Something to look forward to...

So I guess scrapbooking has given me something to look forward to. =) I enjoy putting pages together, admiring my masterpieces, and sharing my beautiful angel in creative ways. It makes me feel close to her, and it has given me some strength I didn't quite know I had. I am so excited about this scrapbook... now if only my pocketbook could keep up with it!

I made another page last night that I am super proud of, and it will be included at the bottom of this post..

Today, I admitted something to my mom that I never thought I'd be comfortable to say or do. I admitted that by Spring Break, I think I will be able to handle boxing up Kylie's clothes, blankets, towels, and things that she never used (not the furniture or her memory items, just the clothes and baby items) and put them in the attic until we are ready for them again. I never thought that day would come! It feels a little scary, to admit something so huge, a step that I haven't been ready for. However, I haven't gotten the courage to throw away the much-too-old-to-use breastmilk in the freezer... all 30 or so containers... that is my last physical bond to Kylie. That milk was made for HER. HER. By me. I made that. That very milk that come from my body nourished her body.. okay, so not the same milk in the containers, but it all came from me. All of it. And she was nourished for several days with my milk. What a connection to have to your child... and how special it really was!

I miss my baby girl so much these days, but I find so much strength in helping and doing for other people. I am so excited about the steps we are taking this year...

I met with Ellen (my bereavement group leader) on Friday, and we are going to be doing so many things... and those things will have a post when the time is ready, but I am so excited to have her on my side to help me get my goals accomplished... goals that I have had since losing Kylie.

So... now I have something to look forward to. Chris just left on yet another structure fire call, and so the house is quiet and waiting for me to take on another page or two. I might have more pictures to post early in the morning!

15 months....

Today, it has been fifteen long, agonizing months since I said goodbye to my first-born daughter as she grew her wings. Today, it has been fifteen months since my future crumbled in front of my eyes, and a new one began to slowly form. Today, it has been fifteen months since I watched my daughter take her last breath. Today, it has been fifteen months since I held my precious girl for the first, and last, times.

My heart is heavy with grief, though I cover it much better than I used to. I sometimes lie awake at night and wonder if it will ever get any easier to breathe without her, if it will ever get any easier to put one foot in front of the other and just make it through the day. I try to imagine a day when things are easier, better, more bearable, and that day just blurs in front of me. There is no way that this can get easier... is there?

Why this fate was chosen for me, I don't know. Why my child was taken, I'll never know. Why the world seems to be so unfair, so cruel... well isn't that what our parents tried to teach us when we were younger?

Today, we made more boxes for the NICU. At the hockey game last weekend held as a benefit for the Melissa George Neonatal Fund, and it was mentioned that they were running low on memory boxes again. So today, ironically, we met to make more boxes to donate to the NICU in your sweet honor and memory. It was so much fun to work with my close friends to make boxes we felt were sweet and innocent, and boxes that we felt parents would cherish forever. I know I cherish Kylie's box.. and it always gives me a very good feeling to know that I'm doing something for others.

I also did a few pages of Kylie's scrapbook. I've never really had the patience, time, or ability to work on scrapbooking pages very creatively. I often end up frustrated, and seem to think that my pages look AWFUL (and they normally do look pretty rough). However, I am MORE than thrilled with my pages. I put three photos and her name on the cover of her scrapbook (there was a spot for them), and then I made three full pages for her. I am so, so proud of them. I have a feeling I can actually make the prettiest, sweetest scrapbook for her... and it just really gives me something to look forward to.

Jaycee has been sick for a week now. She started off Sunday sick, and then she ended up getting better, then she got sick again. We had a quick trip to Huntsville Hospital Women's and Children's Pediatric ER yesterday, and we were stunned with how efficient, kind, and fast they were. No one in the waiting room when we arrived, no wait anywhere, and we were in and out with diagnosis, prescriptions, and a smile. Absolutely amazing. Kudos to the Pediatric ER and the staff there- wonderful experience.

