It has been almost 2 months since my last post, and I really, again, have no excuse other than life has caught up with me. We'll start with Kylie, then Butterfly, then sweet Jaycee.
Kylie would be 21 months old right now... it's so hard to believe that we are so, so close to two years now... Every day, I think of her still. I think of how beautiful she is, how sweet she is, and what she would be doing now. I try to imagine my life with her as a 21 month old, but it is so hard to do-- would she look more like me now, or still like the spitting image of her daddy? Would she be walking, talking, etc, or would her prematurity and bowel surgery prevent her from doing normal toddler things? Would we be at the doctor a lot? All of those things just consume my mind. She is a very, very loved little miracle baby, and I could not have asked God to bless me with a more perfect first-born child. She is my heart, for sure, and I miss her deeply.
Today, I am 20 weeks, 3 days pregnant with Butterfly, who decided to be stubborn last week and not reveal himself/herself to us through ultrasound. Stubborn little kid already... wonder where that comes from? (*cough* CHRIS *cough*). Hah. This pregnancy has been much, much different than Kylie's pregnancy, which in a way is a really good thing for me. It prevents me from freaking out so much from comparing, and it also puts my mind at ease some more. Everything has been nearly textbook with this pregnancy; heart rate is always in a good range (140-165), and I've been feeling movement since week 14. Even in ultrasound, this child is so, so active compared to Kylie, and the US tech told me at 12 weeks I was going to have a fun end of pregnancy cuz this kid was going to be everywhere. I'm sitting really low, and this baby is pushing down on everything, especially my bladder. We go to the specialist in Birmingham on July 20 for my big measuring ultrasound, and we should find out then if baby is a boy or girl, though we are all thinking boy at this point. My OB said if he had to guess, he'd guess boy, but if all we have is a guess, I can't be certain. Hopefully we'll know then. Also, at that appointment they measure all body parts, organs, etc, and it will be a good indication of what is going on. I'll be 22 (almost 23 weeks) by then, so I'll have some time to get the room ready if it's a boy before I go back to school. Doctor still confirmed 37 weeks is as far as we need to go, unless something is just overly good, and we can try to stretch it to 38, but he is still saying end of October, very beginning of November, which is fine with me. I just want a healthy outcome.
Jaycee is growing so fast. June 1, we celebrated her 4th birthday. It has been such a sweet blessing to watch her grow up and change from baby to preschooler... she is learning so fast, and she is so smart and quick to pick up on things. She doesn't miss a beat. She is the most loving, sweet 4 year old I know, and she is just such a blessing to us. We are thankful every day for her presence in our home and in our life. She has such good friends here, and overall, we couldn't be more thankful to have her to help us get through the days. She loves Kylie and Butterfly as her own blood sister and future brother or sister... she is going to be an amazing big sister to them! I know that I wouldn't have made it this far without her, and I can't imagine my life without her in it. Hopefully, she starts pre-k in the fall if we can get all the paperwork handled right. I really don't want her to miss out on the opportunities school has to offer her.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Nineteen months without her...
Yesterday marked nineteen long months without my beautiful first-born baby girl.
Today marks nineteen long months of heavy, numb grieving. On the fifteenth last year, I was to numb to even grieve or believe. The 16th was when it first set in. The 16th was the first day I didn't go to the NICU first thing in the morning. The 16th was the first time I didn't call the nurse to see how Kylie's night was. The 16th was the first time I didn't pump when I woke up. The 16th was the first time I woke up with an empty, hollow heart. The 16th was the first time I woke up as the parent of an angel. So many firsts...
I don't think I'll ever forget the things that happened during Kylie's too-short lifetime. I don't think I'll ever forget the days right after, leading up to her funeral... Those 2 and 1/2 weeks will be etched in my heart and burned in my mind forever. While so many people bring healthy babies home, I never took my baby anywhere. While so many people pick out carseats, clothes, and other necessities, I was picking out a casket, funeral songs, memoribilia, a cemetery plot, and a headstone. While other parents were paying for doctor's visits, formula, diapers, and wipes, I was paying for a NICU stay, funeral plots for me and Chris, and a headstone.
None of this seems fair at all, especially when you type it out, or you really think about it. NO parent should have to do this. NO parent should have to say goodbye when others get to say "hello" and only say goodbye when the parents are old in age and ready to go on to Heaven.
