What infant loss does to a mother...

Today started off with tears and memories, and so the whole day, those things have been at the forefront of my thoughts. And when those things are in the front of my mind instead of that whisper in the back, it affects how I think and feel about everything else. So, sometimes, I find  myself wondering if I'll ever be the same person I was before... if my grieving heart makes me harder to love, harder to befriend, harder to like. Like maybe being a bereaved mother makes me some kind of weird contagion, or some kind of walking plague. I often feel that way- and it's because I refuse to NOT talk about Kylie. I refuse to let people think I only have Jaycee and Bryleigh as my children. I refuse to keep her tucked away and out of conversations and situations.

Baby loss is a taboo subject. It really is. People do not want to think that baby loss really happens. If you hear about it, then you have to accept it, right? Well, no matter what you want to think, believe, or feel, every single day, a mother says goodbye to her baby. Every single day, a father comforts his wife as she kisses her baby for the last time. Every single day, a brother or a sister has to let go of their dreams of what it will be like to have another baby in the house. Every single day, grandparents lose a grandchild. Every single day, a baby in the world takes his or her last breath.

This is reality. Just concerning NEC, the condition that Kylie had, over 10,000 babies die per year because of it. 10,000 babies. That averages to just over 27 deaths PER DAY. That is so heartbreaking, because so many babies die every day from OTHER causes, so you can only imagine where the number can go.

So many people think that what they say is helpful or heartfelt or sincere, and it may very well be said with the most innocent and sweetest of intentions, but that doesn't mean it is the RIGHT thing to say (or do). Here is a list of things NOT to say to a bereaved mother, no matter HOW many years it has been:

1.) You are young, and can have more children...
2.) Don't you think it's time to move on?
3.) She/he wouldn't want you to dwell on it your entire life. Your child would want you to be happy...
4.) Well, at least you know you can have kids...
5.) Are you STILL crying over it?
6.) You need to control your emotions.
7.) God doesn't make mistakes.
8.) There's a reason for everything.
9.) You wouldn't want her to suffer in life anyway...
10.) Aren't you glad you don't have to deal with this when she was older?
11.) I don't understand why you're still so upset.
12.) I'm sorry. I know how you feel. I lost my: pet/uncle/grandma/dad/brother/neighbor/etc...
13.) "It" isn't suffering anymore (resorting to "it" instead of her/him, etc)

I could go on and on. And yes, I've heard many of those things. But let me tell you... just as you never forget your loved ones who have passed on before you, such as a grandparent, a parent, a friend, an uncle, an aunt,  a sibling... we never forget our babies. The loss is with us for eternity. The loss goes with us wherever and whenever we do anything. The loss is there and an empty space is always in our heart... every family gathering. Every family photo. Every birthday, every angelversary. Every holiday. Every dinner. It's always there.

The loss changes and alters who you are, because you cannot ever be the same as you were. Grieving changes you, but specifically, losing a child takes something out of you that you didn't ever expect to let go of. It takes a piece of your heart and soul... and that piece will never be replaced, healed, repaired, or mended. It will be gone forever, just as the life that you created will be. Reality is so difficult sometimes, because it is more painful than pretending that things will be okay one day...

Be kind to the grieving mother. Be there for her, but don't force her to move on. Be a shoulder to lean on, pat her back, and offer support, but don't make her feel she is wrong for how she feels, acts, or responds. A grieving mother has a lot to go through already, and really can't be made to feel "guilty" and "bad" for missing her child.