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Our big girl!

Our big girl!
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Kylie 1 day old

Kylie 1 day old
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Bryleigh Addison

Bryleigh Addison
Our youngest miracle

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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

A reflective moment in the aftermath of the storm

My entire life, I have wanted three things: to be a teacher, to be married, and to be a mommy. There was a time in my life that I did not think that I would accomplish those last two, and there was a long period of time after I accomplished the first two that I didn't think I would ever get to be a mommy. I watched myself each month, waiting for those two lines, waiting for some sign that I was a "normal" woman, so that I could experience the joy of motherhood like so many people in this world.

I watched my best friend from childhood get pregnant, and then my very best friend, and my sister, and two other friends get pregnant. I had fertility treatments that failed. I had negative test after negative test. We had to stop multiple times because I had the max of clomid and couldn't afford the injections. Finally, I gave up. I was so broken, so upset that God didn't want me to be a mom. I was weak and torn. I was mad at everyone who complained about their children, because I didn't have any. I was jealous of every pregnant woman who walked in my path. I cried every night becasue I wanted something so badly that I could not have.

On April 30, 2009, that all changed. God granted me the one thing I begged for: a child was growing within my womb. A child that was created by me, Chris, and God. A child that was chosen for us to parent. A child that depended on my body and my life for his/her own life. A child that answered every prayer I had ever thought, spoken, or written.

When Kylie was born, it didn't cross my mind that she might die. I was scared to death in the few weeks before her birth, and I was terrified when she was born, but I was so hopeful. When Kylie died, part of me died with her. I became bitter, angry, and more broken than I ever imagined. I shut people out. I felt guilty for every smile, every laugh, every moment that I didn't cry. I felt angry that everyone around me got to have the family they wanted, and I was stuck with a c-section scar, pain, grief, and childless. All of that, and nothing to show for it. All of that pain, that praying, that crying out to God... all of that misery, all of those doctor's appointments, the surgery she endured, and the pain she must have gone through... all of it for nothing.

I thought God was punishing me, that he was playing a cruel joke on me. I felt that he thought I was a bad mom, that I didn't deserve happiness. I became even more bitter. I was jealous. How dare people tell me to forget my child, how dare people complain about being a parent... my anger was normal in grief, but it was also something that lasted longer than I should have let it.

When we found out we were pregnant with Bryleigh, the fear and anxiety could not take away the excitement... but I was still angry. Why couldn't Kylie's pregnancy have been so uneventful? Why couldn't she have been so lucky?

But by the time Bryleigh arrived- I was elated. This moment, this healthy baby... she was worth all the worry and concern I had and so much more... and this child was so lucky, because she has a sister as her true guardian angel.

God did not answer my prayers the way I intended in any of these instances, but He has taught me that though we have storms and tragedy in our lives, what we do with it is just as important as the grief we must experience. God was patient with me, and He knew that I needed time. I still wish people would not complain about their children so much, and that others would spend time with their kids and love their kids, and I wish people who didn't want or need children didn't get to have them and that there was no such thing as infertility. I still wish that no mother would have to say goodbye to her baby, that no parent should ever bury a child. However, I know that God is good all of the time. I know that God has blessed me immensely, and He gave me Kylie to teach me more than I could ever learn from her on this earth. I have learned patience, kindness, love beyond this world, and so much more. She has taught me about being a good mother, about being a good friend. She has taught me about myself, and about my relationship with God. She has helped strengthen my faith, and she has led me to an understanding about so many things I never would have had. She has used Jaycee in our lives to help us get through the tough times, and to know that regardless of blood relation, she is our child. She has used Bryleigh to show me that there are rainbows after the storm, beautiful, amazing, and pure.

When I look back today on the past 8 years, I realize that I have changed and have become someone I never thought I would become, and I am okay with that. I am blessed to have the opportunity to share my story with others, to raise awareness, and to be a source of support for other parents who have lost. I am blessed with three of the most beautiful daughters I could ever imagine, and I have been given the opportunity to do things I never imagined possible.

I want everyone to know that I may not understand your situation, but I want to be here for you, and I want to be a support for you. I want to share Kylie with others, and use her life to inspire and help.

Tonight, I am humbly grateful. To God be the glory.

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