So, I say all this to say, things are just difficult right now, though I am trying to put my best face on and get through the day. Grin and bear it, right? I do have happy moments, but the stresses of fertility treatments, grief, work, home life... it all is getting to me desperately. I started my period yesterday, and started clomid again today.. and if I don't get pregnant this month, I can't take clomid anymore. I will have to go on to the next steps, which is a little scary... why does everyone else get their rainbow babies, or just to be pregnant and have a baby, when I have wanted nothing more than that for my entire life?????????

This is a picture of 12 boxes we made today


Kylie's Scrapbook


First page


Second page, the one I am most proud of!


Third page

March for Babies 2011 and other ramblings...

Today is January 13, 2011. 8 days ago, I started up our March for Babies team for 2011. This year, instead of being just Angel Kylie's Hope, we are Angel Kylie's Hope and Gavin's Miracle. This year, we walk for two beautiful babies: one earthly angel (Gavin) and one heavenly angel (Kylie). It is an honor to be working on this project with my best friend, who unfortunately had to walk the path of NICU and uncertainty, but it is still a special thing to be able to share with her. It gives us such an understanding of one another.

This year, we have so many fundraisers planned. We will be putting out collection bins at local businesses again, which will be great for a few hundred dollars! We also will have our Thirty-One party again. We will be adding new fundraisers: possibly a Pizza Inn night, a carnival, car washes, etc. I am really hopeful that things will work out to exceed our goal of $8,000 this year. =)

Along with another lady, I am co-head of Family teams for our city's walk, so that is a huge undertaking on its own. We are working on the Family team captain kick-off, and the Marriott will be working with us on that one. =) I am thrilled beyond words about this opportunity to reach out to family teams and to help them with their goals.

Today, 93 days left until the walk, we have 26 walkers and $580!!! I know we can pass our goal...

RTS was cancelled tonight, so I am desperate for my RTS buddies to talk to! I hate that we can't meet-- we haven't met since early December, and so much has happened since then.

Today, I did something I have been putting off for a year; I finally wrote the letter to my OB from when I was pregnant with Kylie. So many things that have gone unspoken to him came pouring out in my letter, which I feel is very mild and calm compared to how I would have written it a year ago. IT was very freeing to type the words on the screen and get those feelings out of my head and off my chest; it was something that I concentrated on so much that I did not cry or get upset. Amazingly, I made it just fine through the letter. Now, I need to print it and send it. I think it is important that I do this because I have been harboring blame and anger towards him for this entire 15 months, and it is not healthy for me to do that. It is not fair to me or to him, and if sending that letter ends up helping someone else receive better care in the future, then that is the whole point.

I am jumping back into coupons, and I am planning so much for the next few months to keep busy. It's so important to stay busy and to stay focused, and I wouldn't have my life any other way right now. Saturday, friends are coming over to work on memory boxes for the NICU, and next Saturday, I'm teaching a coupon class!

And in two days, I'll be celebrating Kylie's 15 month angelversary... it's so hard to believe that we are fastly approaching 1 1/2 years... and then before we know it, it will be 2 years since we held her for the first and last time. I'm not sure I'm ready for that...

Here is the link to our team page: http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1467769 .

And people just keep on bothering me

Why do I continue, day after day, to let people upset me, hurt my feelings, and "win" because they get to me? Why?

At this point, I have had it. I am so tired of what I hear this person say about me behind my back and how this person treats me to my face. You can't be two different people and get away with it.

Behind my back, you say I use Kylie's story and her life to get attention. You say that I talk about her too much to bring attention to myself, and that you're tired of talking about her. You say that I really don't have a place talking about babies and raising them because Kylie wasn't here to raise. You say I should be done talking about it.

However, if it gets YOU attention, you're all for saying how you know Kylie, how you have helped, what you have done, and she is just so special to you. If it gets YOU recognition, you are willing to say what it takes.

I am so sick of you using my child for your own personal gain. Do you know why I talk about Kylie? It's the same reason anyone talks about their children. She is MY child, and she was born to ME as her mother. In Heaven or on Earth, she is MY baby, and if she was here, I'd talk about her, so why should it be any different?

