Sticks and stones...

"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me."

Anyone agree with this? Because I don't. I may be 28 years old, but I wear my heart on my sleeve, and words DO hurt. Probably more than breaking bones sometimes, and I should know; I've broken at least 6!

I often tend to think more of others than they think of me. I treasure friendships and love to do nice things for people, regardless of what I get in return. My mom has been a good role model in that; she does and does and does for others because her heart is pure and kind. I try to do the same. I will cook for you, give you what I can, when I can, and however I can. I will give because that is what I do. I don't expect things in return, and I don't expect to be compensated. I love to do for others.

In life, we have all made poor decisions. Some decisions affect us long term, some do not. As newly weds, Chris and I made some bad decisions, which still affect us today, but we have worked so hard in the past several years to overcome those bad decisions, and I am very proud of where it has put us.

And, we have had the worst of the worst happen to us. No one anticipates having to bury their child, and that is something that has changed our lives and our home forever. Costs that we did not plan for, situations we did not plan for, life that we did not plan for. The stress has taken it's toll on us health wise and financial wise. Chris has struggled with his health, and part of it I think is from internalizing his grief and not knowing how to deal with it all. Stress can cause so many problems, and unfortunately, we have both suffered from it. It is normal, but everything seems to add up.

I guess since losing Kylie I am extremely emotional, more so than before, because I feel like less of a mom, less of a woman, and less of a person because I couldn't carry my child full term, because I couldn't help her and protect her, and because I couldn't do for her what I needed to do. I feel like I am a bit more protective of Jaycee and Bryleigh now because of all we have been through, and so, yeah, I do get hurt and upset and broken hearted when words hurt.

Words can be like a knife, especially when you are clueless as to what you have done that is so wrong, and you would do anything to figure out why you deserve the pain and the hurt that those words cause. I feel like a doormat a lot of times, and I would give anything to know what I have done so horrible. And you know, words aren't always directed to one person in particular, but the things that people say sometimes make you wonder if they would ever really understand you and where you are coming from, or if they even cared. Words are painful. Yes, I take things personally, but that is just how I am. I am a people-pleaser; I want people to be happy with me and I want to make others happy. Maybe I just am not good at that, I don't know. But still... words hurt. Words break hearts. Words are powerful. I just wish I didn't have to wonder about words and how they were meant for me.