Bryleigh's first hospital visit :(

Last Tuesday, Chris took Bryleigh to the doctor to be checked for this really bad cough she had. Doctor diagnosed a cold and said to get a cool mist humidifier, keep suctioning, and hydrate hydrate hydrate. She started sleeping pretty much all the time, and eating sporadically. By Friday evening, she seemed a bit better. By Saturday night, she seemed to be getting worse. At her late night feeding, Bryleigh suddenly began vomiting (projectile) her entire bottle (and more)- and she was choking and turning blue. This happened again a few seconds later. She choked again (not as severe) on her next bottle, so as soon as the doctor's office started receiving calls Sunday morning, we called. Bless her heart, she looked so sick. So, we got ready to go.

We were able to be seen at 11:30, and the doctor on call was immediately concerned with Bryleigh's cough. She had dropped 7 oz since Tuesday, as well. To be safe, because her RSV test was negative. she decided it would be best to admit her and run a pertussis test, as well as treat her for pertussis. We went straight to the hospital, and they already had a room waiting.

We got settled quickly, and they had us a chair brought in; the room was really small, but hey, we were in the hospital, and they were taking care of my sweet girl immediately. I was thrilled to know that they were trying so hard to take care of us. Bryleigh was immediately hooked to an oxygen monitor that checked oxygen and heart rate.

 

They got an xray of her chest. They took the pertussis test to send it off.

I was able to order my dinner through room service, as they offer one parent meal a day (thank goodness!). The nurse manager checked on us, and saw how cramped we were, so she had Chris go look at a room that had just been cleaned; and then she announced we were moving!

The new room had a bed, a pull out couch, and 2 chairs, as well as the crib. It is like two times the size of the one we left, so needless to say, we are very grateful! That sweet nurse manager just made our whole night (and entire stay, really)! So we settled in, and her coughing fits were just awful, but they started breathing treatments immediately. At 4 in the morning, they had to put her on oxygen, because her stats went below 90 for a length of time even after suctioning.

So, her coughing continued, and her pediatrician was the doctor on call yesterday, so she upped her breathing treatments. We also began Pedialyte for the first time.

She was still having terrible coughing fits, and those steroids in the breathing treatments really wired her! We had some awake periods yesterday that were quite interesting...

A sweet lady from the hospital brought this bouncy seat to me for Bryleigh to have a change of scenery. She also brought a handmade teddy bear, a package of links, and a book. Within a few minutes , a hospital volunteer brought by hand made pillows as well. I was so touched by their kindness!

12 hours after going on oxygen, they took Bryleigh off of the oxygen at 4 P.M. but left her oxygen monitor on and continued every 4 hour breathing treatments; she was kind of fussy and wired still, probably due to the steroids. But, she was much happier without the oxygen on. Miss Carolyn, Kylie's primary care nurse from the NICU, came down after work to meet our sweet little girl for the first time. =)



The pediatrician came in and said we'd go back to the two daily treatments and then just the others as needed, to try to prevent her from being wired. We began alternating pedialyte and formula to help with the mucus- they were suctioning her quite a bit, too. She said the big test was over night if she needed oxygen or not. So, this morning we are still oxygen free! So, I got to cuddle my baby girl without her oxygen wires ...

So this morning... NO oxygen! They took the monitor off her foot so that they can just spot check, so she is free of wires all together. She got her antibiotic again, and she got her breathing treatment. She has felt better today, despite that terrible wet cough (and the occasional hard time drinking her formula). So I finally got big huge sweet smiles!

So now, we're just waiting on the on call doctor to return. He wants to check her out, and thinks that our pediatrician should let us go home tomorrow. They want to be completely sure we have no more episodes, and that her cough is better. We will continue her antibiotic at home; not sure yet if they will do breathing treatments.

This experience has been very painless, very smooth, and very nice, if nice could be used to explain your 2 1/2 month old's first hospital stay. Everyone has been exceptionally kind and helpful, and it has been so easy to just worry about Bryleigh and her care. It has also been so humbling.. every single nurse, tech, etc. who comes in just gushes over our sweet little girl and tells me how beautiful she is, how perfect she is, how sweet she is. It has been so sweet to hear those comments; they help me feel so much better about everything going on! I am also grateful for a great pediatrician who wants to be safe.

I am thankful for those who have checked up on us, thought of us, and prayed for us and a quick recovery. I am also grateful to my sister and my mom for taking care of Jaycee for us so we know she is taken care of and happy and safe. It helps to know that she is just fine, too.

