My entire life, I have wanted three things: to be a teacher, to be married, and to be a mommy. There was a time in my life that I did not think that I would accomplish those last two, and there was a long period of time after I accomplished the first two that I didn't think I would ever get to be a mommy. I watched myself each month, waiting for those two lines, waiting for some sign that I was a "normal" woman, so that I could experience the joy of motherhood like so many people in this world.
I watched my best friend from childhood get pregnant, and then my very best friend, and my sister, and two other friends get pregnant. I had fertility treatments that failed. I had negative test after negative test. We had to stop multiple times because I had the max of clomid and couldn't afford the injections. Finally, I gave up. I was so broken, so upset that God didn't want me to be a mom. I was weak and torn. I was mad at everyone who complained about their children, because I didn't have any. I was jealous of every pregnant woman who walked in my path. I cried every night becasue I wanted something so badly that I could not have.
On April 30, 2009, that all changed. God granted me the one thing I begged for: a child was growing within my womb. A child that was created by me, Chris, and God. A child that was chosen for us to parent. A child that depended on my body and my life for his/her own life. A child that answered every prayer I had ever thought, spoken, or written.
When Kylie was born, it didn't cross my mind that she might die. I was scared to death in the few weeks before her birth, and I was terrified when she was born, but I was so hopeful. When Kylie died, part of me died with her. I became bitter, angry, and more broken than I ever imagined. I shut people out. I felt guilty for every smile, every laugh, every moment that I didn't cry. I felt angry that everyone around me got to have the family they wanted, and I was stuck with a c-section scar, pain, grief, and childless. All of that, and nothing to show for it. All of that pain, that praying, that crying out to God... all of that misery, all of those doctor's appointments, the surgery she endured, and the pain she must have gone through... all of it for nothing.
I thought God was punishing me, that he was playing a cruel joke on me. I felt that he thought I was a bad mom, that I didn't deserve happiness. I became even more bitter. I was jealous. How dare people tell me to forget my child, how dare people complain about being a parent... my anger was normal in grief, but it was also something that lasted longer than I should have let it.
When we found out we were pregnant with Bryleigh, the fear and anxiety could not take away the excitement... but I was still angry. Why couldn't Kylie's pregnancy have been so uneventful? Why couldn't she have been so lucky?
But by the time Bryleigh arrived- I was elated. This moment, this healthy baby... she was worth all the worry and concern I had and so much more... and this child was so lucky, because she has a sister as her true guardian angel.
God did not answer my prayers the way I intended in any of these instances, but He has taught me that though we have storms and tragedy in our lives, what we do with it is just as important as the grief we must experience. God was patient with me, and He knew that I needed time. I still wish people would not complain about their children so much, and that others would spend time with their kids and love their kids, and I wish people who didn't want or need children didn't get to have them and that there was no such thing as infertility. I still wish that no mother would have to say goodbye to her baby, that no parent should ever bury a child. However, I know that God is good all of the time. I know that God has blessed me immensely, and He gave me Kylie to teach me more than I could ever learn from her on this earth. I have learned patience, kindness, love beyond this world, and so much more. She has taught me about being a good mother, about being a good friend. She has taught me about myself, and about my relationship with God. She has helped strengthen my faith, and she has led me to an understanding about so many things I never would have had. She has used Jaycee in our lives to help us get through the tough times, and to know that regardless of blood relation, she is our child. She has used Bryleigh to show me that there are rainbows after the storm, beautiful, amazing, and pure.
When I look back today on the past 8 years, I realize that I have changed and have become someone I never thought I would become, and I am okay with that. I am blessed to have the opportunity to share my story with others, to raise awareness, and to be a source of support for other parents who have lost. I am blessed with three of the most beautiful daughters I could ever imagine, and I have been given the opportunity to do things I never imagined possible.
I want everyone to know that I may not understand your situation, but I want to be here for you, and I want to be a support for you. I want to share Kylie with others, and use her life to inspire and help.
Tonight, I am humbly grateful. To God be the glory.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
March for Babies 2012
My dearest Kylie Brielle,
Words cannot express the feeling in my heart today as I pushed your baby sister in a stroller through Research Park, as we all wore shirts with your sweet name, footprints and face. For three years, we have walked for you, in your honor and memory. We wanted to give back, and we have found an absolutely BEAUTIFUL way to give back to honor your precious legacy.
Kylie, you have taught me so much about being a mommy and about doing things for others. Your life has blessed me in more ways than I could have ever imagined, and I feel like the luckiest mom in the world to have such beautiful, special, sweet children. My blessings are immeasurable.
This year, we became top family team for the THIRD YEAR IN A ROW! Your life lives on within us, and we are better because of it. You may be gone, but your memory and your legacy will never die. I will always carry a piece of you with me, and days like today make me feel so close to you. I could feel your tiny hand on my heart, urging me to keep going, guiding me that even though I was tired, I could do it. You are such a source of strength for me, and I am so grateful to have you as my perfect guardian angel.