I said "goodbye" against my will. I was forced to end my earthly relationship with Kylie. I had no choice. She had no choice. We were told "this is it, this is how it will be," and it was. That is how it was.
Yesterday in church, Brother Randy must have been preaching directly too me. I realized when I walked in the door what the date was, and I knew that it was not going to be easy. Then, we had a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace... and I completely fell to pieces. I can NEVER hear that song without falling apart- it was one of the songs we played for sweet Kylie, because honestly, who doesn't feel compelled to play that song at a funeral? It was a beautiful version as well... but I just sobbed, while thinking of my beautiful baby with the life that was ripped away so soon...
And then, the message "Where is God?" If you read Psalms 42 and 43 (I think that was it), basically it gives a message that in times of darkness, it is natural to ask "Where are you? Where is God?" and that your spirit and faith must overcome and realize that He has not completely left you... and I felt that he was speaking to me. Brother Randy told me when Kylie died that it was okay to be mad at God... "he's God. He can handle it." Those words were my comfort, and my permission to be mad. I know it's sad to look at it that way, but I felt that I needed permission to be pissed off, and to an extent, I am still mad.
However, I do realize that Kylie's life, however short it was, was a true gift and blessing from God. God knew that I (and Chris) was needed to help other parents, and He knew that we would use Kylie's life to help others and raise awareness for infant and pregnancy loss. That is why he took her from us on October 15. I knew from that moment that it was not just a coincidence that Kylie passed on National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. There's just no way; that day was meant for me to bring Kylie's life into the limelight, to bring hope to other parents. That is why, just one year to the day after losing my baby girl, I stood in front of about 120+ people at our first annual October 15th ceremony and shared Kylie's story and her impact on my life.
God and I are still in a shaky relationship, but I am still so grateful and thankful that he chose us to be Kylie Brielle's parents. I am in awe that He gave me such a beautiful, perfect baby girl, and that he felt that we deserved an honor of parenting a true, real angel. I am appreciative of the faith that He has in me and the belief that I am strong enough to survive it.
I am thankful that He let Kylie hand-pick Butterfly for us, that he let her choose her brother or sister. I am thankful that He rocks Kylie in his arms and has her in a world of nothing but love, acceptance, and understanding.
I am still, however, in pain. I miss my daughter, and I still have the question "why?"... I still ache for her, still wish desperately that I didn't have to continue living my life without my miracle baby. I am still sad, still depressed... I miss my angel every day, and even though I may seem "okay," I still have a lot going on. I haven't seen my daughter's face in almost 19 months. I haven't held her in 19 months and one day. I haven't kissed her sweet skin or smelled her sweet baby smell... I haven't heard her cry... and I haven't been able to teach her things or watch her grow. I miss her. So. Badly.
I love my daughter more than any words or emotions could ever express. There aren't enough words in the dictionary, there aren't enough stars in the sky, and there aren't enough feelings in the world to express how deeply I love Kylie. I loved her before I knew I was pregnant, I loved her even more when I found out I was pregnant, and I loved her even more than that when she was born... and today, I love her more than I did the day before. I know my love will grow every day, as a mommy's love should, and no one can ever take that away from me.
Don't get me wrong; I love Butterfly more than words can say, as well (and Jaycee, of course- I love her more than anyone would ever know), but just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I can't miss Kylie and love her too. Kylie will always be a part of our family, and our children will always know who Kylie is and will have pictures of her. They will always know they have a big sister (or little sister in Jaycee's case) in Heaven, and that they all have special angel with them every step of every day. I don't know about you, but if I would have known that when I was growing up, I would have felt pretty darn special...
Kylie, I love you and miss you so, so much. You are my heart, my soul, my world. Thank you for being my first-born, my miracle baby, who made me a mommy and showed me what a mother's love is about.
Today marks nineteen long months of heavy, numb grieving. On the fifteenth last year, I was to numb to even grieve or believe. The 16th was when it first set in. The 16th was the first day I didn't go to the NICU first thing in the morning. The 16th was the first time I didn't call the nurse to see how Kylie's night was. The 16th was the first time I didn't pump when I woke up. The 16th was the first time I woke up with an empty, hollow heart. The 16th was the first time I woke up as the parent of an angel. So many firsts...