March of Dimes 2012

It is that time once again to make a plug (followed by many more over the next 3 months) for our March for Babies team. This year, I want to do things a little differently. I want you to consider the following questions and see how many of them you say YES to.

Do you have (or have you had) any of the following, have a family member who does or did, or know of someone who has:

• Asthma?
• Premature birth?
• Birth defects?
• Miscarriage?
• Infertility?
• Childhood leukemia?
• Parkinson's?
• Down's Syndrome?
• Cystic Fibrosis?
• Blood clotting disorders?
• Surgical scars?
• Muscular Dystrophy?
• Kidney diseases?
• Stroke?
• Preeclampsia?
• SIDS?
• epilepsy?
• Seizures?
• Autism?
• Dyslexia?
• Skin disorders?
• Cerebral palsy?
• Spina Bifida?
• Diabetes?
• Hearing loss?
• Childhood obesity?
• Pulmonary hypertension?
• Heart defects and conditions?
• Language development issues?
• Cancer?
• Alzheimer's?
• Lung development issues?
• Learning disabilities?
• Stillbirth?
• Heart defects?
• Paralysis?
• Wilms tumor?

This isn't even an all-inclusive list of the research that March of Dimes research grants have funded. The list goes on and on and on...

If you answered yes to one or more of the above, you have benefitted from the March of Dimes (or the people you know). Chances are, many of us have been affected by 5 or  more items on the list (or people we know). Consider that when you consider whether or not to join a team, donate, or help fundraise in some way.

We need you. Kylie needs you. Babies and people everywhere NEED your help.

Join our team. Do it for Kylie, for babies born in the future, for all people as they age. Do it for the world. Do it for yourself. Do it for humanity.

Join us this year. The link is below, and then I will help you with the rest.

Email me if you want to talk about it or if you have any questions or concerns. You can use the new email, angelkylieshope@gmail.com.

Join our team here: http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?seid=1526884

April 21, 2012. Be there. March for Babies 2012

2012: New beginnings, new outlooks, new year, old grief

So yeah, it's been since July since I posted. Life really caught up to me during the last half of Bryleigh's pregnancy, and it has been a whirlwind few months since her birth! Above is the first time I got to hold my beautiful little girl!

October 2011 was busy, because of course, it was Kylie's second birthday and angelversary. We also had the October 15 event again, which was a beautiful and huge success. We made memory boxes again for Kylie's birthday, and we ended up with over 25 boxes made! What a blessing for us to be able to take that delivery to the NICU. I'm so proud of my little angel and the good we are trying to do in her name. She is such an inspiration, and when I do these things in her honor and memory, I feel her love resounding in my heart and soul. I know if she was still with us, she would be one of the most loving children ever; she still is any way!

November 1, 2011, our rainbow baby, Bryleigh Addison Keith, graced this world with her presence. At 37 weeks 3 days, she weighed a sturdy 7 lbs. 13 oz and measured at 19 1/2 inches long. My second birth went flawlessly (in c-section), and Bryleigh was able to go straight to the well baby nursery. We did so well that I only stayed in the hospital for a little over 48 hours!!!! I had her at 8:57 A.M. on Tuesday morning, and was at home and settling before 4:00 P.M. on Thursday afternoon. Now, Bryleigh is 2 months old, and at her 8 week appointment, she was weighing 10 lbs 3 oz and 22 3/4 inches long. She is in the 80th percentile in length, and the 50th percentile in weight and head circumference. She started daycare on January 3 because I had to leave and go back to work :( (big big big crocodile tears here. From me, of course).

I do notice something though: I mean, I've seen babies in public and people ooh and ahh and such, but I don't ever see what happens to me and Chris ALL the time... (it's a good thing). We can go anywhere with Bryleigh and people stop us in restaurants, stores, anywhere... just to admire her and tell us that she is absolutely gorgeous. I'm not trying to exaggerate either; Just today at Cheddar's, I was stopped by three different couples at tables between our table and the restroom... just to tell me how beautiful my daughter was. We are truly blessed, and I am so in awe over the attention she gets in public-- I've never been stopped so much in my life!