If you are JEALOUS of my situation, then you are a SICK SICK person and you need some serious help. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, and you will NEVER, EVER understand what I feel or what I am going through. If you can't sympathize with me or get over your jealousy, then get out of my life and LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't need you or anyone else trying to bring Kylie into drama, and I REFUSE to let her life be involved in that crap.

Letters to My Daughter

Something that I saved for a post all on its own... and something that just happened to be mentioned by a friend of mine... so I had to post today.

I will begin my book this year, a book I want to call Letters to My Daughter: A Journey of Non-Traditional Motherhood... well, I do want to call it Letters to My Daughter for sure.

Some of my story is already written. It is in the letters that I have written to Kylie over the past 15 months, letters that speak my heart and tell the story of my grief and healing. The book will consist of a series of letters that I have already written as well as letters and chapters that have yet to be written. I'm not sure how it will go, but it has been pulling on my heart for a long time to write this book and to share my story with as many people as possible. I want to share Kylie so that her life will help others. Kylie can be other people's hope and inspiration.

So, I thought I would find my first letter to my daughter and include it here, to start the new chapter of the new year, of my "new normal", and to reminisce, because where better to start than at the beginning?

This is the first letter I wrote. The following letter was written October 16, one day after Kylie's passing.

Kylie,
Mommy is so sad that I had to let you go yesterday. Words cannot express the hurt I feel and the size of the hole in my heart. Your daddy and I had so many plans for you and your future. We waited five years to find out we were having you. If you could have only seen our joy when the doctor told us we were going to be parents- I loved you even before I knew, but at that moment, you owned my heart. Each doctor's visit and each time I heard your heart beat or saw you on an ultrasound, I was overcome with joy and happiness. Your life, however short it was, taught me a love and joy I never knew was possible in any lifetime.

I want you to know that right now is very hard for me. Last night, I cried out for you, cried to have you back, begged your daddy to give you back to me. Today, tomorrow, and the days to come, I know I will again cry out for you. I'm not trying to be selfish, I just feel like my job was left unfininished, like it was so unfair for you to be taken from me and your daddy. You see, we never thought we'd be blessed with a child, more or less the vision of perfection you were. For two precious weeks, you fought with more strength than I could imagine your tiny body having. For two glorious weeks, you were here in this world and you were here for mommy and daddy.

I will always remember your tiny little face- I studied it daily. You had your daddy's cheeks and facial structure, and his lips. You had my nose and chin- and they fit perfectly with that sweet set of baby blue eyes. You were, to me, the definition of perfection. Thank you for blessing me with the miracle of your life- you were so strong for us, and I am trying so desperately to be strong for you. You beat the odds so many times- they thought I would miscarry... they thought you wouldn't make it past a few days when you arrived... they thought you wouldn't make it through Wednesday night.

I knew Wednesday night, whether I wanted to admit it or not, that you were going to be leaving me. The surgery was just too hard on you. When you lifted your eyes to me yesterday morning, I knew you were telling me that it was going to be okay, and that you were going to be okay. And most of all, when I came back to your bedside with Grammy, I knew you were telling me it was time, that you had enough, that you just couldn't do it anymore. You made our decision for us, and I thank you for making it easier. I knew it was your time, and your daddy knew, and we had to let you go. I am so thankful I held you in my arms as your tiny little heart stopped. I had to hold you before you were gone. I had to know that you felt my arms around you.

I just wanted to let you know how much I love you and will always love you. You mean more to me than anything in this world. Your daddy and I are so proud of you and the strength you showed. You taught me more in 2 weeks than I have learned in my entire life. Even in your short time, you were taking care of your mommy. Your big sister would have been so good to you; I wish you could have met her before you passed. She would have loved you from the moment she saw you.

I want you to also know that you will always be my princess and my angel, and that I will never forget you. It is so hard right now, and today at the funeral home will be hard... and your funeral will be hardest. I'm so afraid that your daddy will have to hold me back from throwing myself in with you... I just so desperately want you back in my arms. We worked hard on your beautiful bedroom... I wish you could have come home to it. We bought you all kinds of beautiful clothes and toys and things.... I'm so sorry I couldn't have done more to help you.