I don't think I'll ever forget the things that happened during Kylie's too-short lifetime. I don't think I'll ever forget the days right after, leading up to her funeral... Those 2 and 1/2 weeks will be etched in my heart and burned in my mind forever. While so many people bring healthy babies home, I never took my baby anywhere. While so many people pick out carseats, clothes, and other necessities, I was picking out a casket, funeral songs, memoribilia, a cemetery plot, and a headstone. While other parents were paying for doctor's visits, formula, diapers, and wipes, I was paying for a NICU stay, funeral plots for me and Chris, and a headstone.
None of this seems fair at all, especially when you type it out, or you really think about it. NO parent should have to do this. NO parent should have to say goodbye when others get to say "hello" and only say goodbye when the parents are old in age and ready to go on to Heaven.
I said "goodbye" against my will. I was forced to end my earthly relationship with Kylie. I had no choice. She had no choice. We were told "this is it, this is how it will be," and it was. That is how it was.
Yesterday in church, Brother Randy must have been preaching directly too me. I realized when I walked in the door what the date was, and I knew that it was not going to be easy. Then, we had a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace... and I completely fell to pieces. I can NEVER hear that song without falling apart- it was one of the songs we played for sweet Kylie, because honestly, who doesn't feel compelled to play that song at a funeral? It was a beautiful version as well... but I just sobbed, while thinking of my beautiful baby with the life that was ripped away so soon...
And then, the message "Where is God?" If you read Psalms 42 and 43 (I think that was it), basically it gives a message that in times of darkness, it is natural to ask "Where are you? Where is God?" and that your spirit and faith must overcome and realize that He has not completely left you... and I felt that he was speaking to me. Brother Randy told me when Kylie died that it was okay to be mad at God... "he's God. He can handle it." Those words were my comfort, and my permission to be mad. I know it's sad to look at it that way, but I felt that I needed permission to be pissed off, and to an extent, I am still mad.
However, I do realize that Kylie's life, however short it was, was a true gift and blessing from God. God knew that I (and Chris) was needed to help other parents, and He knew that we would use Kylie's life to help others and raise awareness for infant and pregnancy loss. That is why he took her from us on October 15. I knew from that moment that it was not just a coincidence that Kylie passed on National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. There's just no way; that day was meant for me to bring Kylie's life into the limelight, to bring hope to other parents. That is why, just one year to the day after losing my baby girl, I stood in front of about 120+ people at our first annual October 15th ceremony and shared Kylie's story and her impact on my life.
God and I are still in a shaky relationship, but I am still so grateful and thankful that he chose us to be Kylie Brielle's parents. I am in awe that He gave me such a beautiful, perfect baby girl, and that he felt that we deserved an honor of parenting a true, real angel. I am appreciative of the faith that He has in me and the belief that I am strong enough to survive it.
I am thankful that He let Kylie hand-pick Butterfly for us, that he let her choose her brother or sister. I am thankful that He rocks Kylie in his arms and has her in a world of nothing but love, acceptance, and understanding.
I am still, however, in pain. I miss my daughter, and I still have the question "why?"... I still ache for her, still wish desperately that I didn't have to continue living my life without my miracle baby. I am still sad, still depressed... I miss my angel every day, and even though I may seem "okay," I still have a lot going on. I haven't seen my daughter's face in almost 19 months. I haven't held her in 19 months and one day. I haven't kissed her sweet skin or smelled her sweet baby smell... I haven't heard her cry... and I haven't been able to teach her things or watch her grow. I miss her. So. Badly.
I love my daughter more than any words or emotions could ever express. There aren't enough words in the dictionary, there aren't enough stars in the sky, and there aren't enough feelings in the world to express how deeply I love Kylie. I loved her before I knew I was pregnant, I loved her even more when I found out I was pregnant, and I loved her even more than that when she was born... and today, I love her more than I did the day before. I know my love will grow every day, as a mommy's love should, and no one can ever take that away from me.
Don't get me wrong; I love Butterfly more than words can say, as well (and Jaycee, of course- I love her more than anyone would ever know), but just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I can't miss Kylie and love her too. Kylie will always be a part of our family, and our children will always know who Kylie is and will have pictures of her. They will always know they have a big sister (or little sister in Jaycee's case) in Heaven, and that they all have special angel with them every step of every day. I don't know about you, but if I would have known that when I was growing up, I would have felt pretty darn special...