In the past two months, God has really worked in my heart. He has been telling me all along that my life isn't over, and that Kylie's loss was not an intent to hurt me personally, but I have been too angry to listen. When Bryleigh entered this world, it was like she was the peace and voice of reason that God was telling me about. Because, I probably wouldn't have Bryleigh if Kylie had made it; we would not have tried again so soon. I am so grateful for each of my daughters and for the fact that God chose me to be their mother. I have learned that my will is not always God's will, and his will is not always my will. I prayed for him to make my daughter better; he did make her better, but his version of healing her was not the one I had chosen. I am learning to let go of my anger and to let go of my despair, but it doesn't make the pain any less, nor does it make me feel better about it. I miss Kylie every day. I love her just as much as I did the moment I found out she was growing inside my womb. I love her just like I did when she was born... and when she passed. I will always love her with every bit of me.

I say that to say that I love each of my girls (Jaycee, Kylie, and Bryleigh) differently, but I love them all equally. I mother three girls in three different ways. Though I didn't birth Jaycee, I love her as much as if I had. Though Kylie isn't here with us on earth, I love her as much as if she were. and of course, I love Bryleigh just as much as her sisters. No one child is a replacement for the other; I mean, anyone who has multiple children in a normal circumstance has the children because they want to expand their family, because they want to be parents, because they love children, etc. That is the same reason I have children. I want a family; my life's greatest dream was to become a parent. I wanted to be a mommy before I knew how someone became a mommy or daddy. I love each child individually but the same, if that makes any sense.

This year, in 2012, I hope to be able to blog more often and share my thoughts as I journey down several different paths. I am working on the mother deal the most, and making sure to juggle all three girls and give them each attention that they need and deserve. I'm working on Kylie's fund. I'm working on the March of Dimes, and I'm working on the October 15th event. I am trying to make sure Jaycee is not left out and is included in everything, along with juggling her dance classes and events. And of course, Bryleigh requires a lot of our attention right now because she's so little. We're trying to get to church and get into a routine, and trying to all-around do things to improve and have better lives.

So here's to 2012 and the changes it has brought already, and the changes it will bring in the future. And here's to 2012, another year that I will never forget my first-born's existence, and another year to do good things in her memory... and here's to 2012, the year my rainbow baby turns one, and the year my sweet big girl turns 5 and starts kindergarten... What a busy year we have ahead! And to leave you with my favorite image of her most recent photos!

Long-overdue update

It has been almost 2 months since my last post, and I really, again, have no excuse other than life has caught up with me. We'll start with Kylie, then Butterfly, then sweet Jaycee.

Kylie would be 21 months old right now... it's so hard to believe that we are so, so close to two years now...  Every day, I think of her still. I think of how beautiful she is, how sweet she is, and what she would be doing now. I try to imagine my life with her as a 21 month old, but it is so hard to do-- would she look more like me now, or still like the spitting image of her daddy? Would she be walking, talking, etc, or would her prematurity and bowel surgery prevent her from doing normal toddler things? Would we be at the doctor a lot? All of those things just consume my mind. She is a very, very loved little miracle baby, and I could not have asked God to bless me with a more perfect first-born child. She is my heart, for sure, and I miss her deeply.

Today, I am 20 weeks, 3 days pregnant with Butterfly, who decided to be stubborn last week and not reveal himself/herself to us through ultrasound. Stubborn little kid already... wonder where that comes from? (*cough* CHRIS *cough*). Hah. This pregnancy has been much, much different than Kylie's pregnancy, which in a way is a really good thing for me. It prevents me from freaking out so much from comparing, and it also puts my mind at ease some more. Everything has been nearly textbook with this pregnancy; heart rate is always in a good range (140-165), and I've been feeling movement since week 14. Even in ultrasound, this child is so, so active compared to Kylie, and the US tech told me at 12 weeks I was going to have a fun end of pregnancy cuz this kid was going to be everywhere. I'm sitting really low, and this baby is pushing down on everything, especially my bladder. We go to the specialist in Birmingham on July 20 for my big measuring ultrasound, and we should find out then if baby is a boy or girl, though we are all thinking boy at this point. My OB said if he had to guess, he'd guess boy, but if all we have is a guess, I can't be certain. Hopefully we'll know then. Also, at that appointment they measure all body parts, organs, etc, and it will be a good indication of what is going on. I'll be 22 (almost 23 weeks) by then, so I'll have some time to get the room ready if it's a boy before I go back to school. Doctor still confirmed 37 weeks is as far as we need to go, unless something is just overly good, and we can try to stretch it to 38, but he is still saying end of October, very beginning of November, which is fine with me. I just want a healthy outcome.