I love you and miss you more than words can express.

Love always,

Mommy

Another New Chapter

A new year means a new chapter. A new chapter means a new mindset. A new chapter means new feelings, emotions, and ideas.

2011 has started a new chapter in my life, though my life, since April 30, 2009, has had many chapters... This chapter is bittersweet in several ways.

The negatives of this new chapter, are obvious of course. The negatives include getting further away from Kylie's short life, from having to live this "new normal" in the first place, and from dealing with the negativity from other people in how I choose to grieve, remember my daughter, and raise awareness. Infertility still reigns, and my broken heart is still broken.

The positives include the ability to put one foot in front of the other to make it through the day in one piece. My heart is broken, but my spirit is still somewhat intact, and with my spirit, I carry Kylie's legacy.

I know I say this a lot, but one thing I have always wanted for my children is to make an impact on the world. My goal growing up was to impact as many young people as possible through the teaching profession, and I wanted my kids to have positive impacts on others... and through Kylie's short life, she has already touched more lives than I ever imagined possible. I swell with pride when I think of the fact that her name will not soon be forgotten, that her name is LITERALLY set in stone forever and ever, and that one day, people will hopefully see her picture and say "That's the little girl who lived long after her heart stopped beating. THat's the little girl that made it possible for parents to deal with their own grief. That little girl changed MY life."

Kylie changed my life in numerous ways.. so many ways that I could not list them here in the given space. She has made me a better person, and she gave me the gift of motherhood. She is so special to me, and she is so important in my life.

Just because Kylie isn't here physically doesn't mean her spirit and memory can't continue on to my other chapters, because in all actuality, there will never be another chapter in my life without her. She is a part of me, forever, and where I go, she goes. Where I am, she is. What I do, she does. Kylie is my heart, and so my heart beats for two of us.

My new chapter isn't completely defined yet. I don't really even have an outline for it, but I do know that my life is taking on some very specific paths in honor of Kylie and all other babies lost too soon. She will mold a future for other babies and parents, and I cannot wait to see what happens this year in her name, honor, and memory.

However, I have decided that some characters are no longer a significant part of my novel. These characters have chosen to be cut out of the chapters, chosen to be left out of the ultimate story. For that, I am deeply saddened, but I am not going to lose sleep over choices that others make. These people are the ones who unfairly feel that I am selfish enough to use Kylie's life for attention. These people do not belong in my story, as they encourage me to feed off the negative. Kylie only knows innocence, love, and purity, and I will not have yet another memory tainted with the negativity of others who cannot put someone before themselves.

So today, I take charge, as much as I can, of this new chapter in my life. I take charge of the paths that I will walk down, and I start mending the fences that have fallen along the way. My novel may not be the happy story that most people like to read, but my novel has depth, love, and the struggle for all things good and pure. My novel has character, class, and heart ache. My novel has truth, pain, and raw emotion. My novel is real, true, and unforgiving. My novel is life, death, and afterlife. My novel is MY story, and My story is good enough for me.

So watch out world, because I'm jumping in with both feet. If you don't like it, move over, because I'm not swerving or stopping for you to move. You can take care of yourself.

To my Kylie: this is for you. Everything I do, think, say and feel... it's for you and your sweet big sister. Everything I decide in life is with yours and Jaycee's best interest at heart. I hope you will stay close as I try to sort out which way is which in my life, and I hope that you will help me share your life and memory with others. I love you, deeply and truly, and I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine.

Well, hello, 2011...

Today is January 1, 2011 (as if you didn't already know). So much on my mind and heart right now...

Today is the one year anniversary of my due date with Kylie. In all actuality, I should be celebrating the first birthday of my first child on the first day of the new year... but, I am not. I can only look at her pictures, her empty nursery, and close my eyes and focus on the memories of a life that was all too short... and it breaks my heart in a million pieces that I am now into another year without her. 2009 seems so far away today... her two weeks on earth with me seem even further. I still remember almost everything like it was yesterday, but that doesn't help ease any pain I feel from not having her. I just miss her so badly, and I would give anything to have her with me. My new normal is NOT the normal I had planned for my life.

