and if I can't use my own blog to vent how I feel and get some of that pressure off my chest and relieve some stress and anxiety, then where am I supposed to be able to do it? I want you to look at what you have done: you have judged me based on a life-altering experience. You don't know where my faith was before, you don't really know where it is now, and you don't know where it will be when the anger goes away.
I feel very judged and picked on.... I feel like the only thing most everyone pays attention to is the fact that I am mad at God. Doesn't anyone realize that I'm trying to sort my feelings out, that I'm trying to get a handle on my miserable, lonely life? Doesn't anyone care that there is more to my blog post than God?
Now I'm afraid to post anymore...
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