Pure Mommy Love

Tonight, I was able to attend my first RTS meeting in a few months. It is amazing to me when I go what kind of perspective I get on myself, my life, my grief journey, and my motherhood. I always feel much better when I am in a safe place to talk about my sweet Kylie, where no judgements are made, no hard feelings are created, and no pain is gained from sharing her story. I always feel important, validated, and accepted. It is amazing what a difference several years can make. 2 1/2 years ago, at this time, I was a horrible mess. My life was in shambles, my world was shattered, and my soul was severed. Today, I have come a very, very long way in my journey of grief.

Today, I can talk about Kylie without bursting into tears. I can share her life with a smile, and I can present to others the amazing things I am doing in her memory, and I can laugh over the cute little things she did in her brief time on earth. I can share her life and not break down. Today, I can smile with pride, I can share her with a  new-found joy. Kylie is one of my biggest heroes. She has taught me so much about being a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a good person in general. Kylie has taught me the gift of giving, and of doing for others. Because of Kylie, I am a totally different person today. I am grateful for her life, albeit short. I am thankful for the opportunity to be her mother. Let's face it, I am so lucky to have such a perfect angel watching me and protecting me each and every day.

There is one thing I have never doubted, even in my darkest days of grief: I have never doubted that Kylie knew how  much I loved her. I have NEVER doubted for one second. I know she knows my love for her, and I know she loved me. When she opened her eyes and looked into mine, I knew at that moment that nothing in the world would ever compare to that feeling... that feeling of complete and total innocent, pure, no-boundaries love. She loved me for being her mother. Even on her sickest days, and in her last moments, she held on for me. She let go for me. She fought and valiantly bowed out for me. You see, Kylie was braver than I could be. But yet, she LOVED me, for being her mommy. No words ever had to come out of her tiny little lips, because I saw it in her eyes. She loved me, and she loved me deeply. Her acknowledgement of my voice, my presence, my touch... all of those things validated that. And I am so, so deeply thankful for those two precious, priceless weeks with my little princess.

I fought so hard for her safety, her health, and her happiness. I fought so hard for her to stay with us here on earth. I did everything in my power, because I loved her, to give her a chance at life. Even today, my love for her is so great, and I would do anything to give her a chance at life. However, that is not what God had planned for her, and now, I accept that. Kylie opened the door to a future I never would have planned for myself, but here I am, with this precious little family and all of these opportunities to serve and do for others.

Tonight, when we got home from picking Jaycee and Bryleigh up from my parents' house, Jaycee said, "Mommy, I want to spend some time with you. I missed you so much while you were in town!" My heart melted, and I sat on the couch. Jaycee climbed into my lap and said, "will you hold me like a baby?" So my big five year old girl curled up to me, and I held her and rocked her like a baby, while my heart nearly leaped with joy and love right out of my chest. This little girl knows how to melt my heart in ways I never knew possible. She is so sweet, so kind, so full of love, and she shows me in the most precious of ways how  much she loves me. I don't think I could ever put into words how grateful I am to have her in my life, and how much she taught me about being a mother and loving unconditionally. So many people would not have taken in a child in the situation we have been in for fear of growing attached and then having to say goodbye. However, I have NEVER regretted our decision to have Jaycee in our home and in our lives. She is our daughter, and she is a very special part of this family. Her love has taught me that a mother's bond is far beyond blood and birthing. A mother's love stretches to boundaries unimaginable... and for that, I am forever  grateful to her. Every kiss, every hug, every "I love you," is just another stamp of joy in my life map.

And my beautiful Bryleigh, who has given me the joy of motherhood the way I always envisioned it and then some... I am so in awe of the fact that she was perfectly healthy and happy when born, and that everything I felt "robbed" of before, I got to do with her. And life is amazing with her in it. Every day, Bryleigh's smile when she sees me makes my heart melt into a big ole gushy puddle. It takes my breath away to watch her sleep on my chest, or to watch her wake up and see me there while she breaks into this huge grin... this baby girl is unbelievably sweet and loving! The life I have with her in it is such a wonderful place. She has proven that life isn't about money, or what you have, or where you're going... it is about the love you have and the people in it. She loves unconditionally as well, and she reminds me so much of Kylie at times. She even looks like her! I can imagine that if Kylie was still with us, she would look much the same as Bryleigh does... and that makes me smile. Bryleigh has a very studious, serious side, and that makes me smile, because I know she is that way for a reason- one of the many reasons I love her so much.

Each of these children are so important to me and make me who I am today. Kylie affects each relationship I have in life, including those with my surviving and future children, and that is a good thing. Since Kylie's birth and death, I appreciate everything so much more. I appreciate time, people, belongings, things, events... everything has much more meaning and importance than ever before. I embrace things I never used to embrace, and I try not to take things for granted. My life, with my children, is much better than it could have ever been without children. Being a mother is truly a gift from God.

Since Kylie's birth, our lives have been full of some scary and difficult situations. It seems like when it rains it pours, but I am trying to keep my head up and be positive about things. We have really been working on our finances and getting our credit in order from poor decisions as newlyweds all those years ago. Chris's truck was out of commission for over 2 years and then we had several months of struggling with getting the motor problem taken care of. Chris has had two or more seizures in the past year and a half (almost two now) and was out of work. Losing Kylie kept me out of work for 3 months+, and I missed 9 weeks with Bryleigh (and had no sick time left from being out with Kylie). Chris and I have both had our gallbladders out in the same time period. My granny was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, dementia, and Parkinson's and in the last year has been moved to a nursing home, where her health has steadily declined. My granddaddy was diagnosed with blastic plasmacytoid dendritic neoplasm, a very, very rare leukemia type cancer. My daddy had a heart attack last February. My uncle has congestive heart failure and is now on dialysis as well. Bryleigh was admitted to the hospital at less than 3 months old. Chris was out on workman's comp for a shoulder injury, and now he needs knee surgery. Due to my maternity leave, my paycheck is significantly from this past Feb until the end of August, which is a huge cut, basically the amount of our house payment. It seems like a lot has happened, and we are trying desperately to overcome some of the negative to bring out the positive. Chris and I are trying to do the best we can to provide for our family the best way we know how. However, we can offer something to our children that so many children lack, and that is LOVE. Our kids know they are loved and cared for. They don't want for anything, though they may not have the same things that others have. They are blessed with wonderful families and friends who love them and love to do nice things for them, and they are truly special, special children. Despite all the horrible things we've been through, we will come out on top one day, and we will be surrounded by our children (both heavenly and earthly), and we be proud of our lives and what we have accomplished. <3 So, tonight, I celebrate my children, who deserve the world, the moon, and the stars and beyond. Mommy loves you, Jaycee Elisabeth, Kylie Brielle, and Bryleigh Addison!