There are so many things that I want to happen in 2011, and so many things that NEED to happen in 2011.

First step is to create a non-profit in Kylie's honor so that parents will be provided with a vital resource when they leave the hospital with empty arms. This is my number one goal, even if it is just getting started with the Foundation first at Huntsville Hospital. This WILL happen.

Second step is to begin working closely with the Foundation on getting some features added into the hospital for a memorial place for parents to visit. Some parents do not have a grave to visit, or do not have a place that is dedicated to angel babies in general, and so I want to work on that with the hospital. The more support we get for this, the better chances of it happening. I would like to ask all of my friends to write a letter to Huntsville Hospital encouraging them to do a memorial garden for lost babies and pregnancies. If you write this, I'd like for you to send it to my home address so I can compile them. Please message me on Facebook, or email angelkyliesmommy@gmail.com for my address. I want them to know that even friends and family members need a quiet, beautiful place to go to remember and honor their angel baby. I would love to have a park bench or something special donated in Kylie's name so her life will continue to live on. I am hoping to get going with this in a few months, so please let me know if you plan to write a letter for me. =)

Third step (and these are in no particular order, just things I want to get done) is the March of Dimes and the March for Babies 2011. The walk is April 16, 2011 at Bridgestreet. Angel Kylie's Hope for Gavin's Miracle will be teaming up this year, and Jessica and I (along with our husbands) will be the co-heads of the team, as we are walking in memory of Kylie, and in honor of Gavin, who received his healing heart surgery within a few weeks of life. It is an honor to be able to be a part of this with my best friend. I hate that she had to walk down a path of uncertainty on the way, but I am so glad to have such a deeper connection with her. We both understand the NICU experience, and we both understand how many sacrifices NICU parents must make. We also understand the importance of funding for the MOD, because without donations, the life-saving surgery Gavin had would not have been possible, because research would not have been performed, and Kylie would not have even had a chance to live. So we are both eternally grateful for the MOD and what they have given us and our families. Look for more info on our website soon, and how to donate/join. Our initial goal will be $5,000 this year, and then we will try to exceed our last year's total of $8,049. I know we can do it!

Fourth is the obvious- to conceive our 2nd child to expand our family. A second child would be such a blessing to us, and would mean more than anyone could ever imagine. I cannot wait for the day that I can hold my own beautiful precious newborn against my chest and have the experience of motherhood that I have not yet have the honor to have.

Other things:
- We have a lot of work to do with our grief and our marriage. After my last blog, we had a very long 2 1/2 hour conversation late that night and I think that we listened to one another to get out what we needed to get out. I think it was a positive step in the right direction, but I am having some real issues trusting and believing. I guess when you've been promised something for so long, and it never happens, you become one of those "I'll believe it when I see it" kind of people. So much negative has happened in the past 2 years that that is what I've become regardless of what is going on in my marriage or personal life.

- I want to get things to a better point in my life, and I want to continue doing things to remember and memorialize my sweet baby girl. I want to focus on the beauty her life has brought and the huge impact she has made on others. I want to continue her legacy in beautiful ways. I will continue to donate to the NICU, and I want to learn how to sew so I can make blankets to donate to the NICU as well. The NICU is in desperate need of all supplies, because they have so many babies rotating through the doors... and it would be wonderful to keep them supplied with beautiful things to give to parents to offer a bit of comfort and hope.

- I want to focus on sweet Jaycee and give her the love, attention, and home she deserves. I want to help her grow and learn, and I want to get her enrolled in Pre-K. I want her to have wonderful experiences, and I want to provide her with more opportunities than imagineable.. I want her to have the best time of her life in 2011.

I don't really want to look at this as a list of New Year's Resolutions. I want to look at it as a list of hopes, dreams, and accomplishments. Regardless of the New Year, i want to do these things, so for now, I'll focus on these things and get as far as I can in 2011.

I miss you and love you so much, sweet baby girl. You are my whole heart.

Happy 15 month birthday today, Kylie Brielle!