Sweet girl, we have raised $19,500 for the March of Dimes in three years, all because of you. That money will help so many families. I have prayed over it and asked God to bless the donations we have collected so that maybe another family will not have to say goodbye to their precious little one because of what we have done. In my lifetime, I could never expect to leave an imprint on people like you have. You have touched so many lives, and your memory will continue to be a blessing to others.
Today, as any other day, I am so overwhelmed with pride that YOU are my daughter. How did I get so lucky to be blessed with three amazing children? What did I do so right that God blessed me with you? I don't know what I did to deserve such a perfect family, but I am honored that God gave me this life and the gift of motherhood. Being a mommy is more priceless than I ever imagined, and you showed me that I could have children of my own, after being so afraid that I would never have any.
Kylie Brielle Keith, you are my inspiration. You are perfect and pure, and I could never put into words just how much I truly love you. My face is streaming with tears as I write, because there will never be enough words to explain it. I love you with every fiber of my being, and I miss you so much that my heart feels like it might burst out of my chest.
Thank you for being mine. Thank you for leading my life to help others, and thank you for being an inspiration. Thank you for making me who I am as a mother, a wife, a teacher, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and an advocate. Thank you for showing me the path that my life needed to take.
For you, we walk. We are Angel Kylie's Hope.
With my most sincere and deepest love,
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Those were the days...
Tonight, while eating dinner at a local restaurant, I saw Mr. Satterfield, my 8th grade Social Studies teacher. Mr. Satterfield was one of 5 teachers for our core classes at Madison Cross Roads (the others were Mrs. Ibezim, Mrs. Dickgeiser, Mrs. Bailey, Mr. Abernathy). The 8th grade teachers at MXR took great pride in the bond they shared as educators in order to create a positive atmosphere for the students. When a position in the 8th grade came open, I remember the teachers telling us that they interviewed the candiates together as a team, and they all had a say in the hire of the newest addition. Each teacher had a unique sense of humor, and when you put them together, I can honestly say I think we had the best, most hilarious, most caring group of teachers anyone could ask for.
My eigth grade year was a year of freedom that we all knew we deserved (we had been in the same school since kindergarten), and it was a special kind of freedom that many of us respected; after all those years, we were FINALLY the top of the school. I think the small size of MXR in those days was something that we took for granted, because we were able to have 9 grades in one building, and we only had one subject-area teacher per grade (in middle school). We had no more than 120-130 kids in our class, I think, and many of us went to school together from K-8 (and most of us went to high school together, too). Our parents knew each other well. Most of us made up the cheer squad/basketball/baseball/softball teams at school. Our little siblings were in the same grade. We didn't worry about drugs, or alcohol, or sex- those things did not exist to me in middle school. It's not that we were sheltered so much as it just wasn't an issue at our school. If one person stepped out of line, the parents normally found out about it easily, and it was taken care of immediately. Our parents never blamed the teachers for problems; they went directly to us, and our parents trusted the adults to take care of us and make good decisions for us.
In 8th grade, I learned a lot about life and morals and values. Though we had a lot of fun and laughing, we had a lot of structure and life lessons as well. Mrs. Ibezim, a teacher I had feared my whole time in school, was nothing like what I expected. Granted, in Science we did mostly book work, she taught us about agape, loving yourself, and respecting others. The teachers treated each other with respect, and they ALL worked together on things. The kids saw this, and they worked together.
I know it sounds like I am painting a false picture here, but this is how I remember middle school. Sure we had some issues, but what middle school kid (or teacher) doesn't every now and then? I use my middle school days as examples to my kids, but they normally can't get past the "only one english teacher, math teacher" etc. to get what I'm trying to tell them.
Tonight, seeing Mr. Satterfield reminded me that I am so blessed to have received an education at Madison Cross Roads School. No matter what anyone says, I am who I am because of the teachers and adminstrators who believed in us and molded us into respectful, responsible human beings. As a student, I respected and looked up to every teacher in the building (with the exception of one or two, but I was too young to see them differently then). My fellow classmates did not, to the extent we have today, disrespect and cuss out and flat out disobey the teachers like they do now. Maybe part of it was the big wooden paddle with holes drilled into it, but regardless, we were a bit afraid of trouble, and we knew that whatever trouble we got in at school was NOTHING compared to the trouble we had when we came home.
Today, as I look at my profession and I look at kids everywhere (in the news, out in public, at dance, at restaurants, at school, at daycare, etc), and I look at parents everywhere.
Where did we go so wrong in this world that we stopped teaching and expressing the importance of values, morals, respect, and kindness? Today, I see parents who do not parent. Parents who accuse the teacher before hearing what REALLY happened. Parents who think their children are perfect angels WHILE their kids are yelling at them and chewing them out. (If I EVER raised my voice at my parents in public, they didn't care who was around, they would have knocked my flippin' teeth out!) Parents who want to be the "FRIEND" and not the PARENT. I see parents who are too busy with their own lives to TEACH their children how to act and react, how to make positive decisions, and how to participate in conflict resolution. I see parents who ignore their children when out in public and let them run around like banshees.