Jaycee is growing so fast. June 1, we celebrated her 4th birthday. It has been such a sweet blessing to watch her grow up and change from baby to preschooler... she is learning so fast, and she is so smart and quick to pick up on things. She doesn't miss a beat. She is the most loving, sweet 4 year old I know, and she is just such a blessing to us. We are thankful every day for her presence in our home and in our life. She has such good friends here, and overall, we couldn't be more thankful to have her to help us get through the days. She loves Kylie and Butterfly as her own blood sister and future brother or sister... she is going to be an amazing big sister to them! I know that I wouldn't have made it this far without her, and I can't imagine my life without her in it. Hopefully, she starts pre-k in the fall if we can get all the paperwork handled right. I really don't want her to miss out on the opportunities school has to offer her.

Nineteen months without her...

Yesterday marked nineteen long months without my beautiful first-born baby girl.

Today marks nineteen long months of heavy, numb grieving. On the fifteenth last year, I was to numb to even grieve or believe. The 16th was when it first set in. The 16th was the first day I didn't go to the NICU first thing in the morning. The 16th was the first time I didn't call the nurse to see how Kylie's night was. The 16th was the first time I didn't pump when I woke up. The 16th was the first time I woke up with an empty, hollow heart. The 16th was the first time I woke up as the parent of an angel. So many firsts...

I don't think I'll ever forget the things that happened during Kylie's too-short lifetime. I don't think I'll ever forget the days right after, leading up to her funeral... Those 2 and 1/2 weeks will be etched in my heart and burned in my mind forever. While so many people bring healthy babies home, I never took my baby anywhere. While so many people pick out carseats, clothes, and other necessities, I was picking out a casket, funeral songs, memoribilia, a cemetery plot, and a headstone. While other parents were paying for doctor's visits, formula, diapers, and wipes, I was paying for a NICU stay, funeral plots for me and Chris, and a headstone.

None of this seems fair at all, especially when you type it out, or you really think about it. NO parent should have to do this. NO parent should have to say goodbye when others get to say "hello" and only say goodbye when the parents are old in age and ready to go on to Heaven.

I said "goodbye" against my will. I was forced to end my earthly relationship with Kylie. I had no choice. She had no choice. We were told "this is it, this is how it will be," and it was. That is how it was.

Yesterday in church, Brother Randy must have been preaching directly too me. I realized when I walked in the door what the date was, and I knew that it was not going to be easy. Then, we had a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace... and I completely fell to pieces. I can NEVER hear that song without falling apart- it was one of the songs we played for sweet Kylie, because honestly, who doesn't feel compelled to play that song at a funeral? It was a beautiful version as well... but I just sobbed, while thinking of my beautiful baby with the life that was ripped away so soon...

And then, the message "Where is God?" If you read Psalms 42 and 43 (I think that was it), basically it gives a message that in times of darkness, it is natural to ask "Where are you? Where is God?" and that your spirit and faith must overcome and realize that He has not completely left you... and I felt that he was speaking to me. Brother Randy told me when Kylie died that it was okay to be mad at God... "he's God. He can handle it." Those words were my comfort, and my permission to be mad. I know it's sad to look at it that way, but I felt that I needed permission to be pissed off, and to an extent, I am still mad.

However, I do realize that Kylie's life, however short it was, was a true gift and blessing from God. God knew that I (and Chris) was needed to help other parents, and He knew that we would use Kylie's life to help others and raise awareness for infant and pregnancy loss. That is why he took her from us on October 15. I knew from that moment that it was not just a coincidence that Kylie passed on National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. There's just no way; that day was meant for me to bring Kylie's life into the limelight, to bring hope to other parents. That is why, just one year to the day after losing my baby girl, I stood in front of about 120+ people at our first annual October 15th ceremony and shared Kylie's story and her impact on my life.

God and I are still in a shaky relationship, but I am still so grateful and thankful that he chose us to be Kylie Brielle's parents. I am in awe that He gave me such a beautiful, perfect baby girl, and that he felt that we deserved an honor of parenting a true, real angel. I am appreciative of the faith that He has in me and the belief that I am strong enough to survive it.

I am thankful that He let Kylie hand-pick Butterfly for us, that he let her choose her brother or sister. I am thankful that He rocks Kylie in his arms and has her in a world of nothing but love, acceptance, and understanding.

