Note for Kylie from Saturday, April 10

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

These days are still hard without you, and there is not a moment that goes by that I do not think of you, little angel. There are so many things I wish to share with you, and then i realize that I can't... not the way I want to, anyway...

1. I wanted to watch you learn to follow items with your eyes as I moved it in front of you.
2. I wanted to support your little arms as you stood for the first time.
3. I wanted to watch with delight as you spit your first bite of food out.
4. I wanted to video every second of your sweet little face, asleep and awake-- every second wouldn't even be enough to appease me.
5. I wanted to cradle you close to me and watch you sleep every day, watching you breathe softly and peacefully.
6. i wanted to rock you in your nursery, singing to you, reading to you, and talking to you.
7. I wanted to kiss your little button nose every single day for the rest of my life.
8. I wanted to watch you learn to roll over.
9. i wanted to watch you scoot and crawl, and eventually walk.
10. i wanted to hear your giggle, your coos, and your gurgles.
11. I wanted to nurse you, to bond with you.
12. I wanted to watch you grow into a tiny toddler.
13. I wanted to watch you blow out your first birthday candles, and I wanted to watch you dig in to your first birthday cake.

If I kept going with the list, we'd be here for the rest of my life... your future that I planned no longer exists, and it seems so cruel, so unfair, so miserable. How could someone rob you of your future? How could someone rob ME of my future with you? It is like the sermon by Jonathon Edwards, "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God." I feel like God is dangling me over the pit of hell, and I have no control over anything anymore... that he is punishing me for something... and if I'm being punished at all, i think the punishment is more than anyone deserves, because it sucks to feel this way.

See? You don't even know what I'm talking about--I never had the chance to read to you the best literature of the time. i never even got to read a book to you at all while you were with us. there are so many things I would do differently if I knew what would happen and I could go back...

Kylie, I want you to know how hard I tried to protect you, how hard I fought for you to have your full 9 months. I was desperate to keep you safe and sound, and I was in such misery and pain that I didn't know what else to do. i did all I could, but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty, like I could have done more... I am so, so sorry that it wasn't enough... if I had only known then what I know now... things might be different. I just don't know how I can continue going in this pain, sweet girl. Things are so different now... I look at things differently, hear them differently, treat them differently..

My life without you seems less important, less "worth" it... now don't take that the wrong way... it just seems less interesting, exciting, less happy of course...

I just miss you.

So, so much.

I love you, my tiny little miracle baby.

<3 always,

Your Mommy forever