I see children who are not taught to respect all people regardless of their differences. I see children who are not taught to respect others enough to behave in public. I see children who are not taught the difference between right and wrong, or children who are taught that if someone does something to you, you get to get them back. I see children who are always looking for a reason to be angry. I see children who have absolutely no respect for any adult. I see children who are self-absorbed and who have an "entitlement" issue.
If I could tell these people anything, it would be this:
Parents: You need to get off your behinds and start being an adult. A child cannot raise themselves; that is YOUR job. You need to put your personal life aside and teach your children right from wrong. You need to model respect for others and others' property. You need to MODEL positive behaviors and good choices. You need to step up to the plate, because quite frankly, your current methods of parenting SUCK and make you look bad. Do your job. Teach your children to accept and respect others, regardless of their age or difference. Do not push hatred or disgust on them. Love your children, and hug them daily, but do NOT be their friend. Teach them what it means to work hard and to appreciate what you have.
Kids: You need to get off YOUR behinds and start appreciating the gift of life. Life is too short to spend it miserable, angry, or upset. Life is too short to spend your life trying to pick up the pieces from bad choices. Learn how to respect adults, regardless of how you feel about them. Learn to bite your tongue and keep in those smart remarks and rude statements. Do not talk about people, and don't put yourself in a position that you may not be proud of. Be happy that you get to go to school to get an education, and stop doing things to jeopardize that. Try hard in everythign you do; the way kids act today, there aren't going to be many options for you when you get older and into the working world.
It terrifies me that my children are growing up in a society where people feel so many things are more important than their own children or growing family. My students already think I'm "old fashioned" and a "mean" mom because I am standing by the principles I grew up with. However, if more people were raised using these same principles, we as a country would be in much better shape.
So tonight, after my rant, I thank my teachers at Madison Cross Roads for believing in me while instilling respect and courtesy. I thank them for helping raise me with the same morals and values my parents had, and I appreciate their love for us. It is truly an honor to be an MXR Comet.
My eigth grade year was a year of freedom that we all knew we deserved (we had been in the same school since kindergarten), and it was a special kind of freedom that many of us respected; after all those years, we were FINALLY the top of the school. I think the small size of MXR in those days was something that we took for granted, because we were able to have 9 grades in one building, and we only had one subject-area teacher per grade (in middle school). We had no more than 120-130 kids in our class, I think, and many of us went to school together from K-8 (and most of us went to high school together, too). Our parents knew each other well. Most of us made up the cheer squad/basketball/baseball/softball teams at school. Our little siblings were in the same grade. We didn't worry about drugs, or alcohol, or sex- those things did not exist to me in middle school. It's not that we were sheltered so much as it just wasn't an issue at our school. If one person stepped out of line, the parents normally found out about it easily, and it was taken care of immediately. Our parents never blamed the teachers for problems; they went directly to us, and our parents trusted the adults to take care of us and make good decisions for us.
In 8th grade, I learned a lot about life and morals and values. Though we had a lot of fun and laughing, we had a lot of structure and life lessons as well. Mrs. Ibezim, a teacher I had feared my whole time in school, was nothing like what I expected. Granted, in Science we did mostly book work, she taught us about agape, loving yourself, and respecting others. The teachers treated each other with respect, and they ALL worked together on things. The kids saw this, and they worked together.
I know it sounds like I am painting a false picture here, but this is how I remember middle school. Sure we had some issues, but what middle school kid (or teacher) doesn't every now and then? I use my middle school days as examples to my kids, but they normally can't get past the "only one english teacher, math teacher" etc. to get what I'm trying to tell them.
Tonight, seeing Mr. Satterfield reminded me that I am so blessed to have received an education at Madison Cross Roads School. No matter what anyone says, I am who I am because of the teachers and adminstrators who believed in us and molded us into respectful, responsible human beings. As a student, I respected and looked up to every teacher in the building (with the exception of one or two, but I was too young to see them differently then). My fellow classmates did not, to the extent we have today, disrespect and cuss out and flat out disobey the teachers like they do now. Maybe part of it was the big wooden paddle with holes drilled into it, but regardless, we were a bit afraid of trouble, and we knew that whatever trouble we got in at school was NOTHING compared to the trouble we had when we came home.
Today, as I look at my profession and I look at kids everywhere (in the news, out in public, at dance, at restaurants, at school, at daycare, etc), and I look at parents everywhere.
Where did we go so wrong in this world that we stopped teaching and expressing the importance of values, morals, respect, and kindness? Today, I see parents who do not parent. Parents who accuse the teacher before hearing what REALLY happened. Parents who think their children are perfect angels WHILE their kids are yelling at them and chewing them out. (If I EVER raised my voice at my parents in public, they didn't care who was around, they would have knocked my flippin' teeth out!) Parents who want to be the "FRIEND" and not the PARENT. I see parents who are too busy with their own lives to TEACH their children how to act and react, how to make positive decisions, and how to participate in conflict resolution. I see parents who ignore their children when out in public and let them run around like banshees.