Kylie, I love you and miss you so, so much. You are my heart, my soul, my world. Thank you for being my first-born, my miracle baby, who made me a mommy and showed me what a mother's love is about.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Just some thoughts
Today is the 19th. Today, I've had a lot on my mind. I've been thinking of my beautiful princess in Heaven a lot lately, and how much this pregnancy makes me miss her. I remember how I felt and how excited I was: I was finally going to be a mommy to a beautiful baby that is my own flesh and blood! I was finally going to have a nursery and a baby to hold... I had a future all planned out.
I find myself having a hard time planning out any kind of future for Butterfly, because I'm so afraid that future will be ripped away from me too. I am excited, don't get me wrong, but the reality of things prevents me from being overly thrilled. I want so badly for this to go right, and I know my doctors are doing everything they can, but let's face it. The doctors can't save and prevent everything. What happens if I lose this baby too? How will I survive? How will I live? What would God be trying to tell me? That I'm not a fit mother? That I don't deserve a baby on earth?
I know that it's ridiculous to think about the what if's that might not even happen, but any bit of naivity about pregnancy and giving birth has been ripped away from me. Everything that other women gush over for pregnancy--- that is not a "given" or a "promise" to me.
I love this new baby more than life itself, but I'm so scared of losing him/her. I just hate having these feelings...
I find myself having a hard time planning out any kind of future for Butterfly, because I'm so afraid that future will be ripped away from me too. I am excited, don't get me wrong, but the reality of things prevents me from being overly thrilled. I want so badly for this to go right, and I know my doctors are doing everything they can, but let's face it. The doctors can't save and prevent everything. What happens if I lose this baby too? How will I survive? How will I live? What would God be trying to tell me? That I'm not a fit mother? That I don't deserve a baby on earth?
I know that it's ridiculous to think about the what if's that might not even happen, but any bit of naivity about pregnancy and giving birth has been ripped away from me. Everything that other women gush over for pregnancy--- that is not a "given" or a "promise" to me.
I love this new baby more than life itself, but I'm so scared of losing him/her. I just hate having these feelings...
Friday, April 15, 2011
Dr. Visits Galore! and ... 18 months in Heaven
So I've had THREE appointments this week! Tueday I met with Dr. Gonzalez. He put me on some additional folic acid tablets, and asked me to send him my blood sugars every week for the entire week. He also had me meet with a nutritionist (which I did Tuesday), and they have me on a gestational diabetes diet to prevent me from getting gestational diabetes wiht my PCOS and insulin resistance. He is going to do the first trimester screen on me, starting with bloodwork next Wednesday, as well as a 12 week ultrasound with Dr. G on May 10- this will measure all kinds of stuff and will tell risk factors for heart defects, down's, spinobifida, and most important, it will tell the strength of my placentaand the risks of abrupting again.
I saw Dr. Harris on Thursday, and got a second ultrasound in a week. =) Butterfly looks like a little lima bean! Dr. Harris said I'd be getting plenty of ultrasounds, and that i will go back in 4 weeks (May 12) for an appointment with Dr. H for another ultrasound and such. He said that with my classical uterine incision, the earlier the better for delivery, so no later than 37 weeks, because I am high risk for a uterine rupture the longer i go. He also prepared me for pre-term birth, and said he'd do everything in his pwoer to prevent it, but it would be a good idea to limit my activities now and slow it down some. I got my "mommy" bag- that huge bag of stuff with a ton of prental vitamin samples, and i had to go today and get all that beginning bloodwork done. Whew! A lot going on!
Today is 18 months since my little princess went to Heaven. One and a half years... one and a half years. I am so sad today, though I'm trying not to focus on the sadness due to my pregnancy- it's a guilty thing too. I feel guilty for being happy and guilty for being sad. I know there's nothing that I can do about what hashappened and what our lives are like, but I still have that empty hole in my heart that will never be filled. I miss her terribly... just wonder what life would be like with an 18 month old around...
