Why do I do this to myself?

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I have always been one to expect a lot out of people that I love (not that it's fair, but I do) because I give a lot to them, I guess. I've been used as a door mat time and time again, and I've been treated like crap, only for me to get up and stand in line to be knocked around some more. My heart is always in the right place, but I've had to learn the hard way that just because I will do something or act a certain way or be there for a person doesn't mean they will feel the same obligation to be there for me or perform some kindness in return.

I can't stand users. You know, people who will be nice to you and hang around you or do things with you/for you just so they can use you. And boy, I have had people do this to me all through my life, mostly for them to have some "great" personal gain at my loss and expense. And I am guilty for letting this happen, because I have let the same people do this to me over and over again.

I have always had a hard time standing up for myself and telling people how I really feel when it comes to telling them they have upset me, hurt my feelings, or disappointed me, etc. I will tell people happy stuff all day long, and I'll write/talk in general about things that hurt me.

I feel so lonely these days. I feel like I don't belong at work, like I don't fit in in any place in particular. It's like everyone has their group, and I feel like I'm a bystander watching all these great things happen around me. I know it's petty and stupid, but it is so hard to go to work sometimes and be excited because I don't feel like I fit in or that people view me as part of "their" crowd. Nothing against them, its just that I guess I don't mesh. I have always been the person to be the social butterfly and talk to everyone in all, and I guess I'm a weird person with a weird personality or something... but I just want to fit in. I just want to feel included, like I belong. It feels like I'm a middle schooler all over again; the weird, awkward, nerdy kid that stands around pretending to be part of the good conversation, but knowing that no one there is really letting you participate. I just feel like a loser sometimes, and I feel it has affected my ability and my will to be a strong, good teacher. Every person that I became really good friends with at work have left, and maybe a part of me is afraid to become really good friends with someone again because I don't want to be left again. Maybe it's just me... but I've been struggling with these feelings for a long time. It is an awful feeling to feel like you don't fit in or belong. No one has been rude or ugly to me... I just don't feel like I fit.

I have some amazing family and friends, so I'm not saying that I have no one- because I do have amazing people in my life. I just remember various times in my life where I was told that people weren't really my friends, they were just using me because they liked the parties that I had, or they wanted my help getting a good grade, or they wanted a ride in my car. I have had so many people use me for things that I sometimes get that paranoid feeling that people are using me for things, including my child. There are people in my life who won't support the things I do in Kylie's memory, but they are all about "I love you and miss you, Kylie!" when her birthday or other special events roll around. How dare someone use my child that way! You can't just plaster on your facebook wall that you miss and/or love my child just so you can get some attention or be associated with her. If you truly loved Kylie and missed her, you would support her and me in the things we are doing in her memory. I'm not saying you have to give a bunch of money; spreading the word, joining the team, volunteering, or doing something nice for someone in her honor.

And for the final note, I am so sick of being told by people that I say things or do things on facebook just to get attention. I could care less who sees or hears what I have to say. Facebook, blogging, and all other aspects of social media are here for that purpose! To release your feelings and emotions, to let it all out, to express yourself. I don't do anything for attention, and I don't demand attention on myself. It's your jealousy and unhappiness that causes you to think that, and I'm sorry if you are jealous. I don't know why anyone would be jealous of me or of anyone else. We choose our own paths by the choices we make. God guides us, but we make the ultimate choice. And I choose to express myself and my feelings so that I don't keep it bottled up and explode. If you don't like it, don't read my posts.

I'm done being a door mat, but I am also not done having my feelings hurt (that doesn't change over night). I still have a lot to learn, and I still have a lot to remember: Don't focus on the things you can't change. I guess it's hard not having control over everything. I will sort through all the feelings, and we'll get it all worked out.

I didn't post this to make anyone feel bad for me; I'm just working through my feelings. Writing them down seems to always make you feel better, and it seems to always help sort out confusing or conflicting emotions...

What I've Learned

It has taken me a long time to let go of a lot of feelings and to really search my soul for some things. Since losing Kylie, I've held on to a lot of anger; anger at God, anger at my doctor, anger at a nurse at the hospital, anger at myself, even anger with friends and family members.

Today, I let it go. Today, I let God take it and do what He wishes with it, because today, I am officially free from my anger.

It has taken me a long time to realize that God didn't leave me, and he didn't ignore my prayers when Kylie was so sick. I prayed: "God, please heal my child. Please make her better." And He DID. He healed her. He made her better. She no longer felt pain, suffering, or hurt. He restored her body to the most perfect health.

Until recently, I never realized that. God did answer my prayers; He just didn't answer them the way I wished for them to be answered. No one ever said God would do exactly what you asked, but in my grief and hurt, it took me a while to realize that.

I miss my little girl so much, but look at all of the beautiful things that she has brought upon us. She has led us to guide and counsel other families who have gone through similar losses. She has led us to some amazing wonderful people that we otherwise would never have met. She has instilled in us a spirit of giving and helping others that we didn't have before. She has shown us how to help raise awareness for prematurity, NEC, and pregnancy complications. She has impacted so many people with her strong will and her pure heart. She has given us her baby sister, Bryleigh. She gave me my first pregnancy, and my first born. She gave me the gift of her life. She gave me love.

One of the sweetest moments of my life was the moment I saw Kylie open her gorgeous blue eyes and search for me when I spoke to her. Never in a million years did I realize just how much that moment would mean to me; she knew who I was, even though she was no longer in my womb. She knew my voice, and she loved me. Purely, sweetly, honestly. That moment will be forever embedded in my heart and mind. That moment taught me that the bond of a mother and a child can and will never be broken. No matter what, I gave birth to her, and she will always be my child. Through Heaven or Earth, she is mine.

God is good, all the time. He loved me even when I was angry. He was patient with me, and He waited for me to work through my grief. He didn't judge me, nor did He leave me. I still miss my daughter, and would give anything to have her back, but God doesn't make mistakes. I am honored that he chose me to be the mommy to these three beautiful girls in three completely different ways. I'm honored that He has given us the March of Dimes platform to reach out to others and to help others in Kylie's sweet name. I am humbled by the love that God has always had for me. I am human, and I am not perfect, but He loves me just the same.

Dear Heavenly Father, I want to thank you for the many blessings you have bestowed upon me and my family. I thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to mother three beautiful girls and for the love you have shown for me and my family. Thank you for caring for my sweet Kylie, Lord, and thank you for Bryleigh's safe arrival. I pray that you will guide me and lead me as you see fit, for you know my heart and the path my life will take. I trust in you and thank you for your mercy. Please watch over my family as we continue to learn and grow through your love. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.