I see children who are not taught to respect all people regardless of their differences. I see children who are not taught to respect others enough to behave in public. I see children who are not taught the difference between right and wrong, or children who are taught that if someone does something to you, you get to get them back. I see children who are always looking for a reason to be angry. I see children who have absolutely no respect for any adult. I see children who are self-absorbed and who have an "entitlement" issue.
If I could tell these people anything, it would be this:
Parents: You need to get off your behinds and start being an adult. A child cannot raise themselves; that is YOUR job. You need to put your personal life aside and teach your children right from wrong. You need to model respect for others and others' property. You need to MODEL positive behaviors and good choices. You need to step up to the plate, because quite frankly, your current methods of parenting SUCK and make you look bad. Do your job. Teach your children to accept and respect others, regardless of their age or difference. Do not push hatred or disgust on them. Love your children, and hug them daily, but do NOT be their friend. Teach them what it means to work hard and to appreciate what you have.
Kids: You need to get off YOUR behinds and start appreciating the gift of life. Life is too short to spend it miserable, angry, or upset. Life is too short to spend your life trying to pick up the pieces from bad choices. Learn how to respect adults, regardless of how you feel about them. Learn to bite your tongue and keep in those smart remarks and rude statements. Do not talk about people, and don't put yourself in a position that you may not be proud of. Be happy that you get to go to school to get an education, and stop doing things to jeopardize that. Try hard in everythign you do; the way kids act today, there aren't going to be many options for you when you get older and into the working world.
It terrifies me that my children are growing up in a society where people feel so many things are more important than their own children or growing family. My students already think I'm "old fashioned" and a "mean" mom because I am standing by the principles I grew up with. However, if more people were raised using these same principles, we as a country would be in much better shape.
So tonight, after my rant, I thank my teachers at Madison Cross Roads for believing in me while instilling respect and courtesy. I thank them for helping raise me with the same morals and values my parents had, and I appreciate their love for us. It is truly an honor to be an MXR Comet.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Baby food, spit up, Sleeping through the Night, and MOD, OH MY!
My three girls, to begin.
Well it has been a while since I posted (yet again). I have a lot on my plate right now, actually. In reality, my plate and cup and bowl and the whole dad-gum table overfloweth! I guess that's just how my life is always going to be. I like it most of the time, but right now, it's getting to me.
We're hot and heavy into the March for Babies fundraising as well. Saturday is our biggest event, the Family Fun Day. Right now, we're hoping it doesn't rain and ruin our plans. :( It's causing me a lot of stress, but I am hopeful that it will not ruin the day. We have $2,500 raised right now, and still working on raising more. I don't foresee us getting to our original $6,000 goal, though, which greatly saddens me. We still have a great fundraiser going on with Brad Johnson's fundraiser- for every quote the Brad Johnson Agency gives, he will donate $5 to our team. I am excited about that.
This news I'm about to share hasn't been shared with a lot of people yet, so I just wanted to let you know that this is what is bothering me the most these past few days. Chris found out today that he MUST change his schedule beginning next week. The city is making him work every Saturday and Sunday until further notice, with his off days being Wednesday and Thursday. They also told him that this includes working Easter Sunday and any holiday that comes up while he's working this schedule, which is "until further notice." To make matters worse, if he needs off (for things such as the March of Dimes Walk and Easter), not only does he have to take his vacation time, but he also has to find his own replacement to volunteer to work in his place, which is not something he currently has to do. I am really struggling with this because it seems like they are being super unfair, and it is going to be a very difficult adjustment for us. We are used to having the weekends to each other and for family time, and we are going to have to adjust to having very little time together while I'm still at work. This also limits his time with the girls, and it makes me basically a single parent on the weekends, when I need time to work on stuff for work, the girls, the house, and everything in between. This adjustment is going to be so, so hard, and I am having a hard time having any respect for the people who thought this would be a "good" thing- to take a man away from his family when they haven't ever made him work on the weekends before. The way they have done this is wrong, and unfair, and I so wish I could go and talk to all of those people who run that office and make them realize how hard things still are for us and how important our family is, since we are missing a person. No one cares about that, though- they haven't cared about that since the day he returned to work from losing her.