I saw Dr. Harris on Thursday, and got a second ultrasound in a week. =) Butterfly looks like a little lima bean! Dr. Harris said I'd be getting plenty of ultrasounds, and that i will go back in 4 weeks (May 12) for an appointment with Dr. H for another ultrasound and such. He said that with my classical uterine incision, the earlier the better for delivery, so no later than 37 weeks, because I am high risk for a uterine rupture the longer i go. He also prepared me for pre-term birth, and said he'd do everything in his pwoer to prevent it, but it would be a good idea to limit my activities now and slow it down some. I got my "mommy" bag- that huge bag of stuff with a ton of prental vitamin samples, and i had to go today and get all that beginning bloodwork done. Whew! A lot going on!
Today is 18 months since my little princess went to Heaven. One and a half years... one and a half years. I am so sad today, though I'm trying not to focus on the sadness due to my pregnancy- it's a guilty thing too. I feel guilty for being happy and guilty for being sad. I know there's nothing that I can do about what hashappened and what our lives are like, but I still have that empty hole in my heart that will never be filled. I miss her terribly... just wonder what life would be like with an 18 month old around...
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Grrr.... Frustrations
Well, of course being so hormonal has not helped me control my temper or my patience. However, this mistake has cost me TIME getting in to see a specialist, so I am pretty pissed.
On WEdnesday, after my phone conversation with the nurse (not my usual nurse), Dr. Harper's office sent a referral to my maternal/fetal specialist, Dr. Gonzalez, out of Brookwood in Birmingham. Well, I waited, and waited, and waited for a call. I knew that he was pretty booked, but I was expecting to get a phone call. Today, 6 days later, I get a phone call from his office, and this is how it goes:
"Hello, is this Amber Keith?"
a "yes" from me..
"This is so-and-so from Brookwood Maternal Fetal Medicine. I am calling to schedule your pre-conception appointment. (pause) You are not pregnant, right?"
"Uh, actually, yes ma'am, I am pregnant. I am about 7 weeks today."
"Oh, you are pregnant. Well, I guess we will need to see you before July. (pause) I guess he will want to go ahead and schedule an appointment with the nutritionist since you are diabetic."
"No, ma'am, I'm not diabetic. I am insulin resistant, but my A1C level was in the normal range. I am on metformin."
"Oh, well then, I guess I'll talk to the nurse and she'll call you back later."
This was like 11:30.
At 2:00, I called back, and was told the nurse had called Dr. Harper's office. I then called Dr. Harper's office, because apparently the referral from that office had said those things, and left a message. Both places were supposed to call me back this afternoon, and yet, it is almost 7 and no one did. It's not an "emergency," but the longer it goes, the longer I have to wait to get seen. I want to be seen soon and I want to be taken care of. I am nervous enough, and I'm frustrated about all of this.
I'm sorry to be complaining, but I just feel that I am the one (and this baby) suffering from a miscommunication that shouldn't have happened int he first place. How do you confuse "pregnant" with "preconception"? It's a bit obvious. Sheesh.
On WEdnesday, after my phone conversation with the nurse (not my usual nurse), Dr. Harper's office sent a referral to my maternal/fetal specialist, Dr. Gonzalez, out of Brookwood in Birmingham. Well, I waited, and waited, and waited for a call. I knew that he was pretty booked, but I was expecting to get a phone call. Today, 6 days later, I get a phone call from his office, and this is how it goes:
"Hello, is this Amber Keith?"
a "yes" from me..
"This is so-and-so from Brookwood Maternal Fetal Medicine. I am calling to schedule your pre-conception appointment. (pause) You are not pregnant, right?"
"Uh, actually, yes ma'am, I am pregnant. I am about 7 weeks today."
"Oh, you are pregnant. Well, I guess we will need to see you before July. (pause) I guess he will want to go ahead and schedule an appointment with the nutritionist since you are diabetic."
"No, ma'am, I'm not diabetic. I am insulin resistant, but my A1C level was in the normal range. I am on metformin."
"Oh, well then, I guess I'll talk to the nurse and she'll call you back later."
This was like 11:30.
At 2:00, I called back, and was told the nurse had called Dr. Harper's office. I then called Dr. Harper's office, because apparently the referral from that office had said those things, and left a message. Both places were supposed to call me back this afternoon, and yet, it is almost 7 and no one did. It's not an "emergency," but the longer it goes, the longer I have to wait to get seen. I want to be seen soon and I want to be taken care of. I am nervous enough, and I'm frustrated about all of this.