I am still, however, in pain. I miss my daughter, and I still have the question "why?"... I still ache for her, still wish desperately that I didn't have to continue living my life without my miracle baby. I am still sad, still depressed... I miss my angel every day, and even though I may seem "okay," I still have a lot going on. I haven't seen my daughter's face in almost 19 months. I haven't held her in 19 months and one day. I haven't kissed her sweet skin or smelled her sweet baby smell... I haven't heard her cry... and I haven't been able to teach her things or watch her grow. I miss her. So. Badly.

I love my daughter more than any words or emotions could ever express. There aren't enough words in the dictionary, there aren't enough stars in the sky, and there aren't enough feelings in the world to express how deeply I love Kylie. I loved her before I knew I was pregnant, I loved her even more when I found out I was pregnant, and I loved her even more than that when she was born... and today, I love her more than I did the day before. I know my love will grow every day, as a mommy's love should, and no one can ever take that away from me.

Don't get me wrong; I love Butterfly more than words can say, as well (and Jaycee, of course- I love her more than anyone would ever know), but just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I can't miss Kylie and love her too. Kylie will always be a part of our family, and our children will always know who Kylie is and will have pictures of her. They will always know they have a big sister (or little sister in Jaycee's case) in Heaven, and that they all have  special angel with them every step of every day. I don't know about you, but if I would have known that when I was growing up, I would have felt pretty darn special...

Kylie, I love you and miss you so, so much. You are my heart, my soul, my world. Thank you for being my first-born, my miracle baby, who made me a mommy and showed me what a mother's love is about.

Just some thoughts

Today is the 19th. Today, I've had a lot on my mind. I've been thinking of my beautiful princess in Heaven a lot lately, and how much this pregnancy makes me miss her. I remember how I felt and how excited I was: I was finally going to be a mommy to a beautiful baby that is my own flesh and blood! I was finally going to have a nursery and a baby to hold... I had a future all planned out.

I find myself having a hard time planning out any kind of future for Butterfly, because I'm so afraid that future will be ripped away from me too. I am excited, don't get me wrong, but the reality of things prevents me from being overly thrilled. I want so badly for this to go right, and I know my doctors are doing everything they can, but let's face it. The doctors can't save and prevent everything. What happens if I lose this baby too? How will I survive? How will I live? What would God be trying to tell me? That I'm not a fit mother? That I don't deserve a baby on earth?

I know that it's ridiculous to think about the what if's that might not even happen, but any bit of naivity about pregnancy and giving birth has been ripped away from me. Everything that other women gush over for pregnancy--- that is not a "given" or a "promise" to me.

I love this new baby more than life itself, but I'm so scared of losing him/her. I just hate having these feelings...

Dr. Visits Galore! and ... 18 months in Heaven

So I've had THREE appointments this week! Tueday I met with Dr. Gonzalez. He put me on some additional folic acid tablets, and asked me to send him my blood sugars every week for the entire week. He also had me meet with a nutritionist (which I did Tuesday), and they have me on a gestational diabetes diet to prevent me from getting gestational diabetes wiht my PCOS and insulin resistance. He is going to do the first trimester screen on me, starting with bloodwork next Wednesday, as well as a 12 week ultrasound with Dr. G on May 10- this will measure all kinds of stuff and will tell risk factors for heart defects, down's, spinobifida, and most important, it will tell the strength of my placentaand the risks of abrupting again.


I saw Dr. Harris on Thursday, and got a second ultrasound in a week. =) Butterfly looks like a little lima bean! Dr. Harris said I'd be getting plenty of ultrasounds, and that i will go back in 4 weeks (May 12) for an appointment with Dr. H for another ultrasound and such. He said that with my classical uterine incision, the earlier the better for delivery, so no later than 37 weeks, because I am high risk for a uterine rupture the longer i go. He also prepared me for pre-term birth, and said he'd do everything in his pwoer to prevent it, but it would be a good idea to limit my activities now and slow it down some. I got my "mommy" bag- that huge bag of stuff with a ton of prental vitamin samples, and i had to go today and get all that beginning bloodwork done. Whew! A lot going on!

Today is 18 months since my little princess went to Heaven. One and a half years... one and a half years. I am so sad today, though I'm trying not to focus on the sadness due to my pregnancy- it's a guilty thing too. I feel guilty for being happy and guilty for being sad. I know there's nothing that I can do about what hashappened and what our lives are like, but I still have that empty hole in my heart that will never be filled. I miss her terribly... just wonder what life would be like with an 18 month old around...