Also, I'm disheartened about work. I am trying so hard to keep my head above water, and I see everyone else passing me and doing amazing wonderful things, and basically, I feel like a crap teacher. It's like by the time I get excited about the lesson, the kids are tearing each other down, ruining the teachable moment, talking, being disrespectful, or just not handling the groupwork and freedom of decisions, etc. I feel so deflated and have little motivation to do anythign fun or wonderful because it's almost like "what's the point?" I feel like everyone looks at me and is like "I'm so glad I'm a better teacher than her." or "I can't believe she's still here." Sometimes, I wonder how I made it this far myself. I am trying desperately to find motivation, and after a meeting today, I know I am not the teacher I always wanted to be. I just don't know how to get there, because I am so far behind, so frustrated, so disgusted with myself. I just don't know anymore, and I always wanted to be a good teacher, and here I am, with no heart and feeling like the kids will never care... I am just so depressed about it, and I've never felt this way before. I've missed so much while being on maternity leave, and it's like I've lost some of me in the process... I'm praying for a way back to myself, but I don't see it coming, and I don't want people to think I'm terrible at what I do.
So, there's quite a bit going on. I have a lot on the plate, and all of these things at once don't help. Another positive thing is that we were baptised on February 19, and we are so blessed with our church family at Lighthouse. We are so proud to be a part of this amazing church family. I am also honored to be the speaker for this year's Mother's Day Luncheon (the weekend before Mother's Day). The theme is "A Mother's Hug." It couldn't be a more appropriate theme for my journey as a mother and as a Christian.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We could use it.
To end on a happy note, here are 2 shots from Bryleigh's 4 month session with the amazing MaryEllen at Lighthouse Photography:
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Why do I do this to myself?
I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I have always been one to expect a lot out of people that I love (not that it's fair, but I do) because I give a lot to them, I guess. I've been used as a door mat time and time again, and I've been treated like crap, only for me to get up and stand in line to be knocked around some more. My heart is always in the right place, but I've had to learn the hard way that just because I will do something or act a certain way or be there for a person doesn't mean they will feel the same obligation to be there for me or perform some kindness in return.
I can't stand users. You know, people who will be nice to you and hang around you or do things with you/for you just so they can use you. And boy, I have had people do this to me all through my life, mostly for them to have some "great" personal gain at my loss and expense. And I am guilty for letting this happen, because I have let the same people do this to me over and over again.
I have always had a hard time standing up for myself and telling people how I really feel when it comes to telling them they have upset me, hurt my feelings, or disappointed me, etc. I will tell people happy stuff all day long, and I'll write/talk in general about things that hurt me.
I feel so lonely these days. I feel like I don't belong at work, like I don't fit in in any place in particular. It's like everyone has their group, and I feel like I'm a bystander watching all these great things happen around me. I know it's petty and stupid, but it is so hard to go to work sometimes and be excited because I don't feel like I fit in or that people view me as part of "their" crowd. Nothing against them, its just that I guess I don't mesh. I have always been the person to be the social butterfly and talk to everyone in all, and I guess I'm a weird person with a weird personality or something... but I just want to fit in. I just want to feel included, like I belong. It feels like I'm a middle schooler all over again; the weird, awkward, nerdy kid that stands around pretending to be part of the good conversation, but knowing that no one there is really letting you participate. I just feel like a loser sometimes, and I feel it has affected my ability and my will to be a strong, good teacher. Every person that I became really good friends with at work have left, and maybe a part of me is afraid to become really good friends with someone again because I don't want to be left again. Maybe it's just me... but I've been struggling with these feelings for a long time. It is an awful feeling to feel like you don't fit in or belong. No one has been rude or ugly to me... I just don't feel like I fit.
I have some amazing family and friends, so I'm not saying that I have no one- because I do have amazing people in my life. I just remember various times in my life where I was told that people weren't really my friends, they were just using me because they liked the parties that I had, or they wanted my help getting a good grade, or they wanted a ride in my car. I have had so many people use me for things that I sometimes get that paranoid feeling that people are using me for things, including my child. There are people in my life who won't support the things I do in Kylie's memory, but they are all about "I love you and miss you, Kylie!" when her birthday or other special events roll around. How dare someone use my child that way! You can't just plaster on your facebook wall that you miss and/or love my child just so you can get some attention or be associated with her. If you truly loved Kylie and missed her, you would support her and me in the things we are doing in her memory. I'm not saying you have to give a bunch of money; spreading the word, joining the team, volunteering, or doing something nice for someone in her honor.
And for the final note, I am so sick of being told by people that I say things or do things on facebook just to get attention. I could care less who sees or hears what I have to say. Facebook, blogging, and all other aspects of social media are here for that purpose! To release your feelings and emotions, to let it all out, to express yourself. I don't do anything for attention, and I don't demand attention on myself. It's your jealousy and unhappiness that causes you to think that, and I'm sorry if you are jealous. I don't know why anyone would be jealous of me or of anyone else. We choose our own paths by the choices we make. God guides us, but we make the ultimate choice. And I choose to express myself and my feelings so that I don't keep it bottled up and explode. If you don't like it, don't read my posts.
I'm done being a door mat, but I am also not done having my feelings hurt (that doesn't change over night). I still have a lot to learn, and I still have a lot to remember: Don't focus on the things you can't change. I guess it's hard not having control over everything. I will sort through all the feelings, and we'll get it all worked out.