I'm sorry to be complaining, but I just feel that I am the one (and this baby) suffering from a miscommunication that shouldn't have happened int he first place. How do you confuse "pregnant" with "preconception"? It's a bit obvious. Sheesh.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
18 months
My dearest Kylie Brielle,
If words could express how much I miss you right now, I don't think they would ever be enough. It is so, so very hard to grasp that you were born 18 months ago... 1 1/2 years ago. It seems like so long ago, yet sometimes, like it was only yesterday.
I often lay in bed and close my eyes to remember your face... to remember those beautiful blue eyes, to remind myself of the smiles you put on my face every time I laid eyes on you. I could never forget anything about you; I spent two full weeks memorizing your features so that they would forever be etched in my memory. No matter what, I will always see a beautiful angel when I think of you.
I am a pretty lucky Mommy. I mean, I have Jaycee, I have you, and I have our little Butterfly on the way. I have so much, and I owe a lot of it to you. I would give the world and then some to have you back, but I know that is impossible. I know you are in a much safer, better place, but it doesn't change how badly my heart still aches for you. I know it always will; it is the mother in me, I suppose. However, I do not wish you to suffer the earthly pains that would have consummed your life, and so I am thankful that you are in a place where you know no pain, no suffering, and no sadness. It gives me a sense of peace and happiness that I won't ever have to think of you hurting over boys, friends, or life in general. I know that you have a pure heart of gold, and that you have a kindness and understanding of others that I will never, ever know.
Today, I want to thank you for this blessing you have sent to us. I am so, so grateful for this pregnancy and the new rainbow baby you have helped send our way. You are helping heal an empty hole in my soul; I have such a desire to be a Mommy, and this is helping me fulfill that on earth. Sweet girl, do not think that I want to replace you, because that will NEVER happen, but I do want to add to our family. And I will teach Butterfly all about you; you will ALWAYS be just as important in our family as if you were here with us on Earth. Every one of your siblings will know you, love you, and honor your memory as we have started.
Every day, I am touched by the miracle of your life. I share you with others to help babies have a better chance at living; I share you with others to help raise awareness, and I share you most of all because I am PROUD to be your Mommy. I am honored that you were chosen to be my daughter, my first born, my angel. As much as I miss you and love you, I am still the proudest Mommy in the world. Your name is doing so much good for everyone else. I couldn't be more proud.
We are doing okay right now. I'd like to tell you I was worry free, but of course, that isn't the case. I'm terrified of losing again, of going home empty handed, of living my worst nightmare over again. I'm afraid of what might happen, though I know that I'm doing all I can. I am just nervous, I guess, which is understandable, but having a hard time getting through the worry. We are excited, of course, but the reality of things I guess makes it impossible to be naive about things. We are hopeful that things will come out okay, but you just never know. We go for our first ultrasound on Thursday, so we are anticipating that!
Sweet girl, the walk is coming up in just less than two weeks. We are at $5,000+, and I couldn't be more thrilled with how well we've done. I hope you know we're doing this all for you. I love you so much.
With deepest love,
Your Mommy
If words could express how much I miss you right now, I don't think they would ever be enough. It is so, so very hard to grasp that you were born 18 months ago... 1 1/2 years ago. It seems like so long ago, yet sometimes, like it was only yesterday.
I often lay in bed and close my eyes to remember your face... to remember those beautiful blue eyes, to remind myself of the smiles you put on my face every time I laid eyes on you. I could never forget anything about you; I spent two full weeks memorizing your features so that they would forever be etched in my memory. No matter what, I will always see a beautiful angel when I think of you.
I am a pretty lucky Mommy. I mean, I have Jaycee, I have you, and I have our little Butterfly on the way. I have so much, and I owe a lot of it to you. I would give the world and then some to have you back, but I know that is impossible. I know you are in a much safer, better place, but it doesn't change how badly my heart still aches for you. I know it always will; it is the mother in me, I suppose. However, I do not wish you to suffer the earthly pains that would have consummed your life, and so I am thankful that you are in a place where you know no pain, no suffering, and no sadness. It gives me a sense of peace and happiness that I won't ever have to think of you hurting over boys, friends, or life in general. I know that you have a pure heart of gold, and that you have a kindness and understanding of others that I will never, ever know.
