Preparing for the MOD, and all for Kylie

The post below is from four days before our area's March for Babies to benefit the March of Dimes. On February 1, I created our family team, and we ended up with over 68 walkers, and over $8,000 total! It was an amazing feat... and this letter talks to Kylie about those things...

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

You never cease to amaze me, little angel. Never, ever. The power of your two-week life is overwhelming-the amount of people you have touched, the love and joy of life you have taught those who both knew you and never met you... today, at this very moment, I could never be more proud of you than I am at this very moment. Because of you, my daughter, YOU, we have over $7,500, which is $7,000 more than my original goal. All of this is because so many people were touched by your story, the story of your life and your death, the story of your struggle, the miracle of your life, and the story of the joy you have brought to my world.

When we as parents make plans for our children, we all know from the beginning that we want our children to be succesful in whatever it is they do. We want them to be healthy, happy, and successful. My hopes and dreams for you were no different, but I had so many more. But, you are now eternally healthy and happy in the arms of Jesus, and oh, tiny little miracle child, you are more succesful than I could ever imagine being in my lifetime. You are my inspiration, my hero. You are everything i want to be and more- no one can ever take away from you your innocence, your beauty, your strength. If you only knew how much I admire you... words cannot express how much I admire all of you and your beautiful qualities. I could not have asked to be blessed with a more perfect child.

As I write this to you, the tears have found me once again. Here lately, I felt they had left me, but now, in the success of our fundraising efforts, and thinking of why we are doing this, I feel again... I feel that desperate yearning for you to be here with me, I feel that aching heaviness in my arms, wishing for a baby to hold. I feel that rip in my heart, where it tore permanently when you left me. I think of you and how it isn't fair that this gift to the March of Dimes in your name, honor, and memory, is the only gift I can give you. I can't wrap your birthday presents for you to unwrap, and I cannot bake you a cake to eat... I can't do the things other mommies get to do with their children. I know I cannot change what has happened, but I'm sure you already know that I would if I could. However, my pain, my agony, my heartbreak... none of it compares to how proud I am that I can call you mine. I am eternally blessed with the joy of being your mother. I asked God so often, and still do, how I got so lucky to be your mommy, how I did so many things right to deserve you. Oh, baby girl, I love you more than anything, and I always will. Right now, I cannot tell you enough how much I love you, and equally, how much I miss you.

You are such a fighter, Kylie. I watched you fight the toughest battle i could ever imagine... a battle no mother wants to watch their child fight, yet you kept defying odds. I assure you, I begged God to take me instead of you, to give you a chance at a life, because you just began. I tried everything to keep you here... but I also knew when enough was enough-- you suffered and fought long enough, and the peaceful expression on your face as you were placed in my arms helped me to realize that it was okay for you to stop fighting, as painful as it was for me. I want you to know that I am SO proud of you, and I am so proud that you were so strong. I never ever fault you for anything- you are perfect.

So my sweet baby, when we walk on Saturday, we are walking for you and your strength. And when I feel like I can't go any further, I will think of you, and I will fight the urge, just like you fought for your life. When we feel weak and tired and just plain worn out, your memory will keep us going. When I want to give up, when i want to stop because it's too much, I won't, because it would be dishonoring you and your life. I am going to be strong for you, little girl. I can't promise I won't cry, as I have been most of tonight, but I can promise I will finish for YOU. I love you so, so, much, and this is all because I love you.

I think it is appropriate to share words to Jo Dee Messina's "Heaven Was Needing a Hero:"
"I came by today to see you, though I had to let you know, if I knew the last time that I held you was the last time I'd of held you, and never let go... though it's kept me awake nights wondering, i lie in the dark jsut asking why... i've always been told, you won't be called home until it's your time... i guess Heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you... brave enough to stand up for what you believe and follow it through... when i try to make it make sense in my mind, the only conclusion I come to... is Heaven was needing a hero, like you..."

"...you're such a part of who I am, now that part will just be void, no matter how much I need you now, Heaven needed you more.... cuz Heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you... brave enough to stand up for what you believe and follow it through... when i try to make it make sense in my mind, the only conclusion I come to... is Heaven was needing a hero, like you..."

Kylie you are a hero to so many people. You are my hero, for sure, but you are a hero for all the babies who will benefit from knowing your story, all the researchers who will use the money we donated to find cures for NEC and other deadly diseases.... you are a true hero, Kylie Brielle. A true hero.

God, thank you for blessing me with such an amazing child. Thank you for allowing her to touch the hearts and lives of so many people, and thank you for giving me the chance to love as a mother does. Thank you for Kylie, though her life was so, so short. Thank you for my daughter.

I love you and miss you so much... and as always my sweet miracle child, be sweet, and good night.

With forever love,

Mommy