I didn't post this to make anyone feel bad for me; I'm just working through my feelings. Writing them down seems to always make you feel better, and it seems to always help sort out confusing or conflicting emotions...
I can't stand users. You know, people who will be nice to you and hang around you or do things with you/for you just so they can use you. And boy, I have had people do this to me all through my life, mostly for them to have some "great" personal gain at my loss and expense. And I am guilty for letting this happen, because I have let the same people do this to me over and over again.
I have always had a hard time standing up for myself and telling people how I really feel when it comes to telling them they have upset me, hurt my feelings, or disappointed me, etc. I will tell people happy stuff all day long, and I'll write/talk in general about things that hurt me.
I feel so lonely these days. I feel like I don't belong at work, like I don't fit in in any place in particular. It's like everyone has their group, and I feel like I'm a bystander watching all these great things happen around me. I know it's petty and stupid, but it is so hard to go to work sometimes and be excited because I don't feel like I fit in or that people view me as part of "their" crowd. Nothing against them, its just that I guess I don't mesh. I have always been the person to be the social butterfly and talk to everyone in all, and I guess I'm a weird person with a weird personality or something... but I just want to fit in. I just want to feel included, like I belong. It feels like I'm a middle schooler all over again; the weird, awkward, nerdy kid that stands around pretending to be part of the good conversation, but knowing that no one there is really letting you participate. I just feel like a loser sometimes, and I feel it has affected my ability and my will to be a strong, good teacher. Every person that I became really good friends with at work have left, and maybe a part of me is afraid to become really good friends with someone again because I don't want to be left again. Maybe it's just me... but I've been struggling with these feelings for a long time. It is an awful feeling to feel like you don't fit in or belong. No one has been rude or ugly to me... I just don't feel like I fit.
I have some amazing family and friends, so I'm not saying that I have no one- because I do have amazing people in my life. I just remember various times in my life where I was told that people weren't really my friends, they were just using me because they liked the parties that I had, or they wanted my help getting a good grade, or they wanted a ride in my car. I have had so many people use me for things that I sometimes get that paranoid feeling that people are using me for things, including my child. There are people in my life who won't support the things I do in Kylie's memory, but they are all about "I love you and miss you, Kylie!" when her birthday or other special events roll around. How dare someone use my child that way! You can't just plaster on your facebook wall that you miss and/or love my child just so you can get some attention or be associated with her. If you truly loved Kylie and missed her, you would support her and me in the things we are doing in her memory. I'm not saying you have to give a bunch of money; spreading the word, joining the team, volunteering, or doing something nice for someone in her honor.
And for the final note, I am so sick of being told by people that I say things or do things on facebook just to get attention. I could care less who sees or hears what I have to say. Facebook, blogging, and all other aspects of social media are here for that purpose! To release your feelings and emotions, to let it all out, to express yourself. I don't do anything for attention, and I don't demand attention on myself. It's your jealousy and unhappiness that causes you to think that, and I'm sorry if you are jealous. I don't know why anyone would be jealous of me or of anyone else. We choose our own paths by the choices we make. God guides us, but we make the ultimate choice. And I choose to express myself and my feelings so that I don't keep it bottled up and explode. If you don't like it, don't read my posts.
I'm done being a door mat, but I am also not done having my feelings hurt (that doesn't change over night). I still have a lot to learn, and I still have a lot to remember: Don't focus on the things you can't change. I guess it's hard not having control over everything. I will sort through all the feelings, and we'll get it all worked out.
I didn't post this to make anyone feel bad for me; I'm just working through my feelings. Writing them down seems to always make you feel better, and it seems to always help sort out confusing or conflicting emotions...
Thursday, February 2, 2012
What I've Learned
It has taken me a long time to let go of a lot of feelings and to really search my soul for some things. Since losing Kylie, I've held on to a lot of anger; anger at God, anger at my doctor, anger at a nurse at the hospital, anger at myself, even anger with friends and family members.
Today, I let it go. Today, I let God take it and do what He wishes with it, because today, I am officially free from my anger.
It has taken me a long time to realize that God didn't leave me, and he didn't ignore my prayers when Kylie was so sick. I prayed: "God, please heal my child. Please make her better." And He DID. He healed her. He made her better. She no longer felt pain, suffering, or hurt. He restored her body to the most perfect health.
Until recently, I never realized that. God did answer my prayers; He just didn't answer them the way I wished for them to be answered. No one ever said God would do exactly what you asked, but in my grief and hurt, it took me a while to realize that.
I miss my little girl so much, but look at all of the beautiful things that she has brought upon us. She has led us to guide and counsel other families who have gone through similar losses. She has led us to some amazing wonderful people that we otherwise would never have met. She has instilled in us a spirit of giving and helping others that we didn't have before. She has shown us how to help raise awareness for prematurity, NEC, and pregnancy complications. She has impacted so many people with her strong will and her pure heart. She has given us her baby sister, Bryleigh. She gave me my first pregnancy, and my first born. She gave me the gift of her life. She gave me love.