Today, I want to thank you for this blessing you have sent to us. I am so, so grateful for this pregnancy and the new rainbow baby you have helped send our way. You are helping heal an empty hole in my soul; I have such a desire to be a Mommy, and this is helping me fulfill that on earth. Sweet girl, do not think that I want to replace you, because that will NEVER happen, but I do want to add to our family. And I will teach Butterfly all about you; you will ALWAYS be just as important in our family as if you were here with us on Earth. Every one of your siblings will know you, love you, and honor your memory as we have started.
Every day, I am touched by the miracle of your life. I share you with others to help babies have a better chance at living; I share you with others to help raise awareness, and I share you most of all because I am PROUD to be your Mommy. I am honored that you were chosen to be my daughter, my first born, my angel. As much as I miss you and love you, I am still the proudest Mommy in the world. Your name is doing so much good for everyone else. I couldn't be more proud.
We are doing okay right now. I'd like to tell you I was worry free, but of course, that isn't the case. I'm terrified of losing again, of going home empty handed, of living my worst nightmare over again. I'm afraid of what might happen, though I know that I'm doing all I can. I am just nervous, I guess, which is understandable, but having a hard time getting through the worry. We are excited, of course, but the reality of things I guess makes it impossible to be naive about things. We are hopeful that things will come out okay, but you just never know. We go for our first ultrasound on Thursday, so we are anticipating that!
Sweet girl, the walk is coming up in just less than two weeks. We are at $5,000+, and I couldn't be more thrilled with how well we've done. I hope you know we're doing this all for you. I love you so much.
With deepest love,
Your Mommy
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Our Good News
For my blogging family, I am going to open up here about my good news. However, I want to ask that none of you mention it on Facebook right now, as I'm not ready to tell everyone. I haven't even told my boss yet. Many of you know, but others of you do not.
On Wednesday, by total surprise, we found out that Kylie and Jaycee are going to be big sisters! I found out by a beta hcg test that revealed I was in fact pregnant, though I had a negative PG test the week before.
Of course, we were THRILLED about the news. Actually, I was able to come home and take two pregnancy tests to show Chris. Jaycee actually handed him a card that said on the inside "Coming to a Keith household near you, November 2011." =) He couldn't believe it.
Jaycee was thrilled beyond words. She keeps saying she's having a baby sister and she named it butterfly. We called Kylie "Peanut" before we knew she was a girl, so we didn't want to give the same name to this baby. We wanted this baby to have its own identity.
I had blood work done on Wednesday of course, and then repeat bloodwork on Friday. The big fear was that my numbers would not be doing what they were supposed to, since that happened with Kylie. However, we were happily surprised!
Wednesday: Hcg- 1861, Progesterone- 13
Friday: Hcg- 4154, Progesterone- 22
That means, everything is doing what it should be doing. We are so thrilled and relieved. =)
I bought my pregnancy journal today, and I am about to go write in it now.
Remember, keep it on the DL. I'll be updating here as we travel down this path and as we journey to parenthood for a second time. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and pray for a full-term pregnancy!
On Wednesday, by total surprise, we found out that Kylie and Jaycee are going to be big sisters! I found out by a beta hcg test that revealed I was in fact pregnant, though I had a negative PG test the week before.
Of course, we were THRILLED about the news. Actually, I was able to come home and take two pregnancy tests to show Chris. Jaycee actually handed him a card that said on the inside "Coming to a Keith household near you, November 2011." =) He couldn't believe it.
Jaycee was thrilled beyond words. She keeps saying she's having a baby sister and she named it butterfly. We called Kylie "Peanut" before we knew she was a girl, so we didn't want to give the same name to this baby. We wanted this baby to have its own identity.
I had blood work done on Wednesday of course, and then repeat bloodwork on Friday. The big fear was that my numbers would not be doing what they were supposed to, since that happened with Kylie. However, we were happily surprised!
Wednesday: Hcg- 1861, Progesterone- 13
Friday: Hcg- 4154, Progesterone- 22
That means, everything is doing what it should be doing. We are so thrilled and relieved. =)
I bought my pregnancy journal today, and I am about to go write in it now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
