A little perspective

Being a mother is truly my life's greatest blessing and joy. Being a mother to THREE beautiful girls is something I only imagined in my wildest dreams. Jaycee, Kylie, and Bryleigh are three very unique, very different, incredibly special little girls who have all changed my life for the better. My journey to motherhood has taken me places I never imagined I'd go, and though my story isn't completely happy, my story is just that: MY story.

Tonight, I am so thankful for the opportunity to mother my girls. I am so grateful that I am able to care for each child (albeit differently) and love each child individually. I am grateful that God gave me the ability to rationalize, to nurture, to soothe, to laugh, to love, to be bold, to be independent, to be strong, to be compassionate, to be hopeful, to be soft hearted... I am so thankful that I am equipped with so many differing abilities and emotions that make me the mother I am. My life is complete with my ability to mother my children.

Bryleigh is 8 months old, and I can probably count on one hand the amount of time I have left her with someone, including my husband, and none of those times, that I remember, was to "go out". Because let's face it, my job right now, #1 job, is to care for and provide for my children. If you have young children at home, you shouldn't be out clubbing every weekend, getting drunk all the time, always pawning off your kids on someone else. My kids are with me. The times that I left Bryleigh were because I had all day dance recital rehearsal, I was a parent panel presenter at a bereavement conference, we went to RTS support group.

I love spending time with my kids- I couldn't imagine not having them. Heck, it took me over 4 months to leave her in the church nursery! It isn't because I don't trust them, it's because I cherish my time with Bryleigh. I love to cuddle and snuggle with the girls, I love to watch them grow and develop. We spend a lot of time cuddled up on the couch because it's what we like to do- we talk and giggle and laugh and love each other. Hugs and kisses are a big part of my household. My life is consummed now with the thoughts of "how many bottles will we need to have ready today?" and "Do I need to buy more diapers?" and "I wonder if Jaycee will ever find those tiny Barbie shoes..." My life is just wonderful this way. I don't want my girls to grow up; I want to keep them this way forever! Each of them brings so much joy to life.

That being said, I have decided that stressing about some things just aren't worth my time. I stress about my dirty house. Well, you know what? My dirty house is a sign that it is lived in well, and that there is a lot of love in this house. We have food on the table, toys for the kids to play with, clothes to cover our bodies, and a safe roof over our heads. I think we're doing okay. I stress about money. Well, guess what? Our bills are paid. God always provides. Hopefully I can let go of some of that anxiety.

I stress about friendships/relationships. I have realized that I have what I need right here at home. I have my husband, my girls, and I have God. Yes, I have family and friends. But I cannot control those relationships. I can control what is right here in my house and what I have in front of me. I love my family and friends dearly, but I HAVE to stop stressing about what they think of me, why, and what they do or don't include me in or participate in with me. I have to say that I am going to have the hardest time with that. I get my feelings hurt easily, and I just don't have time to wallow in self-pity about it. I just wish that things like this were a little easier.

All in all, I am a lucky girl. I have the most perfect, beautiful guardian angel in the world. Yes, I miss her terribly, but my gracious, I know I will always be protected, and by my daughter! How many people can say that? Too many, but not many all in the same breath.

Today, I am reminded that some stresses aren't worth my time. I have my girls, and I have my husband. We have a house, cars, and jobs. We have family and friends. I won't let someone take away my joy just because they themselves are miserable, right?

So tonight, I am grateful for my kids and being a mother. It is a hard job, yes, but it is so rewarding and special. My time right now is to focus on my kiddos and to focus on my family.

Tomorrow, I'll share updates of what's going on and where we're going with some things for Kylie!