One of the sweetest moments of my life was the moment I saw Kylie open her gorgeous blue eyes and search for me when I spoke to her. Never in a million years did I realize just how much that moment would mean to me; she knew who I was, even though she was no longer in my womb. She knew my voice, and she loved me. Purely, sweetly, honestly. That moment will be forever embedded in my heart and mind. That moment taught me that the bond of a mother and a child can and will never be broken. No matter what, I gave birth to her, and she will always be my child. Through Heaven or Earth, she is mine.
God is good, all the time. He loved me even when I was angry. He was patient with me, and He waited for me to work through my grief. He didn't judge me, nor did He leave me. I still miss my daughter, and would give anything to have her back, but God doesn't make mistakes. I am honored that he chose me to be the mommy to these three beautiful girls in three completely different ways. I'm honored that He has given us the March of Dimes platform to reach out to others and to help others in Kylie's sweet name. I am humbled by the love that God has always had for me. I am human, and I am not perfect, but He loves me just the same.
Dear Heavenly Father, I want to thank you for the many blessings you have bestowed upon me and my family. I thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to mother three beautiful girls and for the love you have shown for me and my family. Thank you for caring for my sweet Kylie, Lord, and thank you for Bryleigh's safe arrival. I pray that you will guide me and lead me as you see fit, for you know my heart and the path my life will take. I trust in you and thank you for your mercy. Please watch over my family as we continue to learn and grow through your love. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.
Today, I let it go. Today, I let God take it and do what He wishes with it, because today, I am officially free from my anger.
It has taken me a long time to realize that God didn't leave me, and he didn't ignore my prayers when Kylie was so sick. I prayed: "God, please heal my child. Please make her better." And He DID. He healed her. He made her better. She no longer felt pain, suffering, or hurt. He restored her body to the most perfect health.
Until recently, I never realized that. God did answer my prayers; He just didn't answer them the way I wished for them to be answered. No one ever said God would do exactly what you asked, but in my grief and hurt, it took me a while to realize that.
I miss my little girl so much, but look at all of the beautiful things that she has brought upon us. She has led us to guide and counsel other families who have gone through similar losses. She has led us to some amazing wonderful people that we otherwise would never have met. She has instilled in us a spirit of giving and helping others that we didn't have before. She has shown us how to help raise awareness for prematurity, NEC, and pregnancy complications. She has impacted so many people with her strong will and her pure heart. She has given us her baby sister, Bryleigh. She gave me my first pregnancy, and my first born. She gave me the gift of her life. She gave me love.
One of the sweetest moments of my life was the moment I saw Kylie open her gorgeous blue eyes and search for me when I spoke to her. Never in a million years did I realize just how much that moment would mean to me; she knew who I was, even though she was no longer in my womb. She knew my voice, and she loved me. Purely, sweetly, honestly. That moment will be forever embedded in my heart and mind. That moment taught me that the bond of a mother and a child can and will never be broken. No matter what, I gave birth to her, and she will always be my child. Through Heaven or Earth, she is mine.
God is good, all the time. He loved me even when I was angry. He was patient with me, and He waited for me to work through my grief. He didn't judge me, nor did He leave me. I still miss my daughter, and would give anything to have her back, but God doesn't make mistakes. I am honored that he chose me to be the mommy to these three beautiful girls in three completely different ways. I'm honored that He has given us the March of Dimes platform to reach out to others and to help others in Kylie's sweet name. I am humbled by the love that God has always had for me. I am human, and I am not perfect, but He loves me just the same.
Dear Heavenly Father, I want to thank you for the many blessings you have bestowed upon me and my family. I thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to mother three beautiful girls and for the love you have shown for me and my family. Thank you for caring for my sweet Kylie, Lord, and thank you for Bryleigh's safe arrival. I pray that you will guide me and lead me as you see fit, for you know my heart and the path my life will take. I trust in you and thank you for your mercy. Please watch over my family as we continue to learn and grow through your love. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Bryleigh's first hospital visit :(
Last Tuesday, Chris took Bryleigh to the doctor to be checked for this really bad cough she had. Doctor diagnosed a cold and said to get a cool mist humidifier, keep suctioning, and hydrate hydrate hydrate. She started sleeping pretty much all the time, and eating sporadically. By Friday evening, she seemed a bit better. By Saturday night, she seemed to be getting worse. At her late night feeding, Bryleigh suddenly began vomiting (projectile) her entire bottle (and more)- and she was choking and turning blue. This happened again a few seconds later. She choked again (not as severe) on her next bottle, so as soon as the doctor's office started receiving calls Sunday morning, we called. Bless her heart, she looked so sick. So, we got ready to go.
We were able to be seen at 11:30, and the doctor on call was immediately concerned with Bryleigh's cough. She had dropped 7 oz since Tuesday, as well. To be safe, because her RSV test was negative. she decided it would be best to admit her and run a pertussis test, as well as treat her for pertussis. We went straight to the hospital, and they already had a room waiting.
We got settled quickly, and they had us a chair brought in; the room was really small, but hey, we were in the hospital, and they were taking care of my sweet girl immediately. I was thrilled to know that they were trying so hard to take care of us. Bryleigh was immediately hooked to an oxygen monitor that checked oxygen and heart rate.
They got an xray of her chest. They took the pertussis test to send it off.
I was able to order my dinner through room service, as they offer one parent meal a day (thank goodness!). The nurse manager checked on us, and saw how cramped we were, so she had Chris go look at a room that had just been cleaned; and then she announced we were moving!
The new room had a bed, a pull out couch, and 2 chairs, as well as the crib. It is like two times the size of the one we left, so needless to say, we are very grateful! That sweet nurse manager just made our whole night (and entire stay, really)! So we settled in, and her coughing fits were just awful, but they started breathing treatments immediately. At 4 in the morning, they had to put her on oxygen, because her stats went below 90 for a length of time even after suctioning.
She was still having terrible coughing fits, and those steroids in the breathing treatments really wired her! We had some awake periods yesterday that were quite interesting...
A sweet lady from the hospital brought this bouncy seat to me for Bryleigh to have a change of scenery. She also brought a handmade teddy bear, a package of links, and a book. Within a few minutes , a hospital volunteer brought by hand made pillows as well. I was so touched by their kindness!
So now, we're just waiting on the on call doctor to return. He wants to check her out, and thinks that our pediatrician should let us go home tomorrow. They want to be completely sure we have no more episodes, and that her cough is better. We will continue her antibiotic at home; not sure yet if they will do breathing treatments.
This experience has been very painless, very smooth, and very nice, if nice could be used to explain your 2 1/2 month old's first hospital stay. Everyone has been exceptionally kind and helpful, and it has been so easy to just worry about Bryleigh and her care. It has also been so humbling.. every single nurse, tech, etc. who comes in just gushes over our sweet little girl and tells me how beautiful she is, how perfect she is, how sweet she is. It has been so sweet to hear those comments; they help me feel so much better about everything going on! I am also grateful for a great pediatrician who wants to be safe.
I am thankful for those who have checked up on us, thought of us, and prayed for us and a quick recovery. I am also grateful to my sister and my mom for taking care of Jaycee for us so we know she is taken care of and happy and safe. It helps to know that she is just fine, too.
We got settled quickly, and they had us a chair brought in; the room was really small, but hey, we were in the hospital, and they were taking care of my sweet girl immediately. I was thrilled to know that they were trying so hard to take care of us. Bryleigh was immediately hooked to an oxygen monitor that checked oxygen and heart rate.
I was able to order my dinner through room service, as they offer one parent meal a day (thank goodness!). The nurse manager checked on us, and saw how cramped we were, so she had Chris go look at a room that had just been cleaned; and then she announced we were moving!
So, her coughing continued, and her pediatrician was the doctor on call yesterday, so she upped her breathing treatments. We also began Pedialyte for the first time.
She was still having terrible coughing fits, and those steroids in the breathing treatments really wired her! We had some awake periods yesterday that were quite interesting...
12 hours after going on oxygen, they took Bryleigh off of the oxygen at 4 P.M. but left her oxygen monitor on and continued every 4 hour breathing treatments; she was kind of fussy and wired still, probably due to the steroids. But, she was much happier without the oxygen on. Miss Carolyn, Kylie's primary care nurse from the NICU, came down after work to meet our sweet little girl for the first time. =)
The pediatrician came in and said we'd go back to the two daily treatments and then just the others as needed, to try to prevent her from being wired. We began alternating pedialyte and formula to help with the mucus- they were suctioning her quite a bit, too. She said the big test was over night if she needed oxygen or not. So, this morning we are still oxygen free! So, I got to cuddle my baby girl without her oxygen wires ...
So this morning... NO oxygen! They took the monitor off her foot so that they can just spot check, so she is free of wires all together. She got her antibiotic again, and she got her breathing treatment. She has felt better today, despite that terrible wet cough (and the occasional hard time drinking her formula). So I finally got big huge sweet smiles!
This experience has been very painless, very smooth, and very nice, if nice could be used to explain your 2 1/2 month old's first hospital stay. Everyone has been exceptionally kind and helpful, and it has been so easy to just worry about Bryleigh and her care. It has also been so humbling.. every single nurse, tech, etc. who comes in just gushes over our sweet little girl and tells me how beautiful she is, how perfect she is, how sweet she is. It has been so sweet to hear those comments; they help me feel so much better about everything going on! I am also grateful for a great pediatrician who wants to be safe.
I am thankful for those who have checked up on us, thought of us, and prayed for us and a quick recovery. I am also grateful to my sister and my mom for taking care of Jaycee for us so we know she is taken care of and happy and safe. It helps to know that she is just fine, too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
